Bart

"oh ah Alex…. Hi…" The crowd around me had dramatically developed in the last 10 minutes but I didn't think Alex would show up in church. I thought she was an atheist or something, I mean she dresses like a whore.

"You can't do this shit on fanfic!!" She yells at me as I pull my pants up and Reverend Lovejoy does the same.

"I can do whatever I want; I don't care if I don't get any hits at all,"

"Yeah but it's a Simpson fanfic, your acting like its south park or something,"

"Who cares the author owns the Simpsons,"

"No he doesn't," Oh right I forgot he doesn't own the Simpsons and if he did then you wouldn't be reading this shit, you would be watching it on T.V at some ungodly hour.

"Well he owns fanfic at least right?" I sound confused but for good reasons I guess.

"No he doesn't fucking own that, he owns nothing," The author is a fucking loser, why can't he own fanfic or the Simpsons or at least a T.V.

"Ah anyways I got to go," I run out of the church in a brilliant speed, one that deserves a record, mainly cause I'm American and I'm not on steroids. I run to Milhouse's house and collapse on his bed, his eyes were glued on the computer where he was reading about erectile dysfunction.

"What's the matter Bart?"

"I had sex with Jessica and Reverend Lovejoy and Alex saw me,"

"You did what? Reverend Lovejoy? That's sick,"

"No, not like that… he was fucking Jessica so I joined in,"

"Reverend Lovejoy fucking his daughter? Isn't that some sort of sin?"

"Probably, not sure, I haven't actually read the entire bible,"

"oh well, I guess you will just have to settle for casual sex with a hot bitch instead of a meaningful relationship with a sexy bitch,"

"I guess so, but does this mean it was ok for Stalin to murder Germans after World War II because Hitler did it to them first."

"Yeah it was,"

"I wonder if there is a way to win Alex's heart,"

"Meaningful relationships suck anyways, I remember when me and Lisa had one when we were 17, I ended up losing my virginity in a threesome,"

"Hey I was involved in that,"

"And your penis in my ass felt right, that's the fucking problem,"

"Anyways I'm a guy; I don't need love, just an erection and a whore.

Reverend Lovejoy

"What do you mean you have taken my license away?"

"Well you where in a church having sex with your daughter and her friend," The Reverend King said to me as I was in a room filled with high priest.

"Yeah but Phil had sex with his son last week,"

"Yeah but you did it with your daughter!"

"What's the difference?"

"Phil's son has a penis," I didn't get why I was being judged for doing my daughter in a church, I mean just look at Satanist, incest is pretty much a daily ritual for those small breast, tiny penis bastards.

"But if I am not a reverend then what will I do?"

"You can be a prostitute for all I care," I wonder if a man in his 40s could be a prostitute and still earn a respectable earning.

"But I thought you guys would be kinder to one of your own," The group of priests laughed at my misery.

"Kinder to you? You got a hot little girl that doesn't ask for pay,"

"What?"

"Well I had sex with her last night and the price for her services was waived," Says the king of priests. How could such a sick minded person be in charge of such a large religion?

"Well, that's just plain sick,"

"You had sex with your daughter,"

"Oh well, I guess if I don't get to be a priest I could return to my old farm and sell bread to the poor children of the world,"

"And if that doesn't work out for you, self-mutilation and make-up" Maybe being an emo wouldn't be so bad. I would have to cut my penis off first but at least I could have an excuse for wearing make-up. I exit the building and leave for Springfield, the town of shattered dreams and cheap booze.

"Hey can I have a dollar please?" Asks a Hobo on the main street of Capital City.

"You're living in capital city and your poor?"

"All of the diplomatic bastards took my money," He picks up his violin and starts playing a song on it, something from shadow of the colossus. I grab his violin and smash it to pieces on the warm curb he is sleeping on.

"You're living in a cardboard box, if I gave you money what are you going to do with it? Buy a wooden box?" I hand the man his violin and started walking to the train station waiting for the first train of Springfield.

"Oh hey I'm Otto, how you fucking doing?" Otto the drugged homosexual walks next to me and takes a seat.

"Otto it's me, Reverend… oh wait… Tim Lovejoy,"

"Your names fucking lovejoy? How fucking retard is that?"

"Well you drive a school bus,"

"I also have a million fucking dollars and 3 bloody girlfriends that give me a blow job for free," I have no idea what he is talking about.

"Tim, you must find a way to help Bart," He changed for annoying drugged asshole to sexy intelligent man very quickly.

"?" I don't know how it was logically possible to say a question mark sign but I did it baby, that's how I roll Homie.

"Woah dude I must be wasted, anyways Bart needs your help, change his life and help him come out of his dark days,"

"Why?"

"Just do it man,"

"But why?"

"I don't write this shit okay?"

"Bart is unworthy of my help,"

"True dude but you got to do it,"

"I don't understand why though,"

"Cause if you don't I'll cut your diddle stick in half,"

"Ok, ok, I'll help the son of a bitch.