OK, for the convenience of this author, Lin has obtained a cellphone and everyone knows everyone elses' phone number. Capische?
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"Now you owe me, Ed." Roy smirked at the little drooling blond.
"Wh-what the hell do I owe you for!" Ed snapped out of his slobbery trance.
"I payed for the pizza," Roy said, waving the cardboard boxes around in the air, spreading their scent around. One that, to a starving teenage boy, was oh-too-tantalizing.
"Can't you just get the military to pay for it?" Ed resumed staring and slobbering.
"No, Edward. But I'll settle for something else."
"Like what?"
"I want to see you prank call someone."
"But-"
"I have the pizza," Roy reminded him.
"Fine. Who should I call?"
"Whoever you want," Roy osmiled," But you better make it good. I'll put the phone on speaker mode so I can hear it."
"Hey, where'd you send al off to? He's not gonna catch me at this, right?"
"No. I sent him to distract Hughes and Jean. Both of those guys can smell pizza- and prank calls- a mile away."
"Oh... OK. Lemme see..." Ed fumbled through his little brown book looking for phone numbers. "OK, got it." Ed grinned, "I'm calling this Xinganese guy I met the other day."
Roy turned the phone onto speakerphone while Ed dialed.
"Hello?"
"My name is... Gluttony! I want to challenge you to a hotdog eating contest!" Ed said in a weird tone of voice. Roy snorted appreciatively at the pause before Lin replied.
"Are the hotdogs free?"
"Only if you win. But if you lose, you have to pay for them and... kiss me!"
"Hmm... Are you the same Gluttony that tried to eat me?"
"The one and only."
"What happened to your voice?"
"Uh... I ate a frog!"
"... ...I think I'll take you up on that offer. Where and when?"
"To get here, you have to... uh," Ed floundered, "Kiss the frog I just ate, see you there!" he slammed the phone down as Lin screeched in indignation, thinking he recognized the voice. Roy laughed and set the pizza down on his desk. Ed hurried over and began devouring it.
"Hey, hey, hey. If you want any more, you'll have to call someone else," Roy tried to shut the box.
"Roy!"
"You've already eaten half of it!"
Ed sulked until a knock on the door startled them both. Jean Havoc let himself in, toting a six-pack of beer. Roy grinned.
"Hand it over, he said."
"No don't!" Ed interrupted. He turned to Roy. "You have to call someone."
Jean's face lit up, "Are you guys doing prank phone calls?"
Roy shook his head but Ed assured Jean in the affirmative.
"C'mon, do it, Chief!" Jean nudged Roy in the side with his elbow and Roy sighed.
"Fine," he picked up the phone and dialed while Ed and Jean exchanged mischievous glances.
"Hello?"
"This is an emergency! If you don't learn to cook beef stroganoff by twelve 'o' clock tonight, your family will be annhialated!"
"SIR!!!!" Riza screamed. Roy hung up.
Edward and Jean exchanged terrified glances.
"Roy... what have you done?" Ed hissed, Jean nodding.
"Don't worry. I do that to her all the time."
"I, smell, PIZZAAAAA!!!" Hughes slammed the door open, Al right behind him.
"Aww, damn," Roy and Jean said at the same time as Maes stuffed two whole pieces of pizza in his mouth.
"Hey! You have to call someone!" Ed yelled. Maes swallowed and looked at him.
"We're doing prank phone calls!" Jean told him.
"Oh, Edward," Al groaned, "You didn't call our teacher, did you?"
"No, Al. I learned my lesson the first time."
"Oh, OK then." Al brightened up, "Can I call someone?"
"You're a weird little brother."
Al grinned and grabbed the phone.
"Yeah?"
" She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes!" Alphonse wailed tunefully, "She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes---"
"I HATE THAT SONG! WHO THE f XXX IS THIS?"
After a moment, Ed recognized the voice and whispered, "You called Envy?"
"I'm yer Grama, Sonny," Al drawled.
"I DON'T HAVE A fxxxING GRAMA, YOU AXXXX!!!"
"Oh, sure ya do, Boy. But you know, if you keep talkin' ter yer Grama like that and usin' all them bad words, I'm goin' to have to... err..." Al thought hard, "Set you straight. Make you sleep with ma piggies."
"WHAT?"
"I ain't deaf, stop yer cauterwaulin'."
"WHO THE bleep IS bleep bleeping bleep CALLING ME- !BLEEP! $bleep$ !BLEEP BLEEP!- ... what?" Envy was distracted by something. "I don't know who it is, Lust! Some bastard pretending to be my Grama! What do you mean is it Granny Mazur, I don't know any- what? Are you for real? I have a Grama?"
"I told you, Sonny," Al tried not to laugh.
"Oh... Sorry, Grama... ...I didn't know you had pigs."
"I don't," Al spoke in his normal voice," I'm fourteen. You're old enough to be my grama."
"I'M GOING TO bleep XXX YOU SO XXXXX BAD YOU bleep WON'T XXX BE ABLE TO XXXX TAKE A bleep XXX YOU bleeeeeeeep-"
Al hung up, looking mildly disturbed. Roy, Jean and Maes were leaning on the wall holding their sides while Ed wiped tears off his face.
Jean knelt in front of the younger Elric, "I kneel to you, Master." He couldn't stop laughing long enoguh to add anything to that.
Since Ed wouldn't let him near the pizza, Maes picked up the phone as soon as he could breathe again.
"Hello? Heymans here."
"Yes?" Maes affected a high falsetto, "This is Rainbow from 'Every Color Undies' calling to confirm your order for 500 blue thongs."
"What! No, you've got the wrong guy!"
"Really?...No, that's not possible. The order was for Lieutenant Heymans Breda to be delivered to the daytime office of General Grumman on the 3rd of August-"
"Maes Hughes, is that you?" Breda sounded positively livid.
"Oh, I'm sorry, there's a client here. I must go." Maes slammed down the phone and Roy shook his head.
"You always do that one. Everyone from East Central still remembers 'Rainbow'."
Jean picked up the phone next.
"Hello?"
"Mommy?" Jean squeaked at Mrs. Armstrong.
"Oh! Is that you, Catherine?"
Jean looked slightly insulted that he'd been mistaken for Catherine.
"Mommy!" he squeaked again.
"Theresa?" The woman sounded baffled.
"MOMMY!" Havoc shouted into the phone.
"Oh, Alex honey I am so sorry, what can mommy do for you, darling?"
"Ducky," Jean replied calmly.
"... Oh! Are you sleeping in your offfice? Do you need your ducky toothbrush?"
"Daddy!" Jean said.
"Oh! Of course! Philip!" she called, "Philip, Alex wants to speak to you!"
"Yes, My son?" Philip took the phone from his wife.
"Uh, uh," Jean looked intimidated. "Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"Is... is our refridgerator running?"
"Why yes, my son. The same one that Fuhrer President Humperdink gave to my great great-"
"If it's running, you better go catch it!" Jean hung up.
"Whew!"
Maes and Ed were laughing their heads off. Then the phone rang and everyone froze.
Roy picked it up carefully, "Hello?"
"Tell the AXXXXXX who called me earlier to come to the phone, I have something for him," Envy's grin could be heard. No visuals were necessary to tell the boy-girl was planning something bad.
Al gingerly took the phone from Roy.
"Hello?"
"Oh, the sun'll come out! Tomorrow! Bet your bottom dollar that the sun will shine!"
"I HATE THAT SONG!" Al yelled.
"BWAHAHAHAHA, who doesn't?" Envy spat. He kept singing, but Al hung up on him. Then Ed grinned.
"Here, give me the phone."
"Hello?"
"Envy?"
"No, Envy went away. My name's Gluttony."
"Oh... Well, congratulations! Because you just won a free trip to Fat Camp!" Ed improvised.
"Wh-wh-! Are you calling me fat?? I'm going to eat you alivE!!! I'm going to swallow-"
Ed hung up very quickly and Al and Roy exchanged glances, hoping Gluttony wasn't going to come and try to eat them all. Ed was only really worried that he would eat the pizza, but that was Ed for you.
Then the phone rang again. Al rolled his eyes, thinking it was Envy again, but when Roy picked it up, Hawkeye's foice came in loud and clear.
And unusually... Seductive. Downright sexy, even.
"Do you know what time it is, Colonel?" she said teasingly, purring out Roy's title.
"It's ... eleven forty-eight, why?"
"That beef stroganoff is waiting," she said in very sultry tones. "Oh and... so am I." She hung up. Roy was blushing bright red.
"I'll, uh, be right back," he stuttered. Ed, Jean, Al and Maes followed him silently at a distance.
Roy crept into the dorms and down a few hallways before stopping, smoothing his hair and clothing and knocking.
"Oh my... If it isn't my colonel. Please come in."
Roy was grinning like a fool.
Until she sprayed him with a hose running from the kitchen faucet.
"You want beef?!" She clocked him over the head with a frozen steak, stunning him as the four sneaks watching collapsed into hearty cackles of laughter.
She swung the meat at him twice more and he flung his hands up in submission.
"Aaa! Please don't hurt me!"
"Hmph. Clean up this mess," she said. "And you four- go to bed!!"
Ed, Al, Jean and Maes fled to their respective sleeping quarters while Roy dejectedly headed to the shower rooms to find towels to mop up the water in the halllway.
Forty minutes later
'Knock, knock'
"Ah..." the sound Riza had been waiting for. "Did you clean up all the water?" she asked Roy as she opened the door.
"Yes."
She eyed him up and down. "Alright. I suppose you can come in."
Roy grinned. He should call Hawkeye more often. Even more often than he already did.
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Alright! There it is, Ms. Arctic Tumbleweed! I have fulfilled all four of your requests! I hope you enjoyed it.