She's Not There
By M. Willow
Chapter Five
He shouldn't have done it. And for the life of him, he couldn't figure out why he'd done it. Making love to Susan had been a mistake. She was vulnerable, and he had been thinking with the wrong head. But the sex had been spectacular. He could still taste her, remembering every moment of their lovemaking.
Susan was an inexperienced lover which made him feel like a world class heel. He'd clearly crossed the line. Taken advantage of an innocent girl. Yes, she'd asked him to make love to her, but he didn't have to go along with it. He should have said no. Realized that she was just reaching out to the first person who had shown her some kindness. But, no, he had allowed himself to sink into a fantasy world. A world where Jenny was still alive.
He liked Susan, but he had slept with Jenny last night. In fact, the whole time they were making love, he kept remembering the beautiful redhead. Susan was nothing like her in bed. She was kind and giving, but inexperienced. And then, when it was over, she had apologized for not knowing what to do, admiting that she'd been with only one man in her life. He couldn't go any lower, or so he thought. But then, that too had been a lie, because while Susan slept, he felt like someone was walking over his grave and had become so panicked that he ran out of the apartment, taking only a few minutes to scrawl a note with shaking hands.
It had all started as Susan slept. They were both nude, curled against each other in bed. He'd decided to get up and take a quick bathroom break. It was then that he really took a look at her. She was younger than Jenny would have been by at least ten years, but that made it even more eerie since she looked so much like her. It was just the dark hair that was different. Jenny had red hair, but it was just as curly as Susan's.
For what seemed like hours, he sat staring at her, feeling the growing dread that crept over him. He'd gotten up and kneeled next to the bed, staring at the upturned nose, the way her face relaxed in deep sleep. One time she'd moaned as if they were still locked in the throes of passion and he realized it hadn't been Susan's voice at all. It sounded almost identical to Jenny's voice. That's when he bolted. He'd driven through the streets like a madman, his pulse beating frantically, a fear so profound that it was nearly blinding. Somehow he found himself in front of Hutch's door. He'd been afraid to go there. Afraid his partner would see how spooked he was. But he had nowhere else to go.
He was sorry that he couldn't tell Hutch the truth, but he had no choice. He was the cause of a woman's death. It had made him into the man he was: the cop who always sought what was right. But he had once been a monster.
Now, he sat at his desk pretending everything was alright. Meanwhile, a shattered girl was probably home crying, wondering how he could make love to her one moment, then leave as if she were no more than a hired whore the next.
He looked at his partner. Hutch had been watching surretipuosly, pretending to read everytime he looked his way. The blond hadn't asked him anything since last night, but he was waiting.
"Starsk, you need anything?"
"No, Hutch. I'm fine."
But he wasn't fine. And Hutch knew it. Knew it because they were soul bonded. And what happened to one, happened to the other.
The blond frowned, dropping his head for an instant, then speaking low, "I'm still here, partner. Not going anywhere."
Starsky swallowed hard. He didn't want to break down in the middle of the squad room, but felt hot tears threatening. He was worse off then he could ever imagine.
"Just never leave, okay." He tried to smile. It didn't quite work.
Just then the door opened. What Starsky saw made his blood run cold.
TBC