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Chapter 20 – Dreaming With A Broken Heart
As he stared dumbly into hazel eyes, Percy tried to work his addled brain around what the woman in front of him was proposing. If he'd known he'd be walking into this particular conversation, he wouldn't have had that fourth glass of Firewhiskey.
He had never considered himself a man that asked for much when it came to matters of the heart. He knew he wasn't ruggedly handsome or finely chiseled. In fact, his Muggleborn friends used to taunt him with the nickname Ronald McDonald in his younger days. He'd had a vague notion of who that was, but refrained from truly exploring this individual's identity. He had a feeling it was better for his ego not to know.
After all the rejection he'd experienced throughout his years at Hogwarts, he was aware his options were limited. So when he turned twenty-three and began to mull over the prospect of marriage, taking into account his less than appealing physique and apparent lack of charm, the notion of love… ever being in love was easily discarded. He turned his sites toward the witch that would be drawn to his practical qualities: his steadfastness, and pragmatic nature. She would want a partner of sorts – a wizard who would work with her to run a successful household. She would be intelligent and well bred, and as loath about the whole love business as he was.
Granted this line of attack had left him damn near celibate for most if not all of his adult life, but he was certain that the right woman would eventually come along. And he hadn't been about to debase himself by shagging anything in heels in the meantime, unlike his brothers. No, he was above that.
Now that this dream witch had finally entered his life and literally laid a marriage proposal at his feet though, he found he was too confused and hazy to answer her. She was perfect for him in every way. She was rich, driven, and devoid of all female over emotional romanticisms. But she wasn't her.
"Ms. Bulstrode," he began, tripping over his words slightly, "I'm deeply honoured that you feel I'm a viable candidate for your hand but – "
"Mr.Weasley, I understand you're still in love with my best friend and will be for some time but please consider my offer. We would make a formidable match."
"I… I don't know. I have to admit I'm not really… my heads not…" He just couldn't seem to get his mouth to cooperate. In that moment, his old reasons for avoiding alcohol became quite clear in his mind. "I'm not altogether with it at the moment. I'll need some time."
"Of course. I'm in no rush. If you could give me your answer by next month's end, it would be much appreciated."
"I…" What could he say to her? He would never be able to love her but she already knew that and didn't seem to mind. But how could he marry a woman who was best friends with the love of his life? He'd be forced into her company on a regular basis. Both married to other people. It would be hell on Earth.
"Is that not long enough?" Millicent asked, cutting into his thoughts.
"No, that's plenty of time. Thank you," he mumbled.
A heavy silence settled over them as Percy looked away and took to staring out over the moonlit gardens. Although he stood at her side a mere two feet between them, Millicent could easily gather he was a million miles away.
After a few moments of watching him, she sighed deeply and gave her head a slight shake. If only she had thought to make her proposal sooner, she wouldn't have had to deal with a damaged, broken man. He was still the best option for her as far as a husband went, being business savvy, frugal, and devout to etiquette. But it was becoming clear their first couple years of marriage would be fraught with some difficulties as he mended himself.
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Stepping through the glass double doors leading to the terrace, the sight that first met Pansy's eyes made her throat and chest seize painfully. It had all the makings of a truly romantic scene: a bright full moon in a clear, starry night sky; the darkened silhouettes of a man and a woman, standing side by side staring out onto a vast garden bathed in a ghostly white light; and the pleasant strains of music filtering out into the night air from inside.
Pansy loathed everything about that specific moment. The two people involved should not be anywhere near each other. The vile need to disrupt and even demolish the picture overwhelmed her, and she cleared her throat roughly drawing both individuals' attention.
Percy held her gaze for a brief second then turned back to the grounds, putting his back firmly to her. For her part, Millie simply watched the exchange, pity for both clouding her features. She then reached up and gave Percy's arm a sympathetic pat before walking toward the house as if to leave.
As Millie was passing her by, Pansy hissed sharply. "Stay away from him."
Millie came up short, surprised by the vehemence in her dearest friend's voice. She glanced over, and although Pansy's gaze was set steadily on Percy's back, a frightening, possessive rage was firing deeply within her eyes.
"Pansy, you know that I adore you but you have absolutely no right to ask that. You had your chance with him and you chose Draco instead."
"You know it's not that simple." Pansy whimpered, her aggression completely gone.
"And Mr. Weasley should suffer because of your family's archaic beliefs and obligations? He's a smart man, Pansy. He deserves to be happy. Well, content at least." Millicent glanced back to Percy's tall, lanky figure, and she huffed out a breath through her nose, deciding on a change of tactic. "Pansy, because of you he is a very desirable, sought after young man now. If he will not be with me one day then there will definitely be some other woman pursuing him if there isn't already. Wouldn't you rather he be with a friend than some strange woman you didn't know?"
Pansy briefly shifted her eyes to her friend, momentarily reminded of her unsettling conversation with Percy's secretary, Phyllis.
'I'd rather him just with me,' she thought selfishly.
Seeing the pain wearing plainly on Pansy's face, Millicent sighed deeply and placed her hands on Pansy's upper arms to give them a comforting rub.
"Goodnight Pansy love. Please be gentle with him, he's really quite fragile right now. You've done a fair bit of damage." With that, Millicent left them to their solitude on the open terrace.
Forcing down the desire to just run at him and wrap both arms around his lithe frame, Pansy drew in a full breath and steeled her resolve to maintain her dignity at all costs. With slow measured steps, she brought herself to within only a few feet of him and straightened up stiffly. As she stood waiting for him to turn around, she grew nervous and agitated at his stubborn refusal to acknowledge her presence.
"I have your invoice," he muttered, his voice shattering the near silence of the night.
"Percy, that's really not necessary."
"Oh, but it is," he quipped.
"Can we at least talk face to face?" she implored, wringing her hands tightly to stop them from reaching out to him.
From where she stood, she could almost make out him lowering his head as his right hand disappeared seemingly to give his face a quick scrub. Slowly he swiveled around but chose to focus his hooded gaze on a point just behind her. Pansy gasped slightly. Millie was not exaggerating. He looked absolutely dreadful.
"Oh Percy…"
She went to take a step forward, reaching for his face but he countered her move by stepping back and pushing her hands away. Through all this, he still refused to meet her eyes.
"Can we get on with this? If it's all the same to you, I… I have somewhere else I'd rather be."
She regarded him uncertainly, surprised by his slovenly appearance and wavering posture. "Percy, are you quite all right?"
Disregarding her question, he looked down to his robes, and groped about his person. Pulling out a piece of parchment, he handed it to her and made his first attempt at eye contact since her arrival.
Locking his gaze with hers, he announced in mocking grandeur. "Here you go. As agreed upon at our last meeting, Ms. Parkinson, my assessment of my worth as a human being plus any expenditures I feel are my due as a result of being your companion for two months."
Ignoring his bitter words, Pansy pressed on with her concern. "Percy, have you been drinking?"
"I don't drink, Ms. Parkinson. It clouds my better judgment," he spat.
Unwilling to tear her eyes away from him, she reluctantly unfolded the parchment and glanced down at it to find it completely blank.
Snapping her eyes back up to him, she uttered, "Percy! No…" All thoughts of keeping up her stoic appearance fled in that moment.
"Well, if that's everything, Ms. Parkinson. I will now take my leave of you."
He bowed to her awkwardly, and then began to amble away.
Turning quickly as if just remembering something, he offered, "Take all the time you need with that. I know it's a lot to ask."
He pulled his cloak about himself in an unsuccessful bid to straighten his person, and then turned to leave.
Lunging for his arms, she spun him easily to face her. "That is quite enough. You are worth a great deal more to me than… than this." She flailed the parchment in his face.
"Apparently not," he countered in a low growl.
Stepping into him and placing her hands on his chest, she whispered, "Percy, please, you're everything to me."
"Who exactly are you marrying again?" he lobbed back at her sarcastically, brushing her hands off of him.
"I love you though." She pressed on, ignoring his attempts to dislodge her and grabbing fistfuls of his cloak.
He tore himself away and began to pace. "That doesn't sodding matter, Pansy, now does it? You're marrying him , now aren't you?"
"In name only," she whimpered.
That stopped his agitated gait. "Pardon?"
"Only on paper. That's what we've agreed upon. He knows how I feel about you and doesn't mind us being together. He and I will keep separate lives, and only come together when we need to produce an heir."
Percy stared at her blankly. "Pardon?" he repeated as he looked down into her eyes, his own holding far too many questions.
"We can still be together. You and I." She supplied, taking a step toward him and placing her hands on his cheeks.
Easily pulling his face forward due to his confusion, Pansy greedily pressed her lips to his and could immediately taste the Firewhiskey on them. She felt her throat constrict at the thought that he'd fallen so low because of her, and she became determined to smooth away that pain.
His mind too foggy to protest and his body too desperate to fill its cravings for her, Percy gave into the warm supple texture of her lips. The moment the tension in his body eased, Pansy snaked her arms around his neck, and deepened the kiss with a light brush of her tongue against his lips and then a subtle invasion. Moaning deeply, Percy instinctively folded his arms about her and brought her fully against him.
It had been far too long since their last encounter for him to stop, and yet there was something in the back of his mind niggling at his conscience. Then suddenly with alarming force, his mind cleared of the alcohol and lust induced haze and reality came slamming back to him. She belonged to someone else. She would never truly be his.
Gently placing his hands on her upper arms, he reluctantly eased her back, breaking the mind numbing kiss, and pressed his forehead against hers.
"No, we can't," he whispered.
"Excuse me?" she gasped slightly, not understanding his meaning through the heat of her own blinding desire.
He backed away from her, and held her at arms length to keep them both steady.
"I cannot… I will not be the lover to some other man's wife. I was raised to be a husband, Pansy. I want to be a father some day, and as much as I love you," he paused and swallowed down the growing lump in his throat before continuing, "that is something I wouldn't ever be able to have with you."
The full weight of what he was saying came crashing down on her, and wracking, silent sobs began to violently rock her chest. She squeezed her eyes shut and felt her knees begin to give way under the weight of her sudden grief. The plan had failed.
"Pansy, please… please don't do this to me. " He stepped into her, and pulled her into a tight embrace.
She clung to him, wanting nothing more than to beg him not to leave her… to stay with her, but her chest and throat were completely locked up with utter despair. She could only offer him gasping sobs.
"You know me, Pansy," he forced out, his voice becoming thick. "The Weasley in me would come out. I… I wouldn't be able to handle you having another man's child. I'm too much of a jealous, possessive git for that. Call me selfish but I want you all to myself."
He pulled away and forced her to meet his eyes. "If I had my way, you'd be my wife. You'd only ever carry my child. Do you understand me?"
She stilled and met his gaze openly and evenly, exploring the possibility of such a future. She had wanted it, daydreaming over visions of red haired children, but couldn't be sure of his intentions.
Quite suddenly, he released her and took a large step back, leaving her to stagger slightly. "But these are only my wants, which add up in worth to about the same as what's on that piece of parchment."
"Percy?" she asked timidly, trembling at the idea of what he was about to do.
He was beginning to visibly shake. From fear, sadness, anger, or loss she did not know.
"You've made your choice, and it wasn't me," he finally managed. "Now I have to make mine."
And with that, he was gone. After a moment of standing in stunned disbelief, Pansy staggered to the low marble wall dividing the terrace from the gardens, and leaned her full weight onto her hands. She'd never felt such a torrent of emotion and piercing heartache before. She just wanted to curl up and disappear.
As her sobbing eased, Percy's final words came back to her. 'You've made your choice, and it wasn't me. Now I have to make mine.'
A new terrible reality began to settle in. He would, in all likelihood, end up marrying Millie. He'd be a fool not to. She'd been quite open in her admiration of him, and when Millicent Bulstrode wanted something, she usually got it.
It would be one thing if she never saw him again. As dreadful as that outcome would be, she'd still be able to get over him to some degree. But to be madly in love with her best friend's husband… to watch him have children with her… to build a family and life with her. It would be torture beyond her worst nightmares.
Pansy was so deeply ensconced in her thoughts that she failed to hear the approach of a new arrival.
Without warning, a man's voice drove itself into her ear. "I'm guessing from your current state he wasn't partial to the plan."
Pansy quickly batted at the tears staining her cheeks as if to hide the evidence of her weakness, and muttered viciously. "What would ever give you that idea?"
"Pansy…" Draco pleaded in a low voice, but she turned around quickly and regarded him coolly. Whatever he had to say died quickly on his lips by the sheer torture in her eyes.
"No, he didn't go for it if you must know," she continued. "Like any self respecting Weasley, he's not prepared to share. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to retire for the evening. Could you be a dear and let the remain guests know that I've become ill and have gone to bed?" The last she spat out bitterly through clenched teeth.
She began to leave but he reached out, grabbing her arm, to stay her departure. "Panse, I'm sorry."
Without even meeting his searching gaze, she wrenched her arm free. "Goodnight, Draco. Please show yourself out."
After she was gone, Draco released the breath he was holding in a steady stream and wandered blindly over to the short, marble wall. As he stared out unseeing of the beautiful grounds, he marveled at how things had become so utterly cocked up.
'If the Weasel had actually gone for it,' he mused, 'at least one of us could have been happy in this ridiculous sham of a marriage.'
Now they were both destined to be miserable. Not that he himself had much of a chance at happiness what with how things had progressed over the past six months. As much as he had tried, he hadn't been able to get over the hurt and sense of betrayal still plaguing him.
"Bloody sodding Weasleys! Always fucking everything up and getting in the way!" he muttered to himself.
"They're not that bad," came a voice from directly behind him.
Draco started slightly at the close proximity and familiarity of the voice but did not turn around.
"You shouldn't sneak up on people. You're liable to get hexed," he offered in the coldest clipped tone he could muster.
"I'll take the chance," the voice mumbled as it grew closer.
Before Draco could respond, he felt two hands grip his arms lightly and warm, full lips press against the nape of his neck. An uncontrollable shudder rocketed down his spine clear to his toes and he gasped at the various sensations rolling through him. It had been months since he'd experienced the pleasure those lips could offer.
"You're not welcome here," he sighed out, trying unsuccessfully to sound dismissive and uncaring.
But the person behind him, pressing their chest firmly to his back, stubbornly refused to hear his words. "I've missed you," the voice mouthed against his neck.
Draco took an unsteady breath and tried to find his resolve. He simply couldn't give into the lull. He refused to be hurt again. "Whose fault is that?"
"Entirely my own." With that simple whispered response, the hands released his arms and snaked their way around his midriff. "Draco, please don't do this."
It was those words that woke him from the spell being cast. He tore himself violently away and spun around to face his demon… his greatest pleasure and deepest pain embodied in one single form.
A/N: Yes, it's angsty I know, but break ups and resolutions often are.
jrintha: They might, Rabbit. They might.Carla Coleman: They should have some say, but we'll see. The old, upper classes of the magical world work in some very funny ways.
Over the Moon: Ginny's just being over protective because Percy was the one who was there for her with the whole Blaise fiasco. And thank you so much :)
QueenoftheClumsyDorks: Thank you :) And you might just have something there.
Angel Rayne: This is where Pansy and Percy's very different upbringings cause the most conflict. Ginny isn't sympathetic because she doesn't know the inner workings of the upper classes. This chapter was one of the climaxes but there are a few more to come. I'm not sure there's going to be a wedding. You'll see what I mean when I get there. And Draco's person has shown themselves, but will they be able to stop the inevitable? DUH DUH DUH...
autumnlover: lol. Thank you :Dstoneofpurity: There are a few more head spinning moments to come, but it should resolve quickly. Any particular pairing you want for "Knicker Twisting and Swellage of the Heart"? lol.
Miss Anthrope: I'll be surprised if you don't get it by the next chapter. lol. And yes, all will be revealed shortly :) Draco and Pansy are old friends. Almost like brother and sister. They'd make it through just about anything. I think in light of what they're plan was though and the moral implications of it, that you wouldn't really want it to work out. Could you really see Percy agreeing to be her lover?