Hey! This one's for kee-tay who suggested the idea. I hope you like it.
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Name: Dairy Shoot
Pairings:none
Colonel Roy Mustang took a deep breath and held it as he walked in the doors of Central HQ. There were a lot of good reasons to want to be stationed here instead of East Central, mostly promotional ones, but the truth was, East HQ was a lot cleaner. Out in the desert all you'd track in on your boots was sand, not all the wet mud and soil that came in here. As if that weren't enough, Roy would swear that 2 out of 3 days he and Hawkeye were the only officers who managed not to step in dog poop, horse poop, bird poop or any other kind of poop that Central could possibly supply soldiers on their way to work with. Roy didn't know why that was, just tried to keep it out of his own office.
East HQ had also had a janitor. That meant that backed up toilets were properly taken care of, unlike here where bored officers that got tired of the blockage stuck explosives in them. Roy had learned to stay away from the bathroom doors the hard way. He couldn't always avoid having to use the bathroom though. Hawkeye always knew when he needed to get home in a hurry for that reason, because he would start blowing through his paperwork like an angry hurricane with a pen.
Yes, Central had its problems. But Roy Mustang's were about to get worse.
Roy stretched. Finally his desk was clear of paperwork. Finally he could get out of this stinking place. He stepped out of his office and saw Havoc and Breda following another officer toward the bathroom. Roy was instantly worried. If the officer out-ranked his lieutenants then he might be ordering them into a trap. The bathroom here could truly be a dangerous place.
"Havoc! Breda! Where do you think you're going?" Roy's only way of saving them would be to pull rank on the guy leading them. Oh why didn't he try harder to remember people though? If this guy out-ranked him, they were all in trouble. He couldn't remember ever having seen the guy before.
Havoc and Breda froze. "Uh, just to the bathroom, sir."
"Well get back in my office NOW." Roy snapped. They jumped, saluted and came to follow Roy. Roy turned too quickly to catch the wink Havoc sent to the mystery officer.
"You wanted to see us, sir?" Breda grunted.
"I just needed an excuse to get you away from that officer. I thought he might be planning to do something to the two of you."
"Oh. No it's okay sir."
"Oh. Well alright then. I'm going home."
Riza nodded at Roy as he went out, and began to tidy her own desk. As she took her jacket from the back of her chair, she heard screaming in the hall. She could hear two distinct voices: Roy and the FullMetal Alchemist. Riza rushed out to find both screaming incoherently at eachother while Ed waved a dark plastic-wrapped package of some sort in Roy's face. Riza took aim carefully, and when Ed's hand came far enough back from the Colonel's head-BLAM!
Ed and Roy were covered head to toe in something brown and steaming. Riza sniffed. Brown gravy. Well, that was better than some things it could have been...
Ed and Roy turned to stare at Hawkeye. She gulped quietly and retreated to her office. Ed's face darkened and he ran off as Roy realized that the mob of people walking down the hallway were actually bodyguards walking around the Fuhrer. Roy's eyes bugged out. 'NOT NOW! Noooo.' Roy thought.
"Colonel Mustang." Roy saluted. The Fuhrer opened his mouth to say something-WHAP! GLACK! KABOOOOOM!
Havoc, Breda and two officers came literally flying out of the bathroom covered in you-can-guess-what. They were all laughing hysterically until they noticed the Colonel and the Fuhrer. Four mouths made themselves into perfect O's as Roy reached for his gloves. From Roy's office though, a loud womanly scream shattered glass windows and a few eardrums. It sounded angry. Hawkeye slammed out into the hall covered in strawberry smoothie.
"SOMEONE. Hung this over my desk and set up a candle-burns-rope mechanism so it would fall on me!" She hissed, waving a foam cup with a very small amount of smoothie left in it. Her eyes bugged out as she realized the Fuhrer was standing almost right next to her.
"Colonel Mustang, from what I have just witnessed, I think you and your subordinates are the perfect candidates to clean up this building. the Fuhrer said. He sounded irritated. One of his bodyguards stepped forward with a plunger, a bucket of cleaning supplies and a rag and handed them to Mustang. "See that this building is spic and span by morning, Colonel." The Fuhrer said in a threatening tone.
5 hours later, Riza, Roy, Jean and Heymans (Breda) sat on the front step outside a now-sparkling Central HQ. "I'm too tired to go home." Bred groaned. Hawkeye and Roy nodded to that. Havoc sighed. "Well I'm going home for a bath. Give me the key so I can go lock up." Roy nodded and gave Havoc a key. "Wait here. I have to go lock my office first." he said, trudging inside.
Pulling his office door shut and inserting the key he heard a squeaking noise. Pausing, he listened.
"...Me...Wait for me...WAIT FOR ME!" Roy opened his door and looked around.
"$#&!!!" he heard. He headed to his desk.
"$&&#! Damn and $#&." he heard. Suddenly, his eyes bugged out. 'Oh my God. Is there really someone-' Roy opened the bottom drawer of his desk. It was the biggest and inside was a very nervous, uncomfortable looking Edward Elric. Squeezed in around him were 5 brightly colored plastic water guns.
Roy glared at Ed.
"Hi, Colonel."
"What the hell are you doing in my drawer?"
"ehehehehe..." Ed scrambled out of the drawer and squirted Roy in the face, but not with water-Milk!" Roy coughed and spluttered. He hadn't seen that coming. "FULLMETAL!" Ed was off like a shot down the hall. Tired as he was, Roy was mad as hell. But when he caught up to Ed, Ed squirted him with another gun-yogurt! Roy choked on it and had to stop to wipe his face with his jacket. 'Ed. Is Dead.'
Havoc had come in to look for Roy he'd been gone so long. Suddenly Ed came crashing toward him, then hit the breaks and turned around when Havoc tried to grab him. Without aiming, Edward fired random blasts of yogurt and milk over his shoulder. Havoc went red as a beet. 5 hours cleaning this place up and here was Ed shooting yogurt everywhere, dammit. Havoc was tired though and lost Ed after he slipped in some yogurt and banged his face on a water-fountain.
Ed dashed down the halls as fast as his legs could carry him. Thanks to Havoc he'd have to take a loop around to get back to the front door, which also meant he might run into Roy again. This part of his plan for revenge was getting very risky. But Mustang and Hawkeye had deserved it. First Mustang sent him to get information from an old man who lived in Central who was supposed to know what the secret ingredient to the stone was, and then the man had told Ed, in a very dramatic fashion, that the secret to the stone was brown gravy. So he'd brought the gravy back to Mustang and Hawkeye had to go and shoot it. Hawkeye had been punished with strawberry smoothie, but then Ed had gotten stuck in that damn drawer and- Roy jumped out of his office behind Ed and tried to grab him. Ed sped up, shooting more yogurt over his shoulder. He could see the door now. If he could just get out of the building, he could find a place to hide. He was almost there-
Havoc tackled him against the wall. Ed slipped away from him to squirt him in the face with milk and then turn to give Mustang a face-full.
Riza and Breda stepped in to see what was going on. Ed gulped.
Hawkeye had never looked so scary. She pulled both guns while Breda started to blow smoke out his ears. All four officers surrounded Ed, who pulled two guns full of yogurt and coated all of them head-to-toe. Rolling between Roy and Breda he took off down the hall to the office he'd hidden his extra yogurt and milk in.
30 minutes and 9 gallons of yogurt later, Ed was trapped and cornered in Major Armstrong's office. He was shaking as Riza held him at gunpoint and Roy and Heymans closed in on him. Havoc was guarding the door. Mustang and Breda tied him to a chair. Hawkeye nodded and the 3 men each picked up a gallon jug of milk from Ed's own stash.
"Ready Ed? Time to die-from drowning in milk!" Mustang cackled.
"NOOOOO-" Ed's scream was drowned out by the milk being poured over his head.
The next morning, Major Armstrong found an unconscious FullMetal Alchemist in his office along with a note from Roy, Riza, Havoc and Breda saying they'd left the country and weren't coming back and also that Ed was the one who shot yogurt everywhere and should, therefore, have to clean it up. If he was still alive.
Alex didn't quite know what to do.
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Once again, if you have any ideas, please review and tell me and I'll write something up! Special Thank You's to Akama Star Flying Alchemist for the first suggestion (Blue Angel) and kee-tay for this one! (Dairy Shoot)