Chapter Four

Staring at the clothes in front of him, the Doctor wondered if it would be appropriate to cry. There was entirely too much pink. Even Rose didn't have this much of this colour, preferring the deeper colour of purple to the shocking brightness of pink.

He searched through the clothes and begun picking out anything that wasn't hurtful to the eyes. He had enough of wearing clothes like that in his sixth form. Though he had been rather fond of that ensemble while he had been wearing it.

There were a few of the horrid colour he picked out, dulled by wear and washing, but at least he wouldn't feel like he was blinding people in his way with them on. Mainly though, he found a few purples and blues. A little green even, though why he didn't know, and he grabbed them.

Jeans, low riding on the hips were alright, though he wondered briefly if he was going to go around showing off the underwear Jackie had in her collection.

He felt like an old peeping tom right now, going through undies and bras and wondering which ones he should take with him. But Jackie had shown him where everything was and told him to pick out what he wanted. It was odd, Jackie allowing him to go rifling through her personal things, even if it would be him who was going to be wearing them.

He needed to stop thinking. His thoughts were turning in directions he really didn't want to go. He left the personal things alone for the time being, instead going through the pyjamas trying to find something he wouldn't mind sleeping in.

He found a pair of off white track suit pants, a few shirts with obvious sleep wear patterns on them, and a rather comfortable looking fluffy jumper for when it got cold at nights. He soon found the pants to match the shirts, and packed them in the bag which had the day wear he had picked out already bundled neatly inside.

He was about to get on to the underwear again when his stomach chose the time to announce that he had missed out on lunch. He closed his eyes and let out his breath in a rush. Humans! They had to eat so much more than he had to, and sleep more, and got out of breath much faster, and were all full of annoying feelings and body reactions he really wasn't ready for.

He felt tears prick at his eyes and growled. Jackie was way too emotional for his comfort. Why couldn't he do what she did and just turn everything into anger and slap himself for putting them through this mess. Now that would be like the Jackie he knew.

A knock at the door and he turned around to stare at the wall instead of Rose, who walked quietly into the room. "Doctor? There's some sandwiches out here for you. Since we decided to stay moving rather than eat on the TARDIS, you know. You've got to be hungry."

"Yeah," he replied, slipping past her and out of the room, going towards the kitchen where Jackie was busy munching on a sandwich of her own.

After the breakfast she had eaten, he knew she wasn't hungry. She was eating out of habit. "Don't eat if you're not hungry Jackie."

She looked at him and frowned. "It's lunchtime, and one single sandwich won't hurt."

He shook his head, helped himself to two cheese and tomato sandwiches, and slowly ate. Once he wasn't hungry any more, he couldn't help the huge yawn that passed his lips. He blinked a few times, felt the utter frustration of the day get the better of him and the body took over.

He burst into tears.

Noisy, wet, embarrassing tears that didn't really make him feel any better at all. It didn't help that Jackie was blinking at him like he had completely lost his mind, or that Rose was on him, trying to ask what was wrong and what she could do.

He blushed bright red when he calmed down, looking at the floor and sniffling.

"Doctor? What happened?" Rose asked, still holding his arms tightly in a grip which was supposed to help settle him down.

He glared in Jackie's direction. "I'm tired from lugging you around, you're eating when it isn't necessary, I have no idea of what it's like to be human, and your stupid body has an automatic timer on it."

Jackie did more blinking. "Automatic timer?"

"It's been a shocking day Jackie, and more than a little frustrating. The automatic reflex you have to deal with stuff like this is to cry. I'm currently in your body, which now makes it my reflex. And don't tell me you aren't feeling it."

Rose sighed heavily and walked out of the flat, leaving them two at it more than likely. If they were going to live like this for any number of days, then the best thing to do was to warn the other about things like this.

Jackie fiddled with the table cloth, before folding her arms across her chest. It was a defensive move he automatically did when he felt threatened. Oh yes, she was definitely feeling the same as him right now.

"You'd rather hide. Or run. You're so defensive and afraid to feel things."

And the insufferable woman hit the proverbial nail right on its head. Because it was true. It hadn't always been true, well, he did have a nasty habit of running, but he hadn't always felt the need to hide. And both those reflexes were much stronger than before in his newest incarnation. It probably had something to do with trying to avoid the giant black hole in his head where his people used to be.

"Maybe I have a reason to Jackie. If you're lucky, you'll never find out why. Tell me if you have nightmares. Really, tell me. I want to hear someone try to explain what they see, feel, and then you can tell me why it is I run and hide and hate..."

She looked at him with his own eyes and it made him feel uncomfortable. It wasn't the first time he had looked at a version of himself in person, and probably wouldn't be the last, but it was by far the most troubling. "I don't know about hate, but you are angry. I can feel that. I also feel afraid that if I let go of that then it will destroy. Dunno what it'll destroy, but it will. So destructive...you're dangerous."

He closed his eyes and let his head fall to the table. "My mind has an automatic lock on it to stop people from entering it easily if they take possession of me, or my mind. That doesn't stop you from feeling. And my emotions aren't exactly...stable."

She snorted and shrugged her shoulders. "I can tell that. It's like a switch has been thrown though, in your mind, I wouldn't know how to go wandering about and looking around even if I wanted to. You're so full of conflicting emotions that you're like...lost in them."

He let out a small laugh that had nothing whatsoever to have to do with humour. "Oh, very good. It's so...nice to have someone know how I feel. Fantastic! And you're automatically shying away from them, which is better yet."

It was wrong of him, so utterly wrong, but he wished then that she did have his memories. Because then she would fully understand what he felt, instead of feeling just a jumble of emotions she couldn't work through. And even then she would still be stuck in the limbo he was.

"You really need to learn to understand your emotions, 'cause I haven't felt this mucked up in the head since Pete died."

He rubbed at his eyes which were achy and tired. "Maybe that's because I'm grieving Jackie. Memory along with the emotion is terrible. Don't only tell me if you have nightmares. Tell me if you start feeling self destructive."

Jackie took in a deep breath and gulped. "Do I want to know? Oh, god, please don't tell me that means what I think it does."

He grinned at her, and it wasn't pretty. "I've tried a few times, someone always seems to be around to stop me at the last minute, even in buildings that are supposed to be empty. If I hadn't picked up another signal when I met Rose, I would have stayed in that building while it exploded. Seemed a fitting end, to die like everyone else did."

"Why didn't you? Stay in there I mean? Sod the bloody signal, and end it if life's that bad?"

He shrugged. "Because I knew there was a chance that the signal would lock onto Rose and go after her, and she...I couldn't allow that to happen."

She raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

He shrugged. "Because she was the first person I reached out to touch after..." he trailed off, and looked at her closely. "Do you feel it? Like there is some huge chunk of yourself that is missing? You know something is supposed to be there but it is empty?"

Frowning, Jackie concentrated for a few minutes, before sighing. "A bit. Yeah. I wondered about that. Goes with having a ship in your head and feeling this constant bloody spinning. I thought it was normal."

"It will be from now on. Constant emptiness. Loneliness. It's like the human equivalent of having Alzheimer's, except without the forgetting. I wish I could forget."

"What happened?"

He looked at her and let out a long drawn sigh, because regardless of whether or not she had his memories of the actual events, she did have a right to know if she would be dealing with his mucked up emotions, though she did seem to be handling it alright. She had been genuinely smiling, something he hadn't done in a long time.

"My race was telepathic. And we all were...joined you might say through a link, much like the one I have with the TARDIS. I kept it closed so I didn't pick up on anything or told them anything, but it was still there full and living in my head."

Jackie looked at him with confusion and sighed. "They're all gone. I'm the only one left. A split second left me completely alone. No home, no planet, no people, nothing but the TARDIS."

And now he could see the look of horror on the face looking back at him. It was completely sympathetic, bordering on empathic. He grinned at her again. "The one person in the entire universe I have managed to even try to make friends with and all you do is try to push us apart. I know Rose is important to you Jackie. She's your daughter, and that makes her one of the most important people in your life. I understand that Jackie, because I had a family. A wife, children, grandchildren even. And they're all dead. All gone. I have no one. You have other family, and friends, and humans as a whole."

He closed his eyes, only now feeling the tears that had begun slowly running down his cheeks and shook his head. "I think there is some kind of overlap here. We still feel our own emotions stronger than the body's own ones. I think we'll keep our own memories, but the overlap might fade given time, and then you'll know. Because there is no way you are feeling the full impact here."

He swiped at his eyes, but didn't seem to be able to stop the slow, steady flow of tears. And it felt odd, because he knew that it wasn't the body this time. It was him. When he realised that, he didn't bother stopping it, because it was something he needed. Maybe that was the reason why this time he didn't feel embarrassed over it, and it felt good.

Even with the overlap in place, his feelings were not anything as intense as they were in his own body. It was giving him a way to sort things out, pick out an emotion and do something about it, and right now the sadness was top of the list. Maybe it would stay in place. He hoped so, because this was something he had needed. A break from his own torment.

Jackie looked lost in thought. Maybe she was trying to access his memories, but was finding that harder than she had thought it would, but either way, he got up, deciding that he needed to finish packing. He could leave Jackie to her own thoughts for a while.

He never managed to pick out the underwear that day. Instead he crawled onto Jackie's bed, closed his eyes and fell into an exhausted sleep.

Lixan, Rose decided, was just as beautiful and wild as the last time they had been there, but she knew that the trip would be a short one. One scan for alien tech and it revealed nothing at all but what they had brought with them. Hell, her mobile phone had shown up as alien tech. Well, considering the place they were wasn't Earth, sure, it was, but usually it didn't include phones, because they were normal in a lot of places past her own time.

It seemed that the idea was to be found in a lot of areas, and planets, then just her own, which was good. It meant a little slice of home, no matter how much it might change, always stayed the same.

Her mum seemed to be doing much better on this planet, smiling and walking in the tall grass, green like she was used to, and running her hands through it. "Wow! This place is gorgeous," Jackie stated out loudly, giving in to the sudden urge to run to a tree not too far away and climb it to see how far out she could scope.

Rose laughed. "Oh yeah, she definitely is in you, if there was any mistake before," she stated to the Doctor who was walking slowly out of the TARDIS and into the open, after having done a quick pick of some of the local flora to see if there was any kind of chemical inside them that could have done this.

He looked over to where Jackie was looking out and around from the highest branch she could get to and snorted. "Just as long as she doesn't break anything falling out of the tree. I'm allergic to your human pain meds."

Smiling, Rose shook her head. "I meant that she's got your energy. Running all over the place she is. Climbing trees. I don't think mum's climbed a tree in her life."

"Well," the Doctor stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "She sees a tree and climbs it. Not used to trees in London."

Giggling, Rose ran over to the tree too, looking around at the branches to spot any likely to get her up to where her mum currently was. "Mum! The Doctor says he's allergic to pain meds and not to fall out." She found a branch and climbed up, soon joining her mum at looking around them.

"This is wonderful. I like this place a lot more than the last one," Jackie stated, hugging Rose close to her with one arm, the other used to keep hold of another part of the tree.

Leaning against a familiar shoulder, she smiled and looked out, noticing that the sun was making the mountains off in the distance shine. There must be snow on their peaks. Somehow even the Doctor managed to fit on the same branch and joined them. It hadn't looked this big from the distance they had started at.

"Trees are a lot bigger up close," she said like as if it was the most obscure thing in the universe.

"Usually are Rose," the Doctor replied, breathing a little heavily, but smiling happily out at the view they had.

"Found anything?" Jackie asked, lazy and leaning back against the thick trunk, but not letting go of the branch that they were on, just in case she did fall.

"Got a sample running through the TARDIS's data banks. If it comes up with anything, we should know by the time we get back to the TARDIS."

While they were there for a specific reason, it didn't really seem to matter right then. She had her mum, she had her Doctor, and she had a wonderful view and no fighting. They stayed there for the rest of the day, watching as herds of animals that looked like alien versions of things that might be found on earth wandered by, some of them stopping to sniff at the tree for its leaves, some for its bark, and on one memorable occasion, at them.

As they watched the sun set below the mountains on the distant horizon, the Doctor climbed down, and beckoned the others to follow. Smiling calmly, he grabbed for one of her hands, and the other reached for Jackie's and together the three of them ended up running back to the TARDIS.

By the time they reached the ship, they were laughing and two of them were out of breath. And it hit Rose like a tonne of bricks. Her mum wasn't out of breath, just like the Doctor wouldn't normally be, and her eyes were bright and excited, and she was lightly bobbing up and down on the spot.

For two days almost, they had done no running, and the Doctor's body was used to it. An excess of unspent energy was there, sizzling underneath the surface and it was her mum in there, and it was just weird to think of her mum being so energetic.

The Doctor noticed it too, and giggled in her mum's way which usually stated she was highly amused at something. "Jackie. Go outside and run it off before you give my body any form of caffeine, or you will regret it."

Her mum didn't even bother forming a coherent reply to him, slipping out the door of the TARDIS and disappearing somewhere off to one side. Rose shook her head and grinned back at the Doctor. "You made her hyper."

He shook his head and grinned back. "No, I made me hyper. She just happens to be me. And she won't be getting into any trouble here, so why not? She'll want to sleep. I know she didn't last night. Was the only way I knew to get her calm enough to even try."

Rose nodded. She knew the Doctor didn't need as much sleep as a human would. "How'd you...oh never mind. Silly question."

The Doctor giggled again in the same tone as before. "How'd I know? It's my body Rose. I'm so used to running now that my body uses it as a way to get rid of more than just energy. She'll be getting irritable by now, and that's not something I want to deal with."

A laugh followed the Doctor's comment and she shook her head. "Not looking forward to when she gets angry or irritable. More than she already is, huh? She won't slap you again, Doctor. Don't worry about that."

A shrug followed that, and the humour slowly faded from the room. "It's not her emotions I'm worried about. We're still...integrating you might say. Getting used to being in one another's bodies. It's a bit frustrating. More than a bit really."

"Which is why you cried yesterday?" Rose asked carefully. Something had happened after she had left, but neither had told her what. Maybe it was something the two of them had to work out on their own, but it felt odd being left out of a part of either of their lives.

"Yeah, she hasn't got the same...coping mechanisms as me."

Once again Rose found herself nodding. To all she knew, the Doctor did use the frequent bouts of running they did as some strange form of coping with his own emotions. He'd be completely and utterly overwhelmed by them otherwise.

Not that he didn't have his moments. Right after their visit to 2012, he had ran off to parts unknown in the TARDIS, and she hadn't been able to find him for a good few hours, Adam clinging to her in fright, at the thought of being left alone on an alien ship.

That hadn't been that long ago, now she thought about it. It had only been a few days since they had dropped Adam off home. She hoped for the Doctor's sake that he had gone off to find a dark space somewhere and let out his feelings in a more productive way than running.

Seeing that Dalek had almost shattered him.

Her mum came back a few hours later, out of breath and panting, and her hands were covered in scrapes and dirt. Rose looked her over and frowned. "What happened to you?"

The older woman shifted a bit, looking uncomfortable under the gazes of the other two. She cleared her throat. "I...got into a fight with a tree."

Rose began laughing, though the Doctor didn't. "Feel better?" he asked, looking her up and down.

Jackie nodded. "Yeah, a bit. Guess I needed that."

Now the Doctor smiled, and nodded. "Good! Show me your hands. Hope you didn't break anything."

There were only scrapes and a few bruises, and so the Doctor could easily fix it with his dermal regenerator. Afterwards, her mum was complaining of being sweaty. She wandered off to her bedroom, which now had a bathroom extension and had a quick shower. She joined them for dinner five minutes later.

The Doctor teased her about being so quick.

All in all, Rose thought, as she began eating the veggies in front of her, it had been a rather good day.