Edward whispered a hushed goodbye and put the phone down discreetly. Bella, who had been engaged in a hyperglycemic stupor, stopped snoring and eyed Edward suspiciously.

"Who were you talking to?" she demanded.

"None of your business," he replied.

"Dammit," she hollered, "If you're calling up those damn sexlines again, I can't afford it."

"Oh yeah! Can't afford 1.99 a minute but can buy 3 buckets of KFC a day!"

Bella snatched up one of the referenced buckets and hurled it at his head. "I get an employee discount!" she screamed.

Their lovers quarrel was interrupted by a loud pounding on the trailer's door.

"Who the hell could it be?" Bella wondered aloud. She opened the door and a blonde woman burst into the trailer. Beads of sweat trickled down the sides of her face.

"I'm here," she shouted, brandishing her stake. "Where is the bloodsucking monster?"

Bella blinked, then glared at Edward. "You called Buffy the vampire slayer to kill me?"

Edward pointed at Bella. "There she is, kill her, kill her now."

Bella scowled. "You son of a bitch!"

Buffy scrutinized both parties. "You don't look like typical vampires," Buffy said, confused.

"No, I'm a vampire," Bella protested. She walked into the sun, where she began to sparkle. "Vampires sparkle, see?"

Buffy threw down her stake. "Vampires don't sparkle! What is this? How are you a vampire? Do you drink blood?"

Bella shook her head and held up a bucket. "Hell no, you can get diseases that way. I eat chicken."

"She doesn't eat it," Edward corrected. "She scarfs it down. Have you ever seen the Rancor from Star Wars?"

Bella, in fury, took a drumstick out of the bucket and threw it at Edward. It bounced off his shoulder and rolled across the dirt. "Oh no, my chicken!" Bella cried in panic, scrambling after it.

"So are you going to kill her or what?" Edward demanded.

"I've never seen a vampire that fat," Buffy told him. "I don't think she counts. Also, she only eats chicken."

"She's obnoxious," Edward whined.

"She's your wife," Buffy replied.

"Doesn't have to be," he winked.

Buffy looked a little pale. "I want to leave now," she said. She left the trailer, hardly noticing Bella rolling on the Nevada desert slobbering over chicken.

"I need a new job," Buffy muttered, driving off into the sunset.

Bella picked herself up off the ground and brushed the dirt off of her sweatpants. Strolling back into the trailer, she sat next to Edward on the couch. Sighing a little, she told him, "Well, what would a marriage be without the occasional assassination attempt?"

Edward shrugged. "About as empty as one of your chicken buckets if you've been around it for 30 seconds," he replied.

"Bastard!" Bella screamed.

And so, it was the end to another uneventful day for the Cullens. Some marriages are based on love, some on money - for the Cullens, it was some cocktail of laziness, gluttony, and the fear of being alone. For some, however, this is all they need; and where happiness fails, chicken thrives.