Disclaimer: The only thing I own is the cheese grater wielding kitty-ninjas. So hah!
Dear Voldemort,
You Fag. I hate you. Go die and rot in Hell. There was no need for you to kill Cedric Diggory. He was a good quidditch captain who was Irreplaceable and a good friend. Wah!
You fag,
Harry Potter
Dear Mr. Potter,
Does somebody need a hug? Cause let me assure you that I'm not exactly hug material…unless you count constricting the life out of children, though that usually happens with my hands around their necks. Other then that I'm A+ material when it comes to 'hugs' as the kids call them (mmm, delicious children.) However I digress, Mr. Diggory… Ah yes! He at least was somewhat of a gentlemen, which made killing him all that more enjoyable. You should take some classes from him…oh wait, I killed him. Oops! My bad! I should send you a care package since I can't give you a much needed hug at the moment. Oh well maybe another time. Cheers my darling I'll see you soon.
Love and hugs,
Voldemort
Dear Voldemort,
… … … What. The. Hell. Is wrong with you!!! Good God your messed up in the head. Not only that you're taunting me and rubbing it all in my face! Hugs? Gentlemen? Ahhhhh! Grrrrr! Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr (Translation: Ooh I'm so mad I could just puke and cut myself. But first I need chocolate.)
Grrr!,
Harry Potter
Dear Mr. Potter,
I just love your choice of diction; tell me did you learn that from Mr. Rubeus or a troll. Actually you probably learned it from Mr. Rubeus since a troll can't physically make the sounds you portrayed. I could teach you proper grammar if you so desire, we would both benefit from it. You would have better social skills and I wouldn't have to listen to those butchered noises that you think are English. It would be difficult at first, but methinks that we could work out a system over owls what say you? Tell you what; if during our contact you pronounce bad language, then I'll correct you. If you don't like it…well I'm not going to listen to you anyway. If you have nothing but something stupid to say then all I can suggest is to remember my favorite Mark Twain quote: "It is better to keep your mouth closed and to appear stupid, then to open it and remove all doubt." Granted you've already removed all doubt, but we all learn from our mistakes. It isn't too late for you. (I hope)
Sincerely,
Voldemort
Dear Voldemort,
You're trying to teach me grammar? Why? Please tell me your joking right? Cause if you're not I'm going to be so pissed that I might just shove a cattle prod straight up a random person's ass. AND I DON'T MAKE BUTCHERED NOISES!!! All right? By the way you're a fagot.
Choke on something,
Harry Potter
Dear Mr. Potter,
Why did you write in all capitals on that one sentence? And one exclamation point would've sufficed, remember we're not talking we're writing letters to each other. It would be great if I could hear 500 miles away that well, but that's not how things work where I am which would be in your parent's bedroom where I'm currently peeing on their mattress, it's yellow now. Oh and by the way it's not very nice to shove a cattle prod up someone's butt I've had it done to me before. I don't care to mention the details because it's a very long story in which you most likely don't have the patience for or the wisdom to comprehend it even though it's very simple. Nevertheless having that done to me was very painful.
Sincerely,
Voldemort
Dear Voldemort,
YOU PISSED ON MY PARENT'S MATTRESS!? WHY?! You sicken me so much that I should really see these things coming you know that? By the way I'm glad that a cattle prod was shoved up your ass for whatever reason, you deserve it.
Asswipe,
Harry Potter
Dear Mr. Potter,
I'm very hurt that you think I deserve such horrible pain. And what did I tell you about writing in all capitals? This is quill and parchment, not a keyboard. On a side note I happened to notice that our letters have been commonly intercepted and are being read by people on an internet site, Isn't that strange? They also seem to be sending things called 'reviews' to my lord and master: the master of cheese graters. I wonder who they think is better, you or me…Anyway I peed on your parent's mattress because I already destroyed their bathroom with flaming poop. Oh that was fun.
Sincerely,
Voldemort
Dear Voldemort,
…I'm going to ignore the fact about what you did to the bathroom since I'm not really surprised. But what the hell is an internet site? And of course I'm better then you. And who the fucking hell is the master of cheese graters? Is he your slave, or is he a whore?
Please tell me?,
Harry Potter
Dear Mr. Potter,
How dare you. Never speak my lord's name in vain again. Now it's too late to ask for forgiveness. When the time of the seventh tome of your adventures comes to existence, it shall be published that you defeat me in an epic battle. But in reality I shall win. I will torture you in a thousand unimaginable ways. You, your friends, and your friend's families will die.
Sleep tight,
Voldemort
FIN?
What fate awaits our Dear Mr. Potter for insulting Voldemort's lord and Master?
The italics were my attempt at an icy demonic voice (ON PARCHMENT! YAY!)