Title: Confessions and Forever
Author: Tara Kitaide
Disclaimer: I do not own the series BLEACH nor is any copyright infringement intended with the release of this fan fiction. All characters are property of Kubo Tite.
Pairing: Renji x Ichigo (one sided), slight Ichigo x Orihime
It had been a few weeks sense Renji's confession. As hard as it was, Renji had tried to act normally and smile like everything was alright. There must have been times though when he failed because Ururu would ask if he was okay. Of course he had lied and said he was.
He wasn't okay. He tried to convince himself he was happy for Ichigo and Orihime. He had tried to force himself out of his stupor but it was nearly impossible. The harder he tried, the more it made him dwell on things he knew he didn't and could never have. Like those bright smiles Ichigo rarely shone or the feeling of the younger man in his arms or even being able to kiss him softly on the lips. Even small things, like Ichigo opening up to him, were gone. Now that Ichigo had Orihime… Now that Ichigo was... engaged.
Renji had almost wanted to kill himself when he'd heard that. He knew Ichigo would never be his and never could. Ichigo and Orihime were perfect for each other, two halves that equaled a whole. He knew but he still couldn't help the overwhelming feeling of dread that clenched his heart; the overwhelming feeling of misery.
Looking out his bedroom window those feeling came back to Renji almost ten-fold. He recalled those smiling happy faces. Rukia and the rest of them had been happy for their two friends and Ichigo and Orihime were smiling and embracing. He didn't cry though. He'd cried so much that he figured there were no more tears left to fall from his tired eyes.
"Thats just fine with me." He'd said, taking a swig of his sake. It was early in the day but he was already through a bottle of the liquor. That was all he seemed to do lately, drink himself into forgetting. It was, to him, the only comfort he had left.
A dull knock on his door had him sitting upright. He quickly gathered up the sake bottles, empty or not, and put them in the closet. It didn't matter if it was Urahara or whoever at the door, he didn't want anyone to see him so down. "Hold on a second!" He straightened himself as best as he could and prepared himself for any barrage of questions or comments from whomever it may be.
No amount of preparation could have stopped the rush of panic as his eyes rest on Ichigo.
The young man looked up at Renji and the red-head felt his breath catch. Ichigo tried to keep the look on his face a normal greeting but it was hard when Renji looked at him with panic in his eyes. He knew Renji wouldn't be in the best condition after everything and he wasn't sure if seeing him was the best thing, but he had to talk to Renji. They had both been holding this off for too long.
"Hey Renji." Ichigo tried to smile a little. "Long time no see, eh?"
Renji cleared his throat and tried to snap into the Renji Ichigo knew, the one that was happy for his friend's engagement. He pushed away the turmoil in his heart and mind and quickly smiled back. "Yeah, it's been awhile." He swallowed. "What's it that you need?"
Ichigo's smile faltered a little as he heard the strain in his friend's voice. "I was wondering... if we could talk for a little bit."
Renji, despite the pain in his head, nodded and stepped aside to let Ichigo in. "Sure. Sorry it's not to clean in here. I just woke up a few hours ago and didn't put the bed away yet."
Ichigo stepped in and sat on the tatami mat at the small table in the room. Renji looked at him a moment before starting for the small kitchen attached to his room. "You thirsty? I'll make some tea."
"Sure. Thanks." Ichigo nodded.
Renji walked quickly out of the room and put a hand to his chest. His heart was beating so rapidly in his chest it was painful. How am I going to survive this? He was starting to doubt he could.
Clearing his mind, Renji began making the tea, trying to calm his nerves. It helped to calm him down somewhat but when the tea was done and he thought about the inevitable talk with Ichigo, he felt sick all over again. Renji took a few deep breaths as he poured the tea, before picking up their cups and going back into the room.
"So was there anything in particular you wanted to talk to me about Ichigo?"
Ichigo looked up at his red haired friend as he sat opposite of him on the floor. He took the cup he was handed and held it firmly in his hands, watching Renji closely.
His friend was defiantly worse than the last time he'd seen him. Renji's eyes were now heavy with dark bags under them. Even the Shinigami's normally tan skin was a sickly pale. Ichigo felt a wave of guilt wash over him. It was because of him that Renji had hidden himself away for so long and ended up in the condition he was currently in. When Renji tried to smile at him, Ichigo felt much worse.
"I was just wondering... how you were doing is all. You don't look so good."
Renji flashed Ichigo his signature grin as best he could. "Ah, well, there hasn't been a lot of hollow activity and I'm kinda on leave. I've just been occupying my time with... sleeping. Not much has been going on, so..."
Ichigo looked down at his cup and nodded a little. "Oh."
"Yeah. Sorry I haven't been coming over. I just thought you'd be busy, ya know? With you and Orihime... being engaged and all..." Renji said that last part as best he could but Ichigo could sense the falter in his friend's voice.
The young man set the cup on the table and bit his bottom lip. "Yeah... well she's been rather excited over it. Things have been... I guess tiresome..."
"I see..." Renji looked down for a moment before sipping some of his tea. "What about Rukia?"
"She's been helping out with everything. She's a little worried about you but other than that, things are... I guess things are fine..."
Renji nodded again and the air around them fell awkwardly silent.
It was hard to fake a smile and act like he was fine. Renji had thought of nothing but Ichigo and Orihime's engagement for the past week. It pained him every time he thought of that smile that had been on Orihime's face and the matching one on Ichigo's. He could do nothing but congratulate his love and wish him the best as he fell apart internally. As Renji looked at a sullen Ichigo, he felt his heart break a new.
"What about you?" Renji asked, breaking the silence. "Have you been well?"
Ichigo began fiddling with the cup and Renji caught a glimpse of the silver engagement ring on the younger man's finger. It was a silver band with an intricate design etched on the surface. Three diamonds were impeded in the design, all organized neatly. It was beautiful and even more so on Ichigo but when Renji thought of its significance, what it stood to represent, he began to loath it.
Lifting the cup, Ichigo noticed Renji's eyes follow the ring. Quickly, he took a sip of the tea and put the cup down, hiding his hands under the table. He felt guilty for not taking it off before he came. "I... well I guess I've been okay but... Renji...?"
Said man looked up at Ichigo and noticed the regrettable look in his friend's eyes. "Yeah, Ichigo?"
Ichigo sighed and looked up at Renji. He had been dreading this but knew he had to apologize or at least something. He knew he could lose Renji completely, no longer a friend or anything else, but he had to make it up to him or at least give him peace of mind. "Renji, you remember that one day when you'd woken up at my house and I'd said you'd passed out drunk?"
Renji felt a sense of dread but nodded. He remembered it all too well, the dream of his promise and the feeling afterwards, like his world was crumbling. "Yes..." He said shakily.
"Renji..." Ichigo started. "That's not what happened." The young man watched as his friend's eyes widened, imaging the fear and panic that must be flowing through him in the moment. Ichigo lowered his head again in guilt and continued. "I was lying down and trying to get to sleep when I heard you come in. I really thought nothing of it but then after awhile I felt you kneeling down next to me and I knew something was wrong."
Ichigo looked back up at Renji and felt tears rush to his eyes. Renji looked like he was about to bolt out of there any moment, pain and regret built up behind those red eyes. It was Ichigo who had done it to him too, Ichigo who hadn't bothered to notice the signs, notice his friend's suffering beforehand. He'd chosen to ignore it, even then when Renji needed him and now it was tearing apart his best friend from the inside.
"I'm sorry, Renji." Ichigo said, trying to keep his voice from breaking. "I know all of this... me being with Orihime... leaving you behind... I know it must hurt. I'm so sorry, Renji." By this time, the tears were streaming down Ichigo's cheek. "If I can do anything... god Renji, I'd do anything to make this up to you. Anything, Renji."
Renji sat, paralyzed. He would have given anything to have whipped those tears off Ichigo's face, to erase any trace of this from his love's memory and continue to suffer in silence. This was too much for his heart to take. It was beating so rapidly in his chest; Renji started counting down the seconds until it'd explode.
He looked at the tears streaking down his love's face and felt his own eyes water. Ichigo was begging him with everything he had for forgiveness, for some way to make up all the pain and anguish. That was impossible though. The only thing that could ease the pain in his heart was if Ichigo was to return his feelings. Renji knew that could never happen and was painfully dealing with that fact.
"Renji...?" Ichigo looked at him after wiping a few of his tears away.
The Shinigami continued to look at him but didn't say anything. Even if he wanted to, he was sure he couldn't. His throat was dry and constricted as he tried to hold back his tears.
"Renji..." Ichigo spoke again. "What can I do...? Tell me what to do to make this better..."
A tear escaped Renji's eye. He wanted to catch it before it rolled down his cheek, wipe it away, but his arms felt like lead. He didn't have the desire or energy to move. He felt if he did, his whole being would shatter under the weight of his heart.
"No." He finally croaked after a few more moments of uncomfortable silence. "No Ichigo, you don't... have to do anything..."
His voice was strained and cracking, something Ichigo had never heard before. Whenever he'd heard Renji speak before, it was always strong, always confident. Even when he was comforting Ichigo, his voice was smooth and soft. Never had he ever heard him so weak.
"Please!" Ichigo begged. "I'll do anything Renji, anything!"
"N-No Ichigo, no... It'd only hurt both of us, nothing good... nothing good would come from this." Renji hung his head, tearing his eyes away from Ichigo. He knew Ichigo would feel like it was his entire fault and try to fix everything. That's what Ichigo did, he fixed things. He lived to make people happy but right now there was nothing in his power he could do to fix this.
"Then at least get mad at me! Hit me or something! I deserve it after all I've made you suffer. I was so stupid I couldn't see you were hurting and it's my fault! Even when I knew, I didn't do a damn thing about it..." Ichigo trailed off. His fists were now clenched by his side. He wouldn't just leave without anything today. He was doing this for Renji as much as he was for himself. He needed to give Renji something or at least make himself hurt so bad he could feel his friend's pain.
"No." Renji repeated. "No Ichigo, I'm sorry but there's nothing you can do... just go..."
Renji, having his head down, couldn't see Ichigo well. His loose matted hair hung in front of his eyes, creating a curtain between them. When Ichigo moved to his knees, he thought it was to stand up and leave.
He was wrong.
Before he knew it, Ichigo was grabbing the front of his shirt roughly from across the small table. The forgotten cups of tea were smashed to the ground as the table was flipped aside in Ichigo's assault. Renji was preparing for a shouting match, maybe even a slap but nether ever came.
Roughly, Ichigo smashed their lips together. Renji's already spinning mind froze in a state of shock as he gasped, allowing Ichigo to slip his tongue in with ease. The heartbroken Shinigami took only a moment of recovery before registering the situation. Ichigo was trying to make it up to him the only way he knew how. This was wrong... this was very wrong...
"St-stop!" Renji gasped, pushing Ichigo away. "Stop it Ichigo, please! This isn't right! You don't want this!"
Ichigo kept at it though, gripping Renji's robes tightly and knocking the Shinigami back onto the floor. Renji struggled and gasped, trying to push the younger man off with all his strength but he was strong. Renji might have been a Shinigami but technically Ichigo was too. There was no way this was going to stop without a fight.
"I'm not going to stop, Renji." Ichigo said as he struggled to hold Renji down. "You deserve this. You deserve to feel something other than pain. You're my friend, Renji. Please let me do this for you."
The younger man started sucking on his neck, sending a shiver down Renji's spine. The Shinigami felt his mouth fall open and his heart ring in his ears. Ichigo's hands snaked down to Renji's sash and began untying it quickly. Before he got a chance to finish, Renji shoved his hands away. This was wrong, so wrong!
"Stop!" Renji shoved Ichigo off him and to the floor. Quickly, without even straightening his cloths, he got up and started for the door. He needed to get out of there, go somewhere far away from all of this where he could forget the pain and weight in his heart.
He had just started for the door when Ichigo bound after him, pinning him to the wall before he could run anywhere. "Why are you resisting so much?!"
"Why are you persisting?!"
"I told you, I'm going to make it up to you! I'll do anything! You deserve this, you need this, Renji!"
Renji stopped and gapped, his mind drawing a blank. He felt tears gather in his eyes again, this time in frustration as well as pain. "No." He cried brokenly. "No Ichigo, no. You have Inoue... you love Inoue, Ichigo..." Renji closed his eyes and repeated the truth out loud for him as well as Ichigo. He needed to remember that Ichigo didn't love him. That he was to be married to Orihime. That he could never love Renji like he loved her. It made all of this hurt more but it was all he could do.
"You have Inoue." He repeated again. "You love her Ichigo, please stop..."
But Ichigo wasn't listening. He was attacking Renji's neck again, sucking on the flesh before him and making his way down. Renji whimpered, shutting his eyes tight as he put his hands on Ichigo's shoulders. His body was reacting despite his protests. If this continued, he knew he'd end up doing something he'd ultimately regret. "Don't..." Renji pleaded, trying once again to push Ichigo off halfheartedly. "Please... Ichigo..."
Ichigo ran his hand under Renji's Shihakushō and brought it down off his shoulders. The older man whimpered as Ichigo attached his mouth to his chest, finding his nipple and sucking.
"Ichigo..." Renji sighed, his body betraying his heart. It felt great, all of his fantasies and dreams were becoming a reality right before his eyes but it wasn't right. In his dreams, Ichigo loved him. In his dreams, Ichigo kissed and caressed and touched him not because he felt obligated to but because he loved him. Right now, this wasn't love Ichigo was giving him. It was pity. It was pay back.
Despite himself, Renji's hands found Ichigo's soft orange hair. He ran his hands through it with one hand as the other clenched it tightly. Ichigo was going lower and lower until Renji could feel him at the base of his pants.
He knew what was going to happen, what Ichigo was going to do. The younger man's hands slipped past his loose sash and down his pelvis. Renji shivered. Ichigo's hands were so soft and cool, just like he'd always imagined they'd be. Slowly, his pants were drawn down around to his ankles. The sudden cool air made him shiver again but soon all he could feel was Ichigo's warm breath.
"God Ichigo, please stop... stop now... you don't have to..." Renji whimpered, tears streaking his face in one final attempt to stop this. "Think of Inoue..."
Ichigo gripped Renji's hips and let his breath ghost across the other man's erection. A sick feeling coiled in his gut but he had decided before he came he would do whatever it took, even if it meant the sexual. Slowly, he stuck out his tongue and carefully licked Renji's erection from base to tip. It wasn't a totally unbearable taste but it wasn't that pleasant ether. Again, he licked the redhead's cock and took it into his mouth slowly.
Renji gasped and the hands in Ichigo's hair gripped tighter. It felt amazing, even more so, but he couldn't stop the tears on his face. It was a sickly sweet sort of pain. The weight in his chest throbbed and fluttered as if his heart would burst from his chest. He moaned and whimpered, unable to stop himself. "Ichigo... Ichigo..." He repeated the name over and over.
The substitute Shinigami stopped, removing his mouth from his friend's now gleaming cock. Before Renji could react, Ichigo was down on his back, his pants around his knees. He dragged Renji down with him, the Shinigami stumbling before finding purchase on his knees above Ichigo.
The broken hearted redhead looked down at Ichigo with wide questioning eyes. He wanted so badly to thrust into that tight body, to feel those soft legs wrapped around his waist and kiss those perfect lips that haunted him for so long. His mind was in a haze, trying to protect its self from the indescribable pain coursing through his body. Renji was beginning to lose himself to Ichigo's soft body.
"Renji." Ichigo called as tears dripped from Renji's face and onto his cheeks. "Take me now." He ordered as he touched his friend's cheek. Never had he ever seen so much pain in those eyes...
Renji gasped a little, his cock twitching at the demand. "Ichigo..." He whimpered, lowering his head onto the pail shoulder. "I can't..."
"You can." Ichigo argued. "You deserve it Renji."
Renji felt a sob escape him as he held Ichigo's body closely to him. "I love you..." He confessed brokenly. "I love you, Ichigo... I don't want to hurt you..."
"I can take it." Ichigo said, his voice monotone. "Do it, Renji. Fuck me."
That was about all the redhead could take. He'd dreamed of those words, of Ichigo begging, pleading him to take him. He knew it wasn't the same. He knew absolutely everything about this was wrong and there was no love in Ichigo's heart for him. At least not the kind of love Renji held for him.
"Damn it." Renji growled before thrusting roughly into Ichigo's body. The younger man screamed out in pain, his back aching like it was about to be torn in half. He felt tears spring to his eyes that were quickly kissed away by the bigger man. It hurt but Ichigo gritted his teeth and didn't say a word. He'd endure it. He'd take this kind of pain for Renji.
After a moment, Renji began thrusting into Ichigo's tight heat. All of it was intoxicating. The way Ichigo gripped his shoulders tightly, the feel of his soft skin against his lips, thrusting in to that beautiful body like he had longed to for so long… it was all too much for his heart to handle. It was all too good to be true.
"Fuck, Ichigo." He growled in the orange-haired man's ear. "Damn it how can you do this to me...? You're so damn perfect..." He thrust again and again, his movements getting harder. He knew this wasn't good for Ichigo, that there was nothing but pain in this for him. He knew but he couldn't stop. He didn't want to stop. He'd dreamed endlessly of this moment, to make Ichigo his. This was the only chance he'd ever get, the only shot he had. It felt too good to let go of.
"Renji..." Ichigo whimpered in pain. He wrapped his arms and legs tightly around the strong body above him, his head rolling back and forth in pain.
The look on Ichigo's face was so hot, Renji felt himself getting close. He thrust harder and faster as Ichigo continued to whimper. He opened his mouth to warn him, to let him know he was coming but it came too late as he released himself inside Ichigo, gripping his hips roughly as he rode out his orgasm.
Ichigo winced at the odd feeling, almost sighing in relief when Renji pulled out. The pain in his back was sharp and stung so very much but he deserved it. He deserved to be hurt by Renji.
Renji's mind was blank for a moment in turmoil as he flopped off of Ichigo's and on to his back. He forgot all about his problems, his unrequited love, Ichigo's engagement. It felt selfish but he let himself float in his post-orgasmic high.
It was only when Ichigo groaned in pain and shifted that he started to remember everything. He had just had sex with Ichigo. His friend Ichigo who was engaged to be married. How could I do that? Renji panicked, his heart still thumping painfully in his chest. Oh god, oh god, oh god! What the hell have I done?! He clenched his head and felt the need to disappear. Please say this is a dream! Please, please, please someone tell me this isn't happening!
Renji took a deep, shaky breath to slow his rapid heartbeat. He could still feel Ichigo lying next to him and wished he would just leave without a word. It was obvious he could never see Ichigo again, not after this. Renji felt fresh tears sting his eyes as that thought washed over him. How could he have let it get this far?
After what felt like an eternity, Renji willed his body to move. He moved his right arm and slow rose up. He focused hard on the floor as to not look at Ichigo's face. Tears were threatening to spill over which he had to hide. Thank goodness he could hide his face from behind his bangs.
Slowly, he got up and gathered his cloths. It didn't matter where he went now. Anywhere was better than here. He looked for his sash and quickly tied it before straightening his outfit. It felt like it took him forever to get to the door. When he did though, he was stopped by Ichigo the same as he had that one morning.
"I'm sorry." Ichigo muttered but Renji could hear it. "If it wasn't good enough… I can try again if you didn't like it." Ichigo sat up on his elbows and looked at his friend's turned back. "I'll do it again if you want me to…"
Renji grinded his teeth to keep from shaking. "No Ichigo. You don't have to do anymore. It was… just fine." Renji felt fresh tears spill over before grabbing the handle of the door. "I'm sorry."
Ichigo was ready to tell him that it wasn't his fault and that he shouldn't apologize but the redhead was already out the door. All that remained was the faint sound of Renji's footsteps down the hall and a soured relationship between the two of them.
A/N: Augh I feel so bad about this being so late but I haven't really been working on much of anything as of late. I was listening to Hide and seek (most of the time while writing this) by Imogen Heap. So sad!
Leave reviews and such. :D Thankies muches!