And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

Sometimes, the urge to return to her is stronger than others.

I told Alice I would stay with the family again. It has been months since I've seen them, and nothing has taken my mind off of Bella. Not that I could expect that; every moment of my time is taken wondering where she is. Wondering if I should check on her. Wondering if she's moved on, because if there is a God, he knows I never will.

Still, when I said I would stay with the family, I didn't know how hard it would be. Attending high school, with the exception of my time with Bella in Forks, had always been a pain. Now with this extra weight I carry, with this extra burden I bear, the dull schedule and the sameness of the lessons is only more of a hindrance. Even if I have nothing better to do, school does not fill the void that leaving Bella has given me.

I have almost every class with Alice, who is both overjoyed and unhappy. She is excited that I am attending school with her again, but she sees my pain and it saddens her. Would you lighten up, Ed? She thinks at me. You're scaring the little human children.

Let them be scared. Does it matter? They are of no consequence to me. What does it matter if another rumor is spread? I've heard them all before: the Cullens are part of a cult, the Cullens are on drugs, the Cullens are aliens.

This normalcy is tedious, and is slowly killing me, despite my invincibility.

At lunch I do not take part in the discussion of my siblings. They try numerous times to involve me, but I can add nothing to their conversation.

Afterwards Alice and I walk to Biology in silence until Alice speaks. "Edward," she says hesitantly. "Are you alright?"

I glare down at her. "Hasn't Jasper told you how I'm feeling?"

"Edward…"

"No, Alice, I am not alright."

"Maybe school was a bad idea, Edward. Maybe you're not ready."

I sigh in exasperation. "Well, look into my future, Alice. Tell me when I'll be ready."

Alice bites her lip. "Please, Edward, I'm just trying to help. We're all worried about you."

I shake my head. "What do you want me to say, Alice? What can I say that will get you to leave me alone?"

Alice blinks now, stung. "Well, if it's going to be that way, Edward Cullen, then I will leave you alone."

She begins to stomp off, but I grab her arm. "I'm sorry, Alice," I say guiltily, "I just…I don't know what you want from me."

She places a hand on my arm. "We want you to be happy again."

I close my eyes. "That's too much to ask of me."

Alice sighs. "I knew you were going to say that." Despite myself, I chuckle. "I also know," she continues, "that you're going to take a sick day. You're off to the nurse right now."

I smile half-heartedly at her. "I'll see you at home, Alice."

"See you."

I walk through the hall in the opposite direction as Alice continues to class. We all miss her, she's thinking. What amount of time will heal his wounds?

No amount of time can heal my pain. How can I continue on when the only thing I want is the only thing I should never have?

If my existence before Bella was hollow, now it is simply starved. I miss her, and the emptiness I feel without her is unbearable, intolerable. But somehow, for her sake, I must keep moving. I mustn't go back, even though it is the only thing that could make me feel better again. I crave her; she is an addiction and I can't obtain my drug.

So you're saying I'm your brand of heroin?

My memories of Bella are so clear I feel like I could reach out and touch her. I need them; they are the only thing I have left of her. But at the same time, each memory is like a stab to my still, cold heart.

I should be happy for the time I had with her. In my doomed existence, I should treasure what happiness I am given. Instead, I am still selfish, always selfish, in wanting her. She was an angel, and I, the devil, was hardly worthy to shake her hand. Yet I spent time with her, spoke with her, touched her, kissed her.

I kissed an angel, and still I am ungrateful.

At home I write a note:

Alice—

You were absolutely correct when you said I am not ready for school. I need more time—a few years, perhaps.

I'll be in touch.

--E.

P.S. Don't worry, I'll just be pitifully wallowing in my memories of a better past.

Sometimes, the urge to return to her almost overcomes my better judgment.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

--

A/N: Okay, not as terrible as the last chapter :) but WHO WANTS TO SEE EDWARD SAD, ANYWAY?! not i. unfortunately, i sometimes have to give in to the muse. thanks for the reviews guys! i would like more though...no, i'm not pouting...much...

-IrisOfTheRainbow: the song featured in the story is called "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls. hope you enjoyed it :)

-Bellas-lullaby: in Stephenie Meyer's story, no, she doesn't. in my story i took creative liscense and made it more dramatic. i'm sorry if that bothered you. hope you enjoyed otherwise!

-Twirls: thanks! hope you like this next one :)

i hope to get more reviews then three this time...but hey, enjoy the story anyway...

peace,

candyk8