Chapter 8 – Saying Sorry
Bella stared up at the large full moon from the sanctuary that was her room. She sighed for about the millionth time that night and rose leaned her head against the cool glass of the window. Life could take so damn long when it wanted to. She hated night more than anything right now. No, that's not true; she hated a lot of things at the moment.
She heard a small rap on her door and she sighed. "Come in," she said, no louder than a whisper.
The door slipped open and Tyko gracefully pushed her way through it. She made her way over to her sister and sat down beside her on the window ledge. "Bella, you know how much you hurt Edward tonight."
"Yes. I know," Bella whispered, not looking away from the beautiful, luminous moon. "I had to, Tyko. I didn't want to hurt him again."
"You kinda sorta already did," Tyko told her sister, matter-of-factly. "I swear if he could cry, he would've been down on his knees sobbing his heart out and begging for you to take him back. I've never seen anybody so desperate."
Bella whipped her head to face Tyko. "How dare you say that."
"I'm only telling you the truth, Bella. You know that it's true as well as I do."
"That's enough, Tyko," Alyson hissed from the doorway. "Leave the poor girl alone, she's been through enough."
"Thank you, Alyson," Bella glanced immediately in her sister's direction. "See Tyko? She understands. Why don't you?"
Tyko snarled at Alyson before standing up and vanishing from the room. Bella rolled her eyes and gently patted the now empty sill beside her, "Come sit." Alyson slowly walked the length of the room and sat down beside Bella.
"You know she means well," Alyson whispered, turning her head so that she too could stare up at the moon. Bella followed her sister's gaze back up to the large orb that filled her with such comfort. "And she was correct about Edward. He was rather upset this evening."
She sighed, "Do you think that I should talk to him?"
"I think that you should explain what happened all those years ago. I think that you should see what he thinks," Alyson watched her sister contemplate those words. "Bella, you love him still. Everybody can see that! You've never hidden it."
"I know that!" Bella exclaimed, standing up in an instant. "Of course I know that! Do you have any idea how many times I've wished that things could've happened differently!? How many times I've wished they could just forget all about me and continue on as if I had never entered their lives?!"
Alyson paused and then a coy smile reached her lips. "Bella..." she whispered. "They could."
XXX
Bella paused. She did not want to knock on this door, and apparently, she didn't have it. It flew open in front of her and Alice stood there looking shell-shocked. "Um, hello Alice," Bella began nervously. Instantaneously, Alice's arms were around Bella hugging her close.
"I've missed you so much," she whispered, tearless sobs escaping her lips. Bella carefully wrapped her own arms around her old friend and used gentle words to console her. Alice finally stepped back and smiled. "I told you we didn't want to see Edward acting all depressed for the next hundred years, Bella!"
"How bad was it?" Bella whispered dismally.
Alice flinched. "I don't really want to tell you that, I'm sorry."
"That bad?"
"Yes."
Bella sighed. "Then I have a lot of work to do. I'd like to speak to your entire family please."
"They can hear us," Alice smiled.
"I know," she managed to get a small smile up onto her lips. "Come on," she took Alice's hand and pulled her into the living room. The family did already know and they were waiting there for her – all but one. "Where is he?"
"He's in his room," Rosalie rolled her eyes. "He says he refuses to come downstairs."
Bella chewed her lip. "Would you excuse me a moment? I think that I need to tell him this personally first."
"Of course, dear," Esme whispered, hugging Bella swiftly. Bella gave a quick, uneasy smile and walked up the stairs slowly, trying to figure out what she would say. She finally found herself on the third floor and she wandered across the hallway and knocked gently on the door, even though she knew he already could tell that she was there.
"Come in," his velvet voice came from the other side of the door. She slid the door open and stepped inside, making no noise.
"Edward," she spoke his name hardly above a whisper and she felt herself beginning to choke on the load of word vomit that was about to spill out. She felt her eyes drifting around the room until they found something that she didn't expect. She was beside it in a moment and she curled her fingers around one of the iron roses. "Edward, you kept it?"
"Yes," he sounded as if he regretted it.
"Why?"
"I couldn't bear to throw it away, Bella. It was a part of you," he finally turned his eyes to face her. She felt the great, amber orbs sinking deep into her heart and melting the frozen organ. She felt as though somebody had set her on fire and she was becoming human again, only that wasn't possible. She would never be human, and she would never die. Bella wanted to step forward and throw her arms around him, she wanted to apologize for everything she had done, everything she had said; instead she sat down on the bed and waited for the words to flow. They didn't.
Alternatively, they stayed silent and stared at each other, their eyes drinking in the sight of the other as if they would never see each other again. Edward suddenly rose from the black leather couch and slowly walked across the room so he was standing only a foot from her. He reached his hand out and touched her frozen cheek. "I am so sorry," he whispered.
"You are?" Bella felt her jaw drop. "Why are you sorry?"
"I made a mistake, Bella."
"In turning me? No, Edward, no you didn't. It was my decision, my life and I chose to give it up, not you."
"I am not sorry about turning you, Bella," Edward shook his head. "I realized once you left that I was not sorry about that. I don't think that I would care even if you turned into a mangy mongrel. I love you so desperately that I feel as though I've lost half of me. My family certainly realized that," he chuckled darkly. It wasn't the laugh Bella wanted to hear, though. It was a much sadder version.
"Edward, no I left, you did nothing..."
"That's not true, my Bella. I did plenty of things that I wish I could take back. For example, making you think that I regretted turning you. I should've explained what I felt so guilt ridden about the moment you began to think it, but I couldn't think how," he kept his hand on her cheek and she felt her words beginning to come higher to the tip of her tongue, but she held them back. "I felt so horribly about not telling you that seeing you in that pain, and knowing that it was my fault made me feel so guilty," there was more, but he wasn't telling.
"No! No Edward, I'm sorry!" Bella gasped. "I'm so terribly sorry! If I knew that... Oh I'm so selfish!"
"No, my love, you are not," he sat down beside her and pulled her over onto his lap so that she was facing him. "I love you with my entire being, and if I had a soul, it would be with that."
"But you do have a soul," Bella whispered. She hated that he felt guilty for such a stupid thing as this. "If you didn't, you wouldn't care that you hurt me. You wouldn't care that I had been in pain, or that you had done something so awful. You would've simply... ignored it."
He contemplated that for a moment. "I suppose you are right, in a way," he whispered, pulling her to him so that he was hugging her. "I can't imagine life without you again. Please, Bella. I want – no I need you."
Bella pulled back from their embrace for a moment. "Edward, I need you to listen to my apology now. But it's not just for you it's for your entire family. Come downstairs and let me apologize, please?"
He released her and she stood up, holding out her hand for him to take. He took it gently and together they walked down the stairs. Bella released him as they neared the dining room table and he walked over to a chair on her immediate right. To her immediate left, Emmett sat with Rosalie beside him, then Esme, Carlisle took the far end of the table. On the right, Edward sat closest, his hand only inches away from hers, then Alice and Jasper.
Bella took a deep breath as she took her seat at the head of the table. "I know that I really have no right to be here, but I feel that I should make an apology and a proposal – which Alice appears to already know about." The entire table turned their heads to see Alice who sitting rather dismally. Edward blinked as he read her thoughts, but he appeared not to find out. She must've been thinking about something else – and with good reason. Maybe she hoped Bella would not go through with this.
"I would like to apologize for my behavior all those years ago. I was irrational and should've have acted the way I did. I do not hate any of you and not a day goes by where I do not regret those words. If there is anything on this earth that I hate, it is myself. I cannot stand for any of you to think that I hate you and while I know that these are mere words, I hope that you'll accept them and believe my sincerity," she glanced at each of the Cullens in turn, terrified to hold any of their gaze for too long.
"Of course we forgive you," Esme was the first to speak and Bella's eyes immediately shifted to her. "How can we not? We all understand how irrational newborns are," she chuckled.
"Thank you," Bella took a breath of relief.
"You said you had a proposal for us?" Carlisle asked, the curiosity burning behind his calm words.
"Yes, mostly it's for Edward, but I think that it would be an extraordinary help," she took another deep breath. "Okay, as you all know I can manipulate minds, erase thoughts, etcetera. I was thinking that I could, with his permission of course, erase the most painful memory, anything pertaining to me from the last one hundred years so that when I leave with my family he will have no memory of me being here."
"Absolutely not," Edward snapped. "There is no way you are erasing my memories of you."
"Edward, it's for the best..."
"No," Edward snapped, standing up and grabbing Bella roughly by the shoulders. "You are not going to do this. I will not let you."
"Please Edward you have to understand that we are going to be separated again, and you have to understand that –"
"No, we aren't going to be separated," he said. "Bella, please do not do this. Do not make me live without you," he pressed his lips to hers and Bella felt her demeanor breaking down.
She pulled back, "Edward, stop it. I have a new family now and I needed to apologize to be able to keep going, and you need to forget about me to keep living. I don't want you to go provoke Volturi and I don't want you depressed your entire life. One day, you'll find somebody else, somebody better for you than I ever could be. Somebody who will deserve and love you for all eternity and never do what I did," she felt her heart shattering with every dreary word. Her life lost all meaning as she said these things.
"Bella would you stop that! I don't want anybody else!" he shook her by shoulders roughly. "Stop thinking like that! I don't want anybody else and I don't want to forget about you!"
Bella pulled herself away from Edward and ran. She ran as fast as she could to the one place in Forks that she felt secure. She ran to their meadow.
A/N hmmm I still have time to change it! I need reviews or else I will!!