She's Not There
By M. Willow
Chapter Six
Hutch looked up when the beautiful woman walked through the door. Just as quickly he heard a sharp intake of breath and looked at his partner. Starsky was pale, his body literally shaking, his eyes following the woman as she walked toward them.
She wore her hair free, flowing down her back in a mass of curls. Her features were delicate, the eyes golden. Hutch couldn't believe it was Susan Shepard.
Starsky jumped up from his chair and just stood there, eyes wide with terror.
Susan was carrying a picnic basket which she sat on the desk. "I thought we could have a picnic," she said, smiling broadly. "So I decided to stop by and pick you up." She fingered her hair. "How do you like my new hairdo by the way?" I had it done this morning. Always wanted to be a redhead."
Hutch moved around the desk, coming to stand next to Starsky. The brunet was holding on to the edge of the desk, his knuckles white. He didn't say anything, just stared.
Susan leaned across the desk, smiling seductively. "You do like redheads, don't you? I would be so upset if I did all of this for nothing."
"Hutch!" It was barely a whisper, but enough to get Hutch moving.
Dobey was coming out of his office. Hutch grabbed the brunet's arm and headed in that direction. He was nearly there when Starsky literally went limp. It was all Hutch could do to keep him from falling to the floor, but he grabbed the brunet around the waist and continued on his way.
By now every detective in the room was headed in their direction, but there was only one person that concerned Hutch. He could literally feel her presence; smell her perfume as she followed them into the office.
Hutch managed to get Starsky inside and seated in a chair. By now, he was coming around, looking at him with confused eyes. Susan stood in back of the brunet so he couldn't see her. But Hutch did. He saw the expression on her face, felt her hatred reaching across at him. Dobey was standing next to the water cooler so he couldn't see any of this.
"What's wrong with him? Can I help?" Susan asked.
And Hutch could have sworn her voice was different. But he didn't have time. Didn't have time to figure out what the hell she was up to. Didn't have time to find out why she was in his partner's life.
"Get out!" he said, his voice low, dangerous. "Get out!" he said even louder.
It should have sent ice through her veins. Hutch knew that. He'd used that tone to scare the toughest criminal, but Susan just stood there, eyes narrowed. He didn't sense any fear in her. It was an internal battle of wills, two predators facing each other down. And then she turned and left the room.
Hutch took a deep breath, steadying himself. He felt like he had just looked into the eyes of the devil. "Cap'n, think I can be alone with Starsky for a minute?
Dobey looked uncertain. "You sure, son? He looks pretty…pretty shaken up." Dobey's voice was low, full of concern.
"I'm sure. I'll talk to him."
"You do that." Dobey headed for the door. "And tell me if you need anything. Got that?"
Hutch nodded and Dobey walked out the door, closing it quietly behind him.
Hutch crouched down in front of his partner. Starsky had slumped over, head in his hands. "You okay, Starsky?"
"Don't leave," was all Starsky managed to say.
"Not going anywhere, buddy" Hutch patted the distraught man on his back.
Starsky's body still shook, but he was breathing normally. Finally he spoke, "Sorry, Hutch. Don't know what happened back there."
"Don't…" Hutch began, knowing his partner was trying to avoid telling him what was going on.
"Would tell ya if I understood."
"Let me in. Tell me what's going on with you."
They were using their shorthand way of speaking. It drove people nuts when they did it since no one else could understand them. Frankly, they had spent a few months in the early stages of their career trying to understand it themselves. Eventually, they just accepted the unusual connection. Now they could speak without words or half sentences like they were doing now.
"Not ready," Starsky said.
"Since when have you needed to be ready to talk to me?"
Starsky looked at him. "'M ashamed."
"No secrets. Remember. Not between us."
"Ain't never gonna be any. But I need time on this one. I need to sort it out."
"I want Susan out of your apartment."
The brunet tensed. "No. She can't…leave. I need her, Hutch."
"What is it about her? Why do you need her?"
Starsky shook his head. Hutch was still kneeling in front of him so he could see the emotions play across his partner's face. "Tell me."
"Not her fault. I took advantage….I shouldn't have….I shouldn't have done it. It's why she came in here lookin' like that. I fucked up, ya get it."
Hutch rubbed the line between his eyes. "No. I don't get it. You need to tell me so I can help."
Starsky rose from his chair so quickly Hutch almost fell over.
"I took advantage of her. Treated her like dirt…that's the kind of man I am. That's the kind of man you have as a partner."
Hutch grabbed Starsky's shoulders. "You know that's not true. I don't know what's going on between you and Susan, but I do know the kind of man you are."
Starsky leveled his eyes on him. "You think so? You really think you know me?"
"Of course I do."
"Well you don't know shit." And Starsky bolted for the door, slamming it after him.
--
Starsky was lost in the past. After he had left Parker Center on the day Susan became a redhead, he'd decided to tell her the truth. She deserved to know about Jenny.
Over soft music and a picnic lunch, Starsky told Susan about the woman she resembled. She listened as he told her how much he loved Jenny and how much she reminded him of her. He told her that Jenny was dead, but didn't explain how she died. At the end, he was surprised when Susan broke down in tears and cried like she had known the woman who haunted his life. She told him that it didn't matter that she reminded him of Jenny and that she was willing to be whomever he needed. Starsky felt confused, yet oddly relieved.
Dobey had given him a few days off after his breakdown at the station, so Starsky asked the captain if he could stay at his cabin and took Susan there. It wasn't his favorite place in the world, but he needed the sense of peace the cabin provided and he needed to be alone with Susan.
It was as if he'd entered another world. A world where nothing mattered but the feel of her skin, her soft green-gold eyes, and the hours spent making love to her. He was teetering dangerously close to insanity and a part of him wanted to seek help, but he would take one look at her and all thoughts would desert him. She took away his guilt, brought Jenny back to life. And so the great lie continued.
After a few days he returned to work a new man. He was no longer haunted by the past. No longer heard Jenny's screams as he slept. He wanted to let Hutch know he was finally free. That he was happy now, but it would have been a lie, because nightly he returned home to a woman who didn't exist. Susan didn't stop him when he accidentally called her Jenny. She relished in the role, somehow taking on the dead woman's mannerisms and voice. There was something sick about the whole thing.
Meanwhile, his partner called nightly. For the most part, Starsky had cut him out of his life. They saw each other only at work and occasionally for dinner. But he didn't invite him home. He needed to keep that part of his life separate. It wasn't that he didn't trust his partner. It was just that if Hutch saw, he would insist that he get help. He wouldn't just sit there and watch him descend into madness without a fight.
But sometimes at night, when he managed to pull himself from their bed, he would have a moment of clarity. Know that what he was doing was wrong. He would pick up the phone with the intentions of calling Hutch. Then he would picture his friend's face; imagine the rejection, the shock. He would remember a time when he didn't have Hutch in his life. A time when Kira had destroyed everything that was important to him, and he would hang up the phone and sit in the dark and cry.
He felt so alone.
But one night, when he had reached the lowest depths of despair, he made his way to the window and stared out at an old battered car. It was late and the moon shone on the unmistakable presence of his partner. The blond lay with his head against the window, but Starsky knew his partner was only partially asleep. He figured the blond spent many nights there, always watching, worried about him. He was never alone.
Yet, clarity was fleeting. When the doors were closed, the lights dimmed, when he held Susan in his arms, listened to her sweet voice, he became lost in sensation. She was Jenny and he no longer a monster.
TBC