Chapter 1 Numb
The constant annoyance of her alarm clock told Mimi it was time to get up; to face another empty day. She turned off the clock and sat up in bed, she just stared at her arm. "Why didn't you hurt?" she asked it, frustrated when it didn't reply. She pushed back the covers and decided to get ready for the day. She never understood going through the motions, she never found a reason to get out of the bed every day, but here she was heading to the bathroom to shower and change for the day.
Her arm didn't look so bad, but at the same time she didn't want to draw attention to herself. She put on a pair of blue jeans and a long sleeve shirt before exiting the building. She walked the four blocks to campus; the whole time all she could think about was the emptiness inside of her. She was sure she would sell her soul if it meant she could feel again, if only for a second.
Mimi's morning where routine, go to her psychology discussion at 8:00am and then go to the student union, upstairs to the 3rd floor where the student organization offices were, sit there for two hours, then go to class again. It was clock work, it was routine, "I hate routine," she said as she pulled out her key to the office. But today was different because it was Monday, and Monday meant that she would have a visitor for an hour. Someone to make the emptiness of the office go away for a brief amount of time.
She was staring at the scratches on her arm when he walked into the office. She immediately noticed his presence and pulled her sleeve down. She looked over at him and he smiled at her. She tried to return it, but for some reason her eyes wanted to water instead.
"Morning," he said as he sat down and pulled out his textbook of choice.
"Morning Shawn," she said. "Shawn Brady," she thought to herself, "the man who comes every Monday and Wednesday to his office hours; then comes the other days to mine office hours to keep me company by reading his text books. It's really sweet when you think about it, those days that he's not here this room feels empty. How pathetic is that, that I find comfort in something who barely speaks to me!" She looked at him being all studious and couldn't take it anymore. She was going to explode and she needed to talk to someone. She quickly got up and walked out of the office to call Jason, her friend of two years. She never really talked to Jason about what was going on, but he was in her life when she first battled depression two years ago. Since then he had transferred out of Salem University to go to some private school upstate to study engineering. She missed her friend at times, but could tell that their friendship was slowly starting to fade way. She looked up and saw Brady Black walking down the hall. She met Brady last semester and is still embarrassed that she opened up to him last week about her depression. But Brady is a good listener and gives the most incredible hugs, he holds you so close…its indescribable.
"Hey Meems," he said, "I'm going to the office."
"I'll be there shortly, have a phone call to make," she said quickly. She looked up at him with her big green eyes and bit her lip, thinking if she really wanted to ask her question.
"Just ask me," he said.
"Ask you what?" she said confused. "Can he read my mind?" she thought.
"I know you well enough to know that whenever you need to ask me something you're not sure you can to ask you bite your lower lips and look at me with those eyes," he said, "and I don't think it's fair because who can say know to those eyes of yours."
Her face immediately fell into confusion, "Well this is my confusion face," she said, "so how do you…"
"No tangents today," he interrupted, "ask away."
Mimi's head immediately went to the ground. "Can I have a hug please?" she asked in a quite voice
Brady looked at her and it broke it heart. She didn't need to ask again, "Sure," he said as he pulled her into a tight embrace.
"Thank you," she said when he pulled away. She continued to her retreat to the lounge near by. She reached into her pocket and found it empty. "Damn it!" she cursed, "I left it back there." She turned around, quickly heading back to the office, wiping the tears when she approached, "Can't make a phone call without the cell," she laughed nervously as she grabbed it and left as quickly as she came. She turned the other direction and walked out the door to that stairs that no one ever uses. She dialed the all familiar number.
"Hello?"
"Jason," she said, "its Mimi." Her voice was breaking, her tears could be heard.
"What's wrong?" he asked, "What happened?"
She opened her mouth, but the words wouln't come out of her mouth. "I cut myself last night and this morning and it didn't hurt" she said in her mind, "Can you make it hurt?"
"Meems," he said, "Are you there?"
"I can't tell him this! He'll freak out; he'll want nothing to do with me! I don't want anything to do with me." Her mind was racing trying to think of a way to get out of this, but she didn't know how. She just wanted it all to go way; she just wanted to know what it was like to feel again. She missed pain.
"It didn't hurt," she said.
"What didn't hurt?"
"I wanted to feel something anything," she said, crying harder now, "but it didn't hurt."
"Slow down Meems," Jason said, "talk to me. What is going on?"
"We can't be friends anymore," she blurted out.
"What?" Jason said, "That doesn't make any sense…"
"It doesn't matter if it makes since," she rambled on, "we can't be friends. I don't deserve it…or you…you don't deserve it."
"Meems," he said, trying to keep a calm voice but failing, "I don't understand."
"We're losing contact," she said in a light voice, "so better to end it now before it gets messy."
"What's really going on!" Jason demanded as he raised his voice, "Is it the depression?"
"Oh you'd love that wouldn't you!" she screamed back, "You'd love to just come in here and save the day. Well let me tell you it's not going to happen. I don't need saving and I sure in the hell do no need you!" She slammed her phone shut and sank to the wall. Completely numb but could feel the wetness on her checks. Mimi wiped her cheek and notice it was tears. "What have done?"
After a few moments have passed, she wiped her tears and walked back to the office. When she reached the door she could hear Brady and Shawn laughing. She took a deep breath; "You can do this Meems," she coached herself. She walked into the office and sat down. She pretended to read her book, but the whole time trying not to break out into tears.
"I'll telling you Shawn," Brady said, "it would be awesome to get shot."
"What!" Mimi said turning around, "How can that be awesome!"
"Not to die," Brady said, "but a battle wound, a story to tell."
"Yeah," Shawn agreed, "you could be like, look how bad I am. I got shot, almost died…"
Mimi covered her ears and hummed to herself; trying to block their conversation. It didn't seem fair to her, all she wanted to do was die. But no one would let her die. But they could joke about it. A few sobs escaped her mouth, she was hoping they didn't hear it. After a few seconds, she couldn't hear anything. She removed her hands from her ears just slightly to test the waters. All she heard was silence. She removed her hands and continued to pretend to be reading.
"What's wrong?" Shawn asked, giving her that look of concern.
"Nothing," she said, "nothing at all." She tried hard not to look at them.
"We heard you crying," Brady said.
"It's not right to joke about death," she deadpan.
"What's wrong?" Shawn asked again, his eyes never left her since he heard that first sob leave her mouth. If he was truthful with himself, it would be the moment he saw her cover her ears and rock back and forth.
"Well you see I just read about this disorder some people…."
"What's wrong?" Shawn asked again cutting off what could have been another famous Miriam Lockhart's avoidance by rambling on until she thinks you forgot what the original point was.
She looked at both men's face and could tell they were not going to let this on go. "It's the eyes huh?" she said, "Red and puffy, dead give away huh?"
"Yeah," Shawn said, biting his lower lip and raising his eyebrows slightly, a look Mimi learned a while back was his concern look, "What's wrong?"
"It's nothing."
"I know you well even to know that nothing doesn't make you cry," Brady said.
Mimi couldn't take her eyes off of Shawn; she was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. But she couldn't tell them. How could she? They would look at her differently, she couldn't bare it. "No," she whispered.
"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me," Shawn said with determination.
"You have class that you can't skip," Mimi said with a smile saying 'ha, I win.'
"That's not for another 45 minutes," Shawn said, "so I'm going to be here until then and you're going to tell me what's wrong."
"Not going to happen," she said, "so Brady, how are you doing today?"
"I'm not going to let you change the topic," Brady said, "tell us what's wrong."
"I can't tell you," she said, "you wouldn't understand."
"Try me," Shawn said.
Mimi didn't speak for the next ten minutes, she figured she could just be silent the whole time, but all she wanted to do was cry. Which seemed crazy, since she couldn't feel the tears in the first place.
"You can't carry this burden yourself," Shawn said.
"Yes I can!" Mimi screamed, "It's my problem! My burden! Mine alone!"
"That's what friends do," Shawn said, "we are there for each other."
"You can't have this one," she said, "ask for another one."
"This is the one that's causing you pain," Shawn responded, "It's the one I want."
"If you go to class now I'll give you a hug," Mimi offered; remembering their last conversation where Shawn introduced her to the whole 'friends like to hug' theory of his; even though she hated them with a passion. She still had nightmares of Shawn, Brady, and Rex sandwich her into multiple hugs. In her family you only hugged people for three reasons. Number one, someone died; number two, you hadn't seen someone for a long time or they are going away for a long time and you liked them; and number three, you're having an emotional breakdown and you need someone to hug you as they lie to you and tell you it will all be alright.
"Tell me what's wrong," Shawn pleaded with her, "I can help you."
"You don't know what you're asking for."
"Yes I do," Shawn said, "I want to help you."
"Why?" she asked.
"Because I love you," he said.
Her eyes widen at his words. "You can't love me!" Mimi yelled back, "You've only known me for three months, you couldn't possibly love me!" Mimi was silently kicking herself for this, he gotten close to her defensive wall. He was a threat she didn't see coming; how could she? They barely knew each other.
"Three months is a long time," Shawn said, "plus we spent how many hours a week in this office together."
"Reading text books!"
"I love you," he said again, "get over it. Now tell me what's bothering you."
"You can't handle it," she said, "please stop asking me."
"I'll take my hug now," he said putting his things into his bag.
"That was a time related bargain," she said, crossing her arms, "you were suppose to leave at that moment." He gave her a look that said 'hug now.' She rolled her eyes and hugged him. She tried to pull away, but he held onto her.
"I love you," he said, "and I mean it. I want to help you with whatever this is."
"You really want to know," she asked as she watched him nod. She pulled up her sleeve to show only one scratch from the knife, "and it didn't hurt." More tears poured from her eyes as she felt him hug her again.
He didn't know what to say, what words could be said? It was a small scratch that didn't seem to amount for much. It looked like her cat nailed her with his claws. He let her go, "I need to go to class now. I'm here for you." Mimi just nodded as he left.
"You Madame need to get to class," Brady said, "so you can learn all about that crazy psych stuff and tell me and Shawn until we say…"
"Like you could have lived you're whole life without knowing it," she said rolling her eyes as he mimic his voice.
"Exactly."
"I'm going," she said putting her stuff into her bag, "Brady can I ask you for another one of those famous Brady Black hugs."
"Sure," he said standing up to hug her.
"And can you lie to me and tell me everything is going to be alright?"
He smiled as he wrapped his arms around her, "Everything is going to be all right Meems."
And in that moment of time when his arms were around her holding her tight, she believed him. She walked out of the office and went to class. When she got home she ran to the kitchen and grabbed another knife. "It didn't hurt before," Mimi said, "because I didn't break the skin. It didn't bleed. Now I know what to do to make me feel something." She put the knife against her skin and started cutting horizontally across her arm. After several cuts she threw the knife in the sink defeated, "Why aren't you hurting? Why am I still numb?"