CHAPTER GOD KNOWS WHAT!

A/N- I know, I know, long time no see. But I'm soooooo happy, I'm back from a two week holiday and I've gotten very flattering reviews from a Missy Lynne (!!!!4 am!!!!), Suzumi's wings, and my favourite usual reviewer Islingnton bus no 199. I have three other reviewers who don't really review, but I'm glad they actually managed to get through my story. Read on and review this time (pleeease).

Portia walked out with Brutus.

'Speech,' she announced, causing everybody to scream, 'Noble noble Brutus!!! Talk man!' and Caesar to snort simultaneously.

'My dear Romans,' Brutus began, but was interrupted by the door banging open to let in a tall masked man dressed all in black with a cape he kept tripping on.

The evil guy.

'So,' the masked man began, 'having a fun time here, are we? Thinking I cannot hear you? Drinking coke, eating-,' his forehead crinkled up in disgust, 'pizza, and imagining that you can save the poor old guy whom I have so cleverly kidnapped, simply by hearing noble Brutus' speech. Really, people, you make me SICK!!! I was added in Shakespeare's story, as nothing, nothing at all. I wasn't a main character, despite my extraordinary genius, no, no, no. it was Caesar, and Antony, and Brutus, and Cassius, and Octavius who got all the main roles, and I was portrayed as complete shit. Well, it's not like that any more, dear friends, say hello to Dr. Evil, my new nameHahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!'

He laughed in his insane way as everybody else struggled to stifle their laughter, seeing the very big gun in his hands.

'So,' Dr. Evil continued, 'I have realized that with the control of my Magic Laptop, I can control you all…'

'Wait,' said Portia, 'I thought Shakespeare could do that.'

'No, sweetie,' corrected Dr. Evil, 'anyone with his laptop could do that. hahahahahahahaha!'

'Do continue,' Portia said, as if she found his laughs boring.

'You were plotting against Shakespeare all this time, weren't you?' said the doctor, 'and you haven't realized, that it is me, me who was pretending to be Shakespeare all this while. I had gotten a free plastic surgery for being ugly enough (see chapter one), and I chose Shakespeare's face. The real Shakespeare's memory was removed, but he had some idea of what was happening, so I disposed of him-,'

'The old guy!' shrieked Portia.

'You're not to interrupt,' said Dr. Evil, trying to reach for a glass of coke, but tripping on his cape in the process. He stopped himself from falling by holding on to a pillar with golden angels on it. On pulling himself together, he said, 'Interrupting reduces the dramatic effect of what I am saying. So, what was I saying? Oh yes, your old guy was the real Shakespeare. He was put on a diet of porridge and corn, which made him very thin and unrecognizable to the rest of you. He had no idea of who he was, but he soon had almost broken the memory charm-,'

'Like Barty Crouch Sr.?' Cassius asked.

'This is not "Harry Potter",' said Dr. Evil, 'but if you insist, yes, like Barty Crouch. He almost told Portia of what was happening, quite like Barty told Harry, after convincing her that she was a boy, yes, yeaaaaaaaas, that was funny. The fake hormone transplant and all that. and the love triangle I created, thereby proving my genius.'

'What love triangle?' Portia asked curiously, as Caius closed his eyes, preparing himself for disaster.

'I cannot tell now,' said Dr. Evil, 'it would ruin my plot. Anyway, Shakespeare was a great fan of lollipops, so I kidnapped him with the help of those. He is under my control now, as are the rest of you-,'

'Wait,' said Caius, 'that's like, the Imperius Curse. Barty Crouch was under it, are any of us-?'

'Very clever,' said Evil, 'but no, you are under the power of my laptop. However one of you is under the curse-,'

'What's the Imperius Curse?' asked Portia.

'It's a curse which allows you full control of the recipient. You can make him do whatever you want. It can be fought, of course, but that's next to impossible. The recipient here was weak-,'

'But it also sentences you to a lifetime in Azkaban-,' Caius screamed.

'What's that?' Portia asked, as Dr. Evil explained, 'It's the wizard prison.'

'So you're goin' dowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn,' said Caius cheerfully.

'No I'm not, since I'm a muggle,' said Dr. Evil and then explained the term, 'non magic human being. Azkaban is a wizard prison, but I am not a wizard, so no Azkaban for me.'

'"Harry Potter," huh?' said Portia, suddenly wishing that she had read the book.

'So how was the Imperius curse used?' Caius asked.

Dr. Evil sucked in a deep breath and said, 'My head assistant is a wizard, and my assistant is well, just another muggle. I will call them here, one by one. Head assistant to appear! He, who so greatly used the Imperius curse! Get in here!'

Everybody held in their breath, as Lucius Malfoy apparated in the limelight. (For those of you who have read 'Harry Potter', good, but if you haven't, Brutus' boy servant shares his name with a character in the book, who isn't exactly the nicest person. If you've seen the movie, he is Draco Malfoy, that blond guy's father. I'm so very sorry for mixing the two.)

'Lucius!' cried Brutus, 'hi!'

'Shut up, ex-boss, who never let me sleep,' snarled Lucius.

'My assistant to appear!' yelled Dr. Evil, as Calphurnia stepped in, pushing her glasses further up her nose. Caesar gasped in shock.

Dr. Evil stepped between them, hands on his hips and all that. He took his super-laptop out of his very big pocket and screamed, 'This was Shakespeare's very own, due to which I have kept you in this fake heaven for so many years, not letting you grow, so that I can play with your lives, since you are all servants to this machine, which is a servant to me!'

'Not anymore!' grinned Caius, and snatched the laptop from Dr. Evil's hands, and threw it to Portia, who caught it on the tips of her fingers, and passed it to Brutus, who caught it immediately and passed it to Antony, who caught it, rotated it on his finger like a basketball player and threw it to Octavius-

'Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!' screamed Dr. Evil, 'no, no, no!!!!!!!'

-who was unaware of what was happening. It landed on his head, bounced off it, and went flying into Titinius' hands.

'Ow,' said Octavius, rubbing his head.

Lucius Malfoy grinned. The laptop was now in his hands. Titinius had passed it to him.

Portia stared at Titinius angrily, 'Tity, why?'

'Traitor!' yelled Caius, 'I trusted you.'

'Haha,' said Dr. Evil, who now had the laptop back safely in his arms.

'Wait,' said Portia, trying to stop Caius from strangling Titinius, 'I don't think it's his fault.'

'Then whose fault is it? His terrible skills at playing ball?'

'No, Caius, I think he's that one person who has the Imperius curse on him.'

'Very clever,' said Dr. Evil, 'it was placed very carefully by Lucius, who made him do all those lovey dovey things, in order to make the story interesting. Cassius, you've been going out with a puppet. My puppet.'

'I hate your story!' yelled Caius, 'I hate your love triangle! I hate what you did to Titinius! I hate you!'

'You know about the love triangle,' said Portia, 'why didn't you tell me? I tell you ALL the gossip I know.'

'Later,' said Caius, 'now is not the time.'

'But you knew all along! Why didn't you tell me! I'm your best friend! I bet everyone else knows!'

'Brutus is vaguely aware,' said Dr. Evil.

'Brutus, you tell me!' Portia sure loved her gossip.

'Um.' said Brutus.

'Like I said,' said Dr. Evil, 'vaguely aware.'

'Oh,' said Portia, 'well, since my own best friend is hiding things from me, why don't you tell me, doctor?'

'No, I had it very nicely planned and all,' said Dr. Evil, 'you would be heartbroken and all…'

'I'm involved?' said Portia, 'wow. Do tell Caius.'

'I'm also involved,' said Caius bitterly.

'WAIT!' yelled Dr. Evil, 'this is my moment. The love triangle gets revealed later. Later. But for the time being, Titinius is out of it, since he's under the curse. I had dragged him in this so nicely, you know…'

'Shut up!' screamed Portia. And since Dr. Evil wasn't clever enough to keep his laptop somewhere safe, but in his hands, Portia lunged for it.

'Nothin' doin',' he said, and stepped backward, the laptop still in his hands. Unfortunately for him, though, right after stepping backward, he tripped on his cloak, causing his precious machine to fall to the floor shatter into a million pieces (approximately).

'Oops,' said Dr. Evil.

'Ha!' said Portia.

'Get him!' said everyone else.

They all lunged at him, but Lucius had, just in time, with a wave of his wand (magic wand. A big, black one), constructed a magical barrier around them.

The crowd bumped into the barrier and hurt themselves.

'You mustn't forget the wizard with me, and my very big gun,' said Dr Evil, grinning his evil smile, and waving his gun around.

'You laptop is dead though,' said Portia triumphantly, causing Dr. Evil's smile to turn into a sob.

'Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!' he wailed, trying to wipe the tears in his eyes.

'No probs-,' said Lucius, 'Reparo-wait, where's my wand?'

'With me!' said Antony happily, 'I sneaked up behind you some time back and took it out.' He took the wand out and snapped it into two pieces.

'Ouch,' said Lucius.

'Well,' said Dr. Evil, 'there's still the gun.' He shot a bullet into the air, which hit the ceiling, making a visible hole, just so that he could prove that his bullets could escape the barrier.

'But,' said Portia, 'you can't control us now.'

'Then I might write a play and make actors act in it,' said Dr. Evil, wiping out a sad tear, 'but that's not the point. I hated you guys, but more so, I hated Shakespeare. I wanted to take the credit for what he had done, and then, for my entertainment, control you guys. There was something on that laptop that gave me this power, and I took it. Do you know how the universe works? No? Well, then, let me explain. It starts with a writer, or something of that sort. I'm just using that example, because that's what is most relevant here. He writes, and while doing that, unconsciously thrusts his life force into his characters, making them alive. Many of you writers don't realize your power over your characters. I, however, was a character in a play by Shakespeare, who realized this very fact after my death. I came out of my box and to his level, and took his power. I could make you live forever in this heaven that I invented. I could've written my own story, no doubt, but I wanted to mess with his characters, for what he did to me.'

'Whatever,' mumbled Caius.

'There's no point in hiding from the truth, Mr. Caius Cassius,' said Dr. Evil.

'No one here got a word you said,' said Caius.

'Not even the gist?' Dr. Evil asked hopefully.

'Some gist,' said Caius, 'you, with your mighty pen, control people. That's like, what God does. And that makes you God, and that is not even remotely possible. That proves that you are lying. QED.'

Everyone cheered at Caius' statement.

'Don't be stupid,' said Dr. Evil, 'and do stop clapping. What I meant was, you guys are some guys' imagination. And I was too, until I stole that guy's place. Everyone is someone's imagination.'

'Your imagination is weird,' said Portia, 'and I don't mean us, I mean the things you think of.'

'You're just ignorant,' said Dr. Evil.

'You needn't explain this to them, sir,' said Calphurnia, who was thoroughly confused herself. She only worked for him for the highly generous salary anyway. It was a fair enough deal. She listened to his droning, and he paid her, even though she stuffed cotton into her ears almost all the time, without him realizing it. She was good at pretending to listen.

'All super-ultra-powerful-villians have to explain themselves in the end, assistant,' said Dr. Evil.

'They also reveal their identity, sir,' said Calphurnia.

'No, they do that in the extreme end.'

'Whatever you say sir.'

This all seemed to irritate Caesar who said, 'what's with the tiny clothes and spectacles, Calphurnia?'

'Oh, Caesar,' she cried, 'I have lived under your tyranny long enough!-

'Yeah!' yelled Caius in the background.

-'You didn't allow me to wear what I wanted, no small clothes, no pretty skirts, just a stupid toga! And you said that jobs weren't for women! But see how much I have earned without your help, as you lazed around. I am a rich woman now, more successful than you ever were. You never did listen to me, and I wonder now, why ever did I marry you? Why, Caesar, why? Do tell me…but no, you won't. Stupid man! Look at me now, what all I have done without you, I am an independent woman. I'm too good for you, and I ask for divorce.'

'What???' yelled Caesar.

'You heard me!' said Calphurnia.

'Wait! Wait! Wait!' said Dr. Evil, 'this is my moment. My evil confessions!!! Shut up or I'll fire you!'

Calphurnia stopped screaming and stood straight at her spot.

'Alright,' said Dr. Evil, 'change of plans because my laptop is broken. I am now a superhero who will conquer the world. I will have to get my cape shortened, of course, but you wait and see…'

Caius groaned. For how long would they have to listen to his crap?

I could help. The conscience had returned.

How?

You don't know who I really am. I'm much more than a conscience. I have, like, two jobs.

That's nice. Now please save us.

Fine. Pippity Poppity poo!!

Excuse me?

Um…fairy godmother here.

What?

Look ahead.

Caius looked up. And indeed, the fairy godmother stood there in all her glory. The real Shakespeare was standing next to her, licking his lollipop cheerfully.

A/N- sorry for mixing HP with this. Review, people, and I will love you.