"But why does she need to see a psychiatrist?" Dad said louder than I think he intended to. Which made my eavesdropping much easier. (I know in the last chapter I said she was a psychologist… but I meant this)
"This wasn't my idea Kevin, it was Dr. Thomas's. I just agreed, so does Savannah…"
"She's fifteen-years-old. How can she possibly know what's good for her?!" I recognized the phrase that mom used in the doctor's office.
"Kevin, you have barely spoken to her in the last month. Ever since you found out she was pregnant, you talk around her, you ask Jenny and Austin to ask her to do things. This is like when Simon and I would fight, and we'd ask someone to ask each other for something at the dinner table. You're not her brother; you're her father! And that is something she needs right now!"
"What would you like me to do? Go up there, and just forget all that's happened? I'm not like you Luce; I just can't forgive and forget… She's been lying to us for months, maybe longer, now, about ten years too soon, she's going to become a single mother, and we're going to become grandparents. I can't forgive her, not now anyway… I do love her, but now… just let me work this out on my own…"
They stopped talking. I could only assume that they were hugging. I sat there, thinking about what dad just said it's true, I've given them no reason to trust me. But I don't even know how to explain this to them… maybe aunt Ruthie will be able to help me.
My "session" with aunt Ruthie's today. I reluctant to go… but I know I need to. Mom keeps on putting her
"happy-wife-mother-nothing's going wrong in my life face."
"Savannah come on! We're going to be late if we don't leave in the next 30 seconds!"
I was in the bathroom, dealing with my newly found morning sickness. I swear, the second I knew I was pregnant, I couldn't keep anything down. Every morning for the past 3 weeks, it's been Porcelain City.
"You really think that 30 seconds is going to make a difference?!" I yelled from the bathroom.
"Come on, Ruthie's waiting for you," she yelled.
I squeezed into my favorite pair of jean shorts, which were getting almost too tight to wear.
"Fine! I'm coming!"
"Vannah…?" Jenny asked. I remembered that she's only 6, and she has no idea what's going on. "Why have you been sick?"
"Well…"
"Savannah!" mom yelled again.
"Okay! I'm coming!" I yelled, then turned to Jenny, "I tell you when I get home, okay?"
"Kay…"
I grabbed my purse, and headed downstairs. Austin sat on the couch, watching TV or playing a game. Dad, like how he had been for the past couple of weeks, was out of sight. I waved bye to Austin, and yelled it, hoping that Dad would hear me. No response. I wasn't surprised, I just wanted him to talk to me.
Mom had become very excepting of the fact that I was pregnant. I was just at twelve weeks, and had nothing more than a tiny bump to show for it. If anything I looked like I had gained weight just in my face. Even if someone knew I was pregnant, they still wouldn't be able to tell.
"Does she know?" I asked mom as we pulled up to Aunt Ruthie's office. Ruthie married Uncle Martin four years after she graduated high school. She took a year and a half off to go back to Scotland, which she loves telling people. She took some courses there, which some how, transferred and kept her only a semester behind in college. She moved back to Glen Oak, unaware that Uncle Martin had also moved back there to attend college, after learning that Aaron was Uncle Simon's and not his. Grandma brought them back together and they've inseparable ever since. I was the flower girl and Uncle Matt's twin boys were the ring-bearers. And just two years ago, they had their first child, Jacob.
"No," she said quietly, "I didn't tell her. All I told her is that you needed someone to talk to, it was important, and to just be prepared."
"So she knows I'm going to reveal something huge to her, but doesn't know what it is?" I asked as she checked me in and we sat down, "Does anyone else know? Grandma, Grandma Kenkirk, Matt, Mary, Simon? Do any of them know?"
She shook her head. I was relieved, but I was also mad, if none of them knew, it was either because Mom was too embarrassed or I was going to have to tell each and every one of them face to face.
"You can tell Grandma and Grandma Kenkirk…" I said looking up from my magazine. "If you want… I don't know if I have the guts to tell either of them."
"Oh… all right…" she said confusedly. "Do you want me to tell them, because I think they would both rather hear it from you and not me. But…"
"I already have to tell every Aunt, Uncle and Cousin… please mom… I'll tell them anything they want to know, but please, please, don't make me tell them"
"Okay, I'll tell them." I knew she was aggravated, she didn't want to tell them any more than I did. I was the oldest of the grandchildren, and the others were supposed to follow my example. Some example…
"She'll see you know…" a receptionist from behind a desk said. For a moment I thought I was here to just see a psychologist, not my aunt.
Aunt Ruthie was waiting for me at the end of the hallway. As I got closer, her smile dimmed, she could tell, and I knew it. I didn't even think I was that big, but apparently to someone I haven't seen in a while, it was very obvious I was pregnant.
She hugged me, and closed the door behind me.
"Savannah, it's been so long, what…five, six months now? I guess I haven't seen you since Austin's birthday party back in October." The weird thing is that we don't even live very far away from each other.
"Yeah, it's been awhile."
"Now, your mom says you need to talk to someone, since I am a psychiatrist, talk away!" she said with a laugh.
I didn't know where to start. Should I assume that she can see that I'm pregnant? I think she could see the panic and confusion on my face, so she, thank God, started the conversation.
"Well, how's school been?"
"You know, it's school," I said lightly.
"I loved being in high school. I watched Matt, Mary, your mom, and Simon, go through it and I couldn't wait for it! I have to admit I couldn't wait for the drama that was going to come with high school. Mary got suspended, not that I wanted to get suspended. When she got back on the basketball court after the doctors told her she was never going to play basketball again. Matt and all his girlfriends. Your mom and her boyfriends. Simon had a dating service in his sophomore year, did anyone ever tell you that?"
"Simon had a dating service? Girls paid him to date them for a week or something?"
"Pretty much, he would escort them to big dinners, dances, family get-togethers, whatever they wanted. And then… one of the girls that he dated turned up pregnant the next year."
"Wait… I thought Simon and Sandy didn't meet-"
"Oh no, this wasn't Sandy. The girl hid her pregnancy from everyone, but according to one of Simon's friends, everyone knew. But she did, somehow, conceal it from her family. Simon helped deliver her baby, and then took it to the hospital, because the girl couldn't keep it."
"How could she just not keep it?!" I said, raising my voice, "how could she just let a life grow in her, and then just, give it away like it was nothing. I can't believe he agreed to help her!"
"What would you have done?"
"I don't know. I would've told the father. My parents!"
"Simon was so guilt-stricken those following weeks. He didn't want the girl to do it, but know if her didn't help her, that she might've done something worse."
"What about the father of the baby? Didn't he have the right to know? He could've helped her."
"Can he help you?" she said as though this were her plan the entire time.
"What?" I was caught off-guard.
"Could the father of your baby help you? Financially? Emotionally? Does he even love you? More importantly Savannah, does he know that you're going to be having his baby?"
"I don't know. I don't know. I can't tell him."
"Why can't tell him? Do your parents know who he is?"
I shrugged.
"Would he want to meet them?"
I shrugged again, more angrily this time.
"Does he even want to be involved in his child's life?"
"I don't know!"
"Will you tell me who he is?"
"I can't…" I said quietly.
"Why can't you tell me?"
"I just can't… please, don't push the subject."
"Savannah, please, just tell me his name."
I shook my head. She was going to make me admit the one thing I didn't want anyone to know.
"Is he someone that shouldn't be the father? A teacher? A boss? Was is someone you trusted, and they took advantage of you?"
I felt like a cop was interrogating me. That they were trying to get the name of a rapist for a rape that wasn't committed. I could practically see the detectives on one side of the two-way mirror looking in on me. Waiting for me to blurt out the truth.
"No! No! No! He's not one of my teachers, he's not my old boss, and it's not a family member that I trusted. I wasn't raped! No one seems to believe me. They can't believe that I got myself into this situation. You want to know why I can't tell you his name?"
"Yes." She said firmly.
"Are you really sure you want to know?"
She nodded her head.
"I can't tell you his name because I'm not even sure who he is."
"Savannah…"
"No, everyone wants the truth, so here it is!" I couldn't control myself. I had never raised my voice to an adult before, and it just got louder and louder. "The father of my baby could be one of three guys. One whom I know very well, and the others, let's just say… I don't know a whole lot more than their first names. If they even were their real names, I wouldn't even know where to find them."
"Savannah… you've been partying… hooking up?" I nodded my head. "Why?"
"I don't know… first it was just to escape. I was tired of being 'Pastor Lucy Kenkirk's daughter.' Everyone thought I was a goodie-two-shoes, and I was tired of it. I've been wasted every weekend since the beginning of the school year. I stopped the minute I suspected I was pregnant."
"But Savannah, what about STD's? AIDS?"
"Everyone took precautions…"
"Then how do you explain this?" she said indicating my stomach.
"Most of the time. I didn't have unprotected sex all the time. Only twice."
"Savannah, all those boys did was take advantage of a fourteen-year-old girl. If any of those boys were over the age of 18…"
"I consented. I won't file lawsuits. I was practically begging each and everyone of those boys, at first they told me I was to young, I told them nothing would happen to them."
"I don't understand Savannah… you've always been so good."
"Exactly. I needed to rebel. I regret it. I won't stop beating myself up for what I've done to myself, and the pain I'm going to cause our family. I regret it, but I'm not sorry. If I didn't do what I did, then I wouldn't have this life growing in me now."
"But what about your mom and dad? How did they take it when you told them?"
"I didn't so much tell them, as, they found out on accident." She gave me a confused look. "I left the test in the trash. Dad found it, assumed mom was pregnant, and when she told him it wasn't hers, they put it together."
"But Lucy is here now. She seems very happywell, anxious about it. What about your dad?"
"He hasn't spoken to me in almost a month. He told me when he 'finds out who did this to me he was going to make him do the right thing. And if he refused and he's older, he's going to press charges.' But I can't tell him that I don't know who the father is. Mom doesn't even know. They both think it's this guy that I always hang around with."
"Well, why did you tell them that he was the father, if you don't know who he is?"
"I panicked. I was more afraid of what would happen if I didn't have name, then if I just blurted one out."
For the first time in a month I felt relieved. I had finally told someone the truth.
"If you don't mind, I just have one more question. Okay?" I nodded my head. I had a feeling I knew exactly what this question was going to be. But I still didn't want her to ask it. "Why did you start partying and hooking up?"
"I wanted to feel like someone wanted me, and that someone loved me. I didn't do it just because I enjoyed what I was doing. I did it, because I loved feeling like someone actually cared about me."
The hour was up. I was glad that I opened up to Ruthie. Now all I had to do was find an easier way to break it to the rest of the family. And Tim, Tim actually could be the father, and I want him to be the father. None of those other guys would be able to handle it.
"Ready?" Mom said as I walked back into the waiting area. I nodded my head. "How was it? Did you get anything off your chest?"
"Yeah, and mom," I said as walked into the parking lot, "I need to tell you someone of the stuff that I told her."
"Oh, okay…" she said nervously.