Regret
Regret is pointless.
The past is always long gone. Looking at it won't bring it back. It won't let you undo what you've done.
None of us live without things we wished we had done differently. Sometimes, these things are simple. Sometimes, these things change everything. They define us, make us realize who we really are.
Everything that could have been different, it's all flooding my mind as I look at you.
It would be easier if everything were black and white. If nothing could have been different, I wouldn't be here. I could be back home, lost in books and meditation. I wouldn't feel...
Hurt...
It hurts...being here...
How did things turn out the way they are? I knew the truth, but I couldn't bring myself to accept it.
What couldn't I accept? That I couldn't live forever in my own little world, where nothing ever changes? We catch the same villains, we go through the same routines, and no one ever tries to change that. Is that what I really wanted? Was I...
Was I too scared to let someone new close?
Well, my fears were justified. But I should be honest with myself. I wasn't scared by the thought of you being a double agent or anything like that. I was scared that...
Am I really going to admit it?
Alright...
I was scared of being hurt.
I know entirely too well what it is to betray those closest to you. It was something that was taught to me as soon as I was able to utter my first words. There were nights of unrest were the thought of betrayal haunted my little mind. And the story of my birth...the things my mother warned me of...
I was terrified to let anyone close.
To be close is to be vulnerable...but...
You knew that, didn't you?
Some empath I am. You didn't shut yourself away from the world like I did, but you knew that so much better than I did. Still, you put on a smile and tried getting close.
But the scars ran too deep...
Too deep for any of us to do anything about it...
It hurt so much, that fateful day. Every secret fear looked me in the eyes as I was buried alive. And I lied. I lied like my I've never lied before. I wanted so desperately to hide my pain and hurt you right back.
I wanted to pretend that I didn't feel you late at night, crying for reasons I couldn't understand. I wanted to pretend that I never trusted you, and I saw through every lie, and...
Most of all...
I wanted to pretend I didn't accept you.
I guess it was just the fear venturing a little more out of my shell. Honestly, I do wonder what it would be like to be more like you. To be more outgoing, more capable of expressing myself.
But honestly?
I'm scared. I don't want to be hurt. I just stick to want I'm used to.
And honestly?
I was a little envious. Maybe I was used to being the quiet one who always locked herself away in her room, but that's not to say I didn't want to change my character sometimes. There are times when I want to escape myself, if only for a short time, and...just be something I'm not.
You did, too. But yours wasn't just a small whim. You tried so hard to overcome your own faults. You tried harder than I ever did. I wish...
Just between us?
I wish I tried harder, too.
But...I think I have grown up a little more since we last met. A lot has happened. Things I wish I could change, thing I don't. The good, the bad, they have all been learning experiences. I want to say I promise to you that I will never repeat that mistake, but...there's something else. What I really want to ask...
No matter what I said...
No matter what I did...
Could you ever forgive me?
I can't look you in the eyes when I say that. I don't want to know. I can't...
Well, it's time to go. I'll leave you be, now.
"Goodbye..." I whisper ever-so-quietly to no one that can hear.
I walk back and get back inside the car.
"Did you see her?" Cyborg asks.
"No." I lie, "All blondes look alike to me, though."
"Yeah, me neither. Guess Beast Boy really didn't see her. Let's head home."
I look in the mirror, as the sun begins to set and the last school bell of the day rings, and...
And...
It hurts.
Terra still watches me, even as we drive out of sight.