warning: this isn't rated T for nothing. let's just say, extreme emo-ness. don't like, don't read, and certainly don't flame

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And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

God, I was tired of seeing shrinks.

In a small town like Forks, it's a surprise that there are any therapists at all. I've seen him already. When that didn't work, we moved to Port Angeles, where they have two. When that didn't work, my father drove the cruiser out to Seattle. There are a lot more therapists in Seattle. "But with the price of gas and the price of therapy," Charlie told me, shaking his head, "We can't do this much longer." This was the fourth (and final, Charlie warned) shrink I've seen. She is a bony woman, pale, with short, bristling hair.

The resemblance stops there, but it is enough to hurt.

Charlie waits outside, as usual. It's only fair. Therapy is one-on-one. Or, as Therapist Four said, "Girls only, Chief."

I sit on the couch—the first shrink I saw was the only one who actually required you to lay on that day-bed thing and stare at the ceiling thoughtfully—stiffly, prepared to lie. When I was whole, I was a terrible liar. Here's a secret: when you're completely devoid of emotion, no one can tell either way what's the truth and what's a lie.

Therapist four leans in conversationally. So far, she is doing a good job—a better job than the others—of keeping it real. Trying to make it seem like she wasn't cross-examining me. Wait 'til she opens her mouth, Bella.

"How are you feeling, Bella?"

For a moment, I am caught off guard. How am I feeling? Well, Ms. Therapist, every time I wake up in the morning I feel as if someone ripped out my insides. Does that clear things up for you?

"I'm fine."

Number Four purses her lips. "Bella, I hear you've been having some…issues."

"I'm fine."

Her tone changes to one like that of a reprimanding mother. "Bella, your father tells me you haven't quite been the same since a boy named…" She glances at a clipboard placed in her lap. "…Edward left town."

After four therapists, I am prepared. Still, my arm goes around my stomach, trying desperately to close this hole of pain that is tearing me apart. Number Four sees this, and notes it on her clipboard.

"You…really liked Edward, then," she says, looking at me for confirmation.

Even though she said his name again, I have to chuckle a bit. Oh, I rather liked him, Ms. Therapist. He was nice enough.

"Why is that funny, Bella?"

"Yes, I liked him," I tell her.

"Edward?"

"What other him is there?" Congratulations, Number Four. This is the most I've spoken to anyone besides Charlie in a while.

"Bella, your father is worried about you. He says you aren't acting like yourself."

"My normal self left a long time ago when he left me in the woods." Did I say that?

Number Four nods eagerly, excited at her progress. "He was very special to you, then?"

Somehow, I maintain a monotone. "I love him."

The pain of admitting this again rips me apart. Both of my arms are around my stomach, and I may be rocking back and forth. Through this pain, I can't tell.

Her eyes widen slightly at my violent reaction. "Bella, Bella honey, are you alright?"

"I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm sick and tired of hearing that question."

"Bella, I'm just trying to help you."

"I don't need your help." When I was whole, I might have been kinder. With this pain in me, it's a wonder I speak at all.

"Bella," she says, coming to sit by me. "You need help. You're underweight, Bella. You don't socialize with anyone. You never go out and you never speak. Your father is afraid…your father is afraid you might try to…harm yourself."

I shrink away from her now, and look away. Her soft voice that sounds almost…sincere, like maybe she actually cares, pierces me once more. "Bella, roll up your sleeves, please."

I close my eyes and shake my head.

"Bella," she says sternly. "This is not a choice."

Slowly, I roll up my sleeves, still staring determinedly away, not wanting to see her reaction to my pain.

Her hand gently brushes my scars. Does my self destruction scare her? Is she surprised? Or is this just another teen angst to her? Maybe she has emotional girls crying over breakups in all the time.

Edward Cullen leaving me is not just another breakup. If she knew him, she would understand.

No one understands.

Her intake of breath suggests she is about to speak, but before she can and apologetic secretary pokes her head in the door. Quickly, I roll up my sleeves. "Doctor Kaylin, your next patient is here."

Doctor Kaylin. Someone up there hates me.

I move to leave, but Doctor Kaylin places a hand on my shoulder. "Bella," she says.

I turn to her.

"I'll…see you next week, Bella."

I nod in a noncommittal way. As I walk out the door, I whisper, "I hope not." I don't really care if she hears or not.

When I was whole, I would have cried. These days, I have no more tears left to waste.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

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A/NL: chapter two. i know, i was sad to see Bella that way too! hope you like this one despite that. chapter three in a couple days. i hope more people get to read this one! i know that twilight fanfics come and go so quickly that only a few people will see this on the first page. if anyone has any ideas to help promote it i would love to hear!

thanks for reading :)

candyk8