A/N: Thanks for the reviews, you guys! I'm so happy you're enjoying this. Just as a warning, this chapter is kind of angsty. But I suppose you can't have the happiness without a little angst. At least in my stories. Hope you enjoy it!!!
Disclaimer: I don't own 70s Show nor any rock references I may make. And nor do I own my local boy Bob Dylan
Ash couldn't sleep. She turned over and looked at her clock. It was two in the morning. She moaned, knowing that 1) she had to get up at six thirty to bike to the U by nine, and 2) she had so much to think about and it wasn't helping her sleeping situation. So there was only one person that she could talk to about all these thoughts in her head. And that person was Sam Shumacker.
Ash had been friends with Sam ever since she moved into the neighborhood at age nine. Though Ash was close to a couple of girl friends, namely Maddie and Shelly, Sam was that true blue pal every person should have in their life. And looking at the clock, she figured that he would probably be up watching horror movies, as it was summer time. She crawled out of bed, disturbing Claudius, and looked out towards Sam's house that was two houses across the street. Indeed, his room was flickering in celluloid. She smiled, and dialed his number.
"Shumacker Residence, it's two in the morning so this better be important," he answered.
"Oh believe me, it is," she said.
"Ash?" he asked. "Don't you have your writing class in the morning?"
"I can't sleep," she said. "And I needed someone to talk to. I figured you'd be up."
"Well I'm up but my family isn't," he said, and she heard the telltale horror movie sound effects be muted. "So what's going on?"
"Crazy story. Are you ready?"
"Is this crazy crazy? Or 'I saw Jesus the messiah in a waffle' crazy?"
"It depends. How religious are you?"
"You know I'm Jewish."
"Okay, then it's the former. Sam. Yesterday I inadvertently met my Dad," she said. There was silence on the line. "Did you hear me? I said-."
"I heard you," he said. "……. Tree house? Five minutes?"
"Yeah, okay," she stated, and hung up.
After throwing on a robe, she snuck out the back door and climbed up the tree house boards in her hippo slippers. They rarely used the tree house anymore, only if they were studying or she had a date and wanted a place to make out. That rarely happened, and when it did it usually ended with Sam finding out and saying that she'd defiled the Friend Spot. Which meant her dates would split. But tonight it was coming to be of use again.
He climbed in a few minutes after her.
"What the HELL is going on?" he asked, obviously thrown.
"Isn't fate grand?" she asked.
"I'm not sure," he stated. "Start from the beginning." She gave him the abridged version, which only took fifteen minutes.
"So he's working in Dinkytown and he's a successful business owner but I think I don't like him," she said. "I mean, after all that stuff he did to my Mom. The cheating, the stripper. Oh by the way, the stripper had the same name as you."
"No wonder your Mom prefers to call me Samuel," he said. "But he wants to be in your life, right?"
"Yep."
"But you aren't excited?"
"Nope. What should I do?"
"…. Ashleigh, you just called me away from 'The Hills Have Eyes' to kvetch about your scummy Dad?"
"Hey, I thought it was big news!"
"It is big news, but I sure as hell can't help you figure this out!" he exclaimed. "I mean, come on! Only you can figure this out for yourself! You know that." She sighed.
"Yeah, I suppose," she stated. "Well…. Thanks anyway."
"Can I go back to my movie?"
"Aren't you going to give me a hug or anything?" she asked.
"Ash, come ON," he said, and she stuck out her lower lip. He sighed, and hugged her. "There, you got a hug. Look, go to bed, think about it for a couple days. Sleep can make things a lot clearer than they were the night before."
"Yeah, probably," she said. "Thanks. Go back to your sadistic movie." He nodded, and climbed out of the tree house. She followed, and they stood on the grass.
"Are you okay?" he asked. "Because this is a lot to have to deal with."
"I'm fine," she said.
"Are you?"
"Yes!" she said firmly. He nodded, and they went their separate ways.
She got under the covers and stared at the ceiling. Maybe Sam was right. Maybe sleep would make things a little clearer. But at the same time, repressing all these feelings was getting to be a burden
Jackie stared at the phone in her store. It was beckoning her to take that number she'd looked up and dial it. She tapped her fingers on the counter, and cringed. She grabbed the phone, and dialed. She pursed her lips as she waited for the other end to pick up.
"Grooves in Dinkytown." She hung up quickly, and put her hands to her face. She growled, and hit her forehead repeatedly.
"For an independent woman you are still such a wuss," she muttered to herself, and hit the redial button.
"Grooves in Dinkytown."
"….. Hi. It's me. Jackie."
"….. Yeah, I know. Are you the one just called me and hung up?" he asked. "Like, three times already today?"
"Yeah, that all was me," she said.
"….. What's going on?" he asked.
"I just wanted to tell you that I talked to Ash last night," she said.
"How did it go?"
"…. It's hard to say."
"What did you tell her?"
"I told her everything about you and me."
"Aw crap! I can't believe this!"
"What, was I supposed to lie?" Jackie asked, angrily.
"No, but now I sound like the total jackass I used to be and she probably won't want to see me ever again!" he exclaimed.
"Now I'm sure that's not true," Jackie said.
"Jacks, think about it. You're a fifteen year old girl raised by a single Mom. You meet your Dad, and you find out that he did to your Mom all the things I did to you. Would you want him in your life?" he asked. Jackie paused for a little while.
"Personally?... No."
"See?"
"But let me clause this!" she continued. "I am a spiteful person who likes to hold grudges. Ash is much more forgiving that I am."
"Where did she learn that?"
"Her Uncle Paul."
"Since when do you have a brother?"
"Since when weren't you a jackass anymore?"
"Ah, well met," he said, and she laughed a little bit. "Well, I guess all I can do is wait."
"I guess…. So, I guess that's all I called about," she said, and bit her lip.
"Oh…. Well, okay…. I guess…. See ya?"
"Yeah, see ya," she said, and hung up. She then hit the counter a couple of times. She hated thinking about all of it. She had considered calling Steven and telling him. She really had…
She had returned home from the doctor, and leaned against the door of her apartment. She still knew his number, it was just as easy as picking up the phone and calling him. 'Hi Steven. It's Jackie. I know I left, but I'm pregnant and it's yours, so…' She shook her head, and decided to turn on the radio. She flipped it on, and sat in her chair, thinking as best she could. I just need a sign, she thought. I don't normally pay attention to signs, but tonight I could really use one.
And coincidence ended up setting the course she took. For on the radio, Bob Dylan's strumming came through. She looked at the radio, and listened to the song she had come to hate. My God how she hated it, and was living not five blocks away from where the hated composer had lived when he was around her age. Now he was singing about her. She burst into tears, feeling utterly alone and desperate. She sobbed into her hands, and listened to Bob Dylan.
You never turned around to see the frowns on the jugglers and the clowns
When they all come down and did tricks for you
You never understood that it ain't no good
You shouldn't let other people get your kicks for you
You used to ride on the chrome horse with your diplomat
Who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat
Ain't it hard when you discover that
He really wasn't where it's at
After he took from you everything he could steal.
She wailed, and hit the chair a few times. What the fuck was she going to do now? He just saw her as a rolling stone, how could she go back to that? She put a hand over her stomach, her stomach that looked so normal but was anything but, and covered her mouth with her other hand so as not to disturb her neighbors.
How does it feel?
How does it feel?
To be on your own?
With no direction home?
Like a complete unknown?
Like a rolling stone?
Jackie shook the memory from her mind. Why was it that she could suppress him for 16 years, and then in one day it would all flood back to her? Steven Hyde, you drive me crazy, she thought, and went to help a customer.
Ash hadn't been able to pay attention in class that day. She hadn't listened to the teacher and she had barely worked on her final writing piece, even though they were given a block of time to do so. She stared at her paper, trying her damnedest to write but unable to. She just scribbled out random words in an attempt at ideas through association, but it wasn't working. She just scribbled over each word and crossed her arms.
"Ashleigh?" the teacher said, standing above her. "Having a writer's block?"
"Yeah," she said. "I'm not really…. I can't think of anything to write about, I guess." He smiled, and pat her shoulder.
"It happens to the best of us," he said. "Just take your time. Explore your feelings and you'll find an answer." She smiled as best she could.
"Yeah, I don't doubt it," she said. "I'm thinking….zombies and vampires." He chuckled, and she smirked at him.
"I have a feeling the class is in store for something truly strange," he said.
"Oh, don't you know it," she stated. She went back to her scrap paper, and thought about what he said. Explore your feelings and you'll find an answer. She couldn't help but apply it to her OTHER problem, the problem no one around her knew about.
Adrian sat next to her.
"Zombie and vampires?" he asked.
"Oh what, now you're eavesdropping?" she demanded.
"No," he said, and leered at her. "It just sounds like something you'd write, that's all."
"Well what are YOU writing?" she asked.
"Nothing special," he answered.
"Ah. Well that sounds like something you'd write," she said.
"Ouch," he stated, and stood. She smiled about her zinger. At least that was going okay. "I enjoy our verbal sparring." She was caught off guard by this statement, and looked at him, confused. He just smiled smugly, and went back to his stuff. She found herself watching him, and then stared back at her paper. Jerk.
She biked home, and plopped down on the couch to watch a movie. The phone rang. She grabbed it.
"Hello?"
"Ash, it's Paul."
"Hey Paul."
"How are you?"
"I'm fine, why?"
"Well, considering everything that's going on, I thought that I'd ask," he said.
"Paul, I'm fine!" she said, laughing a little bit in an attempt to sound fine. After all, if she sounded it she would be it. "Really, I'm doing a lot of thinking and I'm completely fine." Paul knew not to press the issue with her, so he decided to drop it.
"Okay," he said. "I can't imagine your mother is home yet…"
"Nope," Ash said. "Just watching a movie by myself."
"What movie?"
" 'A Clockwork Orange'."
"…. Lovely," Paul said. "You're not even sixteen yet, you shouldn't be watching that movie!"
"Hey, I've read the book like five times, okay?" she said. "Mom said that if I read the book I could watch the movie, and I did read it. So it's only fair. Come on, you know I own it!"
"Yes yes yes," Paul said. "Look, I'm going to ask one more time. Do you want to talk?"
"No," she said. "Everyone needs to stop asking me that."
"Okay," he said. "Well, enjoy your exploration in depravity."
"Thanks Paul. Bye." She hung up, and wrapped a blanket around herself as she watched. The phone rang again. She grabbed it, getting slightly irritated.
"Hello?"
"I just got your message!" Maddie exclaimed. "SWEETIE!! I am coming over right away!"
"You don't have to-."
"No, I'm already on my way out the door with the car keys!!"
"…. Maddie, you have no driver's license yet," Ash said. "How are you going to drive?"
"Oh psh, don't worry about that, Mom and Dad are at Tyler's t ball game, and the team is going out for pizza afterwards, they won't be home for hours."
"That wasn't really what I meant…" But Maddie hung up.
Maddie arrived with a tub of ice cream and three chick flicks.
"I have just what we need!" she said, smiling widely.
"Mads, I'm not mourning over a break up, I'm just really freaked out about my Dad," Ash said.
"Ice cream and 'Dirty Dancing' will always cure what ails you," Maddie said. "Okay, tell me what's going on. From the top." There was a knocking on the back porch door. Ash turned, and Maddie ran to it. "I took the liberty of inviting Sam too."
"Jesus, why didn't you just throw Shelly into the mix too?" Ash asked.
"Uh, she's at Concordia Language Camp for the next two weeks," Maddie said, flipping her blonde hair. "Come on, Ash, you knew that."
"Again, you've missed the point," Ash said, and Maddie let Sam in. "Hello, Sam."
"Ash, Maddie," he said. "Ooh! Ice cream and Jennifer Grey, I'm in HEAVEN!"
"Well that's too bad, because we're watching 'A Clockwork Orange'," Ash said. "Ice cream and Malcolm McDowell is MY idea of heaven."
"Um, that movie is NOT something to watch when you're already angry," Maddie said. "Now if you'll just hand me the VCR remote-."
"Touch it and die, Mads," Ash said.
"So okay, let's catch Maddie up," Sam said, and Ash told her the story. Maddie listened, and they all ate the ice cream with the spoons she'd brought. Maddie actually put the spoon down in disgust a couple times. When it was all over, she was leaning on the couch, contemplating.
"….. A stripper, huh?" she asked. Ash and Sam nodded.
"Yah," Ash said, and Maddie tapped her spoon against her lips.
"A trashy bottle blonde stripper from Vegas."
"Uh huh."
"….. Well screw him!" Maddie exclaimed.
"Maddie!" Ash and Sam both said.
"What?!" Maddie exclaimed. "Now I'm glad we're watching a movie about violence and rape and all those horrible things, it helps me vent!"
"Look, I'm just lost right now and trying to figure it all out," Ash said. "Ice cream and movies aren't going to solve this problem, but the fact that you, Sam, have listened to this whole thing twice, and YOU, Maddie, have broke the traffic laws to get here… it means a lot." Maddie and Sam both smiled.
"Wait, Maddie, what did you do?" Sam asked.
"…. I drove."
"Jesus."
"It's SO not a big deal," she said, propping her sandal clad foot against the coffee table. "I'm a good driver, and I'm THIS close to getting my license."
"THIS close, and actually having the license are not interchangeable," Ash said.
"Oh whatever," Maddie said. "You just concern yourself with your stripper loving Dad, not my driving abilities."
"Man, you are REALLY hung up on the stripper thing," Sam said.
"Who would pick a stripper over your Mom?" Maddie asked. "She's pretty, she's smart, she's totally cool with your friends and stuff…"
"She's high maintenance, she's incredibly self absorbed at times," Ash listed.
"But she isn't a STRIPPER!" Maddie exclaimed. Ash burst out laughing, and hit Maddie with a pillow. "Ow. I guess my only question is are you holding up okay?"
Ash was getting pretty sick of this question. Had she led them to believe otherwise? Why couldn't people just take it at face value? She was fine.
"Yeah, I'm cool," Ash said, and looked back at the TV. "…. Let's just watch the rest of the movie."
Jackie returned home at nine, to find Ash asleep on the couch. When she went to cover her with more blanket, Ash sat up abruptly.
"JEEZE!" Jackie exclaimed. "Give me a heart attack!"
"Sorry," Ash said. "I guess I'm a light sleeper today."
"I guess," Jackie said. "So…. Have you thought about your father?"
"Yes," Ash said. "And I'm going to keep thinking about it, if that's okay by you."
"It's fine," Jackie said. "But I talked to him today, and he sounds really…. Out of character and almost anxious to get to know you."
"Well he will have to wait like everyone else," Ash said, standing up.
"Okay," Jackie said. "…. Are you okay?"
"I'm FINE!" Ash snapped. "God, why does everyone keep asking me that?! Stop prodding me about him and STOP ASKING IF I'M OKAY! CUZ I'M FINE!" She stormed up the steps, and slammed her door. Jackie cringed at the slam, and then sighed as White Zombie blasted from her room. Claudius ran downstairs to escape the angry music, and Jackie walked to the sink and rested her hands on it. She had always been free and open with her feelings, but Ash was a different story. She held them in, hoping if she did that they would just go away. It was hard to deal with for Jackie, and they would usually both get mad until Ash either a) did forget about them, or b) exploded in a blind fury or sadness. With this situation, Jackie didn't know which the favorable outcome was. To forget about Steven or melt down over him…. Jackie had tried the first but always ended up doing the second. And she knew everything about him. For their daughter who knew nothing about him? The situation was unimaginable.
Ash biked by Grooves Friday morning, and slowed her bike to a stop when she saw her Dad through the window. He was sorting records, and he looked like hell. She walked to the window, and peered through it. What could she say? He had treated her Mom so awfully, and threw her aside over and over again. And yet Ash was so drawn to his damn store. No, not the store. Him. She tilted her head, and Hyde looked up. Ash pulled away from the window, and leapt on her bike.
Hyde had seen her, and rushed from the store.
"Ash!" he called, and she ignored him as she pedaled with all her might. She bit her lip, and ignored his calls. She shook her head, and just kept going. Even though she could hear the pleading in his voice, the wounds were still open and bleeding. She decided to face the demon, slowed her bike, and turned to look at him. Oh God, this is going to be worse than I ever imagined, she thought.
"Ash, hey," he said. "I talked to your Mom, and she told me that she told you everything about me."
"Yeah, she did," she said, her voice trembling from… was it fear? Sadness? Excitement? He couldn't tell.
"Well, I just wanted to tell you that everything that happened between us, it wasn't really anyone's fault-," he began, and she threw her arms in the air.
"OH COME ON!" Ash shouted, surprised at her harshness. He was surprised too. I guess that trembling was rage, he thought. "She told me everything you did to her! The cheating, the stripper, everything!"
"Yeah, I know how the things I did affected her, and-."
"How can you know?!" she yelled. "You don't know anything about my Mom, or me! Now you think that since you know I exist you can just waltz in and repair everything you've done to her because I am a product of your FUCKED UP relationship?! Yeah right!" Fucking A I'm a goddamn Chernobyl, she thought frantically.
"Ash, just let me explain some things-."
"SHUT UP! I don't want to hear it!" she snapped, and her resentment towards a lack of a Dad began to take her over. She had never cared about who he was until she knew who he was, it was strange and surreal. The years of not knowing him, and finding out WHY…. It was too much for a fifteen year old to take. "Even if she had told you about me, would that have changed anything? I seriously doubt it! If I were her I would have forgotten about you after the fucking stripper! White trash bastard!! Get FUCKED!!" With that, she leapt back on her bike, and biked as fast as she could, swallowing her emotions the entire way.
She got to Folwell Hall, and chained her bike up, out of breath. She rested against a tree, and exhaled a few times. Keep it together, she thought. Just get through the day, and then figure it all out when you get home. For God's sake, keep it together. You need to keep it together. She held her hands against her head, and took in a few more breaths. Once the panic had seeped back into her, she walked into the building.
Hyde had stopped following her, and just stood in the sidewalk as the 8:55am wind blew through the streets. His daughter had not only called him white trash, she had told him to get fucked. He hadn't hurt this bad since…. Since her Mom left. He sighed, and put a hand to his mouth. He felt sickness rising up, and walked back to his store trying to keep from yelling in frustration and self loathing.
Ash resting her head in her hands and staring at the table on the class break. She was so exhausted her eyes hurt. Her hands let go by accident, and head hit the table. She swore, and rubbed her hand on her forehead.
Adrian sat down next to her.
"Sleepy?" he asked.
"How could you tell?" she responded, bleakly.
"Well the fact you're about to fall asleep doesn't really make it a subtlety," he said. "I hope you weren't up all night writing and rewriting."
"No, I have other things on my mind right now."
"Heh. How bad could they be? Story not turn out as perfect as you'd hoped?"
"Please go to hell."
"Aw come on, Ash, I'm just trying to make conversation," he said, and she looked at him with dark circles under her eyes. "Wow, you look like hell."
"Whenever you try to be nice, it ends up sounding like you're a total ASS," she snapped.
"Why are you such a bitch today?" he asked, and she threw his papers in his face and stormed from the classroom. She stomped down the hallway, and punched a wall in her anger and frustration at every aspect of her life. Even though it hurt like hell, she hit the wall again, hating everything that had gone on that morning, and slapped her hands against the marble walls over and over.
Adrian had followed her. She turned, and he waved a little bit.
"So… You aren't a bitch," he said. "I'm sorry. I can tell you're distressed and shouldn't have said that. Do you want to talk about it?"
"No!" she snapped. "I don't want to talk about it! Why doesn't anyone understand that I don't want to talk about it?!"
"Well sometimes talking can help," he said, holding up his hands. "Maybe at least cure the crazy eye thing you have going on today-."
"I don't need help!" she growled. "I need to be left alone!"
"Hah! If you think I'm going to leave you alone right now you're REALLY crazy," he said. "You're clearly upset and I'm not going to let you shove me away because you think of me as some kind of Moriarty to your Holmes."
"Why can't you just go away!" she snarled. "I don't need help with this! My Mom and I are fine, I don't need him! We've been fine without him for FIFTEEN YEARS!"
"You don't need who?" he asked, and she paced from wall to wall in the empty hallway. "Ashleigh….. You clearly aren't fine. What is going on? Two days ago you were completely normal. Snarky, but normal, and…. I kind of want snarky Ashleigh back, because devastated Ashleigh, well, she kind of scares me." She hugged herself, continuing to pace but slower now.
"Ashleigh," he said, and grabbed her shoulders. She stared up at the sixteen year old, and felt her stoicism begin to crumble. "I know that tortured writers write the best stuff. Hell, John Kennedy Toole wrote 'Confederacy of Dunces' and it got him a Pulitzer, but his demons got him before he got it. You're only fifteen. I don't want you to be a tortured writer before you can even drive." She felt her chin quiver, and she burst into the tears that had been repressed since two days before. Adrian didn't really know what to do, so as a teenage boy, he put an arm around her shoulders. She sank to the floor, and he wrapped his arms around her. She clutched the arm of her self proclaimed enemy, and sobbed. When the teacher came outside the classroom to see where they were, Adrian just held up a hand, telling him that they needed some time. He rocked her slowly, completely winging it, and she held him tightly. She didn't ever stop to think about why she was clutching her nemesis so closely to herself. The comfort was all that mattered.