I do not own Cry of the Icemark or Blade of Fire. I am making this list simply for my own enjoyment and the enjoyment of anyone else who happens to like Icemark and hate Bellorum. Also, I might use the same or similar ideas for A Bazillion Ways to Annoy Lord Voldemort. They can be used for either.
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16.) At the end of Blade of Fire, at his death scene, run around singing the Best Day Ever song from SpongeBob at the top of your lungs. It's the beeeeeeest daaaaaaaaaaaay eeeeeeeeever!!!!!!!!!
17.) Packing Peanuts! Throw them at him, fill his tent with them, send him them for Christmas…you get the idea.
18.) Wait until he's sleeping and then run into his tent with a huge rock and whack him with it all the while yelling SPIDERS! SPIDERS SPIDERS SPIDERS SPIDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
19.) Trap him in River City Iowa and make him play tuba in the marching band.
20.) Erase all his knowledge of army stuff and trap him in a room and tell him the only way to get out is to know all there is to know about army stuff.
21.) Dress him up as Dora the Explorer while he's asleep and dress Commander Anthonius as Boots and make them brainwashed to talk just like in the show.
22.) Forge a note to Thirrin from him asking her out and laugh when 1.) He starts violently swearing 2.) Thirrin hits him upside the head and 3.) All the tabloid reporters mob his tent and ask him questions like "how long have you felt this way" and stuff like that.
23.) Wait until he's sleeping and dye his hair red like people from the Icemark. When he wakes up act all shocked and point and stuff. Then conveniently find a bottle of whatever color Bellorum's hair is dye (that you planted in his tent) and act even more shocked and invite reporters from major news channels and papers and…well you basically get the idea.
24.) Fill his tent with those Dancin' Hamster toys (specifically the one that sings Kung Fu Fightin') turn them all on then break the off switch. Make sure they are grenade/cannon/gun/missile/bomb/sledgehammer/tank/flamethrower-proof.
25.) Walk up to him randomly and yell "OH MY GOD LOOK OUT A NUKE!" Do it again and again and again too. If this doesn't stress a guy out, nothing will.
26.) Yell DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN whenever he enters the room.
27.) Tell him that Voldemort is so a better villain than he is.
28.) Throw the Big Ball of Zeeky H-Guilt at him.
29.) Trap him in a room with the annoying blah from the Demented Cartoon Movie. Boing dedoing dedoingdedoing!
30.) Whenever you talk to him say "like" every other word. Like, OMG that's like totally a like ugly uniform OMG like I can't like believe you'd like go OUT in that!
31.) Invite Princess Azula from A:TLA to his camp and when she introduces herself say "Don't they look so CUTE together!"
32.) Lock him and Thirrin in a closet and play Cascada's "Everytime we Touch" until he goes mad. – Spiritual Bob
33.) Repeat Number 31 only lock him in with Sulla, Octavius or a random man character.
34.) Go up to him and ask him if his lip gloss is poppin'.
35.) Make his life a sitcom. Then, whenever he does something, invisible people will laugh hysterically.
36.) Make Icemark an old cartoon where anvils and pianos fall on the villain (him).
37.) During his Deus Imperator speech, run up, grab him by the shoulders and start shaking him yelling "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"
38.) After he makes his big speech about how the Deus Imperator is not real, drop a Bible on his head.
39.) Repeat Number 27, only use (your choice) a crucifix, incense pot, heavy Communion goblet, stone tablet, Ark of the Covenant, ice cold holy water, or other religious stuff, then say in a creepy voice "God is aiming at you!"
40.) Before he goes off to battle, spray him with water. Tell him its holy water and you don't understand why he's so mad.
41.) Try to exorcise him.
42.) Make him uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugly.
43.) Tie his bootlaces together right before he's about to lead a charge. Then he'll trip and everyone else will fall on him.
44.) Make Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back" his theme music and when he comes in have everyone around break down and do the robot.
45.) Paint your name (or Thirrin's) on the Sky Navy's flagship. Now that it has your name on it it's yours right?
46.) Make the Black Army the Pink Army.
47.) Spray paint faces on the front of the sky ships (like the kind they put on planes in WW2).
48.) Get him on Pimp My Ride and have them do a makeover on the sky ships or that carriage he had at the beginning of the book. Sky ships would be more annoying though.
49.) When he's evilly laughing, replace the usual ominous music with the song "Barbie Girl".
50.) Make sure Octavius is missing for a few weeks. When Bellorum asks where he is, say he went to Vegas with Cressida.
51.) A few days after this, go up to him and tell him in 9 months he's going to be a grandpa.
52.) Tell him you see dead people.
53.) Tell him you see stupid people. When he asks where they are point at him.
54.) Before Blade of Fire, ask him about his twin sons. When he says "what twin sons?" accuse him of child neglect and call the police.
55.) Stab HIM with a big wooden stake. See how HE likes it.
56.) Make Sulla and Octavius sulky (or emo or punk) teenagers, and have them be all "I don't have to listen to YOU", play death metal at ridiculously loud volumes, and/or shave their heads and get huge amounts of piercings and tattoos.
57.) Whenever he begins to say something, interrupt him saying "YOU'RE WRONG!"
58.) Get him fired. Honestly, being an army general is the only thing he's got going for him. And nobody likes getting fired. Optional: hire Thirrin in his place.
59.) When he's mad at his staff officers and is all "And who commands this army?" shout out "YO MOMMA!"
AND BONUS WAY TO ANNOY SULLA AND OCTAVIUS!!!!
-Tell them you're their new "mommy" now, wink at General Bellorum then send them to boarding school.
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A/N: This list is so much fun to do! Thank you Spiritual Bob for the suggestion.
I noticed when Googling Cry of the Icemark and clicking on results from there are a LOT of people listing it as one of their favorite books. So why are there so few fics for it? If you're reading this and you like Icemark, PLEASE write for it! We need more Icemark fanfiction!