Disclaimer:( See first chapter for full disclaimer and explanation for this insanity.) That's right. A second chapter. I wonder if Vaeru will get mad at me for essentially hijacking her fan-verse for my own amusement. I don't think Cafei minds me putting her comic self through all this.(puts on helmet and raises shield just in case)

After I did the first one, I was bombarded by millions of cute fuzzy plot bunnies. The bunnies made me do this! They are evil! There may be more to come. I dunno. I need a little break from writing Collateral Damage and this was the perfect thing! I wouldn't call it writer's block, I want to write, just not Collateral Damage. I'm just not feeling motivated to work on CD at the moment. No worries though, I've almost finished writing chapter 47 so updates will be on time. At least for a few weeks.

Notes: Wheeljack is probably going to regret ever making those synthetic paper squares for Evelyn and Cafei.

Cryptic Messages

"If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing."

-Kingsley Amis

Act one

"Now fold the flap over like this…and tuck the tab under the little flap and…wa-la!" Evelyn raised the paper shape, "Instant flapping crane."

Cafei stared gloomily at her own crane; a floppy mess of folded, warn down paper, ripped in some places, and pinched her mouth into a disenchanted frown. "How do you do that? Mine looks more like an abused turkey then a crane."

Cafei and Evelyn sat, with a large stack of paper sheets, atop one of the Medbay tables. Ratchet had left nearly fifteen minutes prior with no explanation (but plenty of heated cursing), leaving Wheeljack to mind the bay. The engineer went about the room and whipped down the tables, returning stray tools to their proper place, and various other tedious odd jobs. Once in a while he would pause to observe the two women, rumble quietly to himself, and resume his work. He disappeared into the back rooms, carrying a container of seemingly random pieces of mechanical paraphernalia.

"It just takes practice," Evelyn replied encouragingly, pulling at the ends of her paper crane, causing the folded paper wings to flap, mimicking flight, "I spent five months pretty much sitting around doing nothing after the wreck, so I've had a long time to practice."

Cafei grunted in resignation and tilted her head to indicate to the expansive room. "Well, I certainly got time to spare."

Evelyn smiled at the girl and reached over to pluck the failed origami from Cafei's hands, staring over the workmanship. "You made all the folds correctly, you just need to fine tune a few things, that's all."

"How do you—"

The Medbay door slid open and Cafei's words were drowned out by shouting and clamoring foot steps. Evelyn and Cafei both watched curiously as the form of Red Alert was pushed roughly into the Medbay by the irate form of Ratchet. Red Alert stumbled gracelessly into the room, but caught himself before his faceplate smashed into the floor.

"Am I going to start having to offlining you to get you in here for every tune up?" Ratchet growled as he followed in behind the red, black, and white Mech. The doors closed shut behind the medic. Red Alert straightened himself and glared at Ratchet.

"There was no need for you to shove me all the way here, Ratchet," he said crossly, "And I am more then capable of walking through a door on my own."

Ratchet walked up beside the Mech and eyed him contemptuously. "If that's true then why is it that I have to call Ironhide to come haul you out of that little hole you call an office every time you fry your circuits?"

Red Alerts glare increased, optics glowing a pale blue, as he resentfully said, "I did not fry my circuits. It's merely a coding error, one that I am quite able to fix without medical intervention."

Ratchet scoffed. "I'm sure. But you didn't show for your scheduled tune up so while I'm doing that, I'll be looking into that so called 'coding error'." Ratchet pointed commandingly toward a table and said, "Sit there and don't move an increment."

Wheeljack reemerged from the back rooms and glanced between the two peevish Mechs. Red Alert grumbled his way over to the table and sat down. Ratchet remained motionless while the Mech settled and as soon as he was seated, the medic then turned to the two humans quietly observing from their table on the opposite side of the room.

"Evelyn, Cafei," He called and both women perked up slightly as if to say 'yes?', "Watch him. Call if he moves at all."

Evelyn nodded dubiously, "Uh…ok."

Cafei grinned and saluted, "Aye aye, Captain!"

Red Alert glared at them.

With that, Ratchet walked towards the back of the bay, motioning Wheeljack to follow him, towards the storage area and they disappeared through the doorway. For a long moment Evelyn and Cafei just sat atop their table and stared across the room at Red Alert, who huffed irritably and turned his head away.

"What a grouch," Cafei whispered to Evelyn. Much to their surprise, Red Alert's head snapped around to level a snide glare at them and they both jumped. Cafei whispered in the quietest voice she could muster, "Geez, he heard that?"

"Yes," Red Alert rumbled hotly, "I did."

Evelyn and Cafei exchanged glances, their expressions a mix of nervous disbelief. Evelyn wanted to say something to Cafei, but she didn't want Red Alert to hear her and earn his infallible wrath. She glanced around her and caught sight of the stack of paper. A nonexistent light bulb popped over her head. Smiling to herself, she reached into her pocket for the small pen she had taken from her check book and grabbed a sheet of paper. Tapping Cafei on the shoulder and waiting till she had the girl's attention, she began to write.

-We can write instead of talking. He won't know what we're saying this way.-

Cafei grinned widely and reached for the pen, adding her response.

-Coolies! It's like old school AIM!-

-lol. Yeah, and maybe he won't squish us if he doesn't know what were saying/writing.-

-Yes, me like da 'no squish' part.-

-And since Sideswipe's out like a light for at least anothr hour, we wont have to worry about him snitching on us either.-

-Hallelujah!-

-I wonder why that guy's so uptight all the time. He's scary. oO;-

-Maybe he really did fry his circuts!! X3-

-You mean 'circuits'-

-Yeah yeah, I can't spell. So sue me-

-Tempting-

(sarcasm) Ha ha ha (/sarcasm)

Evelyn laughed out loud and both girls looked up quickly to see if Red Alert had overheard, and if his suspicious staring was any indication, he had.

Cafei tapped Evelyn's shoulder to draw her attention back to the paper.

-I forget his name, what is it?-

-Red Alert. He's the guy who tried to blow you up when you first got here, remember?-

-Oh yeah. That bastard! What does he even do here?-

Evelyn took a moment to consider.

-I think he's the security officer.-

-If he's the one in charge of our safety, then we're in trouble. We gonna die!!!-

-lol. Tell me about it. Every time I've seen him, he's been a real jerk.-

-Le gasp! Maybe he's racist! OwO; -

-Nah, I think he treats everyone like that.-

-But what if he is?! He's prejudice against organics!-

-So…would that make him an organist?-

Cafei snorted and flipped the now full front page of the sheet over before taking the pen from Evelyn to reply.

-It doesn't sound mean enough. How about humani-phob?-

-That works. lol.-

-Or we could just call him BMWPP-

-BMWPP?-

-"Bastard Mech With a Personality Problem"-

Evelyn clamped her mouth shut, cutting off the strong urge to laugh, but it came out as a loud snort and she pressed her hands to her mouth to muffle the sound. Cafei sat next to her grinning. Once Evelyn had composed herself, she retrieved the pen from Cafei.

-Ding ding ding, I think we have a winner! XD-

-(bows) Thank you thank you.-

Evelyn took the pen and was about to reply when Ratchet and Wheeljack returned from the storage room. Ratchet carried a strange square electric box, one large hose-type thing issuing out one side while Wheeljack carried a box of assorted tools.

Ratchet placed the box-thing next to Red Alert. "You might want to offline for this."

Red Alert sent a narrowed eyed glare towards Evelyn and Cafei. His systems gave an annoyed rev, "No, thank you. I'll remain online."

Ratchet followed Red Alert's line of sight and glanced at the two humans, who smiled innocently at him when he turned their way. He looked back at Red Alert (still sending the two women suspicious glares) and sighed. "Suit yourself."

The two humans watched, in slight horror, as Ratchet opened Red Alert's chest armor. Beneath the armor plating, was an electrical wonder of color lights, and metal. Evelyn instantly recognized the Spark chamber. Farther up the chest, above Red Alert's Spark casing, was a sort of large electrical port. Into this port, Ratchet put the hose like tube of the electrical box-thing like some macabre jack. Red Alert didn't seem to mind it at all other then what the two suspected might have been some mild form of embarrassment from being 'exposed' to their eyes. Ratchet was looking at the box-thing's screen.

Cafei tapped Evelyn's shoulder and pointed to the paper.

-Should we be looking at him? I mean isn't he technically naked?-

-How can he be naked? They don't wear clothes.-

-Well they have armor, so that's kinda their clothing equivalent doncha think?-

-I'd rather stick with the rationality that they can't get naked. I don't need to anything else to be mortified about.-

-lol. Suit yourself then.-

-And besides, he's a guy. So it wouldn't matter anyway.-

-lol. Mech boobs.-

Evelyn snorted and covered her mouth to muffle the sound. The three Mech glanced their way (Ratchet and Wheeljack curiously, Red Alert angrily).

"What's so funny?" Ratchet asked, one optic squinting in mild suspicion.

Evelyn waved the question away as if to say 'nothing', but recalling that human gestures were unknown to them, she struggled to control her snickering. In between her unsteady giggles, she managed to say "Nothing."

Ratchet didn't seem convinced, but went on with his work nonetheless.

Evelyn grabbed the pen from Cafei and hastily wrote her response.

-Don't make me laugh! They'll catch onto us!-

-Oh alright…………….…MECH BOOBS! XD-

"Stop doing that!" Evelyn told Cafei, laughing and slapping the hand that held the pen. Cafei just laughed, grinning.

"What are you two doing?" Ratchet asked, his voice steadily growing in irritation.

"Hm? What?" Cafei asked innocently as Evelyn struggled to control herself. "Nothing. We're not doing anything."

"Then please be quiet while I'm working." Ratchet rumbled and went back to his work.

Cafei wrote:

-Oooooh, you got in troooouble!-

-Because of you!-

-I plead the 5th.-

-You mean you plead reason of insanity!!-

-That works too. -

-How do I let you get me into these things?-

-Me?! This was YOUR idea, remember?-

-A mere technicality.-

-Well, if I go down I'm taking you with me!-

-How honorable of you.-

-Why thank you grasshopper.-

-Ha ha.-

-Get another piece of paper, we're running out of room-

Evelyn grabbed another sheet and began to write.

-How long are we gonna keep doing this?-

-As long as we like! Besides, it's kinda fun being able to converse w/out anyone knowing what we're talking about.-

-And I don't think anyone on board besides us can read English.-

-So we won't have to destroy the evidence when we're done! XD-

-Total writing freedom!-

-Free at last free at last, god almighty I'm free at last! We could gossip about everyone!-

-I guess we could, but what's to gossip about?-

-Where do I begin?! Let's start with something easy. Red Alert. He needs to take a chill pill! Or two. Or three. Ah screw it he needs the whole damn bottle! Ratchet has the bedside manner of Hannibal Lector, Ironhide sounds like a drunk John Wayne whenever he talks, Prowl has the same range of expression as a potted house plant, Sunstreaker is as cuddly as a PMSing Cobra, and Gears has the most horrendous paint job ever! Talk about fashion disaster! Someone call Stacy and Clinton! He needs help!-

Evelyn lost it. The breath that fueled her laugh exploded past her lips and she doubled over, pressing her forehead to her knees and wrapping her arms around her middle, giggling hysterically. Cafei giggled along, grinning like the Cheshire cat.

"Are you two finished yet?" Ratchet snarled impatiently at them. Evelyn looked up and opened her mouth as if to answer him, but she quickly shut it close as another fit of giggles hit her, resulting in a loud, odd sounding snort. Cafei covered her mouth with her hands and shook her head.

"Watch the reader for a click 'Jack," Ratchet said to the engineer, moving away from the electrical box-thing hooked into Red Alert, and striding purposefully towards the girls' table. All laughter abruptly ceased. As the medic neared, Cafei's eye caught onto the sheets of paper. She lunged for them and stuffed them into her shirt. Ratchet's optics narrowed, "Hand them over." He commanded.

Cafei shook her head vigorously 'No!'.

Ratchet's internal systems gave an annoyed rev and his open hand gestured to her. "I won't ask again."

Cafei seemed to weigh her options for a moment before pulling the slightly wrinkled pieces of paper from her shirt and handing them over to the medic who held them delicately between his thumb and forefinger. Cafei scoffed smugly. "Go head, it's not like you can read any of it."

Ratchet glared at her beforelooking down at the tiny sheets with the alien scribbles that made up their written language, and then smirked with inspiration. He logged onto the Officer's comm Channel.

: Jazz, would you come down to the Medbay for a moment? I'm in need of your literacy skills. :

Act two

When Bluestreak stopped by the Medbay to pick up Evelyn and Cafei for their 'socialization' time, he found the bay to be completely empty except for Ratchet who was whipping down one of the tables. The medic glanced up when the young gunner entered. "If you're looking for Cafei and Evelyn you can just turn around and leave."

Bluestreak looked on bemusedly and slightly concerned. "Why? What happened? Are they alright? Did something happen?"

Ratchet leaned against the table and regarded Bluestreak, his ever present frown morphing into a smug smile, "No, nothing's wrong. Their perfectly fine. They've just been confined to the bay for the nextOrn."

Bluestreak's optics widened. "Why?"

"For their own protection. Jazz translated a little conversation they had in their written language for me and it leaked out to some of the crew. I've already had both Gears and Sunstreaker storm in here looking for Cafei."

"Hey Blue!" Called a faint voice. Bluestreak turned to look towards the base of the far wall to see Cafei standing in the corner waving at him.

"Face to the wall, young lady," Ratchet admonished to the girl, "You still have another half hour to go."

Cafei scowled at the medic, "This is cruel and unusual punishment! I know my Miranda rights! I want my lawyer!"

"Cafei! Will you shut up already?" Evelyn's voice, slightly muffled, cried out from the other corner. "Your Miranda rights also give you the right to remain SILENT!"

"I won't stand for this injustice!"

"Then sit down!"

"New rule," Ratchet snarled, "No talking during time out!"

Both girls groaned and returned their gazed to the corner. Bluestreak looked on, thoroughly bemused. "Why are they standing in the corners though?"

"They're being punished," Ratchet answered simply, "It was obvious our ways of punishing disobedience would be inappropriate, so I chose to adopt a disciplinary method from Earth called Time Out." He glanced mildly towards the humans and smirked. "Simplistic, but effective."

"Raaaaaatchet…" Cafei moaned, looking over her shoulder at him and giving him her best puppy-dog eyes and pouting lip. The medic squinted one optic at her.

"Don't 'Ratchet' me," He told her, "You'll stand there till your time is up."

"But—"

"No exceptions."

"But—"

"No but's either!"

Cafei began hopping up and down impatiently, grabbing and wringing the hem of her shirt, "But Ratchet!"

Ratchet gave a low rumble, "What?"

"I gotta go potty!"

END