Bella and Edward, 30 years into the future - The Final Chapter

Please read the previous chapters before reading this one.

Bella lay prone, snoring, on the faded couch. Alas, the couch had not been the only thing to have faded over the years - Bella's looks, Bella's smile, Bella's life - had

all felt the 30-year sting of wear and tear. Bella snorted and flopped onto her side amidst her slumber. Lost in the valley of dreams, she thought of better days - no,

my mistake, she thought of ham. But despite my desire to over-romanticize an obese middle-aged woman's life, she did hold within her heart something more than

atherosclerotic plaques - she held hope that her husband, someday, would return to her.

That's when the knock came.

Edward stood at the trailer door, waiting for Bella to open it. It had been 10 years since he'd seen her - did he miss her? No, no really. His life was in shambles even

more than usual this week and he needed the only person who would acknowledge him with something other than a rape whistle. Edward's life had fallen to pieces

within the past 30 years - his daughter was whisked away, living in an underwater castle with her half-octopus half-human lesbian lover, his arch nemesis had

fathered an illegitimate child on his obese wife, and his vampire powers which had promised him youth, love, and glory for all eternity had been gambled off in a

Knick's game. He regretted so much - but most of all, not betting favorably on the Yankees.

Figuring it wasn't a break-in if the door couldn't close all the way, he stepped into the small trailer and announced "Honey, I'm home!" Bella woke up with a snort.

"Babe!" she shouted, trying to gain the momentum to roll off the couch. Grunting, she finally scrambled over to Edward. "Babe! You've come back to me! What made

you want to return?"

"I missed you so much babe I couldn't handle it," Edward lied. He'd burned down his small trailer by trying to make a cheesy pita in the oven and leaving it in for too

long.

"Well that's good you're back," Bella replied. "I'm out of gin and I really don't want to walk to the grocery store. Also, I don't know where you'll sleep, since i sold the

bed to pay for fried chicken."

"You and your chicken!" Edward hollered. "I'm surprised they haven't gone extinct with you around!"

"Get a job!" Bella hollered back.

Jacob, suddenly, burst into the trailer. "I'm back! I love you! Encompass me into your soft doughy arms, bitch!" Jacob's car, which had once also served as his home,

had been driven into a lake due to shoddy GPS navigation.

Bella gasped, confronted with something resembling a love triangle.

"You have fur to keep you warm at night!" Edward yelled at Jacob, who (as everyone has gathered at this point) was a werewolf.

"Well I'm sick of coyotes going up in my business when I have to sleep outside!" Jacob yelled back.

"Oh yeah, you think it'll be better living here? You've got a rude awakening coming," Edward retorted.

"Oh, good point," Jacob mused.

"Stop it! Stop it both of you!" Bella screeched."I know you're both in love with me - easy to understand, really - but I don't have enough room to keep both of you!

Why don't you fight it out?"

Jacob and Edward stared at eachother, waiting for the other to throw the first punch. The two of them simultaneously realized there was no way it was worth it;

what kind of prize was a disgruntled obese high-strung vampire or her run-down fried-chicken-filled trailer? Not a prize worth putting effort into.

"Nah," Jacob shrugged. He left the trailer and headed to the Reno library, where he could access Craigslist and try to find another mythical creature to shack up

with.

Edward turned around. "Well its me or crushing loneliness," he informed Bella.

Bella had since fallen asleep, cigarette still hanging from the side of her mouth. Snoring loudly, she didn't notice as Jacob sat on the couch next to her, turned on the

television and scratched himself. So what truly provided the longevity in their relationship? Not communication, not passion, not trust; no, what kept them together

were shoddy electrical appliances and the need to be liquored up. Throughout the years, the scars forming on Bella's liver mirrored the scars forming on her

relationship with Edward. Unlike her liver, however, which was quickly being destroyed, the metaphorical collagen on their relationship held them more strongly

together than pushed them apart. And as the sun set on the Reno skyline, Edward realized (heart sinking, pulse pounding) that he and Bella would be together

forever. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what fairytale endings are made of.

THE END.