A/N – Thanks to Missy Lynne for reviewing. Why doesn't anyone else even bother? My feelings have been hurt. I know I don't update regularly but if you have read this, why won't you review? I'm not blind, I've seen the number of hits.

If you are wondering why I don't update regularly, its because I am now working on a full proper novel about an evil princess, a couple of fairies, and a curse. And I'm naming a character after Melissa because she always reviews…though she hasn't reviewed the third last chapter (this is a hint and, yes, I am that desperate for reviews).

Oh, and, by the way, the previous chapters may be screwed up because this site has stopped accepting paragraph breakers or something. I'll do some editing before I post more chapters. But for now, read on.

When Caius opened his eyes, it was well past noon. The sun shone with its highest intensity and showered sunlight and happiness in all of mankind, save the people who had sinus problems, in which case, it showered headaches.

'My head hurts,' said Caius at once. He looked around himself, and saw Brutus, Portia, and Casca with their eyes wide open, staring into empty space.

'Huh?' said Casca, who was busy playing a video game (Mario, to be precise) with an admirable audience consisting of Brutus, who clapped and applauded at every jump and murder of monsters which strangely resembled mushrooms. He even clapped when Casca lost sometimes ('It was a really nice fall,' explained Brutus.), and that annoyed Casca, but the best things in life come with a price tag. Brutus' clapping at the right moments came along with his clapping at the wrong one's too.

'It's probably because of my sinus infection. My doctor said I have one,' said Caius.

'You don't go to a doctor, you're scared of them,' Portia reminded Caius, 'it's probably because you overslept that you have a headache. You should've gotten up with us - we got up at seven - and used your time more productively. We've done loads of work without you. I hope you've learnt an important lesson. Early to bed and early to rise makes man, and woman – for women are superior – healthy, wealthy, and wise. You must follow this schedule everyday. Excessive sleep acts like a drug, Caius, it - '

'What productive thing did you do?' said Caius. He closed one of his eyes so half of his brain could rest while the other half listened to Portia's dull monotone.

'Well,' said Portia, who did not feel like admitting that all she had done was having watched T.V, 'we decided that we should call Titinius so that he can tell us how to escape hell. He left last night. I suppose he got bored of watching us sleeping – I take this as an insult, of course. I think we look very nice asleep, and that he should have had the decency to join us in our adventure to the hidden world of dreams.'

'I dreamt I had a pet rock; I named her "Rocky",' said Caius cheerfully, 'she was ever so loyal. She listened to everything I had to say ever so nicely. She had the patience of, well, a rock. She never got angry at me, for whatever reason.'

'I see,' said Portia.

'I miss her already,' said Caius, shaking his head sadly, 'I wished that dreams would continue forever.'

The doorbell rang and interrupted Caius' memories of his precious pet. It was Titinius.

'Hello all,' he said, bowing low and taking off his hat (which looked like it belonged to the sixteenth century and clashed horribly with his gold-platinum lined goggles) and hanging it neatly on a hat-stand. ('I always wondered what that thing's use was,' Caius told Portia, referring to the hat-stand.)

'It is very nice to meet you once again,' he said. He had obviously noticed everyone was giving him blank, confused looks.

'Its nice too see you too Tity, I mean Titinius,' said Portia,

'You look as beautiful as ever, Miss. Catonis,' said Titinius, as Portia raised her eyebrows.

'Your name's Catonis?' asked Caius, 'that's really neat.'

'I think we should get back to business,' said Portia, 'tell us your story.'

'I shall try. But no one must disturb me like they did yesterday,' said Titinius. He looked very pointedly at Caius.

'The movie was Portia's fault, not mine,' said Caius at once, eager to get the blame off himself.

'Hmph,' said Portia.

'We must stop blaming each other and get to work immediately,' said Titinius.

'You started it!' said Caius, folding him arms and staring at the ceiling.

'What did I say?' asked Titinius hotly.

'You looked at me in a funny way and subtly suggested that it was me who didn't allow you to tell your story last time – hey, do you know the "b" in "subtle" is silent?'

'I did not suggest anything!' protested Titinius, 'and everyone knows that the "b" is silent, what are you, stupid?'

'You're mean!' said Caius.

'Stop fighting,' said Portia, 'I take all the blame for yesterday…that doesn't mean you throw popcorn on me Casca -,' she dodged a flying piece of popcorn which ultimately landed in Caius' mouth, '- so now you tell us your story.'

'Well,' said Titinius, 'the guard asked me if I had done anything wrong, and I was like, 'no', then the guard was all like, 'but hadn't you killed yourself, and that too, by yourself, and not by a third person?' Then I said, 'Maybe. And the term you want to use is "second person", not "third person". Then the guard – who, I may add, was a disgusting and a very ugly cockroach – said, 'you're smart.' So I bribed him and he said, 'okay, you're free to go to heaven.'

'That's it?' said Portia, her eyebrows raised.

'Yeah, what were you expecting?' said Titinius.

'Sword-fights, dragons, nuclear bombs, and, yes, giant chessboards, doors with locks which had keys that could fly, riddles and bottles containing poison – opening the right one would involve logic, and, of course, a direct confrontation with Lord Vol – I mean, you-know-who.'

'What?'

'Something cooler than a simple bribe,' explained Portia.

'Life doesn't work like that,' said Titinius.

Caius yawned very widely and obviously.

'Are you saying,' said Brutus, 'that we save Pinadrius and Strato by bribing the cockroach guards.'

'It's the only option,' said Caius.

'But bribing is wrong!' cried Brutus. His eyes were wide open, and opened even wider as the horror of the situation hit him.

'So is being obscenely rich,' said Caius, 'and using protection.'

'Uh,' said Brutus. He was now terribly confused and went back to watching Casca play Mario.

'What will a cockroach do with money?' wondered Portia.

Titinius was happy that Brutus and Cassius had come up with the idea of bribing someone and had let him take all the credit, but he had no clue as to what a cockroach would do with money.

'They'll buy their lunch with it, obviously,' said Caius, 'I don't think their salary is very large, and they must feed themselves to survive.'

'Uh, I was going to say just that,' said Titinius.

'Well, then, it's settled,' said Portia happily.

Then the fairy godmother appeared.

'I have baked cookies for everyone!' she announced.

Everyone except Titinius pounced on a big blue bag hanging on her shoulder.

'I'm on a diet,' explained Titinius.

'Hey,' said Caius, 'there's nothing in this bag. YOU HAD SAID YOU BAKED COOKIES!'

The fairy godmother laughed. She continued laughing for five minutes, and after that she said, 'but I hadn't said I put them in this bag.'

'Well, so, it seems like the problem is solved thanks to my extraordinary genius,' said Titinius, puffing his chest out and beaming at everyone.

'But how are we going to get to hell?' said Portia.

'Titinius has a plan, of course,' said Brutus innocently. He looked with his eyes wide open at a blank Titinius and then said, 'he is ever so smart.'

'Ah, um,' said Titinius. He scratched his head and then said, 'it's a really sunny day.'

'So that's the solution?' asked Portia. She wondered how the sun was going to aid them on their mission of getting to hell.

'That statement was unrelated to anything else that we were discussing,' said Titinius, 'it was a simple statement that stated a fact – that today is a sunny day.'

'That plan sucks,' said Caius angrily.

'That wasn't a plan, Cassius,' said Titinius exasperatedly, 'it was a statement.'

But whether it was a plan, or a statement, or simply a very stupid thing to say, did not matter after a couple of seconds.

There was a large "poof" sound and a lot of clouds and smoke appeared out of nowhere. Strato and Pindarius appeared out of those clouds.

'How did you get here?' asked Caius, who had long ago learnt to ignore clouds in his living room, 'we were just coming to save you – though we hadn't quite done anything substantial as yet. And now, you're here! Oh, Pindy, how I missed you!'

Pindarius winced at the deliberate butchering of his name while Strato said, 'It's the thought that counts.'

'Once again, I, Titinius, have saved the day,' said Titinius.

'I thought this was Cassius' idea,' said Portia.

Titinius didn't reply.

There was another large "poof" and even more clouds and smoke. Shakespeare appeared out of nowhere.

'I have an announcement,' he said gravely.

Brutus frowned, and Casca began to cry. The tone of Shakespeare's voice meant something bad was about to happen. Was the free lunch at school now going to include spinach with tomatoes?

'Is that why you summoned Strato and myself?' said Pindarius, 'and I thought it was because someone missed me.'

'Yes, yes,' said Shakespeare.

'If you could have simply summoned them, why did you take so long?' asked Brutus.

'That is not your problem, they are here and that is all that counts.'

'What's the announcement?' asked Portia.

'It's that you've been here too long,' replied Shakespeare, 'it's not good for you. You will have to be reborn somewhere, as per your karma.'

'But I thought you didn't believe in reincarnation!' protested Portia, 'you're a Christian, you believe in heaven and hell.'

'I have changed my mind and have recently converted to Buddhism,' said Shakespeare, 'that means that you lot are about to be reincarnated. You shall lose your memories and shall be born as babies to families on earth.'

'What if we don't want to?' asked Caius.

'You will have to be born as babies,' said Shakespeare, 'you can't possibly be born as adults, now, can you?'

'Shakespeare has a point, Cas,' said Portia.

'But this wasn't heaven, you had proved that in the third or fourth chapter,' said the fairy godmother, who was now knitting a sweater.

'Yes, but since I'm a Buddhist now, that doesn't really matter,' said Shakespeare.

'So sucks for what could have been a very good plot,' said the fairy godmother.

'I don't know about much about that,' said Shakespeare, 'but more shall be explained to you, tomorrow, at school.'

'But tomorrow's Sunday!' said Caius. He looked like he was about to cry.

'Be there,' said Shakespeare, ignoring Caius' comment completely. There was a third "poof", more clouds, and Shakespeare disappeared.

Portia turned on the television and everybody watched it for five whole minutes before the gravity of the situation dawned upon them.

'Oh no!' shrieked Caius, jumping up and down on the sofa. A cushion burst and white cotton-like material was all over the room, and settling on everybody's heads.

'I washed my hair just yesterday…Oh no, Caius, Mark! What will we do! We're gonna die!' screamed Portia, covering her face with her hands.

'No, no, we shall live, weren't you listening to him?' said Brutus.

'In different ugly bodies that will gain fat whenever we consume calories,' said Caius, 'do you realize how awful that is?'

'At least I am in the habit of dieting,' said Titinius proudly.

'That's gonna be erased from your memory, you know,' Portia reminded him. She then decided to give her best friend some company and stood up on the sofa and started jumping up and down .

Then Titinius started screaming and jumping on the sofa too.

'I have really good karma, you know,' said Casca. He grinned at everybody and then said, 'what's karma?'

'Its something that people who stabbed their friends don't have,' Caius told Casca.

'Caesar wasn't my friend,' said Casca.

'But you stabbed someone,' said Caius, 'that's good enough to rob you of any karma.'

'Oh no!' cried Casca and jumped on the sofa as well.

'I am a stoic,' said Brutus, ''tis does not effect me.'

But he did not enjoy being left out and jumped on the sofa nevertheless.

It is needless to say that the sofa was rendered useless.

A/N – Another twist…MWAHAHAHA! Review!