Bella, squinting, peered out the blinds of their cramped trailer. A coyote's mournful cry wavered in the desolate Nevada wasteland.
"Damn coyotes have been crying all night," Bella complained. "I wish they'd shut up so I could get some sleep."
"You need to shut up," Edward replied absentmindedly. "You talk too much."
"Shut your GOTdamn mouth," Bella shouted.
"Why don't you give me a demonstration?" Edward shouted back.
The sound of broken glass spraying across the outside of their trailer shut them both up. The two of them went outside to investigate.
They discovered a stumbling Jacob, howling drunkenly amidst a thousand glittering shards of glass, the remnants of an empty whiskey bottle.
Bella lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply, exhaling smoke through her nostrils. "Why are you here?" she asked.
"I want to be," he began, slurring his words, "I want to be a better father. Where that daughter we got...Susie Joe?"
"You mean Mary Sue?" Bella replied.
"Yeah, that chick," Jacob was having difficulty standing. "I want to be a better father to her."
"She's dead," Bella replied.
"No kidding?" Jacob asked.
"No, shut the fuck up." Bella took another drag of the cigarette. "Well Edward, now you know my terrible secret. I had an affair with Jacob."
"What now?" Edward was gazing at a cactus. "I wasn't paying attention."
"I said I cheated on you, asshole. What do you think of that?"
"I think thats a great idea," Edward replied. "Are you going to go run off with him now?"
"Hell no," Jacob
spat. "I don't want that fat bitch."
"Well I sure
as hell don't want her," Edward yelled.
"Shut up, both of you!" Bella screeched. "Edward, I remember when you would have died to defend my honor!"
"Oh really? Because I can't remember when you had any honor to defend!" Edward hollered back.
Bella ran over to Jacob's remaining whiskey bottle. Picking it up, she hurled it at Edward, who ducked. This bottle, made of plastic, bounced off the side of the trailer into Jacob's stomach, who began vomiting in response to the insult to his gastrointestinal tract.
"You're always making messes!" Edward shouted at Bella.
"YOU DON'T LOVE ME!" Bella screamed back.
Jacob began to howl amidst the vomiting.
"Shit," Bella realized, "We're missing the new episode of Wife Swap."
Edward and Bella rushed into the trailer, temporarily functional once again. Whatever remaining hot flames of passion were replaced by the soft warm glow of the television. Although their marriage is an unhappy one at best, the two of them still fared better than Jacob, left vomiting and shivering in the cold Nevada night. But with marriage, some can only hope for that much - a loveless union bound by gold-plated nickel rings and a secondhand television set.