Chapter 3 Those Three Little Words

May 2

It's impossible! Everyone I talked to agreed with what Shawn said that when someone you love is hurting you hurt too, a big old GRRRRR on that one. How could I be so stupid! Sure it's easy to think you're hurting. But how are you supposed to be hurting when you didn't even know you were suppose to be hurting in the first place? Shawn didn't seem to be hurting before I stupidly showed him my arm. Brady and Rex don't seem to be hurting the way they claim they should. This only proves my point that what you don't know can't hurt you and besides Shawn Brady doesn't know me, he couldn't possibly love me. So why can't I shake the feeling that he really does mean those three little words…

I woke up today praying to God that yesterday was just another nightmare that felt like it was real but it was only dream about. But I wasn't sleeping. It was one of the many nightmares that have become my life. My arm is securely wrapped in gauze as the memories of my conversation with one Shawn Brady flood my mind. How could I be so stupid? Why did I show him my arm? Why did I tell him my dirty little secret? "STUPID!" I scream the reflection in the mirror, "YOU ARE SO STUPID! I HATE YOU!"

Those three little words are killing me. How does he not know the rules? How does it not know that I wasn't made for love? You may be thinking that I'm some poor little rich girl complaining because Daddy didn't get me that Porsche for my birthday that he promised me. But I've never been rich, when it came to money. I was once rich in love, but she's dead now. She died when I was seventeen; taking a huge piece of me when she died and whatever was left was destroyed when I watched two of my mother's greedy brothers and their wives tear apart the only few belongings she had. Which made me questions for years how much her sons didn't love her the way they claimed to love their mother, my grandmother. But it's good to know that when someone tells you that you are priceless to them that priceless really means "I value a small piece of land more that I value your life." Talk about a cold hard slap in the face to snap you back into reality when you are told by people who claimed to love you more than anything in this God forsaken world that you were worth less than most automobiles. That was the final nail in the coffin that made me know for a fact that I was not made for love and worth absolutely nothing.

But I digress, this story isn't about my insecurities and how worthless I think I am. The real kicker in all of this is that people have the nerve to say that I have no self confidence and hold a negative view of myself when they are the ones that shaped me into this alleged big ball of negativity. I just call it me, it's worked so far.

I need to get out of the past because it's the present that has become more bothersome. Is it too much to hope that Shawn doesn't love me anymore? That after a night of thinking it over he finally realized that he does not love me but that girl he created in his mind that he thinks I am. I look in the mirror open more time before I head to the university, "Here's to hoping," I tell the stranger in the mirror.

The four block walk to campus wasn't so bad today, it only took me about thirty minutes to do but I'm still exhausted. I just can't understand why I'm tired all the time and everything I do takes longer and is more exhausting then it should normally is for me. When I reach the office I can't tell you how much of a relief it is to see Brady Black typing away at the computer and no Shawn Brady to be found. "Hey," I said as I sat down on the most uncomfortable couch known to man, especially when it came to taking a nap on it.

"Just the person I was thinking about," Brady said.

"Really?" I asked as I watched him sit down next to me on the couch. He got comfortable and gently placed his arm around my shoulders.

"I was thinking about that time you told me about your…your…"

"My mental illness," I said, "the depression, the thing that does make me the one who flew over the coo-coo nest."

"Don't do that," Brady said sternly, "I can't say that I know how you're feeling because I don't. I've never had depression myself. And I don't really understand what it is doing to you. But I do know one thing and that is that you will beat this thing."

"How do you know I'm going to beat this thing?" I asked him, "What if it is my undoing?" I can see the wheels in his head spinning as he searches for the right words to tell me. Wow, looking into those baby blue eyes and determined face. A girl could get lost in those eyes. If I was a normal girl I would so be crushing on him, which would be a bad thing since he's my friend. I guess it's a good thing I'm not normal then.

"A couple of months ago my sister tried to kill herself," he said, as he pulled me to his side and rest his head on mine, "my mom found her in time to save her."

"Did she have to go to the mental hospital?" I asked him, "I really hate the mental hospital. I'd do anything just to make sure I didn't have to go back to the horrible place."

"Yes she did," Brady told me, "she stayed for a week and has been on medication and therapy since then. She's doing better now, the depression is less serve then it was a few months ago."

"But Brady…"

"I'm not stupid enough to think that it's the same for everyone who has it," he said, "but I know you can get through this because you're stronger than you think you are..."

"Don't," I beg him as I tried to pull away from him but he wouldn't let me go. Instead he brought his free arm around the front of my body, locking me in his embrace, "please don't finish that thought. You don't know anything about that. One moment of weakness doesn't make you an expert on me." I didn't even notice that subconsciously I was running my finger across my cuts that were hidden under my sleeves.

"I have a friend," he continued, "She's taking a semester off a school and checked herself into a mental hospital."

"Depression?" I asked.

"No," he said, he lifted his head and waited for me to look him in the eyes, "She cuts herself." I could see his eyes stay on me as my body tenses up. "With the encouragement of her friends and family she checked herself in so that she can get better. So she can stop hurting herself."

"I can't imagine wanting to go into that hell hole," I whispered, "that will never be me."

"She realized that she was sick and went for treatment," he said, "she reminds me of you in a way. She has this strength she doesn't know about and…"

"I don't want to talk about this," I told him as I got up; he let me go this time. I went to my chair and pulled out my psychology textbook, "I'm so far behind in reading that I need to catch up…"

"Hey Brady," Shawn said walking into the office like he owned the damn place, "how's it going?"

"Fine," Brady said, "Mimi here was just telling me about some psychology mumbo jumbo." He winked at me as an assurance that he would not tell Shawn want we were talking about.

"Well Meems," Shawn said, "please feel free to keep that conversation between the two of you…"

"Are you taking it back?" I ask him immediately.

"No," he sighed, I guess he was hoping for something this morning too, I guess we both don't get what we wish for, "I love you. And now that I know what's wrong I'm not going to abandon you. I want to help you."

"You can help by forgetting you ever met me," I yelled at him, "And you can forget that you ever thought you loved me."

"I love you," Shawn said, "why is that so hard for you to believe? Why are you so quick to reject love?

"I'm not rejecting love in general," I tell him, "I'm rejecting your love!"

"You know what I think," he challenged.

"Enlighten me Obi wan," I said sarcastically.

"You're afraid," he said walking close to me.

"Pff," I said trying to get away from him, but he locked into me like a missile to it's target. Damn him.

"You're afraid because deep down inside of you, you know my love it real and it's deep," Shawn explained to me in his understanding and patient voice, "and you're scared shitless that someone actually could care about you more than a superficial surface kind of love that you're use to. You can't comprehend that someone could actually care about you enough to love…"

"I give up!" I yelled throwing my hands up in the air in defeat, "I your love. There's nothing I can do to stop you but no one else is allowed to love me. I'm over on my love quota forever!"

"Do you know what it means to accept love into your life?" Shawn asked me in his concerned voice.

"You've got to be kidding me," I said as I threw my hands up in the air in frustration, "you won the argument and yet you continue?"

"It's not about winning argument Mimi," he told me, "It's about you understanding what it truly means to accept that someone truly loves you."

"You're crazy," I told him, "Brady will you please talk sense into him!"

"He's the one making sense here Mimi," Brady said, "You're the one who's not."

"Oh my God," I said, my eyes widen, he couldn't….he wouldn't, "You don't…you couldn't….you don't love me right? Right Brady?"

"I love all of my friends," he said.

"What does that mean exactly?" I asked him, "Are we friends?"

"It means that I love you," Brady said slowly articulating every word with soft caring eyes that never left my own, "and all the freaking out you are going to do now that you know, won't change that fact that I Brady Black love you Miriam Lockhart."

"You're insane!" I said, "You're both completely and utterly insane! You weren't supposed to become attached to me!"

"We're not attached," Shawn said, "we have a connection and it's a strong connection."

"And why is it a strong connection?" I challenge him.

"The more we talked other these past few months the more intense our connection to each other became," Shawn said, "Yesterday you shared something with me that made it that much stronger." He reached out and grabbed my hand and gently placed his other hand over my injured arm, "I now know what's hidden beneath this layer of protection and I love you more for sharing it with me."

"Please don't," I said freeing myself from his hands, "this is insane. You both are insane!"

I look up and see Rex walking in and he's never looked more beautiful than he does right now. For surely as the earth orbits the sun there is no way Rex loves me. He will be the only sane one in this office and he will keep my sanity intact.

"What's going on?" Rex asked as he walked into the room. He must have been able to sense the tension in the room, "Or do I really want to know?"

"Rex," I tell him, "Thank God you're here. These two are completely insane. I'm afraid you're the only sane friend I have."

"What did they do that makes them insane?" Rex asked looking at me like I was crazy.

"They have the nerve to love me," I told him, the shock still evident in my voice. I couldn't quite read his facial expression but it looks like confusion. "But luckily for me you could never love me. All we do is trade sarcastic remarks and I make fun of that funky applesauce you eat. That means you couldn't and the earth continues to orbit the sun the way nature meant it to be….why are you looking like that?" He's looking at me like I'm the one that grew the second head and not Brady and Shawn.

"I'm sorry but I need to burst that bubble you're living in right now or mess with how the earth is properly orbiting the sun in all," Rex tells me in the most sincere face I have ever seen, "but I love you."

"What?" I said baffled, "How? Why? We trade sarcasm; you're not supposed to love me."

"Mimi," Rex said, "I thought you would have learned this lesson by now."

"What lesson is that?" I asked him, not really sure I wanted to know he answer.

"It's really quite simple," Rex told me, "you don't choose who you love, they choose you. And even then, I'm sure they don't choose either…the heart chooses."

"But I didn't choose you, none of you," I said.

"That doesn't mean anything," Brady said.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because the other lesson to learn is that you can't choose who loves you," Shawn said, "and I love you. Not because you love me, but I love you, the essence of you, all of you. You shared with me something you tried hide and scare me off and it didn't work Mimi. I want to help you."

"You can help me," I said, "by stop loving me." I grab my backpack and my book and quickly run out of there. I'm really starting to hate those three little words. They have become the thorn in my side.