I came up with this…in the shower. Though it wasn't cold, cos its winter.

I don't own d.gray-man unfortunately.

--

I like cold showers.

Well, not really, I actually detest them, they're so….Cold.

But I still have them, I do all I can to build up my endurance, and I was told when I was younger that's what they did, so every time, It's a cold shower, even in winter.

I try to see how long I can stand under the icy water before admitting defeat and getting out, to see how long I can take it.

I don't know what warm water feels like, because one warm shower would lead to another, and then soon enough, I'm taking hot showers, and have grown comfortable and my endurance is lessened, and to have your endurance lessened, even by the small amount gained by cold showers, is not a good thing.

Comfort does nothing to aid you in battle, and anything that didn't aid you only drags you down.

I was sitting in the cafeteria a few days ago, and I could hear Lavi and Allen talking at the table behind mine.

They were laughing at a funny story Komui had told them.

When I looked over at them, they invited me to join them, but I didn't, I just told them to stop acting like idiots and get serious. Lavi told me acting like kids is what kept them sane.

I think...Lavi and Allen and the others….They are like hot water.

I'm jealous of them, the way they're so close, the friendship they all share, the love they have for everyone around them, but I….

It's hard to explain.

If I started being friendly to them, and they were friendly back, and maybe I wouldn't feel as miserable as I do, though I don't show it.

Truth is, though I would never admit it even under torture, if I cared about the people in my life, in the order, and they died, I would be hurt, and I'm scared of getting hurt.

There, I friggen' said it!

I'm scared, that just as I found a good thing in this stupid, destructive life I would lose it suddenly.

Something can disappear just as suddenly as it appeared.

Lenalee says that each person in the order is like family, and when a person dies it's like a part of her dies.

It's that love that could easily rip a person apart, to cloud their judgement in battle.

That's how they are like hot water, and the way I deny myself of closeness, and family and friends to protect myself, that's my cold water.

I am an exorcist.

Nothing more then a human weapon.

I exist to destroy.

But…Beansprout said that we weren't destroying Akuma; we were saving their souls.

When he told me that, for a second, I felt kind of good, a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time; warm water.

But I quickly turned off the tap, and the shower ran cold again.

Am I being selfish?

Yes, I am, to protect myself.

If I grew close to any of them, I could end up dead, and I can't die, not yet.

I made up my mind a long time ago, I would give up my own self to find that person.

So why do I feel so hollow inside?

--

Kanda looked up. Lavi was sitting opposite him, staring out the train window. He and Allen were in the middle of a poker game, in which Lavi was losing, and Allen had briefly left to go to the bathroom.

Kanda remembered when Lavi first arrived at the order. He'd been cold and uncaring, much like the samurai, but over time, his heart had warmed greatly, and he'd become apart of the family, even though it was against his clan rules.

'Oi, Eyepatch.'

'Yes, Yu?' Lavi looked at him, smiling.

'Why are you happy?'

Lavi blinked in surprise and confusion, caught off guard by the unusual question.

'Well?' Kanda insisted 'Answer already.'

'I don't know, really,' Lavi shrugged, scratching his head, 'I guess it's cos of all my friends. I tell you, being a bookman is a pretty miserable life; I didn't realize how much I hated it until I experienced something different.'

'But aren't you afraid of what it will do to you if one of your friends die? Or what Bookman senior thinks?'

'Bookman isn't as smart as he thinks,' Lavi chuckled, 'And yeah, if a friend dies, of course I'll be sad, but I wont regret having friends, not one bit, because they made me so happy, and gave me so many memories, and I'd have to be strong for the other people around me. If a person isn't living for another person, he isn't living at all.'

Suddenly, the door opened and Allen came and sat down. Lavi dealt the cards.

'Ok, I'm definitely winning this round!'

'As if!' Allen laughed.

'Hey,' Kanda began, 'Can I play?'

Allen looked around in shock, his cards slipping from his hands. Lavi clutched his heart and pretended to faint. Kanda sweatdropped, thinking he was over-reacting slightly.

'Yu-Chan!' Lavi gasped from the ground, 'you're actually being…SOCIABLE?!'

'Just answer the damn question.' Kanda rolled his dark eyes.

'Of course you can!' Allen nodded, handing him some cards, 'You know how to play?'

'A bit, you'll need to give me a refresher course.'

--

That night, after they got back from their mission, Kanda went to the showers and undressed. He turned the cold tap, and stepped in, shuddering in discomfort as the icy water raked at his skin.

'Screw this,' He muttered.

He reached out and turned on the hot tap, and sighed as the water warmed, steam rising around him, and he felt a lot better.

Hot water wasn't that bad.

--

Ok, it was kinda retarded, but I think it represented Kanda quite well.

Review!111!!

Ok, we've seen inside Lenalee, Kanda, who next? Allen or Lavi?