A/N: Thanatopsis is defined as a meditation on death.

Also I know some of you have been having questions about how I intend to go about this story. To put it simply I will be blending both the books and films as there are aspect of both that I think are important. Such as the major differences that are evident in the TTT. I intend to change the story to accomidate Buffy but I also intend to keep as true to the spirit, history and story of both the films and books. I first read the books at age 8 and ever since I've had a love for them. I'm going ro do my best not to change anything I don't have to. Except the Arwen/Aragorn thing. I always thought she was a ninny.

23. Thanatopsis

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."
Kahlil Gilbran

Imladris January 14/55 Hivre 2988 III Age

Arwen was worried, very worried. For hours now she had felt Buffy's fear but could do nothing. More than once she had tried to contact her dearest friend to no avail. It seemed as though Buffy's own fear was blocking her. Buffy rarely felt fear at all and for her to feel fear this strong something had to be terribly wrong.

It had come as no surprise when the gwenyn had returned home less than an hour ago from hunting orcs. They weren't expected back until tomorrow but Arwen knew why they had pushed forward and come back. They could feel it too and it worried them. Neither of the gwenyn had the connection that she shared with Buffy but when their kinswoman's emotions became strong enough even they could feel it.

Elladan sat on the other side of the room idly sharpening one of his knives with a wetstone to distract himself while Elrohir sat near the window staring out into space, a look of concentration on his face. Arwen knew that they were both worried but until Buffy's mind calmed enough for her to be reached Arwen knew that she could do nothing.

After what felt like forever, even to one as old as she, Arwen began to feel a shift. For an instant Buffy was filled with grief and then it was gone, replaced by nothing. Arwen felt the eyes of her brothers turn on her instantly and without hesitation she reached out with her mind.

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Meduseld Rohan January 14/55 Hivre 2988 III Age

Buffy felt numb as Raewyn led her from the room and down the hall.

After letting out a cry for her friend's death she had gone completely numb. She didn't hear the doors open, she didn't see others enter, she could hear anything. All she felt was numb as she stared into those empty blue eyes. Somewhere in the back of her mind she felt the hand maiden take her in hand and lead her from the room into the great hall and begin to clean her blood covered hands. She felt her feet move as Raewyn led her to her own rooms but she still felt numb.

After what could have been forever Buffy's eyes began to focus on something other than the image in her mind and she noticed that she was alone in her room sitting on her bed. She let out a deep breath and looked down at her hands, her eyes unfocused as a familiar voice sounded inside her head.

"Buffy, mani marte?" Arwen asked her voice worried. (what happened?)

"She's dead." Buffy replied flatly

"The queen?"

"yes"

"How?"

"Having the baby."

"And the child?"

"He's alive. I saved him. She told me to save him."

"Pen vell tula bar na ammen." Arwen replied her voice full of concern and sympathy. Buffy felt her heart clench at that. She did want to go home. She wanted her family. She had no reason to stay here now and even though she knew that Narya had healed baby and finally shown herself she didn't care. She wanted those she loved. Taking a deep breath she replied. (Dear one come home to us.)

"Alright. I'll leave tonight."

"Manke naa lle?" Arwen asked. (Where are you?)

"Rohan.:"

"The gwenyn come to meet you."

"Alright.'

"Amin mela lli, pen vell." Arwen said softly before leaving her mind. Buffy took a deep breath and forced her mind to focus. It couldn't have been more than an hour since she had gone into shock and if she guessed correctly then messengers had already left to inform the king about his wife's death. And most likely everyone was engrossed in their mourning or duties which meant that no one would bother her for a while.

Standing quickly she assessed her room and herself and then began to move. Within half an hour she had changed into her Ranger clothing and two heavy tunics and gathered all of her possessions into her worn leather pack. Strapping on her weapons she went over her supplies and decided to make her way down to the kitchens before heading down to the stables for Beriadan.

Moving with all the stealth of an elven trained slayer she made her way to the kitchens and then the stables without incident. Seeming to understand his mistress's mood Beriadan kept quiet as she quickly saddled him and mounted.

No one questioned her as she rodeout of the city at a full gallop. She was the Queen's personal guard and the Queen was dead of childbirth, Buffy assumed that they thought her on her way to the King.

And so with a heavy heart Buffy set out into the cold winter night.

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Arwen looked up at her brothers as she broke contact with Buffy. Both were looking at her expectantly from their seats.

"She comes from Rohan. I assumed you would ride to meet her." Arwen stated and both rose with a nod.

"What has happened?"

"The queen, her friend, has passed in childbirth. She is distraught."

They both nodded in understanding and made their way to the door. Arwen rose after a moment to follow them, their adar would need to be told.

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"Every day above ground is a good day."
-Sara Pezzini-Witchblade

Northern edge of Dunland January 26/66 Hivre 2988 III Age

For twelve days Buffy had been riding hard, barely taking time to rest Beriadan and eat what meager food she had. Beriadan didn't seem to mind though. He was an elven breed horse and as such could cover greater distances and needed less rest than other types of horses.

But Buffy wasn't too concerned with pushing her ever faithful and slightly eccentric stallion. Even after over eighteen years he was still more swift and graceful than any horse bred on the Mark. She was more than distracted with her grief and the repercussions of her healing Elfhild's son. In an attempt to distract herself from her grief she had focused mainly on the latter. As well as she could reason it out she had come up with a theory that would have made Giles proud.

When Narya had tested her it had felt like only maybe a week had passed when in fact it had been five and a half years, so as Buffy figured the same applied here. It had been almost six years since she had woken up so that meant that, for Narya, it had only been about a week. Which for the ring might seem like an acceptable amount of time to wait before starting to show herself.

But for Buffy not so much.

But as far she knew she couldn't argue with a ring. So instead she focused on anything that she could to distract herself from her grief

Which is why she's thinking of Aragorn at the moment. Something that she's managed to put off nearly six years.

She wasn't sure what to do about Aragorn at all. She loves him, that much she knows without doubt, but love sometimes just isn't enough.

And not knowing if he had forgiven her for leaving was still there.

As was her insurmountable fear of him being 'the one' and if he was the repercussions of it.

Her adar had apparently made it clear that he would settle for none that were 'unworthy' of her. Apparently his standards were very tough if the someone was anyone other than an elf. Either that or he thought that by setting the bar so high for Aragorn he would never reach it. Which really didn't make sence to Buffy because her adar knew that one of her duties was to help Aragorn claim the throne of Gondor.

Buffy narrowed her eyes as she considered it. Her adar was playing a delicate game. By saying that they could only be together if Aragorn was King then he pushed Aragorn to reach his destiny and make Buffy's duty apparently easier. But the other side of that was that if Aragorn became King then he had free reign to marry her if he wanted to.

Which meant one thing.

If he was so sure she wouldn't marry Aragorn then that meant that he didn't think that they truly loved each other.

Or he was relying on her known fear of being caged by the trappings of 'ladylike' behavior to keep her from marrying Aragorn if it came to that

Oh yeah. Her adar was being a weasel. He wasn't making decisions for her because he knew better but he was playing a game that could end with him getting exactly what he wanted. Her, with a mission accomplished and no pesky human love interest to keep her from giving up her immortal life.

It was a pretty good plan Buffy had to admit. But right now it could be entirely moot because Buffy wasn't even sure if Aragorn still loved her or had forgiven her for leaving without a word.

Buffy didn't get much further down her train of thought though as she spotted two horses in the distance, approaching quickly, in the oncoming darkness. She couldn't make out the riders distinctly yet but she was sure that it was the gwenyn. Easing Beriadan into a trot she waited for the two riders to get closer, her gloved hands more than ready to pluck the bow slung over her heavy cloak next to her quiver. Killing from a distance if she needed to was much easier which is why she loved the fact that she had a bow. Had she not she could have thrown any one of the four average sized knives on her body, she would never throw one of her large knives on her back unless she had no choice.

As they got closer Buffy eased her hand back from where it had gone near her bow. It was the gwenyn all right, Buffy had been expecting them in the next day or so since she was certain that they had left almost immediately after she spoke with Arwen and if she knew them they had ridden hard the entire way to get to her.

Buffy was glad to see them. She would mourn when she reached Rivendell had had Arwen there to cry to. Arwen was the only one she could open up to that way. The elleth was the only one she would allow herself to cry in front of. She counted Arwen, Legolas and the gwenyn as her closest friends but there was just something that prevented her from crying in front of any of them save Arwen.

Steeling herself and pushing her grief down while chanting about a time and place to mourn in her head she made to greet her surrogate brothers.

"Quel undome nin Wilwarin." Elrohir said when they were within ten feet of one another. (good evening my butterfly)

"Quel undome nín gwenyn." Buffy replied with a small smile. She was happy to see them no matter what the circumstances, it had been too long. (good evening my twins.)

"Sut naa lle?" Elladan asked as they pulled their horses up next to Beriadan. (are you alright)

"Lhind." came her one word answer. Now that they were with her she could relax some and she felt the tiredness she'd ignored for days wash over her body. They both looked at her reproachfully and she decided to cut them off from pushing until she wasn't so tired that she felt like she could sleep sitting on top of Beriadan. (fine)

"I'm tired guys. Can we just find a place to make camp so I can sleep? I promise you can do the older brother thing to me the rest of the way home if you just let me sleep for a full night now. I haven't slept more than two hours at a time since I...left." Buffy pleaded and they both nodded. They knew better than to try and push her when she was tired. Apparently it didn't matter how old she got, she was still as scary as Dawn said she was if she didn't sleep decently over a long period of time.

After about twenty minutes of riding in silence they found a place to set up camp for the night. Luckily there was no snow on the ground and they were able to set up camp with their old efficiency, a warm fire burning in under half an hour. Buffy ate the lembas bread and dried fruit they gave her for dinner and within minutes of finishing she was curled up on her bedroll with both her heavy cloak and blanket over her and her summer cloak folded up as a pillow.

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Bree January 30/71 Hivre 2988 III Age

Aragorn sat in a corner smoking his pipe as his thoughts followed a path that they had been led down almost consistently for nearly twelve years.

Buffy, the woman who held his heart and part of his fëa.. He loved her and though it would have been better for him not to he couldn't stop. Every expression, every word, every touch had been burned into his memory. She was like a sickness and one that he was more than willing to keep even with most seemingly against it.

But Aragorn was no fool. She was the Wilwarin of her people. Though she was not born of the race of the Eldar she was one of them. Her immortality and her adoption made it clear that though she was born of the race of men she was no longer one of them. For all intents and proposes she belonged to the Eldar and would sail with them when the time came if that was her wish. His heart would go with her and he would be left to die.

But even as she was no longer of the race of men she was something more than the Eldar, She was dagnir and as such her path wasn't like that of the rest of her people. She carried a destiny and a duty, a thing she did not hide from. A thing that she put before all others, even him.

Part of that angered him but the other respected it. She did what he could not. She was far above him and he needed to be worthy of her.

And he was not.

And could never claim her as wife until he was.

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Imladris (Rivendell) February 11/11 Coire 2988 III Age

It was on the sixteenth day of travel with the gwenyn that the very welcome sight of the bridge into Rivendell came before Buffy. The past sixteen days had been pleasant with the gwenyn and she couldn't help but feel grateful for it. On the morning after they had met she had informed them of what happened over the last six years though it was edited and she gave another reason for her travel to Rohan. Neither of them asked her about the time she was missing and Buffy had a feeling that that was Arwen's doing. The elleth knew better than most when not to ask questions and for that alone Buffy could kiss her.

As they made their way across the bridge over the Bruinen Buffy felt her body relax. She was home and soon she would have the closest thing to an older sister to go to and cry.

After turning over her horse to a groom Buffy turned to see both Elrond and Arwen waiting for them at the doors to the Last Homely House. Buffy couldn't help a small smile as Arwen came twards her with kind eyes and soft words. She was oblivious to all others as her surrogate sister took her in hand and led her to her room.

As they entered Buffy's room she began to remove the bulk of her cloak, ranger coat, and weapons dropping them all haphazardly into a chair. Her intent on the simple process all that was keeping her from bursting into tears. After a few moments though her task was complete and all she could do was look at Arwen and even as she did the tears began to fall.

"I couldn't save her Arwen. I couldn't save her. I didn't know what to do and that woman was making her bleed more and the baby...oh god. She didn't deserve to die that way. She was supposed to watch him grow up." Buffy sobbed as Arwen led her to sit on the bed.

"Be at peace. She passed in child birth. It is common among the race of men. You did not cause it. You granted her last wish, you saved her child. You honored her."

"I couldn't save her." Buffy sobbed.

"Mayhap you were not meant to. But you saved her son and for that I know she would be grateful." Arwen said softly as she stroked Buffy's head where it now lay in her lap.

"It just hurts. I lost so many I cared about before coming here and now after all these years of not losing anyone it just hurts." Buffy said between sobs.

'I know it does but it will pass."

"I know but it doesn't mean I don't still feel like crying for a bit." Buffy replied as her sobs began to taper off some.

"Then you shall. But after you are having a bath, a meal and going to sleep." Arwen said soothingly as she continued to stroke Buffy's hair.

"Yes mine fuhrer." Buffy replied with a touch of amusement in her voice. Now that she had had her cry she felt much better. Her friend was still dead but deep down she knew that she couldn't have done anything. She knew about healing but only battle wounds it would have taken someone with skill equal to Elrond's to have saved her.

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"Delay is hateful, but it gives wisdom"
-Publilius Syrius, Roman author, 1st century B.C.

Imladris (Rivendell) March 16/44 Coire 2988 III Age

Elrond watched from his balcony and Buffy and Arwen sat on one of the terraces and played a game of cards, using the bench on which they sat as a table as well. The Wilwarin looked to be back in good spirits and for that he was glad, too soon the repercussions of being a ring bearer would begin to show themselves. He worried over the small woman greatly. Though not born of the Eldar she was considered one by all now. They had claimed her as one of their on as no other had ever been. She was the Daughter of the golden Wood who would lead her people should she stay after her parents crossed over the Sea. She was dagnir, considered one of the greatest warriors of their people and was sure to be considered the greatest once she was truly tested in war. And she had been given name Wilwarin after the Queen of Stars, Elbereth herself, a name given to none before her.

Though born of the race of men she was in all eyes one of the Eldar now. Elrond saw her no differently than he saw Arwen. The Eldar were now her people and she knew it.

Which was where the trouble lay now.

Estel loved her and from what he had been able to glean from Arwen she loved him in return. Their love was a complication to all. Celeborn had made it very clear that his daughter would marry none that were unworthy and if Elstel wished to have his daughter than he must claim the throne of Gondor.

Elrond knew the implications of this maneuver and knew that eventually it would come back to bite the Lord of the Golden Wood.

But until the river of events began to flow more swiftly Elrond decided to keep his peace.

After all none could change Buffy's mind once she made it.

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