Wow, I've been gone a long time haven't I? Well that's why I'm posting twice today.. Anyway here's chapter seven.. Her ending's a little rushed because I wasn't sure how to end…. Actually I think this chapter kind of drags on and I don't find it all that funny, but since I've been working on it since September 2005 I'm not going to complain too much about it. Beware of grammar errors as I don't have time to correct them. My bus will pull up any minute now. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Uh, ya think?
-/-
In some ways it had a little to do with being an Uchiha, and not just any Uchiha but the first born of Uchiha Sasuke and Sakura, but it mostly it had a lot to do with just being a naturally bright boy. Though he was far from being arrogant about it Sano was very aware of how smart he was and eagerly awaited the day that he'd be old enough and/or attained complete mastery over all his motor skills (whichever came first) to enter the ninja academy and follow in his father's footsteps.
In any case the point was that Sano was intelligent, knew he was, and yet for some unexplainable reason despite the brain power of his four and a half year old mind he thought taking rides in a dryer, with it set on high, was a good idea. Furthermore he thought taking rides in dryers with two little babies was a good idea and would have done just that had Tezuka not wisely pointed out that there wasn't enough room inside for Sano, Touya, and Akari. Sano was, however, not one to let such a minor detail spoil the fun and just as Tezuka wisely pointed out he cleverly suggested that Touya and Akari go after him together. They were so small that they could count as one toddler. Even the much older (by three years) Tezuka could not argue against such logic and with the little problem settled he opened the dryer door so the Uchiha heir could climb inside, but we're getting ahead of ourselves. To properly appreciate and understand this supreme lapse of judgment we must go back to earlier today.
-/-
"Bye Hinata-chan! Don't worry. Me and Akari-chan will be just fine!" Naruto yelled, giving his wife an energetic wave as he watched her walk away with her friends.
There was Uchiha Sakura, his pink haired ex-teammate and the former Sasuke enthusiast Nara Ino. Weapon specialist Hyuuga Tenten and the copy ninja's wife Hatake Kurenai. The Godaime and current Hokage Tsunada and Shizune. The pig TonTon… Wait a minute.
"Hey why is Baa-chan going with you to the spa? Shouldn't she be behind a desk drunk off her ass?" Poor Naruto never saw the Hokage's fist coming.
"Hokages need a break every once in a while." Tsunada said, dusting off her hands while Naruto's body gave brief little twitches of life. "And women Hokages need them especially." The blond ninja sat up with a groan and a black eye.
"But who's taking care of the village if you're going on break?" He shot Tsunada a questioning glare. "And what do you need a break for anyway? All you do is get drunk, gamble, and sleep."
"Well you like to pick in between your toes with old chopsticks, but you don't see me telling the whole world." She gave him another hit for insinuating that she did not work.
"You just did!" Naruto yelled at her back as walked away and passed a very green five month pregnant Sakura.
-/-
"Hmpf!" Naruto grumbled picking up his daughter from her crib and flopping into his favorite easy chair. "We're fine, aren't we Akari-chan? We don't need to call Sasuke-teme." His daughter replied by smiling a mouth full of gums and clapping her hands. "That's right. Tou-chan can handle you for a day." At least he hoped he could. After all it wasn't the first time Hinata had left him alone with their daughter, but this was the first time she had left the house to do so. "Maybe.." No! Naruto shook his head firmly, refusing to doubt himself. He was responsible. He could take care of his own daughter. He did not need help, especially from Sasuke, and-What was that horrific smell? "A-Akari-chan?" He looked down at his little girl. Her round face held the deepest look of concentration, bright blue eyes screwed shut and tiny hands clenched into fists.
"Oh God no." Naruto moaned. The stench got worse.
-/-
"Okay, we're ready." Though some might have viewed it as extreme Naruto had thoroughly prepared to change his daughter's diaper. He'd slipped a gas mask on over his face, donned a pair of latex gloves and a blue apron, and had even managed to scrounge up his tools and tool belt(which had gone missing after he went Mr. Fix-It on the sink and water spouted from the stove for days). Pulling a pair of pliers from his belt to clamp the sides of Akari's diaper with he slowly and gently eased the cloth open. "Oh Dear God! What has your mother been feeding you?" The pliers dropped to the floor as Naruto cringed away from the soiled diaper. Had it not been for his gas mask he was sure his eyes would have watered. How could something so horrendous come from his sweet, baby girl? "Okay, okay, it's just a little baby poop. I've faced worst. I can change a diaper." Pliers back in hand and clamping the edges of the cloth Naruto took another tentative peek inside. "I need a specialist."
-/-
Sasuke arrived with Sano and his Cujo-like dog surprisingly fast(Naruto suspected that someone had tipped the Uchiha off).
"Why did you bring that thing?" Naruto asked, casting a wary glance the dog's way and as if sensing the blond ninja's eyes on him the dog turned its massive, shaggy head and growled. Naruto silently congratulated himself for not flinching The beast could smell fear.
"I had a check-up today, Naruto-oji-chan!" Sano proudly yelled, pumping a small fist into the air. "Tou-chan said big boys don't cry when they get a needle and I didn't cry at all." Naruto watched in utter fascination as Sano ran up to the Uchiha pet and pounced on the big hound's back. Other than whipping its wide head around to give the boy's face a lick with its long, pink tongue the dog did nothing. Why that thing was always growling and snapping at him, Sasuke, and just about every other male ninja was a mystery to him. Even Akamaru, who actually had a few good inches of height on the beast, treaded softly around the Uchiha hound. "Tou-chan promised I could bring one thing if I behaved like a big boy and I chose Momo." That explained why it was here, but why had such a big, mean dog been given a cute name? Cerberus would have fitted its personality better.
"Naruto." Said ninja jumped, slightly startled and suddenly remembering Sasuke was still there. "Where's Akari-chan?"
"On the changing table." He replied, hooking a thumb towards the nursery. Sasuke frowned.
"You left your daughter on the changing table?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Waaaaaaaaaah!"
-/-
"Damn dog." Naruto growled while wrapping a bandage around his bleeding calf. Momo growled back.
"It's not his fault you were stupid enough to leave a baby unattended on a changing table. You didn't think she'd roll off?"
"She's never rolled off before."
"Has Hinata ever left her alone before?" Sasuke countered while he dabbed a little cream on the small bump on Akari's head.
"No." Naruto miserably grumbled. He stared guiltily at where his daughter sat in Sasuke's lap. She was sucking a pacifier and holding perfectly still while her godfather applied a bandage to her battle wound. Naruto idly wondered if she would have been that calm if her were the one tending to her. If Momo hadn't sunk his fangs into Naruto's ankles when he'd heard Akari start crying he would have found out.
"She's not dead." Personally Sasuke thought Naruto should be grateful that it was just a tiny bump. The table wasn't that high off the ground and Akari had been more scared than hurt. "You're not the first parent who's ever let their child fall off a changing table and I doubt you'll be the last." The first time father gave a shrug.
"It doesn't matter if I'm the second or the sixtieth parent who's done it. I should have known not to do it in the first place." Sasuke sighed tiredly before leaning forward and boxing the side of Naruto's head. "What the hell was that for?"
"Get off the pity pony, dobe. It doesn't suit you."
"No one's a perfect parent, I know-"
Akari interrupted the conversation with a loud wail that dropped her pacifier out of her mouth and into Momo's awaiting jaws. The hound quickly slinked away to "play" with his new toy before it could be taken away.
"Akari-chan, you can't need to be changed again." Naruto took his daughter back, slipped his index finger inside her diaper and pulled his hand back so he could peek inside. "Totally dry."
"She's probably hungry." Naruto nodded in understanding before depositing Akari into her high chair and unbuttoning his shirt. "What the hell are you doing?" Naruto couldn't possibly be that stupid. There was just no way he was that stupid.
"This is the way Hina-chan always feeds her." The blond ninja answered, reaching for Akari. Sasuke knocked his chair over in his hurry to slap Naruto's hands away.
"You don't have breast, dumbass!" Was he planning to scar his daughter for life? Naruto snorted in laughter, walked over to his refrigerator, and opened it to reveal that the door was lined with filled baby bottles labeled with the time that they were to be given to Akari.
"You should have seen the look on your face." In favor of giving him an actual response Sasuke simple glared holes into the back of Naruto's head while watching him quickly heat the bottle. "Here you go, Akari-chan." Now properly pacified with a meal his daughter quieted down and the two fathers relaxed.
"Dumbass!" Sasuke's neck whipped around so fast he felt and heard the bones snap. "Dumbass!" He was so dead. Sakura was going to murder him.
"Sanosuke!"
-/-
Any parent worth their salt knew that children had greedy little ears that were always ready to snatch up new and interesting words. Any parent worth their salt should have told Uchiha Sasuke that. Had he been armed with this knowledge he probably would not have spent the better part of two and a half hours convincing his son that 'dumbass' was not a word that good little boys used and that unless he wanted to upset his mother, or get his father in trouble, he would never use that word again. Sano promised, crossed his heart and hoped to die even, that he'd never say 'dumbass' again, but let's not put too much faith in the memory of a four year old.
-/-
Television was absolutely, totally, and completely amazing. Its hypnotic effect on children was something Naruto had never appreciated until now. The only problem was that The Wiggles marathon was driving him up the wall crazy and judging from how badly Sasuke's eye was twitching and the amount of times he had stabbed himself with his needle the marathon was killing him too. Of course The Wiggles shut up his daughter and godson so Naruto was willing to sacrifice sanity (and Sasuke willingly sacrificed his fingers to the needle) for a little peace and quiet.
"How's Kyuubi doing? His head back on yet?" Blood spurted from Sasuke's thumb.
"That answer your question?" Sasuke extracted the needle from his skin and went back to work on Kyuubi, all the while cursing his luck… and The Wiggles. "Do me a favor and teach Akari-chan how to respect the property of others."
"Wait! Teme!" How dare that jerk imply that his daughter was to blame? She was only a few months old and it wasn't like she knew any better. "You're trying to say that was Akari-chan's fault, aren't you? Why don't you teach Sano-chan how to share?"
"My son doesn't have a problem with sharing, dobe." Naruto was crazy if he thought this was Sano's fault. Kyuubi belonged to his son and he had every right to react the way he did. None of this would have happened if Akari hadn't tried to take the plush in the first place.
"Well my daughter doesn't have problems with her manners." He wasn't just implying. Sasuke was putting the blame on Akari. How? Sano had started it when he refused to let her play with Kyuubi and tried to take it from her.
"It's your brat's fault!"
"Brat!"
"Tou-chan?" Sano tugged on his father's shorts either oblivious to or ignoring the way Sasuke and Naruto were glaring, practically growling, and looked ready to maul each other. "Tou-chan?" Sasuke brushed his hand away.
"Not now."
"But the door Tou-chan!" Sano jumped up on his toes fisting both his hands on his father's clothes and then dropped down nearly taking Sasuke's shorts with him. "Someone's at the door!" He continued tugging while pointing down at the door where persistent knocking could be heard.
"You should get that." Sasuke glared.
"Your son told you." Naruto glared back. He wasn't going to lose to this baby accusing jerk.
"It's your house and your door." Damn him for being right!
-/-
"Neji? What are you doing here?" Had yet another veteran father been tipped off. Was he here to help too? Did no one trust him?
"Here." Neji said, thrusting a warm, sleeping bundle into Naruto's arms. "I need you to watch Touya for a while." Naruto stared down at the baby in his hands.
"Why are you giving me Lee's kid?" The baby was undeniably the son of Rock Lee. He had incredibly thick eyebrows for a baby and the same inky black hair as his father though fortunately it was much to short to be styled into the bowl cut that Lee and Gai was known for.
"I have a mission. It shouldn't be more than a few hours, but Sasuke's with you, right?" Naruto nodded dumbly still wondering what reason Hyuuga Neji could possibly have for dumping someone else's kid on him. "Good, then you can watch them both."
"Them both? Them both who?" For such an accomplished ninja it shouldn't have taken so long for him to notice the two little boys, more specifically his twin nephews Tezuka and his younger brother (by one minute and forty-three seconds) Kaoru Hyuuga, standing at Neji's sides.
"Here's the baby bag, Naruto-oji-sama." Baby bag? Then Neji was serious? He was going to leave these children with him and Sasuke? That was three more kids than Naruto was willing to try to handle!
"Wait." Kaoru squeezed passed Naruto's legs and ran into the house. "Wait." Tezuka shoved his way through and followed after his brother. "Wait." Touya began fussing and squirming in his hold. "Wait a minute!" When he looked back up all he could see of Neji was his retreating back. "Agh! You bastard!"
"Waaaaaah!"
-/-
"Okay, he's not hungry. He doesn't need to be changed. He doesn't want to nap or play and he doesn't have gas." Touya had started crying the moment Neji had left and hadn't stopped since. Not even The Wiggles could appease him.
"You've covered the basics and still don't know what's wrong." Sasuke had found a new hobby. Nothing beat watching Naruto struggle with a baby and utterly fail.
"If you can't say something useful, shut up."
"Here's something useful. Maybe he just doesn't like you." After receiving a highly skeptically look he held out his hands. "Give him to me." Touya became silent seconds after being placed in his hands.
"That doesn't prove anything."
"No, but this does." Sasuke held the baby out to Naruto.
"Waaaaah!" He pulled the baby back. "…." He moved the baby back towards Naruto. "Waaaaah!" He moved him back. "…" Towards. "Waaaaah!" Back. "…"
"Looks like he likes me more." Sasuke lightly tossed him into the air, smiling when Touya squealed in laughter. "Can you say Sasuke, Touya-chan."
"Tch, good luck with that one." Lee hadn't even gotten his son to say Daddy yet, or any variation of the word, and he actually thought he could teach him to say 'Sasuke'?
"Sas-sas-sas! Sas!" Touya said, smiling widely and showing off the few stubs of teeth he had in his mouth. Naruto swore he heard them go 'Ping!'
"Close enough." Sasuke was really starting to get annoying.
-/-
"Naruto! What's taking so long? You got molasses up your ass?" Sasuke snickered as he watched Naruto curse out his stove and then, apparently forgetting that he was bare footed, kick the kitchen appliance just to hop around the room on one foot howling in pain. "The kids are hungry."
"What did I tell you about saying something useful?" Good for nothing freeloader. "I'd have food on the table faster if you'd help." Sasuke just smiled and shook his head.
"That would spoil my fun." He knew it. Naruto couldn't cook to save his life unless the food had 'Instant' stamped all over it. "Why don't you admit defeat and make ramen?"
"I can cook. I just-I just need a more simple recipe." He fell back on an old cliché', "Cooking for Dummies".
"Aa, the dobe's guide to cooking." Sasuke could practically see him burst into flames at that comment, but Naruto continued to diligently work. He was soon splattered with food and staring proudly at his creation. "I can't believe it's not ramen." It was in fact a stack of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but still it wasn't ramen.
"Made from scratch and you said I couldn't cook."
"You dobe. PB and J sandwiches a chef do not make." Naruto scoffed.
"It's not ramen. You-" Kaoru ran into the kitchen nearly slamming into Naruto's legs. "Whoa, I know you're hungry, but-"
"Naruto-oji-sama, they're putting the babies in the dryer!"
"What?"
"Aaaaaaaah!" THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! Sasuke was out of his chair and running before Naruto could even register the sound. He came in just behind Sasuke to see him wrench the dryer door open. Sano flew out and into Naruto's opened arms.
-/-
Sano had been a little shaken from his spin the dryer (and easily topped Akari rolling off a table), but no real harm was done. Except when Sasuke beat Naruto bloody for laughing during the middle of his lecture and Naruto beat him right back for failing to see what was funny about children being so bored that they decide to take rides in dryers.
-/-
The day went on from there with few mishaps (Naruto discovered the difference between changing a baby boy's diaper and changing a baby girl's. Stand clear!) and eventually the hour when the wives (and Neji) would be back approached.
"Nothing left to do now, but bathe them." Sasuke said, seemingly out of the blue.
"Do we have too?" Naruto groaned from where he laid on the floor. Minutes ago he'd been trapped in a free for all wrestling match with Sano and Tezuka.
"Akari-chan has jelly in her hair." Sasuke answered.
"How'd that get there anyway?"
"Sano-chan slapped his sandwich on her head, remember?"
"Oh yeah." Naruto hadn't budged.
"I'll take, Sano-chan, Kaoru-kun, and Tezuka-kun." Touya hated him, but that still left the babies to Naruto, and-Wait a minute! Sano, Kaoru, and Tezuka were all old enough to bathe themselves! Sasuke had left him with all the real work again!
-/-
Touya's bath was extremely quick as true to form the baby had taken aim and fired the moment air touched his skin, plus he wouldn't stop screaming and biting Naruto. Akari's bath was a much more pleasant experience and it was during the middle of it that Sano wandered in squeaky clean and smelling of soap. The little Uchiha walked right up to Naruto, took one look at Akari in her little tub and screamed, "The Snake-Man cut her wickie off!" Later Naruto would learn that there were certain advantages to telling your children little white lies like, "Sano-chan, behave or the Snake-Man will kidnap you and cut your wickie off", but that is another story.
fin
"I can't believe it's not ramen." Corniest line ever right? Well I might have golf practice this afternoon so the earliest the next chapter will be posted is 6'o clock tonight. See ya then.