Part 17

Joey's POV

Waking up in Pacey's bed, his arms around me is bittersweet

Waking up in Pacey's bed, his arms around me is bittersweet. Reality and fantasy mixed up. I touch his relaxed face, trying to convince myself that it's real, that last night was real. I feel anxious, one moment I wanna just snuggle close against him, on the other I wanna run away from here, dreading the moment he's going to wake up. Because Pacey waking up we will inevitably going to talk, and I'm really scared of what I'm going to see in his eyes. Or that he will say last night was nothing but a big mistake.

"Potter? Are you awake?" his sleepy voice startles me.

"I'm just thinking." I can't look into his eyes; I hide my face on his chest, feeling his hands in my hair.

"It's too early to be thinking." He yawned loudly.

I raise my head to face him, somewhat surprised by his lighthearted comment.

"Pace, do you realize what happened last night? Do you know what…" I ramble, and he puts a finger on my lips stopping me.

"Slow down, Jo. Of course I know exactly what happened last night, I wasn't that drunk anymore." He chuckles softly. "And even if I was, waking up with a naked Joey Potter in my bed would trigger my memory."

I stare him in surprise. That was not the reaction I was waiting at all.

"So you're ok with us doing this?" I ask, mentioning the obvious nakedness.

"You're asking me if I feel guilty about Maggie?" He sighs. "Yes and no." I frown waiting for him to continue. "It's been only few months she's gone, Jo. But I could never regret being with you, my dream girl." He smiles, kissing my forehead. "What always made me feel so guilty about Maggie was that I liked her, she was my wife, she gave me my daughters, however I could never love her, not the way she deserved, and we both knew that. When the accident happened, we were heading to a point of no return."

I knew it was his time to put all his bottled feeling out there, I just waited. It was an awkward situation, lying naked in his arms, listening to him telling me about his marriage.

"The fights had been so constant, that even though I missed Sam, I avoided being at home as much as possible. Moreover, I felt like the worst jerk, picking up fights with a pregnant woman. The day the car crashed, I was the one supposed to pick Sam at school not her. That's why I felt so guilty. I was the one supposed to die, not her." He sighs deeply again. "And losing Sam at the same time? Felt like an added punishment."

"Punishment? Pacey, why did you feel you needed to be punished?"

"I got so mad at Maggie when she got pregnant again, Jo. I didn't want her to get pregnant at that time, we weren't getting along, and money was tight. I felt trapped, because she knew the only thing really keeping us together, well, what brought us together on the first place was my daughter. Two children would tie me for good. I got so mad that I did something I never thought I could. I started cheating on her."

That really surprised me…One thing I always knew about Pacey was that he would never cheat on a woman he was committed to. He must've sensed my surprise, because he chuckled bitterly before continuing.

"Yep, I did. It disgusted me, but I did it anyway. I wanted to feel free, free form a relationship that was crumbling and I didn't know how to deal with it anymore."

A jolt of comprehension got me; I knew exactly what he was doing when the accident happened.

"You were with your lover when the accident happened?" I had to ask that. Dull feelings in my stomach, making me remember my own cheating husband.

"If I were, I would never be able to look myself in the mirror again. But that doesn't mean that I felt less guilty. I knew what I was doing was wrong. When they died and I was left to take care of a child I didn't want, my world crashed down. I didn't need to say a word, and Ashley knew I wouldn't be seeing her again. But my own guilty was devouring me, so I took my well-known way to escape it. I ran away. However, fate had its own way to show me that running away never solves things. I met you."

"You have no idea of what was like for me to see you again. My dream in front of me. I thought you were beautiful back then, but boy…A grown up Potter was just wonderful. And you didn't throw anything on my way, as I would expect, you even seemed happy to see me again. You wanted to be my friend. And all those feelings I always had for you, they came back with full force, Jo. And it scared the hell out of me. And more I felt them, more guilty I felt too. You looked happy with John, with your life. What could I do? In addition, I felt so ashamed about my previous behavior, towards you, towards Maggie, that I started believing in an inner voice that said you would hate me if I told you that I was a cheater, especially after what you told me about your husband cheating on you with your former roommate. And after all you told me last night, about our baby, I still wonder why you don't." he finished, his voice faltering.

"I couldn't hate you, Pacey, believe me, I tried." I have tears in my eyes, and I stare those clear blue eyes, that are also tearing up. "When I met you again, that day at the ER? Part of me wanted to slap you, but my heart? He was the one to take all of me and offer you my friendship. It was my heart that stopped me to tell you about Dylan, because you were hurting so much after your recent losses. It was my heart that made me say no to Carter's proposal. Because my heart wasn't mine to offer." I brush away his tears with my fingertips. "You said you ran away, Pace, but I did it too. I ran away from my own heart, when I finished things with you on junior year. I knew how I felt back then, and it really hasn't change, but it was so scary, knowing that at the age of sixteen I had found the one, my match for life. So I pushed you away, and only allowed me one night. That one night at your boat? That was one of my most certain decisions in my life."

"Even after all that happened after?" he whispers, caressing softly my hair.

"Especially after all. You gave me my baby, and even if I lost him so early, the moments I had him will be forever etched in my heart. Btu I kept running away from my feelings for you, all I had to do was call, but my fears always got the best of me. Then I met Eddie. I liked him, Pace, I won't deny it, but he was what Dawson had always been for me: he was safe, I knew for the very first moment he would never put my heart at risk. When he proposed, I accepted, knowing perfectly well it wouldn't work. When I found out he was cheating on me with Audrey, less than six months after our wedding, I felt more humiliated than anything else. The whispers, the veiled talks, made me remember everything I left behind in Capeside. So I left Boston, just to meet you again." I smile, touching his cheek. "I guess it was fate returning my heart to where it really belongs."

"I would never cheat on you, Joey; I don't know how anyone could." He says seriously.

"I wouldn't believe you after all you told me, and I do have trust issues, but weirdly enough, I believe and trust you."

I feel his lips on mine, it's not a kiss of passion, we already released all that during the night. It's a kiss of love, of commitment. He leaves a trail of kisses on my neck, whispering against my skin.

"I'm done cheating on my heart."

I take his face between my hands, grinning stupidly. Everything is clear now between us, and it's amazing how he reads my thoughts and inner fears without words. Maybe it happens because we don't need words, our hearts talk to each other in their own language.

"So, these two runners have finally found their racing line?" I tease.

"Knowing us both? Nah... We probably have a marathon ahead." He tightens his arms around me.

"As long we run this one together." I haven't felt this happy in a long, long time.

"As long you don't leave me, I'll be here, by your side."

"So will I, Pace."

"Promise?" he rolls his weight over me, pressing me against the bed

"I promise you forever." He catches my last word in a kiss, and we get lost in our feelings as we make love as the dawn comes.