Boosh-dust.
Summery- Stardust/Mighty Boosh crossover. Howard Thorn wishes to impress Victoria Gideon by going beyound their village wall to find a fallen star in a new magical world.
Disclaimer- I do not own the Boosh. I do not own Stardust either, nor the orginal book by Neil Gaiman.
Author's Notes- Noel was originally be in this film, but couldn't due to ill health :( so I'm putting him, well Vince in this now lol. This is also in script form.
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Chapter Three- The Stars Meet.
Howard approches the gap in the wall where Naboo was still guarding, complete with hooka.
Naboo: Tommy Thorn, not again!
Howard: No, it's me Howard thorn
Naboo: Oh. You do look a bit like your father. And I bet you want to cross the wall as well, do you?
Howard (suspecting): Cross the wall as well as who?
Naboo: No one, nobody crosses the wall! You know that! Everybody knows that.
Howard: You know, I know. I understand, nobody. Well I better head home then.
Naboo: Good night Howard.
Howard: Good night.
Howard begins to walk away, then turns, runs and tries to cross the wall, but Naboo, in spite of his old age, manages to stop him by flipping over the wall and swinging his staff, giving Howard some nice bruises in the process.
Naboo: Off you go.
--
Back at the Thorn house, Tommy comes down the stairs to find Howard holding cold meat to his head.
Tommy: Was it that Joey again?
Howard: No. No, it was Naboo at the wall.
Tommy: He's over 300 years old.
Howard: Well, he's had a lot of time to practice.
Tommy is sitting beside him now.
Tommy: Why were you trying to cross the wall?
Howard: I might ask you the same thing.
Tommy winces at the statement and tells Howard to follow him to the attic.
Howard: I have a mother. I mean, everyone has a mother, but… she could still be alive.
Tommy: Oh, I hope so. I'd certainly like to think so. Your mother was marvolous, even though see smelt of peanuts and drank her own pee.
He gives Howard the baby basket he arrived in, showing him the remaining piece of chain and...
Howard (smiling): The glass snowdrop.
Tommy holds up a rolled note that was also in the basket.
Tommy: I've never opened it. It's addressed to you.
Howard unrolls it and a black candle falls out of the bottom, which he hands to his father. He begins to read and a voice-over changes to Monkey and we see her writing the note in Dennis's caravan, baby Howard in the basket beside her.
Monkey:
My dearest Howard, please know that I only ever wanted the best for
you. Had my master allowed it, I would have kept you in a heartbeat.
I hope you will understand and forgive me. My dearest wish is that we
will meet someday, and remember that the fastest way to travel is by
candlelight and think only of me.
All my love, Your mother.
Howard (smile widening): Do you have a light?
Tommy finds a match and strikes it on the floor, then lights the candle Howard holds. The candle brightens as he thinks of his mother and Howard vanishes in a bright gold light, leaving his father alone.
--
Somewhere in a clearing in Stormhold, there was a wordless scene where Vince, the fallen star pulls himself up, picks up the necklace next to him and puts it on. His raven hair was almost hidden by the darkness, but when the moonlight hit it, it shone a beautiful deep blackish blue colour. His bright blue eyes shone as bright as the rest of the stars in the sky.
He is still pained by his ankle, which was slightly sprained. A bright gold light with a faint outline of a person shoots towards and into him. The light fades and Howard crashes into him, knocking him over.
Howard: Mother? Oh! Oh, mother. I'm so sorry. Are you all right?
Vince: No, I'm not and I'm not your mother. I might look it, but I'm not, so get off me!
Howard backs off.
Howard: No, sorry. Are you all right? Do you want some help?
Vince (annoyed): Help by leaving me alone!
Howard: All right...
He begins to walk away, talking to himself
Howard: Oh my God! "Light the candle and think of me". I was, I was thinking of my mo... but then Victoria and the star just... (to Vince) Oh, excuse me, sorry, this may seem strange but have you seen a fallen star anywhere?
Vince: Oh, you're funny.
Howard: No, really. We're in a crater, this must be where it fell.
Vince (sarcastic): Yeah, this where it fell. It is, or if you want to be really specific up there (pointing to the sky) is where this weird bloody necklace (shows him the necklace) came out of nowhere and knocked it out of the heavens where it was minding its own business. And over there is where it landed. And right here, here is where it got hit by a magical flying idiot!
Howard (amazed): You're the star? Really? Oh, wow! I'm sorry, I didn't expect you to be a... Oh, and may I just say for advanced that I'm sorry.
Vince: Sorry for what?
Howard: For this.
Howard takes out a chain and ties it around Vince's wrist.
Howard: Now, this means you have to come with me. See, you're going to be a birthday gift for Victoria, my true love.
Vince (incredulous): Of course! Nothing says "romance" like a kidnapped, injured man! I'm not going anywhere with you!
Howard: Fine. I was going to let you go afterwards, send you home.
Vince: Just how do you think you were going to get me home?
Howard turns back, the half candle in his hand.
Howard: I find the fastest way to travel is by candlelight.
Vince, still sitting in his carter, spins around.
Vince: You have a Babylon candle?
Howard: Yes, a bubbling candle.
Vince: A Babylon candle.
Howard: That's what I said.
Vince (smirking): No, you said 'bubbling'.
--
A small cottage farm in the middle of the country. Old Gregg, a funky merman is outside seeing to his white goat, when suddenly Saboo is standing before him, looking very out of place in his fine clothes.
Saboo: I would like to buy your lovely goat for my chariot.
Gregg sees the metal chariot he has brought.
Gregg: Gregg thinks he's a bit small to pull your chariot, sir.
Saboo: You're right
He reaches out and touches Gregg's forehead and soon there is a brown-haired goat beside the white one.Saboo rides away from the cottage with two goats pulling his chariot. He looks down in horror at his arm, which as wrinkled from him using magic.
--
In Stormhold palace, Spider is standing by his father's coffin with the crown on a pillow atop it. The bishop/erotic adventurer of the most deranged kind, Kirk approaches.
Kirk: I should like to see you take the throne. the first benevolent king
Hitcher and Bainbridge enter from one side.
Kirk gestures to an aide who brings a tray with four cups of wine. Each man takes one.
Kirk (toasting the princes): To the new king of Stormhold, whichever of you fine fellows it might be.
They acknowledge him and sip their drinks. Then Kirk coughs, jerks, then begins to choke. Bainbridge furrows his brows and looks. Kirk jerks a little more, then collapses forward, dead. Spider chortles nervously as they eye each other suspiciously, then his eyes suddenly open wide, he chokes and falls forward, dead.
Bainbridge (to Hitcher): You...
He clutches throat and chokes, falls backward onto floor. The Hitcher smiles, incredulous and very pleased, and picks up the crown as if to put it on his head.
Bainbridge (suddenly breaks into laughter, sitting up): You really thought that you were king, you stupid ballbag?
Hitcher: You killed the bishop, ya slag.
Bainbridge stands up.
Bainbridge: No, I think you'll find that you killed the bishop - by drinking from the wrong cup! Oh, when you're done wrestling with your conscience, I suggest you return to your chamber. Leave the quest for the stone to me.
The Hticher leaves the palace city, driving a large carriage with luggage on top and four black stallions. All the ghosts are in the carriage asleep, except for the freaked-looking, now dead Spider. Bainbridge leaves the city on horseback, with five men.
--
Saboo drives up to Dennis, who is camping in front of her caravan. Dennis pretends to be a plain old man.
Saboo: Oh, I know what you are, and I swear by the magichood that binds us both… that I mean you no harm today. I just wish to share your meal.
Dennis turns Monkey back from being a bird just so she can pick up a stool, carry it to Saboo, and put it down.
Monkey: Will there be anything else?
Dennis: No.
He turns her back into a bird and whacks each end of the animal she's cooking.
Dennis: Heads or tails?
The two os them eat together.
Dennis: What are you doing out here?
Saboo: I seek to find a star, one has fallen nearby. Then I and my sisters shall cut out his heart while he lives and the glory of our youth shall be restored!
He pauses, realising he did not mean to say any of that, let alone all of it. He looks at his plate, realising what happened.
Saboo: Limbus grass! You dare steal truth from me by feeding me this animal cooked in limbus grass? Do you have any idea what a terrible mistake you have made, Head shaman Dennis?
Dennis: How do you know my... who are you?
Saboo: Look again.
Saboo glares and his entire face changes to a dark, horrible thing that thoroughly frightens Dennis, who kneels.
Dennis: I shall not seek the star, Dark Majesty, I swear.
Saboo: Seek it you wish, you will never find it.
His green fire spins from her finger and he casts a spell on Dennis.
Dennis: You shall not see the star, touch it, smell or hear. You will not see him even if he stands right before you. Pray you never meet me again, Head shaman Dennis.
Dennis is left a little dazed as Saboo's cart drives away, more wrinkles appearing on his arm from the magic used.
--
Howard and Vince are walking through the woods in the late morning. Howard is carrying his coat, while Vince limps a short distance behind him, linked by the silver chain and complaining.
Vince: You said you know where you're going, just because and I quote 'you do'
Howard: I do! I'm not sure why, maybe it's my love for Victoria guiding me home (looking at the evening star) you can see it even… by… day…
He trails off as he realises he can't see the star anymore. Vince rolls his eyes dramatically and goes to a tree, where he sits down.
Howard: What are you doing?
Vince: What's it look like I'm doing? I'm sitting down, I'm tired.
Howard: You can't sit down now. We agreed to stop at the next town for food and rest.
Vince: Come on, Howard. It's almost noon, I never stay up this late.
Howard: Alright, fine. You stay there and I'll go and find us soemthing to eat.
Howard walks around the tree, bringing the chain around to meet itself, where it links and attatches.
Vince: What are you doing?
Howard: What's it look like I'm doing? Making sure you don't escape.
Vince: Where to? It may have escaped your notice, but that's when stars have better things to be doing. You know, like coming out, shining, that sort of thing.
His moans were on deaf ears as Howard moves into the trees for food.
--
At south Stormhold by the sea, huge chunks of ice are on the shore. Bainbridge stands by the water and several of his men lead two soothesayers, Lance Dior and Harold Boom towards the prince.
Bainbridge: South you said, south we came. Do we now start swimming?
Lane: My lord, we only relayed what the runes have told us.
Bainbridge: Am I the seventh son?
Harold throws the runes. They land and four designs are facing up.
Harold: Yes.
Bainbridge: Another question. Is my favourite colour blue?
Lance throws the runes. They land and four designs are facing up again.
Lance: Yes.
Bainbridge: Has excessive begging or pleading ever persuaded me to spare the life of any traitors?
Harold throws the runes. They land and four blanks show this time.
Harold: No.
Bainbridge: Now, throw them high.
Lance does so. Before they land, Bainbridge asks:
Bainbridge: Do you work for my brother?
The runes fall and four designs show. He stabs both Lance and Harold, who fall dead. He picks up the runes...
Bainbridge: Do we continue west?
...and throws them up.
--
Where the shot switches to Saboo's black runes as they fall down into his hand. He examines them, clenches them in his fist and walks back to his chariot. The wind is streaming at his hat, as he rubs the ring on his finger and his image appears in a mirror at his home.
Antrax: You should avoid using magic, brother. You shouldn't even be using the ring as well, it's already beginning to show.
Saboo holds up his arms, each age-spotted.
Saboo: A goat and a small enchantment. Hardly powerful enough.
Ebola: You should be using your runes.
Saboo: I was, but now they're just telling me bullshit.
The sisters grumble and pull a crocodile from one cage. The slice it open and begin to read the entrails.
Antrax: That's because he's coming to you!
Ebola: Oh, but be warned, brother. His heart is dark with misery.
Antrax: You must set a trap, one that will warm his heart.
Night-time soon settled across Stromhold, Saboo stops at a crossroads and faces a large, empty streatch of land. He turns both her goats into people, Old Gregg back into himself and the white goat into a very simple-brained man. He then turns Gregg into a woman and turns the chariot into a large, two-storied inn. The three of them walk inside as Saboo's green fire swirls around, creating everything from chandeliers to chairs to a roaring fireplace. His clothes have changed to a plain, sensible brown waistcoat and trousers and turns to the others, first the goat and then the 'girl'.
Saboo: You are Billy the innkeeper. I am your business partner and you are our waitress. And now the trap is set.
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There we go, next chapter thank you to everyone who's put great reviews so far :) from chugirl2526.