Bella finished her cigarette and turned to put it out in the ashtray. Noting the glass vessel was saturated with old cigarettes, she coughed and glared at Edward. "Why don't you ever empty the damn ashtray?"

"I don't smoke, why the hell should I do it?" Edward replied. "You taste like an ashtray," he added in spite.

"How would you know? You never kiss me!" Bella screamed.

"Stop screaming so much! I have a headache you sparkling asshole!" he screamed back.

A knock was heard at the trailer door. "You and your damn headaches," Bella said. "I hope its a tumor." She opened the door. "Renesmee! What are you doing here?"

Renesmee, the daughter of Edward and Bella, showed up at the door with 3 nose piercings and a shaved head. A tattoo of a fairy flanked her right cheek. "My World

of Warcraft guild's reunion is in Reno this year," she said. She noted the smell of stale cigarettes wafting from the trailer. "You got one I can bum, ma?"

"Sure sweetie," Bella said, waddling over to her carton.

"Oh great, kill our daughter," Edward sneered. "Not like you have to worry about lung cancer, you're undead."

"Undead? UNDEAD?" Bella hollered at him. "You make me feel like I am dead and in hell!"

"Yeah? Well the feeling is mutual sweetheart, but I can't help but to feel a little misplaced since the natives around here make it seem like I'm stuck in the gluttonous

circle of hell!"

"Fuck you!" Bella screamed.

"Look ma," Renesmee interrupted. "I wanted to tell you something important." She took a deep breath. "Ma, I'm a lesbian."

"WHAT! WHAT!" Bella continued screaming. "Edward look what you've turned our daughter into! Some fairycheeked womenloving hooligan! How the hell can she be

interested in men with a father figure like you around?"

"Oh yeah, theres no way you could spoil her for women, considering your womanly figure is lost somewhere between amorphous blob and beluga whale!" Edward

retorted.

"Stop it!" Renesmee cried. "Stop it, both of you! It's nothing you two have done. Its the way I am. Please just try to support me."

"Sweetheart," Bella said, "I'll support you no matter what. Your father, on the other hand, cannot because he is a lazyass pile of garbage who wont get a job."

"I meant emotional support, not financial," Renesmee sighed.

"If you want to support a building, put your mother under it," Edward chirped. "She has enough mass to do it."

"If you want to meet my girlfriend," Renesmee cut in, shooting a dark look at her father, "You can meet her tomorrow. She's a caecalia so I'll have to bring her tank."

Bella perked up at the thought of the half-human half-octopus monster. "I've heard of those!" she exclaimed. "I always considered running away with one of them."

"The only running you do is running your goddamn mouth," Edward muttered.

"Bastard! I've had it!" Bella started grabbing trash off the floor and hurling it at her husband. "I wish you were dead!" She yelled.

"Me too!" He yelled back.

Bella unveiled a large bottle of gin underneath a pile of KFC containers. "Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin," she breathed.

"Giiiiiiiiin?" Edward gasped.

"Giiiiiiiiin." 15-year-old Renesmee exclaimed ecstatically.

Hammered, the small family laughed and cried together as one, the first happy reunion any of them could recall. Although they were not necessarily a functional family

unit - indeed, far from it - the mysteries of the ethanol were enough to tie them all together, at least until the hangover.