When we last left our heroes, Sora got sucked up, Riku got sucked down, and Kairi disintegrated. Meanwhile, Goofy was being goofy, Donald was driving a high-tech Lego ship through outer space, and King Mickey was nowhere to be found. In addition, the innuendo ridden dialog spawned fifty-seven Yaoi stories. So, now that we're all caught up…
Kingdome Hearts, Only Not
Chapter Three: Logic Is Not Conducive To Game Play
"Donald look! Another star's blinkin' out!"
"How do you know it's not a satellite?"
"…Well, gawrsh, I guess you may be right."
"That's right. Now hurry up! We need to find this 'Key.'"
"Maybe that Leon guy can help!" He said, noticing Pluto and Donald going in different directions. "Uhhh, Donald, I-"
"Oh what do you know."
He scratched his head. "Well lotsa stuff Donald…C'mon Pluto!" The dog/man called over his shoulder to the dog, who ignored him and ran off in another direction.
Meanwhile…
Sora, who's entire life had just fallen apart mind you, was unconscious in a piss smelling ally behind a pile of boxes. This is when Pluto came onto the sceen, and gave Sora a lick on the cheek.
"Two more minutes ma…" Pluto then crushed his rib cage (Seriously though, that looked painful.) "Whoa! Hey, where am I! This isn't a dream!" He panicked getting to his feet. That's when he noticed Little ol' Pluto. One can only assume there were no animals on Destiny Islands, because that was when Sora started talking to him. Haha, talking animals! How silly! Can you imagi- HEY WAIT A MINUTE!
"Bark!" Pluto said happily, then ran off. Sora was upset by this, and ran after him. What he saw both shocked and amazed him. The bright lights, big signs, and oddly dressed people, not to mention some extremely skimpily dressed woman, it meant one thing!
Sora was in New York City!
Or at least you would think that, but, no, he was really in Traverse town. Ether way, Sora as beyond confused, and decided it would be in his best interest to enter an accessory shop instead of a hospital or police station. Although, can you blame him? Seeing as how there weren't any.
After Sora had just entered, a blond man looked over smiling cheerfully. "Hello customer! How may I help you this fine-" He then paused, and his face fell along with every ounce of his fake happiness. "Oh, it's just a kid."
"It's not 'kid,' it's Sora!" Said Sora getting all worked up over nothing.
"Okay, calm down. What do you want?"
"Where am I?"
Five seconds later…
"So this is another world?"
"Not sure I know what you're talking about…" Which was a lie because he came from another world himself, "But you sure aren't on your island no more. Why don't you go look for your friends, and come on back if you need help."
"Thanks Grandpa!"
"My names Cid not Grandpa!"
"Can I call you uncle Cid?"
"No. Now get out." He stated evenly pointing to the door. Sora did as he was told like a good little idiot. (Jump through the hoop Sora! Jump through the hoop! GOOD BOY!)
Later…
"I am so beyond lost it's not even funny." Sora stated looking over a map he came across an hour ago. The map however was not the town map and Sora was beginning to realize this 'Traverse Town' didn't have a 'Magic Kingdom' or a 'Space Mountain.' "You would think people would have the sense to properly dispose of useless maps." He said tossing it over his shoulder.(anyone catch the irony there?)
Ignoring the recycling bin to his right, he wandered about swinging his new weapon at various darkness monsters. He looked everywhere for his dear friends, but none were to be found, and decided to head on back to see Cid. Before he could do this however, a man ran by him, and a small dark monster jumped on his head, stealing his heart. Not his HEART heart, you know, the gray lopsided organ that pumps blood and thus would bleed profusely upon being removed, oh no no no! Rather it was the sparkly pink and red and even orange-ish heart that contained your emotions, sense of right and wrong, and all the light and dark in you. You know, the one you keep in your spleen.
The heartless then wondered off leaving Sora confused, scared, and a little hungry. After a few more hours of Sora's aimless wondering, which had turned into Sora's aimless running for his life, he arrived back in the first district. He explained to Cid of all the events that had happened in his absence, and Cid assured him he would find his friends and to keep looking. Sora, again, did as he was told and promptly left. But no sooner than he had exited the small shop did Sora hear a voice from behind him.
"They'll come for you." Said a certain brown haired FFVIII character.
"What?"
"And they'll keep on coming at you, so long as you continue to wield the key blade." He paused, putting his hand to his forehead. "But why? Why did it choose a kid like you?"
"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?!"
"It doesn't matter. Now…lets see that key blade…"
"What!? No way! There is no way you're getting- Wait, why am I defending this giant, blunt, key-like object anyway? I mean, really, it's-" Leon took this opportunity to hit Sora on the head, and he promptly fainted. That was around the same time Rikku popped up and…
…Oh, I'm sorry!
The part of Final Fantasy cameo number two will be played by Yuffie instead of Rikku, because her name confuses the Americans. She will be voiced by Christy Carlson Romano, because fate is cruel.
We will now return to our regularly scheduled programming.
"I think you may have overdone it Squall!" She chirped.
"My names Leon."
"Not according to your birth certificate!"
"That disintegrated when our word succumbed to the darkness." he deadpanned. Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Anyway…it looks like things are worse than we thought…"
Elsewhere…
In some back-ally on the outskirts of town, Donald and Goofy were looking around for this 'Key' their King so vaguely spoke of. However as anyone would know, one never travels in the back allies of a strange city. Apparently, Donald was out of the loop on that bit.
"Gawrsh Donald…sure is spooky back here…"
"No it's not you coward!" He shouted. He felt a light tap on his shoulder, and in an ironic and unbelievably corny but cute altogether Disney attempt at comedy, he contradicted himself and jumped three feet in the air. When he finally landed on Goofy's back, and turned around, he saw a girl.
"Um, excuse me? Did the king send you?"
Elsewhere…
"Wake up lazy bum!" Shouted the all-to-familiar voice of Kairi. Sora made a groaning noise and sat up in bed. You know the one that he didn't go to sleep in. But that doesn't worry Sora, because his not-Girlfriend is there for him to talk to. "Are you okay?"
"Um, yeah I guess."
"Those heartless are after the key blade, but it's your heart they really want, because you wield the key blade."
"I'm so glad you're okay, Kairi!" Said Sora completely ignoring and disregarding everything she just said.
"Kairi? Who are you talking about? I'm the great ninja Yuffie!" The girl shouted proudly. Sora was confused by this and blinked at the crazy ninja girl, who looked over her shoulder at her friend. "I think you may have overdone it Squall!"
"My name is Le-Wait, didn't we already have this conversation?"
"Wait, Keyblade?" Asked Sora who had just then started to catch on.
"Oh, yeah. We had to get it away from you to shake off those creatures. That's how they were tracking you."
"So you put it on the other side of the same room I was in?"
"Hey, whatever works."
"It was the only way to hide you're heart from them. But it won't work for long." Leon explained.
"Well, of course not, it's right there."
Leon, blatantly ignoring Sora and his silly logic, picked up the key shaped blunt object. "But still…I can't believe it chose a kid like you." The man complained swinging the sword. However, in an amazing flash of light, Sora suddenly had the very blade Leon had only moments earlier. It shot though his hand, almost stabbing him in the process. But that would be a huge rip off and extremely anti-climactic. His life was spared. "Oh well…Guess beggars can't be choosers."
"…Seriously, I have no clue what you're talking about."
Elsewhere again…
Aerith sighed deeply. "Okay, you know there are other worlds out there besides this one and your castle, right?"
"Of course!" Donald quaked.
"But their supposed to be a secret!" Goofy said putting his hands over his mouth.
"They were a secret…well you know except for when King Mickey came and all that but for the most part it was. See they'd never been connected until then. When the heartless-"
"And King Mickey!"
"Don't forget Disney in general."
"…When the heartless came, everything changed."
Un-Elsewhere…
"Heartless?" Questioned Sora.
"The ones who attacked you, remember?"
"Well, no. As a matter of fact I can't remember a lot of stuff ever since that guy hit me on the head."
"They are those without hearts." Leon explained.
"The darkness in peoples hearts…that's what attracts them."
"And there is darkness in every heart."
"Wait!" The main character cut in angrily. "But then how do they get the supply of blood and oxygen to their-"
She hastily cut him off. "Hey! Have you ever heard of a guy named Ansem?"
"…I was just dropped off in a new world after living my life with no contact with other worlds and never being sure there even were any. How could I possibly, under any circumstances-"
Re-Elsewhere…
"Ann Sam?"
"He studied the heartless, and recorded his findings in a very detaild term-paper."
"Well gawrsh, can we see it?"
"It's pages are scattered everywhere…too Many worlds."
"So they could be anywhere within the vast and possibly endless vacuum of space?"
"No, they've probably only gone as far as a nine world radius."
"…Oh…"
"OH!" Goofy said, coming to a realization. "So maybe The King went to find them!"
"Yes, those were my thoughts exactly!"
"Well we gotta find him quick!"
"WAIT ONE MINUTE!" Shouted Donald, pulling the fourth wall down a little in an extremely cheesy but all together adorable Disney attempt at humor once more. This made the Disney fans go 'Heh…that silly duck…' and the Final Fantasy fans go 'FAIL.' "First we need that 'key!'"
"Oh right, the key blade!"
Un-Re-Elsewhere…
"So this is the 'Key.'"
"Um, yeah. Thus the name 'Keyblade.'"
"The heartless have a great fear of the Keyblade. That's why they'll keep coming after you. In hopes they can…like…break it or something…"
"Okay wait one minute! I didn't ask for this! Shouldn't this kind of thing involve paper work or something?!"
"They Keyblade chooses it's master. And it chose you!"
"So, tough luck."
"But how did all this happen!? I…I remember being in my room…doing nothing…WAIT! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HOME! MY ISLAND! RIKU…and Kairi…?"
"You know what? They probably died."
"WHAT?!"
"Well I'm sorry, but it's true. The only possible way they could have survived is if somehow they ether had an unbelievably strong heart, like strong enough to also wield the keyblade, of hid their heart within you which really doesn't make sense because of the horrible heath complications it would cause if you had different blood types."
"But that run-on sentence makes no sense!"
"Who cares about that making sense? How about the fact that you're more worried about your friends than your parents!"
"Well, the games main theme is the bond of friendship. Parent-child relationships don't really apply here. Not only that, most kids our age hate their parents, so it would be hard for them to relate."
The poor innocent fourth wall never had a chance.
"Regardless!" Leon said dismissing Sora and his crazy friendship theme and plot holes. "You better get ready kid, because this is going to be the fight of your life."
"But-!"
"LEON LOOK!" Yuffie shouted pointing to a small heartless that had appeared in the corner of the room. The man pulled out his gun blade and ordered that Yuffie run, and Sora follow him into a back-ally. On her way out, Yuffie squished Donald into the wall, and worried Aerith. Then a lot of other things happened, all of it action which Kimi can't write for her life. Our end result?
Later…
After a few more minutes of slashing away at heartless and stumbling around in the darkness of Travers town for a few hours, Sora made his way to what he could only assume was the second district. However he probably would have had a much easier time had Leon stayed with him instead of running off to leave a fourteen year old child with obvious signs of ADD to figure his way around a strange, new, dark, and stupidly designed world. Especially since he had absolutely no idea where he was going. And when I say dark, I don't mean Pokémon Gold and Silver style 'LOL It's leik…dark now :D!!1one!' I mean the kind of dark that just is not conductive to game play. Like Zelda: Twilight Princess. Yeah. That dark.
Anyway, after even more running around not knowing where the heck to go, Sora slammed right into the door leading to the third district. He stood up, pinched his nose that was bleeding, and opened the door, muttering words that shouldn't even exist in anything even remotely Disney. Little did he know, just a few feet above his head was two talking animals, looking for the very thing he possessed. Two very incompetent talking animals. Two very incompetent who would soon become his somewhat annoying incompetent talking animal sidekicks. Well, Actually they would be his two slightly annoying talking animal sidekicks, one of which was incompetent, and the other slightly less incompetent but twice as annoying, together making the party members you get rid of so you can fit Tarzan into your party.
Okay, maybe not Tarzan but still.
Cause, you know, Deep jungle was like the most pointless and boring world in the game resulting mainly of a bad idea and a budget cut.
ANYWAY.
"Hey Donald look! Is that the 'Key?'"
"HOW WOULD I KNOW YA BIG PALOOKA?!"
"Well I just- GAWRSH!" He shouted pointing to a small heartless preparing for an attack. However because Donald was just SO smart, he cast a Thunder spell that blew them off the balcony that has no legitimate reason as to how they got there. Seriously. It had no door. Not only that, but at what point did they decide they'd find the 'Key' there? Ether way, they were thrown off violently and fell to there doom.
And they landed on Sora. Sora in turn made a cracking noise.
"Oh, The Key!"
"OH GOD MY SPINE!"
And so an epic battle against random heartless began! Then when all the monsters had been created, a crazy giant armor like one jumped out of nowhere. This one was also defeated. But only after the near death Sora experienced. After everything clamed down, Sora turned to his new friends.
"So…you were looking for me?"
"Well, kinda…"
"They too were looking for the wielder of the Keyblade."
"HEY!" Goofy shouted. "Why don't you come to other worlds with us in our Lego ship!"
"Gummi ship." Donald corrected.
"I wonder if I could find my friends…" He wondered out loud.
"Absolutely!"
"Really?" Goofy whispered.
"Who knows, but we need him to come with us." He whispered back.
"…You realize I'm right here and can hear everything you're saying, right?"
"…Uhhhh…"
"Go with them Sora. Especially if you want to find your parents."
"But I don't want to find my parents."
"OKEY DOKEY THEN!" Goofy shouted with a wide smile. "But you can't go lookin' all sad!"
"That's right! Our ship runs on happy faces!"
"…That is quite possibly the single gayest thing I have ever heard, but okay." Sora then made the most horrific face that has ever been. This, sadly, was the beginning of their friendship. They laughed together. "Okay! I'll go with you guys!"
"I'm Donald Duck!" Holding his hand out.
"Goofy!" He placed his hand on Donald's.
"And I'm Sora!" He stated proudly putting his hand on top.
"And I'm Yuffie!" Yuffie shouted placing her hand in too. They all stared at her for a long time, her happy face slowly fading.
"…You killed it."
Elsewhere…
In a room, far away from our unsuspecting heroes, were a group of shady individuals. The room they were in was covered in darkness, to a point beyond the inconvenience of Zelda TP. All that could be used to identify these people were their voices.
"So, the little squirt beat the heartless! Who would have thought." Said someone who sounded suspiciously similar to James Woods.
"Such is the power of the keyblade. The child's power is not his own…" Said someone you could mistake for Jonathan Freeman.
"Let's just turn him into a heartless! That'll settle things quick enough!" Shouted a woman with the voice of one miss Pat Carroll.
"And his friends are the kings lackeys!" Someone who was probably Corey Burton said. He said more but it was all really annoying and generally stupid. In short he called them ugly, I guess.
"Your no prize yourself!" Shouted…god I don't know, Ken Page?
"SHUT UP!"
"Enough!" ordered Susan Blakeslee. You know I'm not making this up, right? I'm looking all the voice actors up right now. "He has been chosen by the Keyblade. Will it be him who conquers the darkness? Or will the darkness swallow him…? Ether way, he could be quite useful."
"…Or he could become even stronger and, you know, kill all of us."
"Did I ask you?"
Back with Sora…
"Okay, take care of yourself. There are a lot of threats out there." Leon warned them.
"Check out some of the shops! They got some really awesome stuff!" Yuffie said with a bright smile.
"And take this seemingly large but actually quite small amount of money with you." Said Aerith handing him 100 munny. "And good luck!"
"Um…thanks?"
"Okay everyone!" Said Donald in a chipper voice. "It's time to leave! But before we do, I need to give you this!" Donald shouted. Suddenly Sora obtained the ability to use fire spells.
"…Wait how on earth did you-"
"Oh and Goofy give him that other thing!"
And with that Sora obtained the doge roll ability.
"…How the hell did that even work?"
"It doesn't have to make sense it just has to work. Now get in the ship."
And so the epic adventure began!
…The epic adventure of plot holes and logic lacking situations that don't make sense all lovingly made fun of and pointed out by a young girl in a fan fiction that probably wasn't a every good idea in the first place…
But oh well.
Kingdome Hearts, Only Not
Last Edited: 3/31/08
(A/N: Wow. Okay. Um yeah, Two months. Ha..haha…um yeah about that. WELL THE FUNNY DOESN'T JUST COME ON DEMAND YOU KNOW! IF I DON'T FEEL LIKE I'M IN A FUNNY MOOD I CAN'T WRITE OR IT COMES OUT LIKE CRAP! Anyway…in addition to that, a lot of things have gotten in the way of my writing. Amazingly I do have a life. Yes, school, but also friends and extra curricular activities. So yeah. This will happen often. This is my best work so far and I want it to come out the best it can. That, in turn, takes time and effort. So yeah, I'm doing my best here guys. I'll try to keep the updates under a month at a time at the most. Well, enjoy this late chapter, and please review! It makes my day, it really does! Till next time!)