AHAHAHA! Oh but I DID manage to write your second suggestion up!! I will admit it was a daunting challenge that took me from when you last reviewed right up until this very afternoon, but now, SEE THE DERANGEMENT THAT COMES FROM YOUR SUGGESTION!!!!!!!!!
And thank you, your third sounds AWESOME. Unlike the last one, which admittedly stumped me for a while, I have lots of ideas for this one!!
So thank you: Cactuis in the cold; Envy hating prickly pear; The arctic tumbleweed!
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"Sir. Permission to close and lock the door for privacy." Riza snapped.
"Permission granted, Lt." Roy barked.
Riza marched to Roy's office door and closed and locked it. She turned smartly on her heel to face him and for a moment, they stared blankly at eachother.
Then Roy started to smile. And it grew...and grew...and grew...and grew...and grew until his lips managed to touch his eyebrows, at which point, Hawkeye said "I get the point, Sir. You are now grinning so much it's scaring me almost as much as when Armstrong cries."
Roy stopped putting so much effort into grinning and instead focused on one of his new favorite office activities: Chasing Riza around the desk and trying to tickle her. They flew around the desk until all of Roy's paperwork hd been blown off and suddenly, a huge ungaily black bird with palm-tree hair smacked into the window. Riza and Roy froze and stared at teh squashed bird stuck to their office window. Lust and Gluttony suddenly flew out of nowhere and squashed Envy through the window by smacking into the back of him. The glass shattered and Riza and Roy were no staring at three unconscious homonculi lying on the floor.
Needless to say, they were alarmed. After a moment, Roy looked quickly around the room before snatching up several strings of Xmas lights and typing up all three homonculi in them. He looked at Hawkeye as he finished binding Envy.
"Riza. We need to hide and question them. Maybe someplace out of town..."
"Roy...Just a thought, but it will probably take some amount of torture to wring answers out of them, won't it? And you are in charge of the Central HQ Xmas display this year, which is why I brought those lights in here, and you do already have them 'decorated', right? So...why don't we set them up in the hallway? If we strip the string of its protective coating in some places, they'll get electrocuted when they move, so they shouldn't go anywhere. We can run the strings through their mouths as well to keep them from talking and play loud music to torture and drownd them out."
"Hey...Sounds good to me! Here, help me strip the insulation off and we'll just set them out in the hall and duct tape a boom box to the fat one's head." Roy flipped out a pocketknife to strip the wire and Riza followed suit. Wtihin twenty minutes, three lit-up homonculi wearing Christmas hats (the stereo was under Gluttony's) were staked out in the main hallway of Central HQ.
Envy, only recently reborn, was a crybaby and was already sobbing from being shocked a few times. Lust thought that was funny until she tried to laugh and got buzzed in the mouth.
Roy was very proud of his unique and economical decorating solution.
WooHOOO! I look COOL!" Ed went sliding down the slope on a snowboard. Three seconds later, he crashed into a tree. Yeti appeared next to him on skiis.
"No you don't." Such a sensitive wife.
"Well I DID. You came up behind me and made me fall!" Such a mature husband.
"Get up. It was your stupid idea to rent a snowboard instead of nice practical skiis."
"I look cooler than you do." Ed retorted.
"Then you won't mind me taking a picture of your fiftieth crash." Yeti whipped out a camera for a snapshot.
"AAAUGH!" Ed hopped up and crashed into another tree.
"Dork."
"Now you're just trying to tee me off."
"Uh...Since when do you say 'tee' ?"
"Oh shut up." Ed grumbled, adding to himself "I swear if I fall on my toe one more time..." He stood up. "OK, so maybe I should take a cl-toe or something."
Yeti gave Ed a very peculiar look. Edward ignored the very peculiar look. Then Ed shoved himself upright.
"Oh go wow off, Yet." He snapped, balancing on his board and pushing off again. As he began to gain momentum, he suddenly noticed that his boot wasn't actually strapped in. Looking down frantically, he comfirmed that his boot was no strapped in. When he looked back up, he saw something that chilled him to the core. Even Yeti, a most powerful nonexistant lifeform, was afraid of the renowned
CAPE BUFFALO GHOST OF THE ARIZONA SKI SLOPE WITH A CHOCOLATE COVERED ICE CREAM BAR IN ITS MOUTH!
The mythical being was only four feet directly ahead of Ed and it stared at the newlywed boredly until Ed got too close and the CBGotASSwaCCICBiiM swung its head, using its horns to throw Ed up into the air. Nearby, startled onlookers began to yell.
"It's a bird!"
"It's a plane!"
"It's the authoress! No, wait! It's--"
"My husband." Yeti groaned. Ed did a belly flop into the snow and Yeti, rolling her eyes all the way, went over to help him up. When she ahd him sitting upright, she noticed him flapping his mouth noiselessly and frowned.
"Oh Edward! You aren't hurt are you?"
"I'm just fine-"
Yeti could amost hear a blank spot, a word missing.
"Freaky..." She muttered. Suddenly, Ed's eyes widened and he stared in horror at something behind his wife. Yeti spun around only to see Roy and Riza Mustang stop short on skiis, sending a spray of snow onto Yeti and Ed, neither of whom appreciated the shower.
Both Mustangs were clad in skin-tight professional skiing costumes, complete with goggles and thick ski gloves firmly grasping shiny, sharp ski poles. Roy saw Yeti and Edward and stalked over, Riza following as she turned her head side-to-side, as if searching for something.
"FullMetal." Roy ignored Yeti completely.
"You clown! What , are you doing here?" Ed staggered in midsentence and Yeti frowned again. She'd NEVER heard Ed use the word "clown" before as an insult. And he did love to insult Roy Mustang.
"I'm tracking down a potential threat in this region going by a very strange alias. As a State Alchemist, it is your duty to help. Have you encountered anyone who called themselves "CBGotASSwaCCICBiiM?"
"Do you KNOW what that stands FOR?" Yeti hissed. Roy honored her by actually LOOKING in her DIRECTION before sniffing. "No, but I suggest you tell us what you know For your own good." He added. Yeti bristled.
"CBGotASSwaCCICMiiM...Cape Buffalo Ghost of the Arizona Ski Slopes with a Chocolate Covered Ice Cream Bar in its Mouth-!" She shuddered. "He can move mountains with his lactose-induced gas! Throw even the strongest of bullfighters with his godly horns, even play The Worst Guitar Solo In The World with his tail. IT will ruin your hearing. FOREVER." Yeit lowered her voice to an ominous whisper on her last words, then suddenly shouted "You don't know what you're dealing with! You're no match for him! Not even I am!"
"He must have a weakness somewhere though, right?" Roy demanded.
"Well...He did...But I ate Envy. You see, the mighty CBGotASSWaCCICMiiM was in love wtih the little homonculus, but I was not aware of that until I found the beast's diary." Yeti held up a small brown book.
"HIs diary?! Where did you get that!" Roy exclaimed.
"Oh, they're on sale in the gift shop. It's in the ski rental building."
"...But wait-you said you ate Envy, and yet I have just recently captured him." Roy said thoughtfully.
"WHAT?" Ed and Yeti cried out at the same time. Riza grabbed Roy's ear suddenly, pulling on it until it was close enough to whisper into. After a moment, Roy turned back to Ed and Yeti.
"Well then, I'll be back later. Have fun, kids." And before Ed and Yeti could scream or rant that they were not kids, they were freakin' married, Roy and Riza shot off down the slope.
Yeti sighed heavily as Ed angrily began to slide down the slope. Yeti watched in mild fascination as Ed very
very
creepingly
astoundingly
terrifyingly
very
creepingly
slowly ran face-first into a tree at approximately a half-mile per hour. The blond bangs tapped softly once against the tree before Ed fell on his butt.
Yeti proceded to laugh until her stomach hurt.
Ed kicked and flailed on his back before he finally realized Yeti was SO not coming to help him. He then twisted onto his side and inch-wormed through the snow until he could stand. He spent the rest of the day in this on-your-butt fashion until Yeti finally relented and they headed to the hotel where they had a reservation at the very top of the White Mountains.
Fuery jogged up the stairs to Ed and Yeti's room on orders to 'get Ed to get his butt onto Sidewinder' where Roy was planning an attack on the CBGotASSWaCCICMiiM. IT was already 9 am and the little brunette certainly didn't expect to hear what he did when he reached their door.
"Wow...Jeez, Yet. Taht was WAY better than the first time Roy and I had hugs."
Fuery froze. Oh god no. he mentally whimpered. Closing his eyes, he forced himself to knock on the door.
"Why are you still talk-!" Yeti stopped short.
fuery heard bedsprings creaking and forced himself not to focus on it. When Yeti opened the door, she was perfectly groomed, her coat unruffled. Behind her, Ed was pulling on a tank top and fastening a tie into his hair.
"C-Colonel Mustang wants you to come to the sidewinder slope to help with a-an arrest of the CBGotASSWaCCICMiiM. Right now, FullMetal, Sir!"
"Oh jeez. What a pain in the toe that clown can be."
Yeti made a face at Ed's speech, then gathered up her skiis and Ed's snowboard.
They slowly made their way down the mountain to the sidewinder trial, only to be kept waiting for half an hour as Roy wasn't there.
When he finally did show, it was on a bright red snowmobile, clad in a Santa outfit and pulling a big sleigh with four homonculi tied up in Xmas lights in the back.
"Check it out, I caught one more on the way." Roy grinned at Greed who growled, then turned to Yeti and Ed.
"Hey there, the name's Greed. Let's be friends."
"Uhh. OK." Yeti stared at him. Ed did too until he noticed Roy using alchemy to erect a flagpole, then sending a crying Envy up it.
"Now he'll come to us, and we'll make him surrender or else we'll kill his love!" Roy laughed maniacally and Lust rolled her eyes.
It only took a few minutes for CBGotASSWaCCICMiiM to show up and gaze longingly at Envy from the ground. As soon as Roy spotted him, he took a piece of paper out of his pocket and proclaimed "Surrender, criminal! Get on the ground wtih your hooves behind your head unless you want Envy to get hurt!"
"What!"
"I have a list of criminal charges against you!" Roy paused and looked down at the paper. "Running a red light, running a red light, running a re-What the hell?"
"Roy, didn't I tell you you needed to read those beforehand?" Riza groaned.
"Hrrm...Well anyway, you're under arrest for...17 traffic violations!!"
CBGotASSWaCCICMiiM groaned, but allowed Roy to handcuff him and lead him to the snowmobile.
Epilogue:
Two weeks later, Sunrise Ski Resort complained and filed a lawsuit against the military, saying it had kidnapped one of their best attractions, so both CBGotASSWaCCICMiiM and Envy were released to live a happy life on the ski slopes of AZ.
Yeti took Ed to a speech therapist who diagnosed him wtih Curse Free TV Speech Syndrom and cured him by hitting him on the head with a piece of firewood.
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WHEW! That took me forever!!
That whole part with Ed running SO SLOWLY into the tree was inspired by ACTUAL events. A friend of mine, who was actually doing FINE, all of a sudden just slid REALLY REALLY slowly into a tree and we were all laughing so hard we COULDN'T help her up.
As for the way Ed is talking, I figured I need to explain...for some people who don't want to hear all the swearing on TV, you can buy a little box that you plug into your TV that filters and edits what the people are saying. Some of the replacements are actually kind of funny, although at this point it's kind of annoying. (see class become cl-toe and "Bon appetite become Bon appe-form, which is really lame)
So that's what that was all about.