Part 16
Joey's POV
I freeze before my hand could reach the doorknob. I turn around slowly, facing him. I remember few times when I saw him in such messy state. Hurt, vulnerable, his wits his only defense against the world. But his eyes, oh, boy. Those clear blue eyes held all the truth behind them. His deplorable state must be consequence of all the emotions he had bottled up the past months, denying them, fighting them. Triggered by a banal act or memory, everything exploded. I wonder what could be. Maybe the anniversary of the first time he met Maggie, I think angrily. Get over yourself, Josephine. You're getting jealous of a dead woman. The woman who gave him two children, by the way, while you were exactly what? A high school sweetheart? One night stand? I shake off the bad feelings, and focus on helping him, no matter what. However, the words roll off my tongue before I could think about them.
"Wait for what, Pace? To be insulted when the only thing I want is to help you?"
He stares me fighting to find the words, bouncing on his feet.
"I...I need to throw up,"he mumbles, running to the bathroom.
I stand there for a second, unsure if I should follow him or not, deciding for the first option. I stop at the doorway, watching him kneeled beside the toilette, emptying his stomach.
"You must be happy now," he mutters between waves of nausea.
"You are a doctor, you should've learnt that you usually throw up after getting drunk. On second thought, you wouldn't even need Med School for that, just college would do fine."
"Ha ha ha, very funny, Potter,"he replies dryly.
"I learnt with the best." I give him a pity look. "After you finish this, take a shower. Meanwhile, Ill make you something to eat."
"Eat? You expect me to eat?" he rolls his eyes before throwing up again.
"Johnny Walker is not considered food, you know? And it seems that's all you had today." He mumbles something sounding like I hate you. "And you can hate me as much as you want, doc, as long as you do what you're told." Pacey throws a roll of toilette paper at me, and I leave him alone.
I hear the sound of water running. Just being able to help him makes me smile. That's cheesy and corny, I know, but around him, I'm sixteen again, so it's allowed. The doorbell rings and I answer, meeting a worried Gretchen, with Bella in her arms.
"How is he, Joey?"
"Pretty messy. What triggered this?" I take the baby from her, ruffling her soft hair.
"It's Sammy's birthday. He needs help, Joey, but he's so resistant about it."
"Stubborn as hell." It makes sense now why all he wanted today was to forget. I sigh, wondering if he would accept specialized help.
"You love him, don't you, Joey?" Gretchen whispers with a knowing smile. I nod, not able to form the words right now.
He might not say, but he loves you too. I think he always did. I'm happy you're here to help him."
"Me too, Gretchen, me too."
"I need to go; do you want me to take Josie with me?"
"No, I'll take care of her, don't worry."
"Bye, Joey, bye Bella Josie. And..."
"Gretch, I'll take care of him too."
She leaves with a thankful look. I stare at the baby that looks at me with her innocent blue eyes.
"It looks like were going to take care of daddy, sweetie. I kiss the top of her hair, leaving her at her playpen while I make some soup and coffee."
I come back with a bottle for Bella and Pacey is still MIA. I wonder if I should go after him. Maybe he passed out while showering. Images of Pacey naked in the shower fill my head. Damn it, Potter. First, take care of the baby, then her crazy father.
While Bella sucks happily her milk, I start talking to her, telling things about her father, about me, things she'll never remember, and will never tell anyone about it.
"And you know one thing, Bella? Never underestimate love. When I was a kid, I messed up real bad with love. I denied it, ran away from it, and you know where it brought me? To ground zero. I am as hopeless in love with your daddy as I was ten years ago." I hear something falling on the ground with a thud, turning to see a frozen Pacey at the doorway, his eyes full of surprise and pain.
Pacey's POV
I had heard some voices during my sobering shower, but stopped on my tracks when I heard Joey's voice talking with my daughter
I had heard some voices during my sobering shower, but stopped on my tracks when I heard Joey's voice talking with my daughter. It must have been Gretchen then, worried about me. And I know she's got reasons for that. I'm worried too, I think it's about time for me to admit that Jo is right. I need help on this. Time to swallow your damn pride and ask for help.
"And you know one thing, Bella? Never underestimate love. When I was a kid, I messed up real bad with love. I denied it, ran away from it, and you know where it brought me? To ground zero. I am as hopeless in love with your daddy as I was ten years ago." I hear her saying, making me drop the little baby toy I had brought for Bella. A shot of surprise stuns me, I never thought I would hear those words from her. The simple thought that maybe she's confusing pity with love brings me a dull pain. I don't wanna her pity and I don't dare think about her love.
She stares me with those big brown eyes, she knows what I heard, and she's waiting for my reply, but right now, I can't give a proper one. I push everything I really wanna say to the back of my mind. I'm not ready for her love.
"Pace? Are you feeling better?" she asks in a low voice, afraid to wake up the baby that just drifted to sleep.
I nod, I don't trust in my voice right now. So many thoughts in my head, and alcohol still running on my system. I tilt my head, and she gets what I mean in our usual wordless communication, taking the baby to her crib. I follow her, and again pain stings my heart when I watch her putting Bella to sleep, kissing her soft curls before coming with me back to the living room.
We sit side by side on the couch, neither of us knowing what to say. I watch her twisting a strand of her hair, like she does when she's nervous, and I feel a need to touch her hair, to certify if it's as soft as I remember, scowling myself for even thinking about that. She's the first to break the uncomfortable silence.
"Pacey, I know you heard what I was saying to Bella. I need you to understand that I didn't say that expecting you would hear. Or that I'm expecting anything from you now on"
"Joey, I think you might be confusing love with pity here, and I really can live without that."
"Pacey Witter, don't tell me what I am feeling right now, because you wanna know what? You might even not be ready to hear this now, but I don't wanna deny it anymore, as scary as it is. I have been in love with you for the past ten years of my life, and I was stupid enough to do nothing about it when I had the chance. I'm not asking anything from you, I'm just being honest." She sighed tiredly. "I lived these last years lying to myself, pretending that everything was cool and ok, when it wasn't, too proud to even ask anyone how to contact you."
I don't know what to reply. Part of me wants to tell her that I feel the same way, and part of me is just too scared to reply. How many times I dreamt about those words and they came at the worst time possible. Joey can't stop talking, she looks like a flooded river of emotions. She stands up, pacing in front of me. I can't help the chuckle, I must be still drunk, and this is just some kind of drunk fantasy. Yep, this is the safer road.
"I know I have no right to say all this to you. And I'm not giving any ultimatums here, Pace. But I want you to see the difference."
"What difference?" I'm not getting her point in this whole love declaration thing.
"Pacey, I kept only dreaming these last years. My life has been full of what ifs and wonderings. You, you went and had life, real life. Yes, you lost your daughter and your wife and that hurts like hell, but you can't forget what you still have. You have a wonderful daughter, the most beautiful baby in world and you close off your love, and don't even try to deny it. You keep dwelling on the past, but the past only haunts us, Pacey."
"So I don't love my daughter now? That's precious, Potter."
"I didn't say you don't love her. But obviously, you try to not be too much attached. Pacey, you get as many night shifts as you can. And today you sent her over Gretchens to get drunk."
"I could try to stay here and explain to you what is like to lose a child, Joey, but you'll never understand."My head is throbbing now. How dare she say all that to me? It takes a long pause before she replies on a tone I haven't heard in years, only when her mother died.
"I know the feeling, the gut wrenching feeling that there was nothing you could do to save someone, someone you could give your own life if it was possible. Just because I don't talk about it, doesn't mean I don't know how it feels."
I feel dizzy. Who is she talking about? A sudden fear that maybe shes talking about a baby we had, that could be possible and I never heard about must be written all over my face because she quickly starts to explain.
"I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I was helping Dawson to pack when I stared at his calendar. It was July fifteenth."
I freeze at her words. Joey...pregnant with my baby. I was at a loss of words; I didn't know how to react.
"I didn't need to be a Math expert to know what it meant. A wave of nausea sent me straight to the bathroom, almost knocking Dawson out of my way. While I emptied my stomach, I started crying. You had made it clear you didn't want any kind of contact. If I went to your family, they could even bring you back from New York. I wondered what Bessie would do, how I would go to college. It's amazing how fast your mind works under stress."
"What happened, Jo?" I manage to whisper, still too shocked to process it.
"Dawson went after me and asked what was going on, and I answered that I thought I was pregnant. I don't know what was worse for him. Knowing that I might be pregnant or if I really were, the baby was yours. We had a harsh exchange and his words that I would never escape my fate as white trash kept dancing in my mind while I ran away from there." She took a deep breath before continuing.
"Against my worst expectations, Bessie was very supportive when I confirmed it. She wanted me to inform you though, but I couldn't bring myself to ask Doug about your whereabouts. That's when Andie started bugging him till he gave in."
"Andie knew?"
"Pacey, everybody knew then. I had your address, your e-mail, but I couldn't write, no matter how much I tried. My damn pride. You had left me, twice. The months went by really fast, I went to college, Jack and Jen helped a lot, when I wasn't feeling good. And I kept postponing writing that letter. Until the holidays' break."
"I had this hopeful feeling youd come home for Christmas. But you never showed up. Something broke inside of me, that gut feeling that I was going to do that all alone and I wasn't ready at all. I went into labor on New Years Eve, almost six weeks before the due date. My baby boy...I never thought I could love anyone as much as I did in the moment I had him in my arms. He was so tiny, so small."
"How did you name him?" I feel myself on the verge of tears again, and I thought I had no more tears left today. How mistaken was I?
"Dylan. And don't think it was somehow related to 90210. "She gives me a teary smile, while I still fight my own tears. "Dylan was the Irish God of sea, and the sea always reminded me of you. " She sniffs and I lose the battle against my tears, I let them run freely and she sits beside me, taking my hand in hers, trying to find her own strength to what I know is going to be the hardest part of her narrative. I squeeze her hand, feeling helpless. I should have known this. I can't stop blaming myself for not being there with her, for not even knowing that I had had a son. Joey seems to sense that, because she squeezes my hand, before speaking.
"Pace, I am to blame too, never forget that."
"But Joey, I shouldn't have run away like that."
"Blaming yourself for what happened won't help it, believe me, I tried."
"But..."
"Pacey, please, let me finish, or I won't be able to tell you what happened."
I nod, reassuring her with another squeeze on her hand.
"The doctors took him to the Neonatal ICU, because he wasn't breathing properly. They first thought it was a consequence of him being premature, but it was more than that. He had a congenital heart disease. Total anomalous pulmonary venous connection, plus a left ventricular-right arterial shunt. The only thing that could help him was surgery."
There was no need for her to tell me that, I remembered about a similar case I had on my first days on Neonatology rotation. The studied symptoms coming clear to my mind. Pulmonary congestion, cardiac failure, cyanosis. Death.
"He didn't have enough weight, so we had to wait. However, with all his breathing problems, he wasn't able to gain the weight he needed. Therefore, they went for a desperate measure. He never came back from surgery."
I don't know from who came the first sob. We cling on each other, Joey crying for the son she lost, me crying for the son I never met. Her unconditional love for Bella since she met her making sense.
"She looks a lot like him, you know?" she whispers in her teary voice. Again, we use that unspoken kind of communication.
I don't know for how long we stayed like that, crying, trying to find comfort in the closeness. I feel like I have been working for a week with no rest. Exhausted, spent, and I know Joey must feel the same. She speaks first, reading my mind again.
"You need to rest, Pace. You are going to have an awful hangover tomorrow and you can't skip work again." She leaves my arms, returning with water and aspirin. I swallow them, quietly.
"What about you, Jo?" I ask. I know this night will charge its tow on her too.
"I'll be fine, Pace. I'm going to sleep on your couch in case Bella wakes up crying."
"But Joey." I feel we have a lot to talk yet.
"Pacey, I'm fine. "She replies a little too harsh." I can't talk more about this, right now, ok?" she offers with a shy smile.
I do what I'm told, I can't argue with her now. I fall on my bed, making my best to ignore the sobs I hear from the living room, until I finally drift off to a restless sleep.
Joeys POV
It took me a long time to fall asleep on Pacey's uncomfortable couch, but I feel like a weight has been removed form my shoulders. I knew I had to tell him someday, but I didn't want it to be like this.
Reliving those painful moments was like a nightmare, but I had made my peace with them a long time ago. Not that I would get less sad whenever I remember them. It gets easier, but who said it's easy to forget you lost your son?
Whimpering and moaning brought me back from my sleep. Pacey was probably having a nightmare; he had told me he had been having them right after the accident, but I should've guessed they would return tonight with full force. I walk to his room in the darkness, to find him trashing over the bed. I touch his shoulder, shaking him lightly to wake him up.
"Pacey, it's only a bad dream," I say in a soothing voice.
He sits on the bed, panting, mumbling unrecognizable words, his gaze lost. He locks his eyes with mine for a moment, whispering in the darkness.
"You were gone, Joey, and there was nothing I could do." He looks like a little lost boy.
"Pace, I'm right here." I run my fingers through his hair. "I'm right here." I repeat, sitting beside him on the bed.
"Yeah, you are." He repeats, the information that I'm really there sinking in. He brushes a strand of my hair, putting it behind my ear, giving me a weak smile.
I touch his face, reveling in the fact that I'm able to do this again.
"Stay here," he whispers, a finger tracing my eyebrows.
I want to argue it's not a good idea, we're both under strong emotions and feelings right now, but all rational thoughts leave me when his mouth inches closer. It's his way to offer comfort and to plead to be comforted. And we kiss, falling back on the mattress. Tomorrow, tomorrow I'll think about this. Today all I wanna do is feel. Alive.