Ch.1

I'm looking for inspiration

And I think I found it in your heart

It's the kind of thing you get when you aren't looking

It's the kind of thing you had from the start

Tuesday December 16th:

Ricky was at Grace's locker talking to her; well Grace was doing most of the talking and he simply nodded when need be. He glanced across the hallway and saw Amy standing with Ben. How he hated that guy. The two of them were engaged and that bothered him on so many levels though he would never come to admit it. Their time at band camp seemed like such a long time ago. Ricky had loved her once and he knew that Amy had loved him too but now she wouldn't even speak to him unless it was he who initiated the conversation and even then she was always hostile towards him. Ricky couldn't blame her though. Out of all the girls he had had sex with in the past, it had only been this one time that he failed to use protection and it had been this one time that a girl had ended up pregnant because of him. It was becoming obvious that Amy was pregnant as her stomach protruded more than usual. Sometimes he wanted to ignore it and pretend that this was someone else's problem but other times he wanted to do the responsible thing and really be there, not just for the baby but for Amy as well- the way he used to be there for her at band camp. If only things could be turned back. If he could remind his past self he would have told himself to not be an idiot and use a condom. Who knows had this not happened then maybe he would be with Amy instead of that Ben guy.

Grace looked at Ricky causing him to step out of his thoughts.

"Were you even listening?" she asked.

Ricky smiled at her, "Yeah I was listening."

Grace looked over to where Ricky was staring.

"No you weren't," she said. "You were staring at Amy. It's okay."

"No, it's not. You're my girlfriend not her."

"That may be true but she's also having your baby." Ricky rolled his eyes, "You should go talk to her."

"I don't want to talk to her."

"You're going to have to if you want to be involved with the baby."

"Grace, can we not talk about Amy? I do that enough with my foster parents and my shrink."

"You're right, I'm sorry."

"No I am. I just want to focus on us for a while," Ricky said taking her by the waist, "Is it wrong that I want to spend time with my girlfriend and not some girl that I made a mistake with?"

"I guess not. But can you make a promise?"

"It's not one of those purity promises is it?" Ricky teased.

"No but just because we're going out doesn't mean I'll sleep with you. I want to wait until I'm ready."

"I know and I'm cool with that. It's like I've told you before, I don't want this to be like my other relationships. So what was that promise you want me to make?"

"Okay well first I don't want you to get mad, okay."

"Why would I get mad?"

"Because it's about Amy," Grace said to him.

"Oh," Ricky said looking away from her.

"I just want to make sure you're there for her and the baby that's all."

"You're not trying to push me into her arms are you," Ricky joked, "Because she's with Ben and I doubt she would want to be with me."

"No that's not what I'm trying to do at all. I just think it would be nice if the baby had his or her father around. It's always nice if both parents are around you know?"

That was the last straw. No he didn't know. Ricky knew that Grace was saying this with honorable intentions but at the same time she could be so clueless on how the world worked. Ricky knew of many people who didn't have fathers in their lives. Himself, Adrian despite her father was trying to make up for it, Tom's own father, his shrink's father, and soon Amy's since he had over heard from Lauren that that her parents were getting a divorce.

"I can't make that promise, Grace. I would like to but I just can't."

"Can I ask why?"

"You can ask but I won't tell you. I have to get to band practice."

"Wait, Ricky, I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you upset."

"I'm fine," he said walking away from her and headed in the direction of the band room.

~*~*~*~*~*~

After band practice let out, Ricky went straight to his shrink's office. Since the whole disaster with Dr. Fields, his foster parents had found him a new one, Dr. Steele, much to Ricky's protest. Dr. Steele though was much better than Dr. Fields. He was younger and he had shared his high school experience of getting a girl pregnant only in his case the girl had gone on and had an abortion and the two never spoke after that.

Ricky was pacing in the room like he normally did when he was rattled.

"Who does she think she is: telling me that it's nice if both parents are around? She doesn't know. How could she her family is at the epitome of perfect; they think they're too good for the world and that their way is the only right way. She's got both parents I don't so who is she to say that my kid should have both his parents?"

"Can you blame her for thinking that, Ricky? She doesn't know your situation. She knows you have foster parents but she doesn't know the truth about your real parents. Maybe if you took the time to explain it to her instead of jumping the gun then the situation wouldn't be as bad as you're making it."

"You think this is my fault?"

"Think about it Ricky. It's like those thought errors we worked on and in this case the thought error you're using is magnification where things seem larger than they are in reality. Grace doesn't know your situation. She was only being a nice girlfriend who cares a lot about you and speaking from her own experience. You can't blame her for growing up the way she did just like you can't blame yourself for growing up the way you did," at that Ricky was able to calm himself down and take a seat and continued listening to Dr. Steele, "We are all just people of circumstance. We didn't ask to be brought into the world, we didn't ask for the family we ended up with. It all just sort of happened and no one is to blame for that not even our parents no matter how good or bad they might've been. The sooner you come to accept that, the sooner you can take the next step in making your life better."

"I'm not sure that I can. I want to be involved with my kid but there is a greater part of me that doesn't."

"And why is that?"

"I don't want to turn out like him. I don't want to cause the same pain that my father caused me."

"See that right there Ricky- use that as strength instead of a weakness. Be involved so you don't turn out like him. You don't have to carry the sins of the father. Let them go."

_______

Author's Note: You may recognize Dr. Steele from my previous fic, "If You Asked Me To." I liked writing him so I wanted to use him again.