AN: Sorry for the late update. I was unable to upload yesterday, and I was busy watching A Few Good Men.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer."
- Rainer Maria Rilke
Chapter 8 – Discoveries
Raven sat in a meditative position, legs crossed with her hands clasping her knees. She still couldn't focus and clear her mind to meditate. Too many thoughts were assaulting her head. Beast Boy really did want to help. She could sense it in his voice. Yet she would always push him away. And with good reason, she couldn't open up to anyone. There something's that weren't meant to be revealed about herself. She envisioned the way Beast Boy had looked at her, his eyes gazing with incredible strength. She didn't understand why Beast Boy wanted to help her. He had never persisted on her opening up before. Raven felt a chill run down her back. She felt a bit guilty for constantly staving him off. Twice she had shattered the conversation with her insistent refusals. Raven sighed, standing up. She felt obliged to explain why she wouldn't open up; at least then Beast Boy wouldn't feel so lost.
Beast Boy was sitting glumly on the common room couch. He was still thinking about the conversation he and Raven had had. She had said they were friends, but even still she wouldn't open up to him. Intruding thoughts entered his mind. Beast Boy refused to believe that he could have feelings for Raven, but yet the thought kept returning after every time he attempted to push it away. He heard the common room doors open. He turned around and saw Raven. He felt a swooping sensation waft through his mid-riff as the soul object of his thoughts entered the room. He stood frozen, unsure of what to do. Maybe she just wanted some more tea…
Raven looked over at Beast Boy. She was slightly surprised that he hadn't returned to his game, after she had left. She guessed that he was probably thinking about their conversation. She took a breath, readying herself for the task ahead.
"Beast Boy, we need to talk" murmured Raven softly.
"Yeah!?" said Beast Boy, a little too happily. He enjoyed talking to Raven; it was like dipping your head into water. Uncomfortable yet thoroughly refreshing.
"Lately I've been… brushing you off and…" muttered Raven.
"Don't apologise. I know how hard it is for you to open up" interjected Beast Boy.
"It's not just that, it's… I just can't open up. Not for anybody" said Raven quietly.
"Why? It's hard, but…" whispered Beast Boy, hoping that he could obtain more pieces to solve the puzzle.
"There are things about me. Things inside of me that are not meant to be revealed" murmured Raven.
"And why shouldn't they be? We don't care about your darkness or whatever. We'll always be your friends" muttered Beast Boy.
"You don't understand. If I open up, I have to unveil all of myself. Even you wouldn't do that" said Raven faintly.
"No, you don't have to show everything about yourself. Just answer the questions that we ask without feeling as if you were betraying yourself" replied Beast Boy.
There was silence between the two. Raven wasn't sure what exactly to do. The conversation hadn't gone quite as she had planned. She had hoped that she would explain why she couldn't open up, and Beast Boy would just accept it and submit. What a fool she was, she knew about Beast Boy's persistence more than anyone else.
"Tell me Raven. Why did you lose control against the Telepath?" asked Beast Boy.
She couldn't answer it. How weak she would appear to be if she told the truth.
"No, I can't Beast Boy. I told you I can't" replied Raven.
"It's just one question! Raven, you can't fight all your problems alone" said Beast Boy, beckoning her to let him help her.
"I can fight all my problems alone. And I will. I don't want to tell you why I lost control, why can't you just accept that?" cried Raven vehemently.
"Not everyone can get what they want Raven" replied Beast Boy
"Just leave me alone. I'm not going to answer that question, not to anyone and especially not to you" yelled Raven fiercely.
"So you're going to carry on with your life as usual, as if nothing had happened and then keep everything to yourself as usual. What happens when it becomes too much for one person to handle? Won't you just go and lose control again?" cried Beast Boy
"It won't get too much; I can look after myself without you pestering me" growled Raven.
"I know you want someone to help. Don't try to hide it. Just let me help you!" yelled Beast Boy, desperately.
"Why do you want to help me? Why!?" shouted Raven hopelessly.
"Because I care about you. We all do! Why do you always deny it?" said Beast Boy, his volume descending.
Raven was in shock. Beast Boy had said that he cared for her. She couldn't even remember the last time anybody had said that they cared for her. She had always thought the Beast Boy had harboured a dislike for her, but he had proven her wrong. Someone cares about me, she thought to herself. The very concept seemed insane in her head, but Beast Boy had meant it. She looked into Beast Boy's eyes, seeing the same blazing look that he had given her before. She didn't know what to say. She and Beast Boy had never really been friends, but now suddenly, she felt as if they truly were friends.
Beast Boy was breathing heavily. He really didn't understand how she couldn't know that he was concerned for her. Just another reminder of her perplexing nature. Beast Boy hoped she knew that he meant what he had said. He had no doubt that what he had said was truth; of course he and the other Titans cared for her. They were like family. He looked at her face. There was confusion and sorrow etched into her features. This was how he liked her best, without her dead-pan face. When she wasn't hiding behind an impenetrable façade, when she was Raven. Her eyes were glowing violet, as if processing information and her hair flowed down the sides of her face.
"Did you mean that?" asked Raven quietly, trying to confirm her thoughts.
"Yes. Raven, you said that I was your friend. And I always will be. Friends are meant to care about each other, and what sort of friend would I be if I didn't? murmured Beast Boy.
"Beast Boy, I…" started Raven.
The sound of voices came from outside the Tower. Robin and Starfire and come back from the mall. Raven stopped her speech, looking away from Beast Boy, and facing the door of Titan's Tower. Beast Boy was disappointed, he had hoped to have spoken to Raven some more. Robin and Starfire entered the Tower where their conversation stopped.
"Hey Beast Boy and Raven" muttered Robin suspiciously. The pair together never made a good combination.
"Hey Robin" muttered the two simultaneously.
"Where's Cyborg?" asked Robin, looking around.
"He had to go out and fix Titan East's tower" answered Beast Boy.
"And he left you two alone together? I'm surprised the Tower's still in one piece" murmured Robin.
Beast Boy's eyes flashed. He felt like hitting Robin. He and Raven didn't fight all the time! Robin was just acting like a dick, he thought to himself irritatedly. But he held his tongue; knowing retorting would do him no favours. He glanced at Raven, hoping to catch her eye. Robin noticed the gesture, but said nothing. Without so much as a word, Raven levitated out of the common room, presumably heading towards her room.
"Beast Boy, we need to talk" said Robin sternly.
"Wha..?" replied Beast Boy, his mind clearly somewhere else.
"Are you okay?" asked Robin
"Dude, I'm fine" answered Beast Boy.
"You've been really weird lately. First you defend Raven. Then you can't stop staring at her during breakfast. Then you two manage not to blow up the Tower. And you couldn't stop staring at her just then" said Robin, his eyes narrowing.
"Uh… yea, maybe I have been acting a bit weird…" muttered Beast Boy, letting out a nervous laugh. He had no idea what to say.
"You two haven't argued since breakfast. You're definitely acting weird" said Robin.
"Um. It's just that seeing the Telepath make Raven lose control like that was uh… disturbing" murmured Beast Boy, trying to come up with something plausible. It was half-true at least.
"So that's why you're acting nice to her? Because you realised how close we were to losing Raven?" asked Robin, concernedly.
"Yea…" replied Beast Boy, hoping he was going down the right track.
"Do you want to see a psychologist?" questioned Robin abruptly.
"Huh, what? No!" cried Beast Boy indignantly.
"Are you sure? They can really help you get over things like that" said Robin.
"I'm fine!" huffed Beast Boy, before walking out of the room.
"Robin. May I ask, what is the psychologist?" Starfire asked. Robin launched into a full description of the word, unaware of the consternation he had caused.
Beast Boy closed the door to his room. He had been so worried that Robin was going to ask if he had feelings for Raven. He would have just answered no… wouldn't he have since he knew it wasn't true? Beast Boy shook his head, he didn't know anymore. He still couldn't muster the force to blast his thoughts of Raven out of his skull. She had been shocked when he had said that he cared for her. He couldn't deny that though, he did care for her. In a friendly way. He felt his heart quicken as her face appeared in his head. Was it possible the he really was falling for Raven?
Raven was confused. She had been deceived by her own thoughts, telling her that no one cared for her. Now Beast Boy had proclaimed the words, and could she deny it anymore? No, she told herself. Her mind was a jumble of thoughts, as a certain green boy drifted through her head. She sighed, she wanted to talk to him but she wasn't sure if he thought the same. She was too proud to admit to him that she enjoyed their conversations. They made her feel as if she was… someone, rather than something.
It was evening, and the sun had set, leaving the slightest rays of light sparkling in the sky. There was a heavy wind, though it was not howling its rage. Clouds covered the sky, leaving a few patches of darkening blue in its path. Beast Boy sat thinking, on his bed. He still was unable to force the haunting thoughts of Raven from his mind. Those dark yet brilliant violet eyes. The soft lustrous nature of her hair. That pale skin of hers. Beast Boy felt his heart quicken. He took in a breath. He could no longer deny that he did have some feelings for Raven. His mind envisioned Raven's face, and with contentment, Beast Boy smiled.
AN: Just got back from Canberra/Sydney, so back to regular updates. Some days might be updated with two stories, depending on how much time I spend on this. Thanks for the reviews, hope you had a good Easter.