Before I know it, it's the next morning, and I would be sure that last night was all a wonderful and unattainable dream if I didn't hear and feel Catherine's soft breath near my ear. She's laying on her side with an arm thrown lazily across my stomach, and there are no words to describe how ecstatic I am to be this close to her. I smile as I watch her sleep, knowing that this is one of the only times she can be completely at peace and without a care in the world - too bad it has to be when she's unconscious. For a moment, her brow furrows and she exhales just slightly, and I instinctively lean in to kiss her forehead, but then I stop. I've been in too many situations in the past where I've felt something, thought I had a connection with someone, and then the next morning they suddenly want nothing to do with me. Just a good time. Just a thoughtless moment. I know that if Catherine responds negatively, it will absolutely crush me. No doubt in my mind. Even though we didn't do anything more than kiss and cuddle, it still means more to me than any other 'relationship' I had.
And now I feel sick as I anxiously wait for her to wake up, fighting urges to leave unnoticed. Maybe if I leave a note saying there was an emergency, or just that I'll see her next shift, but I can't do that. I have to deal with whatever her reaction is, and moreover, I like the feeling of her hand on my stomach, and I'm not ready to lose that feeling.
I feel like I've been staring at the ceiling for about 10 minutes evaluating the outcomes when goose bumps cover my body once Catherine begins placing the most delicate of kisses on my neck. My whole body reels from feelings of relief and happiness all at once and I turn on my side to face her, smiling, now feeling free to run my fingers through her wavy hair.
"Hey, you," she says no louder than a whisper. "You looked a little troubled, are you okay?"
Before I concretely decide my emotions, I stare intently into her eyes, letting her know that I'm not taking this situation lightly. "Can I kiss you?" my voice barely asks.
Catherine laughs, then looks a bit confused when she sees that I'm honestly waiting for her permission. I think for this reason alone, she strokes my cheek with her hand before capturing my lips with her own and deepening it herself by the second until my body relaxes into hers. I sigh into her mouth when her tongue slides into mine and my headache finally starts to decrease until she breaks the kiss, pulling back to look at me with a serious and intense expression on her face. She takes one of my hands and wraps her fingers around mine. It is only then that I realize that my hands were shaking as I was touching her.
"Sara, you're trembling. And you're asking if you can kiss me after I made it clear last night that you're more than welcome to kiss me." I try my hardest not to smile too wide at her comment since she is trying to have such a serious moment and all, but inside, I'm beaming. But once I begin to answer the question, I remember how terrified I was just minutes ago, and the smile from both inside and outside fades.
"I was afraid that once you woke up you were going to regret last night," I said, my voice more feeble than before.
Catherine's face was puzzled and border lining frantic. "Why would you ever think that?" she asked. "Is that how you feel?"
I can feel my body temperature begin to rise. "No! Catherine, honestly, last night was the best night of my life."
"As it was one of the best of mine - up there with my wedding and the birth of my daughter. And I'm just supposed to not care the next morning?"
"It's not like that was what I was hoping to happen or even expecting to happen, it was just what I was afraid would happen," I said, trying to defend my thoughts of Catherine.
"But why? Why would you be afraid that would happen if you trusted me?" Catherine asked, her eyes wild and searching mine for an answer, almost as if she were afraid to lose me.
"Because every time I can remember, no matter how much someone appears to care about you, somehow that can all change overnight - literally. And since I've had a hard enough time getting you to say hello and good bye to me, I'm still not sure why you're wanting to kiss me and wanting to stay with me the next morning," I say, trying to explain honestly rather than sound accusatory.
"Sara, that is your problem right there. You need to start realizing when why matters and when it doesn't. Now, at the end of the day, does why I want to kiss you really matter, or is it the fact that I want to kiss you at all?"
I swallow hard. "More importantly, the latter, without question. But I guess they're both important to me," I say, looking away to try to hide the flash of hurt in my eyes. But she catches it.
My heart speeds up once again when she places her hand on mine and caresses it with her thumb. "Look, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be brash. I just want you to trust me."
I squeeze her hand back to let her know I mean this. "I do trust you. I'm not sure why, but I guess why doesn't matter, huh?"
She softly smiles and continues to hold my hand. "Well, while we're on the subject of why - in case you're curious - I knew there was something different about you from day one. You weren't scared by my bitchiness, and yet you dealt with it all at once. You just accepted it as a part of who I am, and not many people do that. Then it was the little things: your jokes, your smile, the look you get in your eyes when you know you're onto something. But do you know what the clincher was?"
"What?" I ask, not being able to fight my smile.
"Warrick and Nick were in the break room cracking jokes about how you called Hank 'baby' at a crime scene. I got pissed off and stormed out. That's when I realized that I wanted you to be calling me 'baby', not Hank," she says, giving me the first indication that she wants to have more than just a physical relationship with me.
I snuggle in closer to her than I already am and smile. "First of all, you're not a bitch. Sure, you can be a little moody sometimes, but who can't? Second of all, I'm completely flattered and touched. And third of all, do you want me to start on your list now?"
Catherine unexpectedly leans in to kiss me once more, letting me get a bit carried away as I run my tongue over her lips before sliding into her mouth and wrapping my arms around her shoulders. "I don't need to," she begins. "You're the most expressive kisser I've met. Your kiss tells me everything I need to know," she says with a devilish little smile as if she has me all figured out.
I can't fight the urge to slightly tickle her side, pleasantly surprised when she laughs. "Oh, really?" I ask, kissing her as deeply as possible. "And what's my kiss telling you now?"
She takes a deep breath, and we're laying so close that I feel her chest rise and fall against mine. "That you love me."
My eyes widen, wondering exactly how expressive of a kisser I can possibly be. But either way she's right, and now the question is whether or not I should tell her.
"Don't you?" she asks, letting me know that she wants my answer to be yes.
"Yes," I speak softly, "I do love you. I love the Catherine Willows that I see every day at work. You're a strong, tough, independent woman who commands the respect of everyone in the unit through earning your keep. You don't look at our job like a job, you look at it as an opportunity and a way of life. You have a roughness to you, but also unbelievable passion for the things and people you love. I've tuned into your passion since the moment we met, just understanding you completely. And now I realize outside of work that there's a whole different side of you that I haven't gotten to see. It's the part that I've always wanted to see, and still want to see. I want to get to know you, Catherine, very much. And I hope that in time, I can get a chance to love the rest of you, too."
She rests her head on my shoulder, breathing onto my skin and exhaling a sigh of relief and happiness. "I couldn't have said it better myself," she says, and even though I can't see her face, I can tell she's smiling. "So, starting a relationship sounds like something you want to do?"
I tilt her chin so that she is facing me and kiss her quickly, yet avidly. "Survey says…?"
Before she can answer, there's a knock on her door and Lindsey enters, giving us enough time to pull away from one another, but not to get out of bed.
"Mom, I have to go to dress rehearsal for my recital soon," she says, already dressed in her ballet outfit.
Catherine stands from the bed and walks towards Lindsey. "Well, good morning to you, too, Missy," she says playfully tugging on one of Lindsey's pigtail braids.
Lindsey giggles. "Good morning, Mom." She looks over to me on the bed. "Morning, Sara," she says, not seeming to find anything too peculiar in the fact that I'm laying in her mother's bed in the clothes I wore the previous night.
"Good morning, Lindsey. How'd you sleep last night?" I ask, referring to the one moment of connection I had with her.
"Good," she smiles, which makes me smile in turn.
Catherine smiles at us as well, and I can tell that she adores the way I'm already bonding with her little girl. "Lindsey, Sweetie, why don't you go get your coat on and we'll leave in a few minutes so we can have time to grab some breakfast on the way, okay?"
Lindsey happily agrees and leaves the bedroom. Catherine takes a moment to quickly brush through her hair and apply perfume, staying in the clothes she slept in. "We're going to grab some breakfast and then I'll run her to ballet, but I should only be gone about a half hour, 45 minutes tops. But, if you want to stick around, you can take a shower, help yourself to some coffee, and then when I get back we can talk some more. Sound good?"
"Definitely," I say, still laying in her bed and soaking up her scent from the sheets. "Don't have too much fun without me."
She walks towards me we with a coy smile and kisses me good bye, walking away quickly as to not get us carried away. "I won't. I'll see you soon," she says, walking away.
"Okay, Baby," I speak softly, causing her to turn around and face me, smiling widely because she knows that I threw that one in just for her.