Title: Feeling
Author: Snow Tigra
Fandom: Death Note
Pairings (expected at this time, this may change): Mello/Matt,
L/Light, Matt/Near, Mello/Near and possibly more
Warnings: YAOI, that should be obvious. But this is also an AU story that doesn't follow the events of Death Note.
Summary: It's the house at the end of the block that's been there forever. It's the house they say teenagers around town disappear into and never come back from. It's the house Matt has been living in for as long as he can remember. It's normal to him. So then why is this annoying blond making him question all he was so sure he believed?

Chapter 4

"Where is it? Where is it?!"

Matsuda stopped at Ryuk's door, surprised to actually find it open while he was inside. Ryuk was usually once of those people who kept his door shut, closing out the world whenever he wanted to be in his room. Matsuda was quite sure, actually, that had there been a door on the TV room, he would have closed that all the time as well. It was just the way Ryuk was about his interactions. Matsuda had asked him once and his answer had been something like "doors let you know who's coming and going."

This morning, the door was wide open and Ryuk was moving around the room in a fury. Drawers hung open, clothes spilling out onto the floor; items on shelves were pushed to the sides; papers were strewn across the floor and bed sheets were tossed near the window. Ryuk himself seemed to be in a panic. His hair was messy, not purposely so for once, and his eyes were wide with an almost fearful look.

Matsuda swallowed and lightly knocked on the door frame. "Ryuk?"

The sound made Ryuk just like a frightened rabbit, his neck snapping and immediately looking up at Matsuda. Matsuda took a step back,
worried from the frantic look in Ryuk's eyes.

"Umm... is everything ok?"

"It's nothing for you to worry about. Just spring cleaning." The words were sharp, almost harsh in their quickness, and Matsuda felt them go right into his chest.

Matsuda, at that moment, just wanted to turn and run. He'd never, in his life, been the type of person who stayed around for confrontation and people yelling or snapping at him. He liked to hide until things smoothed over, it made his life easier and longer. He was a master of going along with the flow... but lately he found himself changing his overall approach to life, and every time he thought about it,
Ryuk seemed to be the cause.

The incident yesterday afternoon, with them fighting over a girl?

Normally Matsuda would have just smiled and nodded and gone to talk to Matt about it later, where he couldn't be teased or laughed at. And last night, well, last night was certainly out of character for him. Every time he was around Ryuk lately, he found himself stepping out of his mold. And here he was about to do it again.

Matsuda stepped into the bedroom, taking a deep breath. "It looks like you're looking for something. Did you want some help?"

"I said I was just spring cleaning. Back off! Nosey little brat."

That time Matsuda couldn't help but turn and leave the room. The tone of the first words had hurt, but these... they cut him clean open. Matsuda turned on his heel and bolted down the hallway, down the stairs and to the kitchen, which was the first place he could think of that he knew was empty. Matsuda stumbled and tripped into the kitchen, catching himself on the counter.

His eyes were actually tearing up, and he could feel his face becoming warm and hot. He wanted to die. Why in the world was Ryuk actually acting this way? Hadn't last night meant anything? Weren't people supposed to act differently after they'd slept together? Didn't any of it mean anything? He was acting like last night didn't even happen!

Matsuda angrily wiped away the water in his eyes - he wasn't crying! - and actually hit the counter with his fist. How could he have been so stupid?! He should have known better then to do something like that, with Ryuk of all people. Maybe one of the girls was trust worthy, maybe even Matt, but Ryuk? No, not him. Not ever him!

"Matsuda?"

Matsuda didn't turn around, he just stood there quietly, feeling his anger melt away into defeat. Now he couldn't laugh it off like he did with most of his problems. Someone had seen him upset, so now he'd have to explain. At least it was Matt.

"Hey," he answered softly, wiping away the rest of the moisture from his eyes.

"Did something happen? Is it Ryuk? From last night?"

Of course Matt would figure it out. "Yeah." Matsuda felt himself withering more. Numbly he groped for the chair behind him and dropped into it. He waited for Matt to sit down before he started speaking again. "Last night we slept together."

Apparently being miserable trumped being embarrassed. Matsuda would have laughed had he not been so miserable about the whole situation.

"Oh." Matt's simple expression summed it all up into a single word.

"We slept together, last night, and it was nice and I really liked it, and I thought he did too. But┘ I woke up in the middle of the night last night and he wasn't there, so I checked down by the TV, you know, where he always is. And he was there, sleeping. It was actually kind of cute, so I left him alone. But this morning it was different. He's upset about something, he would barely talk to me, and he snapped at me like he almost always does. But it's like... it's like he doesn't remember at all. Or maybe it was just that bad that he wanted to forget-"

"Matsuda, stop." Matt cut him off with a frown and pulled over a chair next to him, sitting down. "I know that Ryuk isn't the nicest person all the time, but he's not a complete jerk. He wouldn't just forget something like that. That's not like him."

"Go ask him yourself. He probably doesn't even remember my name."

"I'm sure he does. But just in case, I'll go ask him." Matt gave Matsuda a small smile as he stood up and crossed to the wooden bowl by the fridge. Picking up an apple he actually smirked and Matsuda found himself smiling a little. "Are you going to be ok?"

Matsuda nodded, actually feeling better, now that he'd told someone. "I'm going to my room... or something. I think I want to be alone."

"Hey don't forget, it's grocery day. If nothing else, your girlfriend should be here in a couple hours."

"Matt!"

Same old Matsuda, same old blush. Some things never ever change.

A few minutes later Matt found Ryuk in the living room, rather than his bedroom. He'd checked his room, of course, and instead of the boy he found belongings strewn about in a mess and desperation. When he got to the living room, there wasn't much of a difference. Movies were lying in piles, drawers pulled out, game controllers tossed on a cushion-less couch. Ryuk was flying around the room like a tornado, tossing thing s and swearing softly to himself. Matt could see the desperation in his movements as he searched like his life depended on finding whatever had been lost.

Matt watched him for a few more moments, then actually tossed the apple, hitting him square in the side of the head.

"What the... hell?" Ryuk stopped, watching the apple drop to the floor and roll under the couch. He turned to look at Matt. "What'd you do that for?"

"I've been standing here for a good ten minutes and you didn't even notice. And while I'm mentioning it, Matsuda's been crying in the kitchen for a good fifteen. Now do you have an explanation, or did I lie when I told him you weren't a complete asshole?"

"I'm busy looking for something, so bug off. And how the hell am I supposed to know what he's upset about? He was acting all weird this morning. I'm busy! Why the hell is he bugging me anyway?"

Matt frowned and walked over to Ryuk, pushing him so he'd sit on the couch. "Ryuk, stop for a moment. Just stop and sit down."

"Matt I can't! I need to find it!"

"Ryuk, you slept with him last night!"

Silence slapped across the room and tension rose like a wave crashing over both of them. That time it caught Ryuk and he dropped into the couch, finally stopping his mad search. Angry looks and frantic moods were gone; instead Ryuk had an expression of disbelief and pure defeat.

"That can't be right. I would remember something like that... I couldn't have."

"No Ryuk, you did. That's why he was wondering about you this morning and you flat out knocked him away. Now I know you're usually more disconnected then the rest of us, but that doesn't give you the right to be mean like that."

"I don't remember." Ryuk ran his hands through his hair, practically curling in his seat. "I don't remember. I don't remember." Each time his voice got lighter as he seemed to curl in on himself, almost looking like he was going into shock.

Now it was Matt's turn to be lost. He wasn't really sure what to do, but on top of that, he suddenly didn't like the situation at all. He distinctly remembered moments in his life in this house where he'd lost days, weeks, nights, just time period. He was suddenly as uncomfortable as Ryuk seemed to be. Desperate for something to do to fill the silence and possibly help him fix the situation, he moved off the couch and crouched down, looking for the apple.

"... Ryuk? Um... is this yours?" Matt pulled the old and worn sketchbook out from under the coach, along with apple which had rolled beside it.

The words barely made it out of his mouth before Ryuk snatched away the sketchbook and hugged it to his chest with a grip that could have strangled a large animal. Almost immediately Ryuk seemed to calm down.

"Ryuk, what is going on?"

"I... can we talk? Tonight? Not here, not in the house, but outside?"

"You want to meet in the middle of the night outside in the backyard?"

Ryuk just nodded.

"I suppose. But you better have a good explanation for this. Otherwise, you'll be sporting a couple black eyes to make Matsuda feel better in the morning."

Ryuk just nodded again, speaking softly. "I promise I'll explain. Everything."