RENEE

Disclaimer: 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer, BtVS: Season Eight', it's characters or it's stories do not in any way belong to me, nor do I seek or am I making any monetary profit from this FanFiction. It is Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the WB, Dark Horse Comics, plus various other people and business entities. I also don't own any of the other copywrited series' mentioned in this fic. So there.

Notes: This is a little outside my usual genre. Anime is more my normal forte, along with the odd side trip into Harry Potter. Plus, it's somewhat more experimental than my other stuff. And about ninety percent of it is in the First Person Perspective. So if that annoys you, it's best if you turn back now.

Set after Issue 15 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season Eight. So if you haven't read the comic, this will make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

CHAPTER 3

A few months after I had first arrived, I'd been assigned to Faith for a couple of weeks as part of me getting up some field experience. Normally, 'The Dark Slayer' didn't partner with newbies. At all. (It seemed to be a mutual thing between her and the rest of the council.) But I got the feeling that due to the fact that I was an army brat, she'd decided to take me under her wing for a bit. While she never actually came out and directly admitted it, my personal thought was that she seemed to have a soft spot for slayers who had one or more parents in the military. I guess whoever her parents were, at least one of them was in the armed forces at one point. But that was just a guess. Her past was firmly off limits to discussion.

In any case…

We'd been doing a workup on a large pack of vamps just outside the city. Y'know, getting a handle on their habits and routines so we could figure out the best way to dust them without getting ourselves hurt. Pretty standard, really. We'd been returning to the local chapter house, when out of the blue she suddenly started asking about Xander. Just general stuff, y'know, like what's he up to, how's he looking, is he seeing anyone. That kind of thing.

Now, I'd heard that she and Xander shared a history, but no-one really knew what it was. Even the ex-potentials from the Sunnydale crew. And those who were in the know just did not talk about it. Ever!

So I'm thinking to myself, 'Kewl! Maybe I'll get the straight dope, direct from the source.'

…sometimes, it's better to live in ignorance.

I'd just given her a rundown on what she asked, when I decided to throw in the fact that he doesn't take advantage of the prime offers available, as well as some of the rumours floating around as to why.

Faith's reaction was weird, to say the least. First she burst out laughing when I mentioned the rumour that Xander might be gay. Then she started crying a little. Which freaked me out a lot. I mean, I'd heard the rumours about her before I'd left Scotland, too. Tough as nails. Spent some time inside for murder. The only Slayer capable of laying a smack down on Buffy Summers. And now she's spazzing over the idea that Xander's possibly not straight. Wassup with that!

When she'd tapered off, she looked me dead in the eye and told me that if I ever repeated what she was about to say to anyone, my life would last only as long as it took her to hunt me down.

With this warning coming from someone who had killed humans before, (and, if the grapevine was accurate, was sometimes deployed to take care of the councils dirty laundry) I gulped, and solemnly vowed that my lips were sealed 'till the day I died.

Faith stared at me for a few minutes more, as if weighing up my sincerity, then told me the story of the two times she was alone with Xander Harris.

Hearing about the fact that she had slept with him once after he had saved her life, I was wondering about the whole 'need for secrecy' thing. And maybe a little curious about his performance.

When she whispered that she had nearly strangled him to death for trying to save her from the dark side however, I almost felt like taking a swing at her myself. How the fuck could she do something like that? What possible reason could there be? And to him? The nicest guy I'd ever met!

Some, well, most of what I was feeling must have shown on my face, because she said sarcastically that she gets that reaction a lot.

Sticking my chin out, I asked why she'd done that to him. Was there a reason.

Turns out there was. Just not a good one.

"'Cause I was in a bad place, back then." She admitted slowly. "I was hurting, and I wanted to share that hurt. With whoever was stupid enough to get close enough to let me." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I can't believe I'm telling you this shit." She sighed. "Guess it's true what they say. Sharing can be good for the soul." Then she gave me a sidelong glance. "He's gotten under your skin too, hasn't he?" She asked, already guessing the answer. Ignoring my sputtering denials, she continued talking. "Some free advice from someone who's already let him slip away; Be His Friend. His ex-fiancé died in Sunnydale during the big one. And from the sounds of it, he's still hurting because of that. So, if you ever want to be anything more to him than just another one of 'his girls', be his friend first. Because right now, he needs that more than a quick roll in the hay. Which, because of me I guess, he's never really been one for anyway." Faith looked sad about that. Fair enough, I suppose.

(And if the other's knew that she was a big part of the reason that they weren't getting any action from him, well, I could understand why she doesn't want this to become common knowledge. I wouldn't want to face a large horde of horny, frustrated slayers either.)

Besides, I wasn't interested in Xander like that. I was just…curious.

"Yeah right! You could fertilize Texas with that BS, girlfriend."

Oh crap. I said that out loud, didn't I?

So, with another piece of the puzzle that was Xander Harris in hand, I returned to the castle feeling conflicted. I'd gone out into the field wanting to get some slayer-hours under my belt. Faith's declaration that I was jonesing for my immediate superior was a bit more than I had bargained for. So, I did what most people in my situation usually do.

I ignored the whole situation for a while. It was surprisingly easy to do actually. What with Buffy's sister, Dawn showing up an' all.

Of course, it helped that Dawn was the size of a small building when she arrived. Literally. Somehow, she'd been turned into a giantess. Kinda captures your complete attention, that. Which brought to light another fact that had sort of escaped everyone's notice until then; Willow Rosenberg had not been anywhere near the castle in quite a few months.

This was finally realised when we couldn't contact her, or Kennedy, and had to use our other Wicca's to magically transport Dawn from Berkeley to Scotland. In fact, I think that the group of newbies that I came in with were the last ones she had delivered personally. After us, they just turned up without an escort. Or with the nearest available fully-trained slayer accompanying them.

After a lot of digging by Xander and Giles, we pieced together that those two were flitting around the world almost at random. And we only got that much because of that group…sorry, coven of Wicca's in Devon. (They don't like being called a group. And under no circumstances should you even think of calling them witches. They tend to get a bit upset. And I like my body the shape and form it's in now, thankyewverymuch!) Willow was apparently hunting out knowledge, while her girlfriend was playing escort/bodyguard. And they were being extremely cagey about the whole thing. To the point of vanishing without a trace for weeks at a time.

So, the Council decided to give her some space to do it, and not pursue them. Besides, who knew how she'd react to being asked/ordered to report in. The last thing anyone'd want is a pissed-off Wicca at her power level getting snarky at them. And according to the grapevine, the last time Willow went off the deep end, the world nearly ended! So yeah, giving her some space was probably a good idea.

Oddly enough, things actually went quiet after Buffy's 'little' sister arrived. Well, as quiet as it usually gets anyway. Missions happened. Slayers died, and more were discovered and recruited. We started recruiting more mystics as well as slayers. (With Willow having gone to ground, we needed to.) Buffy and Dawn got into some truly memorable shouting matches with each other. (Some days I'm glad I only had older brothers, if these two were any indication of what having a sister would be like.) And I quietly set about following Faith's advice.

Yeah, I finally admitted to myself that he was a hottie. So I just watched him for a while, at first. (Watching a Watcher. Kinda funny in a way.) (Though he never calls himself that. A Watcher, I mean. Dunno why, he definitely qualifies. Something else to find out, I s'pose.) I'd greet him whenever we crossed paths around the castle. I became a regular at his movie nights, no matter what he was trying to push on us.

It wasn't that bad. Really. Most of them were pretty good. The Princess Bride was as funny as hell. The Monty Python marathons were always great. Although The Rocky Horror Picture Show was a bit too mind-bending. And those crappy B-graders from the eighties were so bad, they were hilarious. Especially the ones with Arnie in them! Heck, I even started to appreciate science fiction a bit more. (And I'm afraid that I have to agree with Xander, Babylon 5 kicks the crap out of DS9.)

Whenever I was on duty in the Op-Centre with him, I bantered with him a little more than I used to. Nothing simpering, or (I hope) too obvious. Just talking with him during the lulls. Occasionally, after a shift, we'd go and eat something in the commissary. Just as friends and co-workers unwinding after a gruelling shift, of course. Strictly platonic. He didn't give out too much, and I didn't pressure him to, either. Didn't stop me from talking about my own family. Although, I think that I might have gone on about them a bit. After an uninterrupted half hour discourse on my brothers' annoying habits, I realised that I might be babbling about a group of people he had no interest in. It was funny though. When I tried to apologise, he just waved it off. He got that I was a little homesick. And he said it was nice that I had a family to be homesick for.

When he said that, he had such a sad look on his face for a second. Like he's never had anything like that in his life before. So I kinda did something stupid without thinking about it first.

I hugged him.

…

Like I said, something stupid.

I don't think he actually took one breath the entire time I had my arms around him. When I stepped back, I took one look at the shock on his face, and did a runner.

It was so stupid of me! I know.

But he looked so hurt and alone and lonely that I couldn't help myself.

I don't know how I managed to find my way back to my room, but I did. Gwen, my roomie, was a bit annoyed that I woke her up at two in the morning. But she got over it when she saw me crying, bless her. I'd barely calmed down enough to start talking about it when someone knocked at the door.

"Gwen! Is Renee in there?"

Ah crap!

"Open up battleaxe. I need to have a conversation with your roommate."

Double crap! He's using the voice. The one that says he's annoyed about something. An' three guesses what!

Gwen gives me an apologetic look as she goes to unlock our door. "Sorry Ren, but he sounds pissed. And I don't need any of that action." Opening it up slightly, she peers through the crack. "'Sup, Mister Harris?"

I could just make out a chocolate brown eye peering through the gap. "First of all, stop calling me Mister Harris." He growls. "It makes me think that my father is around, and believe me that's the last thing you'd ever want!" He glares at Gwen until she gulps and nods. "Second; can you give me a few minutes with Renee? We need to talk."

"I-I don't think so, Mist… Xander." Wow, my roomie actually managed to hold her ground. I'm impressed.

I hear Xander sigh. "Look, I'm not going to hurt her. I just want to have a chat with her. That's all."

"You promise?" Gwen asked in a small voice. That-a-girl, Gwennie! Hit 'im with the kicked-puppy eyes.

"I promise." Gwen stepped aside and opened the door. Xander stayed outside for a moment with an expectant look on his face. "Privately, please."

Looking back at me, I nodded at her to go on. After she walked out, Xander came inside and shut the door. "So…"

"So…"

"About before?"

"I'm sorry about that." I blurted out quickly.

"Huh?"

"I didn't mean to hug you."

"Hey!"

"It's just…you looked so sad just then, and I reacted without thinking. I didn't mean to embarrass you, or anything. I just wanted to…hug you. 'Cause you looked like you needed one." Yup, keep digging that hole deeper, Renee!

"…thank you." He whispered.

"Huh?!" Did he just-?

"It's been a while since anyone's bothered to notice how I'm feeling. Thank you."

"But, what about your friends?"

"Hah! Buffy's busy being the Slayer, Dawn's got her own pretty big issues to deal with right now, Willow's vanished, and Giles is busy either training or ironing the kinks out of the council. They're pretty much it." He sits on the end of my bed and sighs. "Besides, they're busy dealing with their stuff, I can't ask them to deal with my crap too."

As he's sitting there, running his hands through his hair, I'd wondered if anyone's ever seen this side of him before. I mean, he's had slayers lusting after him before. But, have any of them really watched him like I had been? Here's a guy that not only has no extra powers in a world filled with them, but basically runs this castle, runs the missions, looks after several hundred slayers and plays a big part in keeping the head slayer grounded. All on his own.

"Would you like another one?" Damnit! Once again, my body had acted without any sort of rational thought getting a say.

He looked up at me sharply. "Say what?"

Ah well, I was committed now. "Would you like another friend? Me, that is. Just to talk to about this stuff." Starting to squirm horribly at having said anything, I'd pressed on through the continuing silence. "After all, I'm kinda in the know about most of it anyway. And I won't breathe a word to anyone. I promise." By now I think the glow from me blushing would have been easily spotted through the window.

Xander just stared at me. I felt like he'd pulled my soul out and was staring at it from every angle, hunting for any lies. (Oh gross, that is way to vivid a thought to have in our line of work!)

"…okay."

"Really?!"

"Yes, really." He'd gotten that goofy grin in place again. I swear, does he even know what effect that grin has on us girls. It's so…cute and sexy and nice.

"Ulf!!"

"Oops." Damn, there goes my body reacting again. Still, at least this time he hugged me back.