Note From The Author—Please forgive any mistakes, I just looked at the clock and realized with like a paragraph to go I had to leave work in five minutes so I didn't have time to read this one over. Sorry I didn't post over the weekend, it got a little crazy, but at least a new chapter is here now. More angst, but finally with hope and, say a hallelujah with me, a teeny weeny bit of romance. I hope you enjoy, and thank you to my own personal Fanfic Dr. Phil, you know who you are ; ), for sharing insights on our favorite couple which only enhanced what I had to say in this chapter. Enjoy enjoy.
After they left the hospital, Adam and Jess's ride was relatively quiet. She spoke long enough to tell him her address and then they fell into a somewhat tense silence, neither of them really knowing what to say. It wasn't too long of a ride, and when Adam parked in front of her building they both sat there for a moment.
Angell felt vulnerable and hurt, and the last thing she wanted was to be alone. So as she steeled herself to open up she hoped his offer still stood. "I could really use a friend right now Adam."
"Well then you're in luck, because you happen to have one sitting right here."
She managed a bit of a smile, and they both climbed out of the car. The silence carried over as they made their way inside and up to her apartment. But after Angell shut and locked the door behind them and kicked off her shoes she finally spoke again. "I'm really not sure what to say," she admitted.
Adam's eyes were open and kind as they met hers, and he shook his head. "You don't have to say anything if you don't want to Jess."
"Are you willing to listen if I do want to?"
"Of course."
She nodded. "Okay then. Let me change out of my work stuff and we'll talk. Help yourself to whatever you want."
Adam found himself looking around after she disappeared into her bedroom. He found a couple of Cokes and set them on the coffee table before doing a tour around the room, pausing in front of her family pictures with a smile. She looked different with them, softer somehow. In the pictures with her brothers and parents the wry sense of humor she sometimes used as a defense and the tough shell she'd developed to get through as a female cop seemed to melt away. She was open and loving, and the combination was absolutely stunning.
He spun when he heard her walk back in, fighting back a blush at having been caught admiring. He figured it best to just gloss over that. "You look a lot more comfortable."
"Yeah." She took a seat on the couch and popped the top on one of the sodas. "It's been a long day."
"So tell me about it," he urged, sitting down on the other side of the couch.
When she paused to collect her thoughts it occurred to her that their position wasn't at all unlike hers and Flack's over a month before, but she pushed that that thought ruthlessly away. "I really don't know where to start, though I guess the beginning is the most logical option."
"Probably," Adam granted with a smile, taking a sip from his own drink.
"So, I guess I start with the fact that I have no idea when I fell in love with Don." Adam, bless his heart, didn't say a word, just let her continue. "I'm guessing it started the minute I first laid eyes on him, but honestly it just hit me one day."
"It usually does."
Jess nodded. "I didn't freak out when I realized it, mostly because I figured that with the way we were always flirting there had to be something more than friendship there. We went on a couple of dates but nothing ever came of it. There were a couple of kisses that if I'm being completely honest were pretty much just awkward, but it isn't that easy to fall out of love with someone."
Adam shook his head. "No it isn't."
"So I was his best friend, I listened when he needed and I pretended that it didn't kill me every time he talked about another woman, but I did try to get over him. It just about killed me when I realized he was in love with Stella." He nodded and she knew she wasn't the only one who had seen it. "I tried to pretend at first that he was just infatuated but the last thing anyone can call me is stupid. I could see that he was in love with her."
"God that must have sucked."
It was so completely Adam that she couldn't help but laugh, even as she felt a few tears fall. "Yeah, it completely and totally sucked as a matter of fact. Anyway, you've noticed the way that Stella and Don have been around each other?"
He nodded. "Who didn't?"
Angell nodded. "You've got a point there. They were together in a way, and when he told her how he felt she basically dumped his ass as fast as she could. He was so hurt and I was so upset that she had this wonderful man I wanted so badly practically falling at her feet and she would just throw him away even though it's so painfully obvious that she loves him too."
"That's what' was going on that day I interrupted the two of you," he guessed. "You went to talk to her."
"I did. It didn't do me any good obviously, seeing how things have been between them."
Adam drained the last of his drink and set the can down on the table, thinking over his next question. "So what happened today?" he asked her.
Jess's eyes went dark with sadness, though she didn't realize it. "Stella collapsed after we left a suspect." She pushed her hands through her hair impatiently as she spoke. "God, Adam, you should have seen her. I was in the room with her when they told her they thought it may be an ectopic pregnancy and she just looked so scared, and I knew that the one thing she wanted was for Don to be there with her, so I had Danny call him."
"And…?
"I don't know," she said with a shrug. "Mac and I were trying to convince him that she would want him in there with her and I just… I couldn't seem to take it anymore. I was just standing there yelling at him in the waiting room of a hospital." Even then she could hardly believe it. "I told him that Stella loved him and he just wouldn't believe me."
He couldn't help but interrupt. "You told him?"
She nodded. "One minute I was yelling about Stella and then the next I was yelling about me, and how he never saw me standing there waiting for him." She paused as the tears she couldn't hold back any longer fell from her eyes. "Don tried to say something but Danny just stopped him; he didn't want it to get any worse, and I'm grateful for that. It was then that we ran into you."
Adam could tell that she was completely drained, and that it had been that way for a long time. Still, after hearing it all, he knew that he couldn't just sit there with his mouth shut. Instead, he leaned forward to take his hand, watching as she focused her attention on their linked fingers rather than his face. "Want to hear what I think?"
"Sure," she said quietly.
"I won't say that Don's an idiot for not falling in love with you, because we all know that we can't choose who happens to be the one for us." Her fingers tightened convulsively around his at the words and he reached out to tip her chin up, meeting her eyes head on. "What I will say, is that, in my humble opinion, you're pretty kick ass. You're beautiful and talented, and one day some incredibly lucky bastard is going to realize that you're the one for him."
Angell was finding it difficult not to smile when he was around, and she was infinitely grateful for it. Leaning forward, she kissed his cheek. "Adam Ross you are a complete sweetheart, and a very good friend."
There was that damn blush again, but he shrugged it off. "Hey, anytime; if you need me just let me know."
Back at the hospital, it was getting late before Flack could give the others an update. When he walked into the waiting room the fatigue and fear that clearly weighed on him kept the others, a group which now included Lindsay and Hawkes along with Mac and Danny, from bombarding him with questions. Instead they waited as he took a seat and scrubbed his hands over his face with a sigh.
"All of the tests confirm that it's an ectopic pregnancy," he said quietly.
"Damn," Danny swore under his breath.
Lindsay shook her head. "I don't know a lot about it; what does that mean for Stella?"
"It means that it could be dangerous for Stell," Flack told her. "We talked to the doctor a couple of minutes ago. A lot of the medical stuff sailed right over my head, but the general gist is that she was born with a genetic defect, something that she never would have known without her parents."
"Abnormal tube structure?" Hawkes asked.
Flack nodded. "I think the words tubular anomaly came into it." He looked around at all of them, suppressing another sigh. "Bottom line is that with her age and the defect their only option is surgery, and they've got the OR booked in three hours; soonest they could manage. I'm not sure what the surgery entails and to be honest I don't really care. The doctor says Stella's healthy and we didn't catch it too late, so if everything goes well she should make a full recovery, but she'll be off her feet for a while. She got lucky though." The unspoken 'we all were' seemed to resonate through the room in the aftermath of his words.
"How is she?" Mac asked.
"Upset, scared out of her mind, about the usual I'm guessing." He stood. "They won't let anyone else back, but I'll keep on updating. There's not much any of us can do while we're waiting though."
Lindsay reached out to him, resting her hand gently on his arm. "As long as we can be, we'll all be out here. Just go be with her."
All he could manage was a nod as he turned and strode back away from them.
In her hospital bed, Stella's mind was turning over everything that had happened, not just in the past month but in the time since she and Don had started whatever it was they had. Whoever said falling in love was easy was a complete idiot. Falling in love with Flack had been completely terrifying, and insecurities had plagued her non-stop since she had realized it.
Her mind was pulled away from its damnable cycle when the very person she'd been contemplating stepped back into the room and sat next to the bed again. "They all want to stay."
Though she tried to hold them back, tears came flooding forward again at the reminder that there were so many people who loved her. "It means a lot that they do."
"We all love you Stell," he said quietly. "That's all that matters."
There it was; the opening to the conversation she'd been fighting not to start since he'd first walked into the room hours before. Wasn't it funny that now that she had three hours of waiting ahead of her that could be easily taken, she was absolutely terrified to bring it up? Still, "Don, I can't say enough how sorry I am."
"And I can't say enough that you don't have to be. Stell we managed to hurt each other pretty damn well; I guess I just want to know why," he said softly.
She hadn't imagined ever having this conversation with him, and if she had it certainly wouldn't have happened while she was propped up against the pillows in a hospital bed. "I made a mistake Don. I tried to tell myself that breaking it off with you was the best thing for both of us, and I ruined everything between us."
"Hey, I'm sitting here. You didn't ruin it; but why Stell? That's what I don't get. Jess and Mac kept telling me that you love me and that you want me here. If that's the case then why the hell did you say the things that you did?"
There was pain in his voice, raw and abrading and she closed her eyes against it. It was only when he said her name again and she heard the love that was somehow still in his voice that she opened her eyes to meet his. "I was terrified."
"Why?" he questioned.
Stella shook her head. "I don't know, not really. I had all these excuses, all these reasons in my head for why we were wrong for each other, and I was convincing myself that they were all right until I talked to Mac. He forced me to wake up and realize that I'd just been hiding behind them to keep myself from getting hurt."
He knew it was hard for her, and as much as he wanted to push, he knew it was likely he'd never get an answer if he did, so he just leaned forward to take her hand again. "I'm listening Stell."
"I'm so fucked up Don," she whispered brokenly.
"Stell."
She shook her head. "No, everyone always wants to tell me it isn't true, but it is. The things I've been through, I'm not sure I can ever completely heal after that, and I don't…" she broke off, brushing furiously at tears. "I don't know how to be any way but the way I am, I don't know how to be with you or deal with the fact that you love me even though I know in my heart that I'm completely broken. How could I let myself be with you, knowing that you would have that on your shoulders, making you deal with the fact that I can hardly function sometimes? And Angell…"
"What about her?"
"She's in love with you; and with her there, loving you so much and being so perfect for you how could I take that…?"
Flack caught on just as quickly as Mac had, and though he felt anger rising in him he knew he had to be gentle. Shaking his head, he squeezed her hand. "How is Jess perfect for me?" he asked. "Just because she's the same age as me doesn't mean she's perfect for me, Stell. She's not you."
"Don," she whispered.
"No," he told her. "You got to talk, and now you're going to listen to me." He shifted so he sat at her side on the hospital bed, framing her face with his hands so that she couldn't run away from him. "I wish to God that I had realized what was going on with Jess, because I would have done a lot of things differently, but not you; I wouldn't change being with you for anything."
Stella shook her head, but his gentle hands wouldn't let her look away, so she closed her eyes instead. "How can you say that? After what I said?"
"After what happened I was so angry and hurt, but I held on to those memories of what we had as tight as I could. I thought I may never get you back, but I knew that at least I had those memories. But right now I want you to open your eyes and look at me." She did, and she saw tears shining in the big blue eyes she loved so much. "You listen to me now; I love you, and that's never going to change. I love you for who you are and everything you've ever been through and everything you've done. I know that it's hard for you sometimes, and I couldn't care less, because it's just one more part of you. Jess isn't perfect for me, just for the simple fact that she's not you; and you, you Stella Bonasera, are the one that I love, and the one that I want. You."
By the time he went quiet there were tears falling unchecked from her eyes, and it took her a moment to catch her breath. "I don't know what to say to you," she told him.
Don shook his head. "All I need is the truth Stell. Forget everything that's been holding you back, and everything you've been scared of and just tell me the truth."
"I love you," she blurted out, everything coming in a rush. "I do love you, even though I wanted not to; I wanted you to have something better than me."
"Don't you get it?" he asked as he leaned forward. He stopped with his mouth a bare whisper from hers. "There isn't anything better than you."
She knew he had left that distance on purpose, and she knew it would be up to her if she wanted it to disappear. So with her heart pounding, she leaned into him, bringing their mouths together for the first time in what felt like an eternity.
They both expected it to be wild, to rage out of control after so long apart. Instead they found tenderness, and as Don's hands slid to the back of her neck and Stella's mirrored, they both felt themselves coming home.
He felt her flinch as a twinge of pain coursed through her, and they pulled apart, suddenly remembering where they were. "I know that this is terrifying, and I know that this wasn't what either of us planned, but I want you in my life Stell."
"Me too."
Flack felt his heartbeat stutter a bit when she said it, and he took a deep breath. "So I'm going to be here until they take you to surgery, and I'll be here when they bring you back, and when you wake up."
"And we'll go from there."