A/N: *sob* Last chapter! Sorry it took so long – the almighty writer's block strikes again! Oh well, I want to thank: CrushonDib, Permanent Rose, Bailey H. Cullen, Huber24601, mRs-cuLLeNxxx, SparklingTopazEyes, Mizz Lana Banana, 2boys, elphabacy35, MissSnowWhite, and Dippy18 for their wonderful, confidence-boosting reviews! You guys rock my metaphorical socks!
(Day three Bella-sitting – just as Alice and Jasper are losing the will to go on, Alice has another vision)
Alice: I've had another vision! And despite my super-intelligence, I have no idea what it could possibly mean! (she begins to draw a picture of her vision)
Bella: Hold on a second...that's my house!
Jasper: Whoa, I didn't see that one coming...
Alice: Well of course you didn't, that's my job! (into phone) Hey, Edward? James is at Bella's house and he may or may not be planning to eat her mom. Uh huh. Okay. See you soon! (she hangs up and turns to Bella) Edward is coming!
Bella: YAY! I finally get to see my incredibly hot vampire boyfriend again!
Alice: And we get to get rid of you! (Alice and Jasper high-five)
(Everyone relaxes into a comfortable silence...until the phone rings again)
Alice: Hello? Oh! (she hands the phone to Bella) It's your mom.
Bella: Hi, mom! How are you? Did you miss me? I'm being hunted by a crazy vampire right now, so I can't stay too long –
James: Bella, this isn't your mother.
Bella: Oh, is this a game? I love guessing games! Let's see...Mike Newton?
James: (sighing) No.
Bella: Hmm...Emmett?
James: Nope.
Bella: I've got it, it's that guy from the bus stop! What's his name...Lou!
James: It's James, you idiot!
Bella: Oh. OH! Why are you calling me? Do you want to apologize?
James: (through gritted teeth) No, I don't want to apologize! What kind of an ending would that be? I'm calling to tell you that I'm going to eat your mom unless you come to the ballet studio.
Bella: Don't you think that's a little cliché?
James: Yeah, well, you try come up with a villainous plan on short notice, it's not that easy, you know.
Bella: Fine, sorry! So, I'll come sacrifice myself in a couple of hours, mkay?
James: That's better. (ominously) See you soon!
Bella: Oh no! I'm going to die...again! This sucks. Well, time to write a sappy love letter!
Letter: Dear Edward, I've decided to go sacrifice myself as I can see no other way out of this situation. I mean, in a fight of seven against one, its obvious James is going to win. Besides, he has my mom and I totally believe him, because the evil vampire who's going to kill me would never lie to me. So, anyway, I love you, you incredible hunk of vampire hotness. Forgive me, and stuff.
Hugs and kisses,
Bella xxx
Bella: Voila! That's perfect! Now, all I have to do is run away from my all-knowing, all-seeing vampire friends. That shouldn't be too difficult.
*~*PHOENIX AIRPORT*~*
Bella: Um, guys, I need to go...to...uh...
Alice: The bathroom?
Bella: Sure...bathroom...hehe...
Alice: Well, despite my ability to see everything in the future, I am so not suspicious!
(Alice and Jasper wave happily as Bella runs in the direction of the exit)
Alice: (having vision of Bella being eaten) Oops.
*~*BALLET STUDIO*~*
Bella: Okay, so let me get this straight: my mom isn't here?
James: Uh huh.
Bella: So you fooled me with a VCR?
James: Uh huh.
Bella: So I pretty much just sacrificed myself for no good reason?
James: Uh huh.
Bella: And now you're gonna kill me?
James: (with camera) Yup! Say cheese!
(Bella, forgetting that vampires can run super-fast, makes a break for the door. When this doesn't work, she tries to hold him off with her handy pepper spray. Again, she is unsuccessful)
James: Muhahaha! My badly-thought-out plan is working! (he bites Bella's hand)
Hand: (is bitten)
Bella: Ouch! Great, now I'm actually gonna die. If only I had a super vampire boyfriend with a super vampire family to come to my aid! (she faints)
(Suddenly, Edward bursts in in a super hero cape and dismembers James)
James: (dies)
The Cullens: YAY!
Bella: (waking up) Hello? Dying person over here!
Edward: Oh yeah! Carlisle, is Bella gonna be okay?
Carlisle: Well, despite her broken leg and internal bleeding, she's great.
Bella: (whining) But my hand hurts!
Alice: OMG James bit her!
Edward: (gobsmacked) Oh no! Bella is going to become really strong, fast, beautiful and live for eternity! This is terrible!
Carlisle: Hey, instead of letting her become a vampire and saving us a heckuva lot of trouble, how bout you suck out all of James's icky venom?
Edward: But I –
Alice: It's the only way!
Edward: I can't –
Alice: Edward, if you don't suck your girlfriend's blood this instant I'm gonna let Jasper make you fall in love with Emmett - again!
Edward: Okay, okay. (he begins to suck the venom out) So...darn...tasty....No! Bad Edward! You are not, repeat not, going to suck your girlfriend's blood! Okay...stop...now! (he stops)
Edward: I did it!
Jasper: Hah! Emmett, you owe me ten bucks!
Emmett: (taking out wallet) Stupid Edward...can't even kill someone properly...
Edward: Bella, I didn't kill you! I love you! And I'll always love you...until I become depressed and leave you.
Bella: That's...nice. I...smell...gasoline... (she faints)
Alice: Ugh! Emmett, stop drinking the gasoline!
Jasper: Yeah, we need that to burn yonder pile of twitching vampire flesh.
Emmett: (putting down the gasoline) Fine! You guys are no fun.
*~*PHOENIX HOSPITAL – THREE DAYS LATER*~*
Bella: (waking up) AHH! JAMES IS GONNA KILL ME!
Edward: Silly Bella, that was the last chapter, remember?
Bella: Oh yeah! Wait...last chapter?
Edward: Uh...never mind. How are you, my darling spidermonkey?
Bella: What did we say about the animal names?
Edward: Oh yeah! Sorry.
Renee: (running into room) Bella! Bella, are you okay?!
Bella: Well, seeing as a sadistic vampire –
Edward: (coughing) Ahem...flight of stairs...ahem.
Bella: I mean, seeing as I fell down a flight of stairs, I'm not too good.
Renee: Oh. Huh. I guess not. Anyway, Bella, seeing as Phil got signed you can come live in Jacksonville with us!
Bella: What!? No! Why would I want to go live in a sunny town with great stores and nice people?!
Renee: But you don't want to stay in that rainy town where nothing exciting ever happens, do you?
Bella: Well, of course I do! It has incredibly hot vamp – uh – boys.
Renee: Can't argue with you there. (conspiratorially) Your new boyfriend is fine.
Bella: Mom, I do not want to have this conversation with you.
Renee: Oh, okay! Well, I'm off to live my fabulous new life in Florida! (Renee leaves)
Edward: Actually, Bella, I think you should go to Jacksonville –
Bella: WHAT?! Are you crazy?! What is this, New Moon?
Edward: New what?
Bella: Um...forget it.
Edward: Okay! Well, now you're awake I might as well kiss you! (he kisses Bella)
Heart Machine: (stops beeping)
Edward: Oh, shoot! I forgot about my awesome kissing skillage!
Bella: (panting) Tell me about it.
Nurse: (running into room) Did I hear romance going on in here?
Bella: No ma'am.
Nurse: Hmm...well, I think it's time I knocked you out again –
Bella: But I only just woke up!
Nurse: (getting out drugs) Exactly.
Bella: (to Edward) Wait a second...how come you didn't just let me become a vampire? I mean, it would save me from being depressed and having a weird vamp-human baby with you.
Edward: WHAT?!
Bella: Alice told me all this when she was trying to distract me, but don't worry, I don't think it's anything important.
Edward: Yeah, you're right! After all, what kind of an ending would that be?
Bella: A stupid one.
Edward: Right.
Nurse: Well, despite my being right beside you, I so haven't been listening to your conversation. (she injects the drugs) Well, nighty night!
Bella: No! Must...fight...with...Edward...
Edward: Shh, you can argue with me later.
Bella: Mkay...but...I'm...betting...on...Alice...
Edward: I have a feeling this is gonna come back to haunt me...
Jasper: (controlling empath powers) Oops, my bad.
*~*EPILOGUE – TWO WEEKS LATER*~*
Bella: Alice, why on earth are you dressing me up in these fancy prom clothes?! What could this possibly mean?
Alice: Did your mother drop you a lot when you were young?
Bella: Yup!
Alice: Oddly enough, I'm not surprised.
Bella: Seriously, Alice, where is Edward taking me in formal clothes on the same night as prom night?
Alice: (sighing) Well, certainly not the prom.
Bella: Hmm. Yeah. (Bella thinks very hard about this until her incredibly hot vampire boyfriend arrives).
Edward: Wow, Bella you look simply beautiful.
Bella: (drools)
Edward: Um...okay...I guess we'll go then.
(Edward carries the salivating Bella to his amazing Aston Martin Vanquish and begins to drive)
Edward: So, are you looking forward to the prom?
Bella: WHAT?! YOU'RE TAKING ME TO PROM?!?!
Edward: Yes, that would be the reason for the prom clothes, fancy car and pretty corsage. What did you think it was?
Bella: I thought that you were going to change me into a purty vampire, like duh!
Edward: Okay, one: I did not go to all that venom-sucking trouble just to turn you into a vampire; and two: you need to stop hanging out with Jessica before your speech is seriously impaired.
(Bella, who does not know what the word 'impaired' means, sulks until they arrive at Forks High)
Bella: Hey, Edward? If I helped you massacre all these innocent teenagers, will you change me?
Edward: No! I don't like killing people, remember?!
Bella: Oh yeahhh. Huh. How about if I –
Edward: No, Bella, the answer is no.
Bella: (grumbling) Fine.
Edward: Now, let's dance.
(Bella stands on Edward's feet and they dance the waltz, despite the fact that 'Soulja Boy' is being played on the sound system. Suddenly, Jacob Black appears)
Jacob: Hi Bella! Hi Bella's icky-smelling boyfriend!
Edward: I have a feeling I'm not going to like you...
Alice: (randomly dancing by) You're not! See, Jacob's gonna become a werewo–
(Alice is dragged away by Jasper)
Jacob: Um, okay. Anyway, Bells, my daddy still thinks your new boyfriend is vampire, so he told me to tell him that, if he hurts you, he'll be "sleeping with the fishes".
Bella: Ooh, I love fishes! What kind of fishes?
Edward: The dead ones, Bella.
Bella: Oh. Oh. That's not very nice. Oh well. Bye Jacob! See you when I become depressed and suicidal!
Jacob: (leaving) Bye, Bells!
(Edward and Bella start dancing again. Then, Edward randomly spins them out of the gym and onto some hill that didn't exist before)
Bella: Whoa, how did we get outside so fast?
Edward: My amazing vampire speed.
Bella: Hey, can you swing from the treetops? You know, like a monkey?
Edward: Now, Bella, where would you get a crazy idea like that?
Bella: Dunno. Anyway, are you gonna change me now?
Edward: No! I already told you I wouldn't! Why would I change my mind in the space of five minutes?
Bella: (whispering) Because this story is getting pretty long and it's about time we wrapped it up with a misleading statement!
Edward: Oh, okay, I see!
(Edward presses his lips to Bella's neck, and just as he is about to kiss and/or bite her –)
*~*THE END*~*
Narrator: And they all lived happily ever after...that is, until New Moon was published...
A/N: It's the end! I can't believe it! Thank you guys for your INCREDIBLE support! And, don't forget to review! Not only will you receive virtual cookies, but also huge virtual hugs from me!
Thank you guys so much!
-Ellie :D