A/N: This chapter was originally going to have more of Bellatrix in it, but it morphed into something a little different. I'm sorry to those readers who were expecting a Bellatrix centric chapter. The flow of the story did not go in that direction. Still, I hope you like this chapter.
The winter chill had settled harshly on the prison. Wet wind brought in swirls of rain and slush. The bitter cold cut up the back of Sirius Black's throat with its serrated edges, and the icy floor numbed his back.
Winter had always been the hardest for him. With winter came the frost. Icicles formed along the edge of his window, and the floor became slick with frozen water. The Ministry gave the prisoners an extra blanket, and warmer clothes to wear, but it was not nearly enough. Ever winter Sirius would wonder if he was going to survive, or if he would die as so many prisoners did. And every winter he survived was a triumph for him.
For the first few years, Sirius had transformed into his Animagus; the added fur helped keep him warm, but as the years slowly passed, and the Dementors leeched away his happier memories, he began to lose his ability to change.
This past winter, Sirius could not, no matter how hard he tried, change into Padfoot. He felt as if the pit of his stomach had fallen out, and any hope he had had drained out of him. He felt apart of him was slowly disappearing, a part of him that was so crucial to who he was. Who was he without being Padfoot? Being Padfoot had tied him to the Marauders, bonded him to James, Remus and even Peter; he was closer to them than he had ever been to his family. And now, Azkaban was taking Padfoot from him as well.
That winter, Sirius had nearly gone insane. He was still not sure how he survived. He had had nothing to cling to, no hope or joy whatsoever.
That was when James had started coming to him in his dreams. It was only snippets of memories, snatches of a past that would never be again. He remembered the day he was James' best man, how proud he had been. Sirius remembered the love James had had in his eyes as he watched Lily walk down the aisle towards him, dressed in white, with little white flowers embedded into her rose red hair.
Those memories became a lifeline to Sirius, something he could hold onto. He had no idea where they had come from; Black had thought the Dementors had gotten all his best memories, but he was glad that some had escaped them. Sirius had survived that winter with only those memories in his grasp.
Now winter was on him again, and he had high hopes that his old friend was going to come back. Sitting once more on a rain slick floor, and huddled under his two ragged blankets, Sirius began to doze off. He closed his eyes, and journeyed down into his memories, going back to the happier moments in his life.
He remembered the first time he had held Harry in his arms. Lily was recovering in St. Mungos after a long labor. Sirius and Remus had been with James as he had waited nervously in the waiting room. Sirius remembered telling James that he was going to wear a hole into the waiting room floor, if he didn't stop pacing. Finally, the healer came out, and said they could see Lily and her new baby boy. Sirius and Remus followed James into the delivery room, where Lily lay pale, but smiling in a hospital bed. Her smile widened when she saw James.
In her arms was little Harry, barely an hour old, his eyes not even open to the world yet. James' eyes shone brightly with pride as he came closer. Sirius moved forward as well to get a look at Harry. Only Remus stayed behind, his smile large with joy, but his eyes wary. It was close to the end of the month, and Remus didn't want to get too close to a new life, being what he was. Sirius tried to get Lupin to come closer, but Remus insisted on staying away.
James had taken Harry in his arms, and never had Sirius seen Prongs so happy. It was like Harry was the sun and the moon to James. Sirius peered down on the newborn over James' shoulder. He was taken aback on how tiny Harry was, how delicate his little fingers and toes were, how small his little mouth was. Sirius couldn't help, but be overwhelmed with joy; this was the first time he had ever truly envied James.
Suddenly James turned around, and handed Harry to Sirius. Sirius was slightly surprised by this, but gently took Harry in his arms. He was so happy that James had decided to share his happiest moment with Sirius. Black's heart unfolded with love for this new life; he hoped one day he would have a son just like Harry.
"Sirius, Lily and I have a favor to ask of you," James said.
Sirius had looked up from his admiration of Harry to James. He saw that Remus had come a little closer, staring at Harry in awe.
"What is it James? You know I'll do anything for you!" Sirius said.
James looked at Lily, who nodded, then turned back to Sirius.
"We want you to be Harry's godfather," James responded.
Sirius could still hear the word 'Godfather' echo around him like a sweet melody.
Even as the memory of Harry's birth slowly slipped from his mind, and disappeared into the dark regions of his interiority, that one word still sparkled in the air around him. Soon though, even that echo of the past disappeared, and just like that, the memory was gone, but never forgotten. The Dementors would never have that memory. It was going to stay in the deepest jungles of his mind, where hardly any light ever penetrated, if it meant that the Dementors could not get at it.
Sirius felt a tidal wave of sorrow and joy as swells and swells of emotions crashed in on him. He wanted to smile and he wanted to cry. He had told himself long ago that he was not going to let Azkaban see him cry. Sirius swallowed the heavy emotions that engulfed him. That memory had been strong; James and Lily and Remus had seemed so real, as if Harry's birth had happened just the day before. Sirius had not expected that his memories of his past could still have so much power and life to them.
If he kept his eyes closed, would he be able to stay in the place of his memories? Would Azkaban be able to disappear? Sirius hoped that he could stay in the sunshine of his past, run under the moonlight with the Marauders, or hold Harry in his arms forever.
"You can't stay in your memories forever Sirius. Reality will always catch up with you," said a soft, and familiar voice near him. Sirius' breath caught in his throat. So James had decided to stay with him this winter as well.
Sirius opened his eyes to his drab, bleak cell. Sitting near him, his back against the same wall Sirius sat up against, and his knees drawn up, was James. This time James wore a faded t-shirt, and torn up jeans. His face was pale, but his eyes were bright, like fiery stars. Sirius wondered at how James could stand the cold wearing just jeans and a t-shirt.
"I was remembering the day Harry was born," Black replied.
James smiled widely, his colorless lips pulling away from brilliant white teeth.
"Yes. That was a beautiful day, the day my Lily gave me the greatest treasure in the universe; she gave me Harry. Do you remember what we asked you that day?"
"You asked me if I wanted to be Godfather to Harry. I said yes. That was the happiest moment in my life, James. Did you know that?"
James looked over at Sirius, his eyes large and gentle.
"I know Padfoot. I know,"
Sirius lowered his head in shame.
"I'm not Padfoot anymore," Sirius said.
Black pulled his blanket closer to his face. He didn't want James to see him in his shame, in his weakness.
"You're always Padfoot," James responded.
James stared at Sirius, his eyes stern, and stubborn. Whenever Prongs had that look on his face, Sirius had a hard time lying to him. Sirius continued to hide under his blanket.
"Why did you say you weren't Padfoot anymore?" James asked his tone harsher than normal.
"I can't change into Padfoot anymore James. I can't. I've tried. I think I've lost the ability. I'm no longer a Marauder."
James' stern face, relaxed and a smile spread easily over his face.
"Sirius, you didn't lose the ability. And even if you had, you would still be a Marauder, still be Padfoot to me!" James responded.
Sirius pulled his head out from behind his blanket. He couldn't help, but have hope, and hope could be a very dangerous thing to have in Azkaban.
"How do you know it's not gone completely?"
James lifted a pale finger, and tapped Sirius' head.
"It's still in here somewhere in that mess you call a brain!"
Sirius laughed, and was caught off guard by the unnatural sound; laughter was not a noise that was common to Azkaban. Sirius noticed he had caught one his Dementor guard's attention; Smiley's to be exact.
Black pulled in his sudden mirth, remembering what it was Dementors loved to eat. James watched the Dementors curiously, not entirely afraid of them; then again, James wasn't their food of choice as Sirius was. Smiley turned back around, watching or sensing whatever it was Dementors sensed.
"So Prongs, if I still have the ability, where is it?" Sirius whispered.
"I already told you where. Weren't you listening?"
Sirius sighed. "I know it's in my head, but where in my head?"
James laughed loudly; Sirius quickly glanced back at his guards, sure that they would have heard James. Smiley and Skitty hadn't even turned around.
"Sirius, how in the world would I know where in that jumbled up brain of yours that information is kept? It's probably in the same place where the memory of Harry's birth is," James said.
Sirius suddenly remembered where that could be; the deep, dark jungle of his mind; his heart of darkness.
"The jungle…" Sirius whispered.
"Where?" James asked, his puzzlement enshrouding his face.
Sirius shook his head. He didn't want to explain his theory that there was a jungle inside him where all of his precious memories were hidden; that would just be crazy. James continued to stare at Sirius, and was about to ask another question, when a ghostly whisper slithered into Sirius' cell.
"Sirius… Sirius Black…"
Both James and Sirius jerked up. They would have known that high pitched, insane voice anywhere. It floated into the cell like an evil poison. It came from the cell two doors down from Sirius, but really one now. The occupant of the cell right next to Sirius had had his soul sucked out by a Dementor, and had been removed from Azkaban.
"Black, Black, Black! I know you're there naughty boy. I can hear you talking, but to whom I wonder?" That awful voice came through the bars of the Sirius' cell once again. A horrid snigger followed behind the inquisitive words. Smiley and Skitty kept looking in on Black, and then back out towards the other cell.
"Bellatrix! That bitch's still alive?" James spit out.
"Unfortunately," Sirius stated wearily.
"I hear you dear cousin. Is the great and wonderful Sirius Black finally cracking up? Did the big, bad prison finally get to him?" Bellatrix asked.
"Tell her to…" James started.
"Shut it Bellatrix!" Sirius shouted.
"Was that you screaming when the Dementors attacked a month ago, when our mutual neighbor lost his soul? I think it was. I was so sure that my dear cousin would be one of the brain dead to be escorted out of Azkaban. I wonder how a soul tastes to a Dementor?"
Sirius was taken aback by that response. He didn't remember screaming the night the Dementors had had their feeding frenzy; then again he didn't really remember much of that night until James came. Sirius felt his face burn up in shame; he wished James hadn't heard that.
"You're depraved Bellatrix!" Sirius shouted back, though with less confidence.
"Well at least I don't talk to a dead Muggle lover!"
James' lips curled in anger, the muscles in his face tightened, but he managed to keep silent.
"I would rather be talking to James than be anything like you. You're evil, and you'll die alone because who could love such a despicable creature like yourself?" Sirius volleyed back.
"Voldemort will honor me. He will honor all those who come to his side. You will writhe in pain when I get out, and I WILL GET OUT!" Bellatrix screamed. Sirius could hear her determination in her voice, and he knew his cousin well enough to know, that she would probably find a way out of Azkaban.
"Even if you do ever get out Bellatrix, Voldemort will never honor you because he doesn't feel anything for anyone. He will use you and throw you away. You're just too stupid to see it!"
"Sirius, there will come a time when we will have to face each other in combat, and I, cousin, will drive you as insane as I drove the Longbottoms before I kill you. Weren't they friends of yours? You know that Alice, she was a screamer. I had her screaming all night. She lasted longer than that worthless husband of hers—"
This time, both James and Sirius leapt up, screaming out their anger at the top of their lungs. Sirius could feel his body warm up from the rage that pumped through his veins like liquid fire. His heart was racing, and he suddenly felt very much alive, with James at his side.
Skitty Kitty had been watching the debate between Bellatrix and Sirius nervously. The Dementor swooped into Sirius' cell, and zoomed in on him. Sirius fell to the floor, trying to get out of the Dementor's way. Smiley floated by his door, and watched Skitty attack Sirius, curious as ever. Sirius fought Skitty, his anger blocking the Dementor's access to his more precious memories.
He could hear Bellatrix's laughter slowly begin to dim. The colors to his cell, and individual objects in his cell lost their coherency. As Skitty sucked out his happier memories, he grew weaker and weaker. James, though, never left his side, even if the image of James was fading. Prongs was the last thing he saw before darkness overcame him.
Sirius fell to the floor, still breathing, and his soul still attached, but he was completely knocked out.