Boosh-dust.
Summery- Stardust/Mighty Boosh crossover. Howard Thorn wishes to impress Victoria Gideon by going beyound their village wall to find a fallen star in a new magical world.
Disclaimer- I do not own the Boosh. I do not own Stardust either, nor the orginal book by Neil Gaiman.
Author's Notes- Noel was originally be in this film, but couldn't due to ill health :( so I'm putting him, well Vince in this now lol. This is also in script form. I also want to thank Buttonsmagoo, SparkieSteph, violence4, stars of andromeda, beechwood, rockchick and sassy-Saz, love you all Will be fluffy slash in this chapter :)
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Chapter Five- Confessions, Magic and Misunderstandings.
On a hill above the docked El Sonido Nuveo, Bainbridge and his men are on horseback.
Bainbridge: Remember, men, Captain Rudi has a fierce reputation.
In the Captain's cabin, a record of Santana is being turned on. Rudi is starting to have an 'accident' with his guitar, Miranda, while half naked below.
On the deck, Bainbridge's men have their swords out, towards the pirates, and Bainbridge himself backs into the captain's door.
The first mate eleganty twirls his hand and bows. In sync, the guards salute, pointing their swords forward, then drop them and bow. The crew attacks.
Bainbridge walks through the corridor and bursts into Rudi's room.
Out of sight, in his closet, Rudi is dressed once more with his purple robe. His lower half is covered with his guitar and his eyes are closed in ectasy.
Up on deck, the fight is vicious, while Bainbridge going around the corner to see Captain Rudi. For a few long moments he stares until Rudi looks up from his guitar and notises him.
Bainbridge: What the hell is this?
Rudi storms towards him, which would be intimidating if he wasn't wearing a guitar over his manhood..
Rudi: Who are you?
On deck, the pirates have won. In the cabin, Bainbridge has Rudi pinned to his own desk with a knife.
Bainbrdige: Alright, you intrumental rapist. Where's the young man?
The pirates arrive and Bainbridge dives out the window, hitting the water and swimming away.
Rudi sits miserably at his desk. His crew stand by, concerned.
First mate: Did he hurt you, Captain?
Rudi shakes his head.
Crewman: Then what's wrong?
Rudi: It's… my reputation.
The crew shake their heads and protest.
Old sailor: That's alright, Captain. We always knew you loved your guitar that way and you're looking for something.
The old sailor is shoved to the back.
Crewman: You're still our captain.
Heartened, Rudi shakes a first.
Rudi: Aaarg!
Crew (enthusiastically): Arrrg!
--
Howard and Vince are still walking, Vince is wearing Howard's coat over his cloak. They are chatting and happy.
Howard: You know you sort of glitter sometimes. Is that normal?
Vince (cheekily): Let's see if you can work it out for yourself. What do stars do?
Howard (smiling): Attract trouble?
Vince shoves him and he laughs as he stumbles back a bit.
Howard: All right, I'm sorry. Let me do another guess. Is it: Do they know exactly how to annoy a boy called Howard Thorn?
They laugh as they reach a marker stone saying Wall is twenty miles away.
Vince: How far is that?
Howard: About two days walk.
Vince: But Victoria's birthday is tomorrow.
Howard and Vince are hiding below the level of a road as Dennis's caravan comes by. Vince recognises him.
Vince: I know him, he was at the bargaining shop.
They decide to climb up and Dennis stops his caravan. Monkey is still a bird, tethered to a perch, but she can see and hear everything. Dennis, of course, cannot see Vince.
Howard: Excuse me sir, can we-
Dennis (pointing): That's my flower!
Howard looks at the crystal snowdrop tucked into his buttonhole.
Dennis: Eighteen years I've been missing that!
He gets down from his caravan.
Vince: It was a gift from his mother.
Howard: Since it's obviously valuable to you, you can have it. In exchange for safe passage to Wall.
Vince: And food and lodging-
Dennis interrupts, because he cannot hear Vince. Howard gives Dennis the flower and he practically sighs in relief.
Dennis: Do you have any idea what it is you just gave me?
Howard: Some kind of lucky charm?
Dennis: A very lucky charm. Exactly the sort of charm that would have prevented me from doing this.
Dennis suddenly jerks his hand forward and pokes Howard's forehead. A cloud of black smoke bursts out and suddenly on the ground where Howard stood is a small, rather adorable mouse. Dennis picks him up.
Dennis: I'll keep my promise, mind you.
Vince tries to attack Dennis, but his limbs cannot touch the witch. A barrier of green light stops him everytime.
We hear Saboo's voiceover: You will not see the star, hear it, touch it or smell it.
Dennis puts Howard in a small cage inside his caravan.
Dennis: Food and lodging, and I'll let you out when we reach Wall.
Vince is standing in the door.
Vince: Oi, you spanner. Can't you see or hear me?
Dennis ignores him.
Vince: I swear, if I don't get my Howard back I will be your own personal ghost!
They are driving and Vince is standing in the caravan, Howard in his cage, not acting particularly human.
Vince: Howard, if you can understand me, give me a sign.
Howard-the-mouse moves, but it seems he's only interested in the large hunk of cheese hanging behind him. Vince sighs and breaks off a piece, sitting by the cage and pushing it inside and Howard-the-mouse begins to nibble on it.
Vince: You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love, I mean I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars, all that pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional, but I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing. Well, what I'm trying to say, Howard is... I think I love you. Is this love, Howard? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you and if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.
Howard-the-mouse has been looking at her, but there is no sign that he understands.
--
At Market town, it is night-time. Dennis is driving his caravan through the cobblestone streets and stops near the pub, taking Howard from his cage. Vince keeps close by, as Dennisl puts him down and turns him back into a man.
Dennis: There you are. Mind, the head's usually a bit fuzzy after transformation.
Howard is standing unsteadily.
Howard: You…
He pulls out his sword but collapses. dennis laughs as Vince kneels by him.
Dennis: I warned you!
Dennis leaves, chuckling. Vince leans over Howard, he is dazed and squinting.
Vince: Howard?
Howard (confused): Victoria!
Vince's face falls.
Vince: I think I preferred "mother". Come on, Victoria's birthday's not until tomorrow and you need some sleep.
Vince supports him and they walk to The Slaughtered Prince.
Howard wakes on the bed in the inn. A screen seperates him from Vince, who is in the bath. He gets up quietly and opens a small window and looks through.
Howard: Excuse me. I think you're in my bath.
Vince (smiling): Close your eyes!
Howard backs away and chuckles, closing the window and turns around.
Howard: Honestly, I'm not looking. Here, I'll turn away.
Vince walks out wrapped in a towel, brushing his hair.
Vince: Okay, you can open them now.
There is a brief pause as Howard seems to muster up the nerve to ask Vince something.
Howard: Did you really mean what you said in the caravan?
Vince: But... you were a mouse! You were a mouse... you wanted cheese! You didn't... I asked you to give me a sign!
Vince has covered his mouth and nose with his hands, embarassed. Howard, amused, holds his shoulders.
Howard: And risk you being too embarrassed to keep saying lovely things to me?
Howard kisses his forehead.
Howard: You want to know what Rudi really whispered to me that day?
Vince nods.
Howard: He told me that my true love-
Vince begins to glow.
Howard: -was right in front of my eyes. And he was right.
They kiss hard and passionatly, before moving towards the bed.
--
Saboo is in the mirror again, talking to his sisters.
Ebola: Our star is heading towards Wall.
Saboo: Don't you understand? Wall is not part of our universe. If he passes the wall he'll become no more than a lump of metallic rock.
--
Morning came and Vince is asleep, glowing happily and curled in the sheets. Howard, in bed behind him, is still wearing his shirt and reaches back to pick up his small dagger. He cuts off a piece of Vince's hair and wraps it in a handkerchief.
When he is fully dressed, Howard goes downstairs. He wakes the innkeeper, who is sleeping on a couch.
Howard: May I have some paper and a pen?
Innkeeper: You may…if you come back and ask at a decent hour.
Howard: I'm sorry, it has to be now. If my friend wakes up before I get back, will you give him a message.
Innkeeper (tiredly): Alright.
Upstairs, Vince wakes slowly and happy.
Vince: You know, that's the first time I've slept through the night properly...
He rolls over to find Howard is gone. Vince appears downstairs, fully dressed, and approaches the innkeeper, who's much more awake now.
Vince: Have you seen my friend?
Innkeeper: He left absurdly early.
Vince (confused): He left?
Innkeeper: He told me to tell you he's gone to see Victoria. Because he's sorry, but he's found his true love, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.
Vince: What? Are you sure?
Innkeeper: I'm positive.
Vince is stunned and hurt and leaves the inn at a slow, mournful pace. Tears are running down his cheeks and he passes Dennis's caravan, where Monkey is setting up stall. She sees him and calls out, but Vince doesn't respond. He's heading out of Market Town, towards Wall. Monkey tries to follow, but the chain around her ankle keeps her from getting far from the caravan.
--
In Wall, Howard is walking towards Victoria's house. He picks up a pebble to throw, but instead knocks at the door. Victoria, in her nightgown, answers.
Howard: Happy birthday.
Gideon (impressed and shocked): Howard? What happened to you?
Howard: I found the star.
Gideon: I can't believe you did it (eagerly) Where's my star? Can I see it? Is it beautiful?
Howard: Yes.
He smiles and takes the handkerchief from his pocket. He gives it to her, but she looks unhappy.
Gideon: Well it's awfully small.
Howard: Well, that's just a little piece. A token for your birthday.
Victoria saunters closer, apparently deciding this dashing, questing Howard is more to her liking and she moves close to him.
Gideon: Well, then forget about the star. It's not the star that I want, you know what I want.
Howard holds her and Victoria leans back, waiting to be kissed. Howard leans close to her ear.
Howard: You want to grow up.
Victoria's eyes snap open in surprise and confusion.
Howard: And get over yourself.
Gideon: What?
He unceremoniously drops her and she plops on the ground. He straightens to see that Joey has just rounded the corner, a large red present in his hands, which he drops.
Joey: Howard Thorn. You must have a death wish.
He unsheaths his cane sword. Howard takes his saber and swings it, standing ready and confidant, with a much stronger blade.
Joey (shocked): …Oh.
Howard shakes his head and lowers the blade.
Howard: It's all right, Joey. You can have her, you really are a perfect couple. Congratulations and the best of luck to you both.
Victoria, unhappy, has unfolded the handkerchief.
Gideon: Well, why would I want this? Just a measly handful of Stardust.
She crumples it and throws it at Howard, who shakes it, glittering powder falls out. He's stunned.
Howard: Vince…
Victoria and Joey look at each other.
Howard: He can't cross the wall.
Howard takes off running.
--
Meanwhile, Monkey has locked a sleeping Dennis inside the caravan and drives it wildly through Market Town, rushing after Vince.
At the same time, Saboo in The Hitcher's carriage and Bainbridge on his horse are closing in.
Vince is wandering morosely towards the gap in the wall. Monkey arrives first and leaps from the caravan, pulling him back.
Monkey: You can't go through there, you'll die.
Dennis has emerged from the caravan in a very bad mood, as Saboo's carriage is approaching.
Dennis: Who're you talking to? Where have you taken me?
Saboo steps out, as Dennis grabs Monkey's wrist.
Saboo: Where is the star?
Dennis: My slave girl's no star.
Saboo turns on Dennis, attacking him with a huge whirlwind of green fire, which Dennis tries pitifully to repel. Monkey yanks Vince away to the safety of the wall and Naboo watches from the other side, shocked while smoking his hooka.
Dennis's head comes off and his body flails around, green flames atop the neck like a candle, his arms shaking, running into the wall beside Monkey and Vince and falling. It burns up, leaving nothing but an outline on the ground.
Monkey is holding Vince's arm protectively.
Monkey: He's not going anywhere with you.
Saboo twirls his finger and the enchanted chain wraps around both Monkey's and Vince's wrists. He walks to the carriage and opens the door.
Saboo: You can either ride in the carriage, or be dragged behind it.
Monkey warily leads Vince inside. Saboo slams the door and stops in shock as she sees her own reflection, he's almost as aged as before Vince landed. He gets on the carriage and they drive off.
In the carriage, Vince's head is tucked into Monkey's shoulder, crying. Monkey strokes his hair and tries to calm him down.
--
Howard finally arrives at the wall. Naboo is taking his small stool and hooka and scuttling away.
Tristan: What happened? I need to get through!
Naboo: After you mate! Eighty years I've stopped you lot from going in, when I should have been more worried about what was on the other side!
Howard finds the outline of Dennis's body and the caravan. He climbs in to find a mess and the glass snowdrop on the floor. He picks it up and places it in his buttonhole, then back outside he unhitches Dennis's brown horse and rides full gallop, following the carriage tracks.
--
I'm sorry for this bad news, but there will be only one chapter left after this one :( just when everyone was loving this cries oh well I hope you've all enjoyed this story so far :) from chugirl2526.