Disclaimer: The characters you recognize are owned by Stephanie Meyer!!
R&R: Hey guys, I hope this isn't boring or anything, but I felt this had to be brought up. flinch
Light at the end of the tunnel
Part 4
Day 14
Nothing much has happened these past couple of days. I know that I was pretty cryptic last time. My relationship with my mum and dad is not quiet like how it use to be.
We use to laugh a lot, go to vacations a lot, and just be happy with each other. But that was a million years ago. I can't help but feel frustrated. All I want is for everything to be back to how it was before they sent me off to the boarding school.
For a while I thought Charlie and Renee were happy with each other. On the surface they looked so loving, that anybody who happen to see them just wouldn't be able to hide a smile.
But everything changed when I was 12. The fighting and the screaming started, I was frightened of Charlie because I've never seen his angry side before, and mum…How I wish she could smile at me again, but I haven't seen her smile at me for a very long time.
I was so confused of everything that was going on. I had no idea why they were fighting, all I knew was that I wanted them to stop. But I don't know what happened. We came from being a happy family, in to a broken one who didn't seem to know what to do with each other.
Before I knew it they both whisked me off to boarding school. Away from the two of them. I didn't hear anything from them for a while.
Then during winter I got a telegram from my parents telling me that they were divorced. It tore my world in to pieces. A part of me knew that it was because of me.
Maybe I wasn't a good enough daughter, maybe I was too much of an embarrassment. I don't know. All I know was that in a blink of an eye everything I've ever known just sort of disintegrated. I was never the same again.
And lets just say that I got mixed with the wrong people. But that's another story.
Day 23
Wow, I've actually been at Forks High for about three weeks now. I know I haven't written anything on this diary, but what the hell, did you miss me?
Okay, I'm a bit of a weirdo, I really shouldn't do that. So everything has been really weird. Alice is still crazy dragging me to the mall whenever she can, and Edward is still…Well, I don't know. That boy is so confusing! The day after the whole 'blood' incident I saw him in the morning.
As usual he still managed to take my breath away. I thought he was going to say hi, but I guessed wrong. He walked right pass me like the cold winter breeze.
He kept doing that for the rest of the day. I mean you know, fine, whatever, he can do whatever the hell he wants, but at least have the decency to greet someone, even if that someone is a complete loser. Look at me, I always say hi to Eric Yorkie, despite the fact that he spits when he talks.
But who cares, I thought to myself. Two can play the same game. So I ignored him too. Whenever I saw him, I just ignored him.
I honestly thought it was going to be easy, but you know, not so much. He does this thing where he dazzles me without even trying. His piercing eyes has such an effect on me that I walked face first straight in to a tree.
But days passed and suddenly everything changed. I was cleaning my locker before lunchtime when I felt the hair behind my neck stand up. I quickly turned and my eyes clashed with Edward's green eyes.
I noticed that he was standing very close, close enough that if I reached out, my fingers would lightly touch his face.
"Still ignoring me Bella?" he said softly, his Velvet voice leaving a hot trail across my face. I felt myself getting red. I know I should have moved, but I felt incapable of speech. His eyes felt like they were piercing my soul.
He inched closer. I took a step back.
I felt the cold surface of my locker behind my back. I was trapped. Edward's face got closer and closer while a thousand thoughts came rushing inside my head. Then his lips grazed my cheek and hovered just above my ears.
"You can't keep this up forever you know" his velvet voice sounded even more sultry.
I felt rooted to the spot, I didn't know what to do, and I certainly had no idea why he was doing this. After all, didn't he say he didn't like me in that way?
Then before Edward could inch closer, a rush of people came out of the classroom for lunchtime. Edward quickly created space between us and went off as his friends came along.
I got a feeling that Edward was suffering from a mild case of boy disease.
Hold on, I just received an email.
Day 23 (still)
Oh god, I can't breathe.
From:
To:
Subject: Home again
Hey Bells,
Yes, I know I haven't contacted you for quiet a while now. I'm just leaving you a message to let you know that I will be in Forks tomorrow. Tell your father I'll be there.
Be good to him.
Love,
Mum
0000000000000000000000000000000
I seriously don't know what to make of it. I haven't seen mum in a very long time. I miss her so much, I don't know why she's coming here. The last time I saw her she looked embarrassed to be my mother.
To be honest, I'm not sure if I'm ready for her just yet. I was just starting to get used to Charlie again.
What do I do?
Day 21
Today just went by in a blur. I was so engulfed with my own thoughts that I'm sure I've done a good job of cocooning my self. I walked around with a blank expression on my face while Alice chatted away about her shopping trip with Rosalie.
It took her ages to realize that I didn't have her attention, but when she did, her pretty face looked concerned.
"Bella are you alright? Is it about Edward?" she asked softly. I hastily looked around to see if anybody heard me and turned to her. "Shh! No it's not about him! The world doesn't revolve around him you know" I said matter-of-factly, though I probably should question my own personal little universe.
We were walking around the closest park so I nodded towards a bench. We both sat down and Alice sat there in silence. I just sort of sat there staring at the ducks, then I suddenly blurted 'Mum is coming home!' then looked at Alice's confused expression.
"That's great Bella!" then she trailed off, "That's a good thing right?" she asked uncertainly. I went quiet for a while and sighed. I needed to talk to someone anyway, it might as well be her.
"Mum and I don't get along, I'm pretty sure she hates me actually," I started, "But you know, it's not like I can do anything about that. It was all my fault anyways" I know my voice sounded sad. I started to quiver. I knew that any minute now I would be in tears.
"Bella, what are you talking about? I'm sure you're exaggerating, how can anyone hate you? You're the sweetest person I know" Alice said gently.
"I wasn't always like this. Alice you have no idea how screwed up I was back then…" I started, " When I found out that my parents got divorced I started to rebel against them. Doing stupid things just for the sake of pissing them off. Then I would tell them really hurtful stuff which I would regret later." I know that Alice could hear the pain in my voice.
"Renee pretty much gave up on me. Their visits started to get fewer and fewer over the years until they stopped visiting me at all" I felt myself starting to lose my strength. " I didn't want to go home, because I know that they both resented me. You have no idea how alone I felt. Everybody in my old school hated me!" I finally cried in agony.
I felt my heart starting to freeze over as that same familiar feeling started to take me over.
"I didn't know what to do Alice! So I decided to leave. When I showed up at Renee's doorstep the look of hatred was so clear on her face" I sobbed, my face on my hands.
"I wanted to wipe that expression away from both mum and dad's face, I wanted them to love me again! I wanted to wake up and know that I at least still have my parents love"
In a way, I'm still working on it. But it seems that the wrongs that I've done just wont right itself.
For the rest of the time I just cried and cried. Letting the pain ooze out of me. Alice kept rocking me back and forth holding me in her arms. Whispering soothing words and telling me that everything was going to be alright.
God how I wanted to believe her. But I just know tonight is going to be a disaster. I can feel it. But I can't keep thinking this way. After all, I have changed. I'm not the same girl as I was back in the boarding school.
I would never let my self go like that ever again. There is no way in hell.
And I will prove it to both my parents.
Day 22
Wow. All I can say is wow. Dinner was very interesting. Mum came at around 6 pm.
I heard a knock on the door so I quickly opened it to find mum surrounded by bags. She smiled at me, I couldn't help but notice that her smile didn't meet her eyes.
She reached for me and gave me a quick kiss. But instead of letting her get away, I hugged her tightly which surprised her greatly.
I know I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't help it, I haven't seen her in a long time. I started sobbing and wailing. "I miss you so much mum! Why didn't you call sooner?" I said, my voice sounding squeaky.
Mum just hugged me back, and we stayed like that for quiet sometime until Charlie told us to sit down, we were blocking the door way.
While Charlie got all of Renee's bags upstairs Renee and I caught up with each other, talking like we've never talked before. The whole time I stared at her, I didn't realize until I saw her just how much I missed her.
Renee stared back at me. "What? What's wrong? Do I have something on my face?" she asked, sounding paranoid. Looks like she was back to her old self too. I'm guessing Phil was treating her right.
After her divorce with Charlie, Renee was alone for quiet sometime until she met Phil. I can tell that she was clearly happy. Phil was a good guy. They were both living in Jacksonville now.
I just smiled at mum and shook my head. Mum gently stroked my face and smiled gently. I felt tears starting to bubble up to the surface, but I suppressed it.
"I'm so sorry for everything mum. For everything I've put you through, I'm so sorry. You must hate me huh?" my small voice threatened to crack and I quickly looked down, refusing to let her see that I was feeling just a little fragile.
"Oh sweet heart…come here" so I moved towards her, Mum held me in her arms and kissed my forehead. "I could never ever hate you, so don't ever think that again! No matter how stubborn you are, you will always be my daughter. Sure you've put me through a lot, but that's just part of growing up, I always knew that you would grow out of it. If anybody had to say sorry, it should be me" I felt her shaking, then she continued, "I let you down so badly, I gave up on you. And now I know I shouldn't have. I stopped visiting you, and just completely left you, you have no idea how hard that was for me!" then the tears that were threatening to come out finally came. We both sat down and just cried.
Charlie finally came down and we all ate in peace. We haven't had a dinner like this is a long while.
Renee later told me that she just came here to check on me and to see if I was fine. She was only going to be staying for about 5 days.
I know that everything is not exactly fine just yet. But everything was improving. I can feel it, everything was changing, I was changing. But for once, it was for the better.
I guess now all I've got left is to figure Edward out. Because of all the hype that's happened this week I completely forgot that I had another problem. I know I didn't mention it before, but now it just suddenly popped inside my mind.
The main project for theater class this year is Romeo and Juliet. Guess who just got the lead roles?
Yep, triple merde, Edward and I got the lead role. Excuse me while I go and have a mild heart attack!