A/N: Okay, so I've given myself a slap on the wrist already for my extreme lack of updates! But I was having a real hard time writing this chapter, my muse left me for a while and over the holidays, I just couldn't not find the words to type! I want to thank my lovely beta Ave, for her support during this time and all her help, love you hun.

So this chappie is a long one, hope it makes up for its delay.

Enjoy!!!!

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Chapter 8 - Family

Did he look like a father? Did they look like a family?

The idea that they did both, excited and disturbed him at the same time.

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Family. To Ryan the word had meant so many different things.

When he was younger he didn't have a great idea of family. He thought all families were like his, if he could call them a family. Dawn and Frank hadn't been the best parents, most of the time Frank wasn't even there. He would disappear for days on end and when he was there he would be drunk and would shout at him and Trey if they got in his way. Sometimes Ryan felt as though he had done something wrong for just daring to breathe.

Dawn hadn't always been so bad; Ryan had vague memories of her at times standing up to Frank when he shouted at her boys. She usually ended up with a black eye for her troubles. So she drank and when she drank, Frank disappeared. Then Dawn would stop drinking, Frank would come back and it would start all over again. It was a vicious circle that Ryan tried to hide himself away from as much as possible.

He had sought refuge many times next door, at Theresa's house. Her mother was kind and she made them proper meals and covered his scrapes and bruises with band- aids. It was from spending time with Theresa's family that he realised that being a family wasn't meant to be hard. You weren't meant to feel scared and unsafe in your own home, with your own family. Your parents were meant to give you unconditional love, make you feel safe and protect you from the badness of the world. They were meant to be people you could trust.

He thought things would have gotten better when Frank left one day and didn't return, but by that point Dawn liked her drink too much, and she gambled heavily too. She had found herself a boyfriend who hadn't been any better than Frank. The boyfriend would drink and shout the same, and on the occasions that he would drink he would shove Ryan and Trey around, whilst Dawn feigned ignorance and smoked her cigarettes. She had learnt her lesson.

Trey had tried to look out for his little brother. He would take Ryan and the two would walk around the neighbourhood or go to one of Trey's friends houses to escape being at their own. But Trey had just been a kid himself, a kid who attracted trouble and when he found himself in the biggest trouble of all, he took Ryan down with him.

In the end Ryan figured that having a family just meant trouble, though he still loved his mother and brother, he didn't trust them. He didn't trust anyone, until he met the Cohens.

They had taken him in and he found the love and, eventually, the trust that had been missing from his own true family. Sandy was the dad that protected him, helped him when he needed advice and guidance. Kirsten was the mother who loved him, worried about him and tried to make him feel better when he was down, and Seth was the brother that was his friend.

Sure they had problems, just like everyone else, but he realised that problems were something that you overcame together as a family and it made you stronger.

With the Cohens he had fashioned together his own unique family, picking up different people along the way; Julie, Kaitlyn, The Bullet and eventually his own father Frank again.

Taylor had also become part of his patchwork family, he loved and trusted her above all others. She was his best friend (although he wouldn't ever let Seth find that out); she was his lover and confidant.

He had begun to hope that one day they would start on their own family together, when he thought about it, he hadn't imagined anyone else but her to be the mother of his children. They hadn't spoken about starting a family of their own, but he had always known that she was the one.

But that had all changed now, because someone else was the mother of his first child.

Ryan stood outside the door to their apartment, hand poised on the doorknob, key held up to the lock, but he made no move to put it in and unlock the door to let himself inside. He had been standing outside for sometime now, it may have only been a couple of minutes or ten, he didn't know. Each time he had decided to go in he would stop, pull back and just look at the door.

He was feeling conflicted; his overwhelming happiness at the success of his first meeting with Ry was shadowed by the slightest feeling of guilt. He would be lying to himself if he said he didn't know where it came from; he knew full well that his thoughts towards the latter part of the evening had bothered him, been the reason behind the taint on his feelings of relief and pleasure that the evening went so well.

Sitting in the booth at the restaurant he had felt like the three of them together were a family. The son he had only just found out about and the woman who was his son's mother but not his girlfriend, the woman he loved. The part that scared him the most, that made him feel most guilty, was the split second that he had wanted it all to be true. That they were a family like all the others in the restaurant and he forgot, for one second, he forgot about the woman who would be waiting for him at home.

He had been feeling guilty a lot lately, and truth be told he was slightly sick of it. He knew he shouldn't have felt guilty about missing the first nine years of Ry's life; his first smile, his first step and word, his first day at school. It wasn't his fault, he didn't purposely miss it, he had been kept from it. He could blame it all on Theresa.

But the guilt he felt now, he couldn't blame on anyone but himself.

He took one last deep breath and put his key in the lock and turned it, opening the door to the dark apartment.

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Taylor sat in the dark of the apartment at the small table on one side of the kitchen. Muted blue light from the moon outside sliced through the room as it streamed in from the windows casting it in light and shadows. She swirled the dark wine in her glass and then lifted it to her lips, she had been home for a while now and had been sitting in the same position, with the same glass of wine…waiting for Ryan.

As much as she had tried not to give it too much thought, Sarah's words kept coming to the forefront of her mind.

Her friend had meant well, she was prepping Taylor by giving her all the worse case scenarios so they didn't come as a surprise if, and that was a huge if, they did happen. Sarah didn't want Taylor and Ryan to break up, as relationships went they were her benchmark; she was looking for her own 'Ryan' after all. Taylor had the sneaking suspicion her two friends had planned their assault before hand; Sarah was the bad cop, laying out all the negatives, while Lucas was the good cop, highlighting all the positives. They weighed out the pros and cons of the situation and analysed them on behalf of their friend.

She loved them for it but wish they hadn't bothered, because now all she was left with were thoughts on the bad case scenarios; and the good case scenarios were harder and harder to remember the more she thought about it.

Happy families. Growing up Taylor didn't have the quintessential 'happy family' memories; her life wasn't as bad as Ryan's, far from it. She had a good house to live in, nice clothes, she went to good schools and had nice holidays, even if she was left on her own to do as she pleased whilst her mother flirted with the younger guys at the pool.

Although it may have seemed like she had everything, all the materialistic things, Taylor didn't have the love from her parents that she craved, she barely even saw her father and her mother was always full of disapproving remarks. She had always felt alone, she didn't have any brothers and sister to play with, apart from her father's children with his new wife but they were on the other side of the country and she didn't even know their names, and she never had any friends to create memories with.

Growing up Taylor was always trying to please her mother, she had tried to be mature and act like an adult, her mother abhorred childish behaviour, and as a result Taylor felt like she had never really been a kid. The older she got, the harder it was to understand what it meant being a child, how they thought, what they liked, how to talk to them, and as a result she was, to be honest, not all that child friendly.

Previously that had never been a problem, she had never been around children, but then came Sophie Rose and Joshua, Ryan's younger sister and brother. As babies they were fine, she held them until they began to cry, fed them occasionally and helped to put them to sleep every time she babysat with Ryan. But when they got to about three years old, she didn't know how to handle them, making funny faces and talking in a silly voice just wasn't enough anymore.

Taylor had tried her best to get them to like her, but where her mind ran a mile a minute with things to say to adults, when she was around kids her mind went blank. She didn't think kids would be all that interested in French poetry or workplace politics, she had tried talking about anime but beheading and bloodshed wasn't really appropriate conversation for seven year olds (and Kirsten had even banned Seth from talking to them about it) so she was stumped with what to say.

Ryan was most definitely Sophie and Josh's favourite, they would jump up and down with excitement and launch themselves at him every time he entered the house. He was a natural with kids and when he was around, everyone else was forgotten. So Taylor didn't really think anyone noticed her discomfort and worries because she was always with Ryan when she saw them, and so forgotten.

Summer often looked after Sophie on her own or with Seth, and at times Taylor felt the slight pangs of jealousy creep up at how well she did so; Summer was another natural with children, she would be a wonderful mother.

But when Taylor thought of having to look after Sophie or Josh by herself, she was slightly terrified, what would she do with them, she couldn't just put them in front of the television, they were too boisterous, Sophie especially, for that.

Again her thoughts came back to her conversation with her friends. She had told them that she wasn't at the dinner because it was best that Ryan got to know his son himself first, and that was true. Partly. She also hadn't gone and was thankful Ryan hadn't asked, for a reason she kept to herself; she was scared that Ry wouldn't like her; that she wouldn't know what to say to him, just like with Sophie and Josh.

Taylor imagined that Theresa was a wonderful mother. From the brief moment she had seen her interact with Ry at her birthday party, Taylor imagined her to be the kind of mother that was friends with her child, as well as a maternal figure. The kind that had lots of childhood 'when I was your age' stories, the kind of stories that Taylor didn't have.

Taylor lifted the glass to her lips again and then threw a quick glance at the digital clock on the microwave; it was nearing 10 o'clock.

Taylor wondered if her maternal instincts would kick in if she had her own children. Yes, she had thought about her future with Ryan, he was the man she loved completely, the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, but she hadn't really thought about them starting their own family before now.

She had previously been so focused on achieving the goals she had set for herself, she had always worked through life in stages; to do well in school, which she had done, she was valedictorian after all. To go to the best college, to get the best possible qualifications for her future, she had been top of her class during her time at the Sorbonne. And her goal recently had been to carve out the best career for herself, she loved working at the paper but she wanted to more than just having a weekly column. Taylor wanted to be a well-respected journalist, and she knew that it was going to take a lot of hard work to achieve it.

Two weeks ago, Taylor had thought she and Ryan had all the time in the world to plan out their future together. She had been happy, everything had been perfect the way they were. She wasn't in a rush to change the things that had been working so well; she had wanted Ryan for herself for the time being. But life, such as it was, had changed things for her; a chance encounter had her questioning everything that she had thought was so secure.

The clock now told her it was 10.25, Taylor knew dinner must have been over a while ago and she wondered where Ryan was now. Did Theresa have him playing happy families like Sarah said? Her treacherous mind brought up images of Ryan and Theresa tucking Ry in to bed and then gazing happily over his sleeping form, proud parent smiles beaming from their faces.

The light of the kitchen was suddenly flicked on, flooding the room and washing away the images from her mind, as Ryan stood at the entryway with a puzzled look on his face.

"Why were you sitting in the dark?" He asked.

"Oh, no reason, just er," Taylor glanced toward the window, " just enjoying the moonlight." She punctuated the end of her sentence with wide smile, hiding all her previous musings behind it.

Ryan looked at her for a second longer, and then moved to place his briefcase on the side. Taylor knew he wouldn't question her further, he'd said before that he wouldn't always understand how her mind worked, but he would always love her mind. Taylor thought back to one of her most treasured memories, using it as reassurance in the face of all her questions.

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Taylor stood in the middle of the room with a determined look on her face and her hands planted firmly on her hips. She could see Ryan struggling not to laugh but the subtle shake of his shoulders gave him away, followed by the grin on his handsome face, the grin she always loved to see.

All her determination fell like cards around her as he moved to stand in front of her and cup her face in his hands. She brought her own hands up to hold on to his wrists.

"Taylor, I'll never understand how that brilliant mind of yours works, but I know I'll always love it."

He kissed her then squarely on the forehead, his thumbs moved back and forth over her cheeks and he looked down at her through lowered lashes. Gone was the amusement from before in his eyes, replaced by a look of intensity that turned his blue eyes a few shades darker and her insides into a quivering mass.

With his voice lowered to a whisper he said, "I will always love the way your nose wrinkles, right here," and he kissed the bridge of her nose, "when your confused."

He ran a thumb over her bottom lip, "I will always love your smile," he lowered his head to hers until she could feel the warmth of his breath on her skin. "I will always love your lips." He closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her up and crushing her body to his.

She moved her hands to run through his hair, pulling him closer, she needed more; his kisses were always intoxicating. Her lips parted and their tongues touched, alternating between caressing and teasing. She pushed herself against him, as if trying to mould them into one being, her hands clinging to his shoulders. His hands moved to her lower back, holding her tight, heating her insides and fanning the fire that licked at her lower belly.

Ryan pulled away and Taylor tried to catch her breath. He placed butterfly kisses on the corner of her moth, along her jaw and down her neck. With a voice thick with lust he said, "I will always love the skin behind you ear." He placed an open kiss on the smooth skin just behind her ear, sucking it lightly and a moan escaped from her parted lips. Ryan kissed along her neck again, starting from the hollow at the base, tilting her head back and working his way up to her jaw.

"I will always love the way I can make you moan." Taylor lifted her head and looked at Ryan with heavy eyes. He kissed her again, this time it was slow, sweet, as he took his time. His hands moved from around her back to sweep up her sides until he brought them to a stop on her ribcage, his thumbs brushing just under her breasts.

He looked into her eyes once more, as his fingers worked the first button on her shirt.

"But what I," another button was popped open.

"Will always," another button.

"Love," another button.

"The most," he undid the last button and pulled open the sides of her shirt until it fell to the floor.

"Is your heart, the love it has to give," he bent his head forward and kissed the skin just above her left breast, on the skin over her heart.

Ryan stood straight and pulled her to him once again, through his shirt she could feel the heat from his body, "I will always love you, Taylor."

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He said he would always love her. She didn't need to worry or let Sarah's words scare her, it didn't matter what Theresa wanted; Ryan was hers. He would always love her.

"How was your night?" Ryan's voice pulled Taylor out of her thoughts.

"It doesn't matter how my night was," she said with a wave of her hands, "how was dinner? Did it all go well with Ry?"

"It went ok."

Taylor looked at Ryan and blinked, "OK? That's it, just ok? Ryan, you had dinner with your son. You were worried about this all week…and all your going to say is OK?"

Taylor wasn't particularly religious, but she prayed to whoever was listening that the dinner had indeed gone well. She knew it would be killing Ryan if Ry rejected him in someway and Ryan would keep it all to himself.

"He liked his present. You were right, he didn't wonder why I was giving him something." The corner of Ryan's lips quirked into a barely there smile as he remembered Ry's expression when he saw the present, his excitement as he explained to Ryan why the game was so good, how his friends were going to be so jealous, that he couldn't wait to play it.

Every word that had come out of Ry's mouth had made Ryan's heart swell just a little bit more, as it brought him that much closer to knowing his son.

"It, uh, it went well. He likes me at least, I think."

"That's great." Taylor smiled, although inside she was confused. It seemed as though Ryan was holding back, had something happened? "Did you tell him who you were?"

"No, Theresa only introduced me as her friend."

Taylor wondered what kind of 'friend' Theresa intended Ryan to be; then cursed herself for her jealousy. Ryan loves you, she reminded herself, and this is about Ryan's son. "And you're ok with that?"

"I have to be. She's his mother, she knows him the best."

"Yeah, I guess she does."

"He's completely different to me, you know. He talks a lot." Taylor noticed that his eyes were unseeing as he was pulled into a memory from earlier that evening. "Every time he spoke, it reminded me that I had missed so much. I have a son, and he's perfect…and I don't even know him."

Taylor moved to stand next to him, "Ryan…"

"But tonight was a start," Ryan smiled fully, "We were talking and laughing, the three of us sat there and it was nice. He was telling me about his friends, the things he likes, that he thinks I'm old," he laughed softly, "and…I actually felt like I was a dad."

Taylor's heart clenched, hearing the words that Ryan didn't say.

Ryan felt like he was part of a family.

She didn't say anything, just continued to listen and watched his face as he talked, animated with a happiness that she hadn't seen before. The happiness he got from spending time with his son; the joy of being a father.

TBC

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