Atlas swallowed a bottle of ibuprofen, washed it down with some Tylenol, and swallowed a can of coke. He wiped his mouth off, and sent a cook in for more poached eggs. On his right, Luke fiddled with his French toast.

"They used to call it 'freedom toast' in the white house, when Bush was mad at France." He muttered, drawing a ghoul in his syrup with his fork.

Atlas had opened his mouth to make a snappy retort when a laptop-bearing mortal entered, knees quivering.

"I have the latest electronic mail." He said, bowing so low the top of his head bumped into the top of his boots.

Luke lowered his fork as Atlas snapped for a dracane to adjust his hot pad.

The mortal opened up the laptop, opening up the internet after hurriedly typing in the password- 'kronosisbetterthanme'.

"Ahem." He said weakly. "Atlas have you ever used the hot and cold packs from the commercials since your shoulders must hurt alot. And Luke your scar looks funny, like scar from the lion king who falls off a cliff and dies, why aren't you that luckey?"

With a yell, Luke hurled his French toast at the frightened mortal, who ducked a moment to late and got egg-y, syrup-y bread all over his hat.

"Improper grammar." Boomed Kronos. "What do they teach children in schools these days? And that was a rhetorical question, fool!" He added as Luke started to answer.

"Yes! I use hot and cold packs from commercials. I deserve the best!." Atlas muttered, glaring darkley at the French toast-covered mortal, who gave him an I'm-just-the-messenger look.

"Next." Said Luke dejectedly.

"Annabethandpercy4ever said…"

"WAIT!" Luke made a stop-everything gesture. "Annabeth and Percy forever?"

"Ah- that would me 4ever, master Luke."

Luke's face turned purple. "Skip that one."

The mortal flicked some French toast out of his eye as he surveyed the forbidden message. "It wasn't important anyway."

Luke's curiosity got the better of him. "Ok, what was it?"

"Um- Dr. Pepper is better."

Luke assumed a dignified look, making a point of loudly opening his seven-up. "I couldn't care less. Ne-ext"



"Luke has no taste in drinks or causes! And Atlas has a stupid name"

"INVALID WORD!" Atlas bellowed. "My name is older that the mountains."

"Yah, since you were the first." Luke muttered. Atlas ignored him.

"Humans named their silly map books after me. I refuse to take offence. NEXT! And you, get me some cheerios!" Another dracane fled the room.

"Why the would you like DR.Pepper?! ITS FOR LOSERS, YOU STINKIN PEICE OF STINKFART!HOW COULD U JOIN EM LUKE,THEY EFFING LOSERS,I BET ATLAS IS FAT,AND KRONOS IS SMEGA EMO!Thought to self,I wonder if hes a mummy, lolAnyways back to the point.Point 1:LOSER.Point 2:SUPER LOSER.Point 3:SUCH A FREAKIN LOSER CANT EVEN LOOK AT YOU.So yah, basically i dont want to join you, because we all know the ending.All Heroes win in the end.No matter what.So dont even try.You fat stinkin Mummy Thing."

"I don't like Dr. Pepper." Luke said with forced calmness, a vein popping in his forehead.

"'Kronos smega emo?'" The Titan lord didn't bother to correct the grammar this time. "Smega emo?"

"FAT?" Atlas demanded, hands on hips. "Now let me tell you something about fat. Think… Mike Huckabee before his exercise plan. Think MacDonalds. Modern kids are so unlike tough Greek kids. I don't give an invalid word what you think."

Luke's seven-up followed his French toast across the room, missing the computer by inches and hitting the window with a thunk."

"Waz up Luke?!

Want to get killed!
Then come to Camp Half-Blood! (at the tree)
Oh, by the way...YOU SUCK! What a Weiner you are! "I have to pe..." Wus. you too Atlas and Kronos!!" The frightened mortal said quickly.

"CAMP HALF- who wrote that?!" Luke threw an unopened ibuprofen bottle after the seven-up.

"HEY!" Atlas glared at him.

"Percy Jackson." The mortal whispered. There was dead silence- even the waves seemed to stop.

"What was that?" Luke said in a low and deadly voice.

"Percy Jackson. Um, sir."

"The. Invalid Word-ing. Ceiling. Is. Up." Luke dictated in a slow and menacing voice. "You. Suck. I. Hate. You. Go. To. Tar. Tar. Us."

"Next. Didn't expect anything from him anyway." Sniffed Atlas, voice not matching the vein throbbing in his neck, the cold pack that was starting to steam from the force of his anger.

"Atlas, what was up with you killing your daughter? I mean, do you guys have, like, relationship problems or something? You should get some counseling. And how come your so mean to the mortal? Why should we join you Titans if you're not even capable of being nice!?"

That did it.



"RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS?" Atlas bellowed, standing his full twenty and three quarters feet. "SHE IS AN INVALID WORD-ING TRAITOR. SHE IS- WAS THE ONE WITH THE 'RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS'." He stormed out, the door banging behind him.

"This was your idea." Luke called after him. "NEXT!"

"Hello. I go by Lorelei's Light, and I'd like to apologize for my fellow letter-writers (is that the right term? I'm not sure). Many of them are immature and rude, as most people online tend to be nowadays. It is ample evidence that the human race is degenerating, I think. Not all of us are completely obdurate and unwilling to listen to reason, however. Please don't blame them for their ignorance or rudeness - it's how they were raised. More educated people can tell you many things - the name "Atlas" preceded the English language and therefore cannot be considered stupid (unless your first language is Greek, I suppose), for example. Or perhaps using a vocabulary that doesn't consist of fifty percent swears and other rude terminology.

Thank you for your time,
Lorelei's Light

P.S. In addition, who got the bright idea to pose as Percy Jackson? He never struck me as (that) stupid."

A grin slid across Luke's face, twisting his scar. "Bad timing, Atlas. I have no idea who's idea it was to pose as Percy. That was an anonymous review. It smelled like Percy, though- he is stupid like that." There was a pregnant pause. "And as for how they were raised- well, that just shows that Western Civilization is, shal I say, contaminating the human race. All the more reason to join our cause. Please frame this e-mail and put it on my wall."

He smiled, confident that this breakthrough would prompt others.

"Next?"

"Hello Luke and Atlas. I understand why you feel the gods are fing sons of b. Nothing against Kronos and his mightness though. Can I join your cause? I may only be mortal but I can see through the mist."

"Sounds good. Mightness. From now on everyone is to call me 'Mightness.' No, how about 'Mightyness." Kronos announced. Atlas re-entered. "Did you hear that, Atlas?"

"Yes, your Mightyness." Atlas said obediently, bad mood gone. "Tell FanOfFics that he can I-M us at any time and we will arrange a meeting place. Congratulations on your joining of this great cause. Pensions include Lord Kronos's everlasting favor."

"Next." Luke added.

"oh im gonna rite in txt talk just 2 annoy him! HA HA! Luke- why did you join the titans army anyways? U totally deserted Annabeth + Thalia?! Does that not mean anything 2 u?! lol im being really random 2day!"

"Next." Atlas cut in quickly.

The mortal wiped some more French toast from his head, hurrying to obey.

"Join the army...I dunno. Fights to the death, a requirem for grovelling. Lets' face it; this job has NO perks."



"What about Lord Kronos's everlasting favor?" Luke said nastily. "Next."

"Dear Luke and Atlas: Wow. You're really desperate. Well, anyways, I'm kind of on the fence, I address Kronos as a 'Lord', but I'm a pacifist. So... yeah. You're really cool, though, Luke. Too bad Thalia joined the Hunters. And, Atlas, I don't have Ibuprofin. I usually just wait the pain, makes you tough, you know?

Quidam"

"Yes! I AM COOL!" Luke punched the air.

"No Ibuprofen?" Atlas's mouth hung open, showing all his perfect teeth. "Well, we got the compliment, anyway. But pacifists will have no place in the new world."

"Any more?"

There was a pregnant silence.

"Well… one. But I don't know- it is rather… insulting." The mortal trembled.

"Read it." Atlas commanded.

"lukie-ur a loozer.ill never join, crusty castillian"

A cooler of drinks flew past the casket, smashing the window. Luke opened his mouth to yell when they hit some rapids. With a yell, he fell sideways onto the floor.