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2. VALJEAN'S SOLILOQUY

(Valjean races to centre stage and sings ferociously about the emotions that have been racing through him since the show began. Don't worry, if you think Valjean's complaining gets old, he'll have newer things to sing about soon.)

VALJEAN:

What have I done,
Sweet Jesus, what have I done
Become involved in this show back in 1981?
I should have quit while I could
But now it's gotten too late
Here I am, stuck in this role that I hate!
The same strains of music assailing my ears
Here where I stand, onstage after nineteen years!

If there's another way to go
I missed it all those long years ago
Think of the awards that I once could have won
Playing King Lear or someone
Not named Jean Valjean!
But my contract got renewed again.
Oh, if only I'd known it back then...

And why did I allow myself
To be in this revival cast?
With really lousy orchestrations...
And what's with Javert? Bring back Philip Quast!
My life, or lack thereof, is here
How can this be?
For I have come to hate this show
And critics always hated me!

Scream out really high notes
Moo low notes like a moan!
Sing like I've got my mouth full--
This is all I have known!

But one phone call, and POOF! I'm back!
And once again, I'm Jean the Jack.
I could have savoured years of freedom
Those years of my life I'll never get back.
I could have starred in "Sweeney Todd"
"Jekyll and Hyde"...
And now I realize why this tune's
The same as "Javert's Suicide."

'Cause my knees and back are toast
And I shed a single tear
As I stare into the void
Of my long-destroyed career
I'd escape now from the role
From the role of Jean Valjean
But the audience is here
And the show must still go on!

3. AT THE END OF THE DAY

ALL:
At the end of the play, you're another year older

For the actors onstage, it feels like even more.

We play beggars, wage a war,

All get shot, and then dance at a wedding.

Three more hours standing about, already sore.

Well, it fits the grim setting.

At the end of the play, you'll snooze on a friend's shoulder.

But weeks later, you'll still have the songs in your head.

And each ballad slogs on past

And the show's inching toward its third hour

And you long for home—so does the cast

But to our dread,

We sing Miz in the shower!

At the end of the play, there's another show after.

And there's eight shows a week, more shows day after day.

Like a hamster on a wheel

Like the same rerun always repeating

There's an ennui that we feel

From the dead horse this show keeps on beating

But we keep these emotions at bay

'Till the end of the play.

FOREMAN:
At the end of the play, I get nothing at stage door.

Playing pervy bit roles hasn't won me one fan.

GUY:
There are hot girls in the crowd…

GUY 2:

I've got abs and a really great tan!

BOTH:

But the girls never look at us twice,

They want Terrence Mann.

Maybe we should just age more?

GIRL:
Have you seen how the show is all sold out today?
There's a school bus or two of kids from Idaho.

GIRL 2:
It's because some boy band member's cast in the play

And he's playing Enjolras to rake in the dough.

GIRL 3:
And the girls out there don't know

That a novel inspired Les Mis.

But they all want to play Eponine

Star in the show

And break into show biz.

ALL:
At the end of the play, it's another play over

With enough in our pockets to run for the bar.

Drink a cocktail, drink ten more

Keep on drinking as long as we're able

Keep on drinking, puke on the floor

And we've drunk ourselves under the table.

Then we make our drunken way

Back to do the next play.

(Factory girl oozes by, snatching a piece of paper from Fantine.)

FACTORY GIRL:
And what have we here, Miss Illustrious Diva?

Come on, Fantine, let's have all the news.

Ooh, it looks like your contract has ended

Next month someone much younger is filling your shoes.

FANTINE:
Give that letter to me, it is none of your business.

It's your biggest role yet, and you're, what, thirty-six?

In a few years, you too, will be feeling the pressure

Of being surrounded by much younger chicks!

(Factory girl drags her to the floor and lays the smackdown. Enter Valjean.)

VALJEAN:
Will someone tear these two apart?

What is this fighting all about?
This—well, I guess it is a circus.

Still, come on ladies, settle down!
My nerves were tried enough today

By that stoned-out Bishop clown.

I look to you to sort this out,

I'm going to go and take a p—

FOREMAN: (Interrupting)
Now someone say who started this!

FACTORY GIRL:

At the end of the play, she'll get standing ovations!
And her solos will bring the entire house down.

There's a lot she gets to sing

You can bet she's enjoying the spotlight

You can bet she loves dying onstage in her nightgown.

I confess, I don't like it.

FANTINE:

Yes, it's true I'm accustomed to playing the diva

And it's true your tone stinks and you're constantly flat.

And your acting is clearly not worthy of Streep,

So you get the small roles,

What's the matter with that?

ALL:
At the end of the play, she takes Jean up to heaven!
So she's there at the start and comes back when it's done.

While we're playing six hundred roles each,

She's out chilling backstage and relaxing

Like she's lying on a beach

While our roles are exhausting and taxing.

But of course she gets more pay

At the end of the play!

FOREMAN:

I might have known they would complain

I might have known this would occur

I might have guessed it when they cast you.

Ah yes, the pretty young Fantine

Sweet, innocent, not quite nineteen.

You think the audience is dumb?

You're old enough to be my mum!

I'm s'posed to flirt and have my fun

But not with Mrs. Robinson!

FACTORY GIRL:
She's played quite enough roles

Now it's time to step down!

GIRLS:
Now this queen of the stage

Should relinquish her crown.

FACTORY GIRL:

Give it up, act your age!

GIRLS:

Time to act your age!

FOREMAN:
Right, my girl. Off the stage!