Choice
This horrible feeling is gripping my chest again. It quickens my breath. It makes me shake. I feel this urge to run away.
At least for a few hours...
It's a late summer's night. Just now is the sun being to set. Everything is strangely subdued. Not quiet- because cities are never entirely quite- but everything moves along slowly, the usual ambient noises little more than a lazy moan. And oddly enough, no one's harassing me. I guess we've become so commonplace that a girl walking around town in a cloak doesn't so much as raise an eyebrow anymore.
Well, that's entirely fine with me. Especially at the moment, when I really want time to slow down. I want everything to drift along like the clouds in the amber sky I'm looking up at.
But no. Time is always marching on at it's own pace. Thinking about that tightens my chest again.
I have to make this choice soon...
There are days I want to just walk away from everything. Sometimes, I secretly wish I could restart my life...just because. I would just walk away, far away, to some place where I knew no one and no one knew me. My life would be mine and mine alone.
And I wouldn't have to make choices like this...
"Hm hm hm hmhmm..."
...A song pops into my head. I don't know the words, but I unconsciously hum along to the tune.
"Carnival of Rust", I think it was called. She was listening to it once. She was curled up on the couch, lazily staring off into nothingness. I wanted to ask her to turn it up, but...
...Would you believe boldness isn't my strong suite? Dry wit doesn't open you up. It's a defensive tactic, casually striking from afar with a well-timed comment. And that's how I prefer things: Afar. I'm one to quietly watch things play out. It's my nature. But...sometimes, I want to move in closer...
And...just maybe...
A few giggling girls around my age pass by across the street. On a day like this, they've probably been out and about, doing...whatever it is girls my age do. Hanging out at the mall, trying on age inappropriate clothes, and many other things I'd never do in this lifetime. And now there's probably off to sneak into a bar with a fake I.D.
Wow. I don't understand my generation at all.
I remember that one time she showed me that fake I.D. she made. She was grinning and proudly presenting it like a medal of valor. She said she was going to try to get into some club using it that night, but I think she lost her nerve.
...Now, why does that sound familiar?
With each step I take away from the Tower, I feel...less comfortable. I know I must have been to every corner of this city at least once, but everything looks so foreign. I quietly long for the familiarity and safety of my room. My room, where the population is one and everything is in it's proper place because I put it there. My tiny utopia, where everything is mine and mine alone...
...Alright. Even I have to admit that maybe I spent too much time in my room. And maybe...I do need human contact now and again. And maybe I should reach out for it, instead of hoping it floats in my direction.
...I sigh.
As I walk back home, everything is so subdued. The cars pass by with a hushed breeze. Ever-so-slowly, dark orange fades into indigo, and the streetlights flicker to life.
And my chest gets tighter.
It would be so much easier if I would just I just head straight to my room and finish the usual motions of the day. But...honestly, this is something I need to do. I've been putting it off for too long. I just need to summon up the courage, and...
...What if she turns me down? What would the point be if that happened? I will have made myself vulnerable, and have nothing but a tiny little scar to show for it. No one's going to notice if I just quietly head to my room and lock myself away for the night. There's no harm in that.
...But here I am, my little hand clenched as I wonder if I should knock on her door or not. Please, dear Azar, don't let her open the door, seeing me standing here, looking so damned meek and nervous as I-
"Raven?"
"Starfire?!"
...Well, isn't that just lovely? And tell me, Raven, what lesson have we learned here?
"It's strange that one would find you in front of Terra's door. Why are..."
...She's smiling.
"Do you wish to do the 'hanging out' with our friend Terra?"
Well, I suppose she couldn't remain sweetly naive forever, could she?
"No, it's...it's just that I-"
Starfire doesn't even wait for my hasty excuse before knocking on Terra's door. And when she opens the door, she's greeted by the sight of Starfire pushing an uncharacteristically meek me front and center.
"H-Hey."
"Hey."
Terra just stands there, waiting for me to say something. Starfire nudges me, as if I'm some shy child trying to ask someone on a playground if I could play with them.
...Azar above, that's what it is, isn't it? This is so not right. I'm not supposed to be vulnerable, especially in front of Terra. And yet, here I am, nervously bunching up my cloak in one hand.
"You know that...movie you wanted to see?"
She raises an eyebrow.
"Yeah?"
...And she waits for me to continue.
Oh, come on! It's obvious, Terra! Just reach out and...
"Nevermind. Forget I said anything."
I quickly retreat, Terra and Starfire looking on with confusing. I don't think either of them notice the ticket that mysteriously found it's way to Terra's feet.
Well, I made my choice. I can live with it.