"The First Rule of Cooking"
by Furor Scribendi
2008 Scribendi Productions
August 4th
Another brilliant August day lay outside the Misato residence, but inside, it was all business and no nonsense.
Chizo had brought over a few of her "Cooking Shogun" tapes for Mahoro to watch, so she could get a flavor as to how the show went. "Now, they are not expecting a lot of acting prowess from you. These guys you see are professionals, so anything that you can do to show some style and flair would be best. Remember, this is television and they want to see action, so, don't just stir your sauce, but STIR your sauce, like you are rowing a boat for dear life!" Chizo used an imaginary spoon to whip something into a frenetic state.
Mahoro listened to Chizo, but watched the action unfold before her on the set. The chefs were slicing and dicing with lots of action and presentation. "You can get too much air into a sauce and it affects how well it cooks," Mahoro commented. "That's not necessarily excellent cooking."
"But it's excellent television!" Chizo retorted. The scene showed one chef flipping vegetables in a pan, the food making huge loops in the air, then being caught back in the pan without a miss. There was even a slow motion replay of it. "Think of this as a sporting event, but instead of a baseball, it's a meatball!"
Suguru was transfixed by the action as well, as flames dancing about the pan as it banged against the cook top. "So, what are you going to be making, Mahoro?"
"We were informed that we needed to come up with a tuna recipe, and that we had to bring our own spices and supplies, as well as whatever pots and pans we require. Shogun Hanzo felt it was important that we are comfortable with the equipment that we use, rather than foreign items that may not work as we need them to."
Chizo looked over a page of the newspaper she was holding. "I am a bit concerned about your competition. Shikijo is a wily competitor and what she may lack in culinary skills, she makes up for in presentation. Kenji Shuboya works out of the local garage, so his passion for cooking may lift him high. He is certainly a dark horse.
"Then, there is Haiji Tanaka. He is the food critic for the local paper. If anyone is going to be troublesome, it is that one. He knows what doesn't work in food, so he will go all out. And this Kirika Misoka, who bills herself as an 'ordinary housewife'. Hah! I bet a tigress hides amongst those bamboo stalks!"
"But the Shogun said this was a friendly competition," said Mahoro.
"There is no such thing as 'friendly' in cooking. Look!" She pointed to the TV. "Does that look 'friendly' to you?"
Two chefs were in direct competition, moving between stove and oven, not only keeping an eye on their creations, but an eye on each other, picking up the pace, moving slightly faster than the other, back and forth.
"Your cooking skills are beyond reproach, but even the best chefs can crack up from the pressure, from the cameras, from the clock, from the competition and from yourself. You are going to do battle against creatures that want to render you limb from limb, who will show no mercy. I need to know that you will show no fear, that you will not collapse from the intensity or the pressure, that you will meet them, toe to toe, and emerge triumphant!" exhorted Chizo, arms over her head.
Suguru closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. If only Chizo knew. Mahoro made half a grin. "That is something you never have to worry about." Just then, the clock chimed.
"Oh, look at the time. I need to get to the auditorium," said Mahoro. "We are having a little meeting at 1 o'clock, prior to taping at 3 o'clock. They are giving last-minute instructions and what is expected of us. And I need to bring all my cookware with me."
She pointed to three boxes with items. "We'll help," said Suguru. "We'll all help."
The walk to the auditorium was pleasant enough, as Chizo nattered on about recipes and strategies. Mahoro sang one of her songs. "What a lovely piece of tuna, so firm and yet so soft, and covered with the spices, makes a tasty time for all."
As they reached the auditorium, she went up to one of the guards out front. "I am here for the contest. Mahoro Ando." The guard checked a clipboard.
"Ah, yes. Your friends can help you in with the items, but they will have to leave when done." He escorted them in. The facility had been transformed. In a wide semi-circle were five identical chef zones: cook top, oven and kitchen area. Both pedestal and portable camera were set about, with miles and miles of cable snaking its way to the production van at the side of the facility.
They were directed to drop off the items at the cook station to the far left. "You will be afforded the opportunity to set up as you like a bit later; there is still the pre-show meeting." The person looked at their clipboard, making some notations.
"You'll do great, Mahoro! See you in the gallery!" Chizo took Suguru and they left while Mahoro was taken back stage to the Green Room. In that room, Mahoro saw three of her competitors. She easily recognized Shikijo, as well as Shuboya and Tanaka. The 'tigress' was missing. Mahoro bowed to everyone. "I am glad to meet you all." Just as Mahoro sat down, Misoka came in, panting.
"Am I….late?" She was directed to one of the chairs.
"No, you're just in time." Coming up behind her was a tall man with a severe haircut. "Good day, all. I am the Director, Aiiko Kabayashi, and I want to inform you as to what will be happening later today. This is going to be a real-time shoot, which means once the contest starts, we will not stop taping, short of a genuine mishap. You will have 60 minutes to cook up your meal and have it presented to the judges. If you miss the deadline, you're eliminated, so keep an eye on the clock."
Shikijo raised her hand. "Does that mean we are finished cooking in 60 minutes, or it is right in front of the judges in 60 minutes?"
"The cooking of the food, including the presentation on the plate, is to be accomplished in the 60 minute allotment. Transportation of the food to the judges is not part of that time frame. We do not want you to put in all this effort in cooking, only to trip and fall at the last few steps. There will be a line judge to determine when you are finished." Tanaka was busily scribbling down notes to himself.
The director continued. "There will also be no second chances. If you burn or otherwise ruin your tuna, you must forge on as best as you can. If at any time, you feel that you cannot continue, you take off your chef's hat…" He gestured with a phantom hat. "…and you will be escorted from the field. Any additional questions?"
"What about poaching?" asked Shuboya.
"We will have the line judges making certain that there is no kind of sabotage. You saw the mahi mahi episode, right?" Kenji nodded as the director put a hand over one eye. "Yeah, it seems everyone did. If there is poaching of any caliber, you will be eliminated. At the end, when the tasting is done and critiques are given, the winner will be announced at that time."
A tapping came at the door. The all turned about to see the harried talent coordinator. "It's time for the fitting," she panted out.
"Ahh, yes. Everyone's chef outfit. OK, let's go, people." He began to shoo them out.
Shikijo fairly bounded from her seat. "I'll look so stunning in those outfits. I wonder if they have purple," she sneered at Mahoro as she passed by. Mahoro was last to leave and spoke to the director.
"I was wondering if I could keep my maid uniform on instead, sir."
"Hmmmm………….." The director looked at her. "Hanzo likes people to be in the chef outfit. I will speak to him on this. Since we will fit you last, you may go out and set up your stove area."
As Mahoro went to prepare, loads of thoughts swirled about her head. She concentrated mostly on the tuna recipe she would be doing. There would be no margin for error, as the entire dish took 55 minutes to prepare and cook: Ahi Tuna with Curried Summer Squash, Chayote Slaw, and Coconut Cream. Her ingredients were placed in the small fridge underneath, the pots were arranged as she needed them to be and her cutlery was laid out with the intensity of a surgeon, readying for an operation.
She looked out into the auditorium. It was quiet now, but soon, it would be filled with people and excitement. A few technicians were milling about, tending to matters, but, for the most part, it was her and the silence. Perhaps this was not as dangerous as battling enemy androids, but it was going to be a thrilling time. Once everything was organized to her liking, she went backstage.
As she passed near the green room door, she heard voices. It was Tanaka and Misoka speaking. "Who does this Mahoro person think she is? Trying to upstage us by keeping her maid outfit on?" Misoka was very angry.
"Well," sniffed Tanaka, "she's just a maid, so what do you really expect? All the maids I ever met were clumsy and a disaster in the kitchen. I bet she couldn't even make ice cubes properly, as she keeps losing the recipe."
Mahoro's eyes widened as they both snickered at the joke. Perhaps Chizo was right. This was NOT going to be a friendly competition. She turned about and walked down the hall, away from the door, looking for the dressing room. Lost in thought, she ran right into Shogun Hanzo.
"Oooof! Oh, forgive me, I wasn't really looking where I was going, Hanzo-sama." She bowed respectfully.
"Ahhh, the maid, who wishes to remain a maid. Please, come with me." She followed behind him as they went to the costume room. There, she saw all caliber of chef outfits in a panoply of colors. She looked on in amazement while Hanzo spoke. "I certainly understand the need for comfort while cooking, but you will not begrudge me having a certain look to my show."
"Of course not, but I did feel I had to at least ask." As Mahoro looked on, Hanzo handed her a brilliant red outfit.
"Would you please try this one on?" He motioned towards a screen where Mahoro could change. In a few minutes, she was in the uniform, a rather form-fitting outfit. She stepped out so Hanzo could look. He already was holding a gold one and a darker blue one. "Hmmm. Hmmm. Try these as well, please?"
Mahoro gave them both a try-out. Hanzo mulled over all of it. "People have a certain image as to what a chef looks like, and I like to tap into that notion. I do not like to make exceptions, as it can be used against you in the future." Hanzo stood up and began to walk about Mahoro, still pondering, pulling at his chin. "Please put your uniform back on for me."
"I mean, I do not wish to cause a problem for you, but I just feel more comfortable in my maid uniform," she remarked, as she got dressed. When finished, she presented herself to him and was a bit shocked to see the director there as well.
"We have done a couple of shows where they were not dressed as chefs," reminded the director. "There was the beach show from four years ago, the country show from two years ago and the Halloween show from last year."
"True, but they were ALL in the same garb. I cannot recall a lone person out of place."
The director turned to him. "Hattori, it is your show, but I vote for the maid. She looks absolutely cute in it and really, what's the harm? These are the regional shows, after all. Why not offer the option to the rest? I will guarantee you the men will go for the outfits, as well as that Shikijo. Did you see her yet? WOW!" The director waved his hand in front of him, as if he was fanning himself from the heat.
Hanzo banged his fist on the table and they both jumped. "Then it is settled!" He stood up and grasped Mahoro by the shoulders firmly. Mahoro was taken aback by his demonstrative nature. "You may keep your maid uniform. But…you wear the chef hat!"
"Hai! That will be done!" she said. Hanzo turned to the director, thrusting his finger at him, but into the air.
"Offer the outfit change to the others!" Hanzo then strode out. Mahoro was a bit perplexed.
"Is…is he angry?" she asked of the director.
He shook his head 'no' and smiled. "I cannot begin to tell you how happy he is with all this. He just loves it." Then, the talent coordinator came in, looking more frazzled.
"Thank goodness I found you. It's time for a run through. Please follow me." As she followed behind, they went to an area behind the stage, where the rest of them were waiting.
"You will all be gathered here about five minutes before we start. Some of you will be over there with my aide." She pointed to the other side of the stage, where an intern waved at them. "What will happen is that you will go to the top of the stairs and stand on the platform as they introduce you. When they give your name, you will bow, hold for a moment and go to your station. The order is…" She looked at her clipboard. "…Saori will go first from the right and take the Workstation in the middle, number Three." Shikijo gave herself a small thumbs up.
"From the left side, Haiji will go to Workstation Two. From the right, Kenji goes to Workstation Four. From the left, Kirika goes to Workstation One and Mahoro from the right to Workstation Five. So please line up and we do a couple of run-throughs." She did the introductions.
"Stand up on the platform. Blah blah blah, our first chef is Saori Shikijo." Shikijo hit her marks perfectly, and then went to her station. They ran the procedure a few times, and Mahoro was feeling a bit giddy at all this. Kind of like when the Crab Robot made its appearance, although there was no fear of being destroyed.
"That is good, really good, everyone." The coordinator then came out to face them, standing near Shikijo. "When you get to your workstation, I want you to face the crowd. Hanzo will make his appearance behind on the stage and be greeted by a gong, at which point you will turn around to face him. He will give some instructions and the aides will bring down the tuna to this spot here, where you see this green tablecloth. When Hanzo says 'Chefs…you may now begin', that starts the clock and you will go to select your tuna. The rest is up to you."
"The commentators are going to be Bede and Fode, just they have been for the last five years. The audience, and you, will be able to hear their comments, but, I guarantee you that you will be so intent on what you have to do, there is an excellent chance you will never hear a single word they say."
She pointed into the auditorium. "We will have three pedestal cameras for overall shots, two perched cameras and six roving cameras. The roving cameras know what to do and should not get in your way. However, if you feel that they are getting too close, they are to respond to this gesture." She put out her arm, palm up, as though she was signaling stop, then pushed her arm out.
"They will back up. There is a jumbo screen, so the audience can see the action. You can take a moment to look, but, don't take too long, as you only have 60 minutes to complete everything. Again, at any time that you feel that you cannot go on, you are to remove your hat and you will be escorted from the area. When you are finished cooking, you hold your arms out to the side to indicate you are done and a judge will place a blue flag at your station. Also, Hanzo has been known to come around and observe, so don't get too nervous if he does. That's about it. Any questions?" She looked them all over. No one could think of anything to ask.
She looked at her watch. "We have about 45 minutes to go until the show starts. They are on the verge of letting the audience in, so we are going backstage for costume change, make-up and final preparation. This would be the only time you have to get something in you, if you are hungry. Please follow me."
As they trooped out, the first of the audience could be heard coming in. Backstage, it was a whirlwind of activity, as they were shuttled about. One person went to each station, so Shikijo went in for her costume, Mahoro went to make-up, Tanaka had some solo publicity shots taken, Misoka had the interview with the newspaper and a cooking magazine spoke with Tanaka.
In make-up, they put the bib on Mahoro and she was taken care of. "My, you have such lovely skin, "remarked the technician. "What I am putting on is some foundation to cut down on any skin reflection or light bounce, plus to help reduce sweating, although you are going to sweat. Between the lights and the action, people get drenched." When she was finished, her chef hat was put on, fastened so it would not come off.
"Hopefully, you will not lose this. I have made an accommodation on your hat for your long hair. I can see why Hanzo wanted to keep you in your maid outfit and…"
There was a thumping at the door. Shikijo was there, looking absolutely stunning in her gold outfit. "Hey, some of us need to be taken care of, Mahoro, not that I really need it. A stunning beauty like me needs only a little boost." The technician smiled and shrugged.
"I am done with you, so it's off to the next station." Mahoro got up to leave, but as she passed Shikijo, she commented. "I will bury you. You are done, Mahoro."
Mahoro went to the interview portion, but she was a bit early, as Shuboya was finishing up. "I got tired of eating the same foods done in the same way, so I decided to take some cooking classes to make things better. My wife commented that I am up to my elbows in grease all day long, and I had best know the difference between cooking grease and axle grease. The cars may run better, but my food is going to taste awful."
Mahoro made a small laugh at the joke. Shuboya looked up. "I guess it's time for me to go to make-up, costume? They have had us jumping all day long." He stood up and shook hands with the interview, then headed out. He stopped to speak to Mahoro for a moment. "Weren't we supposed to get some time to ourselves? Sheesh!"
The interview with the paper was a bit problematic. She retold the same story she had given to the Investigation Team in June, but she was concerned that the paper may try to find the family that didn't really exist. The questions were fairly simple: what did she do for a living, how she got involved in cooking, what was her best recipe. Then, when all of that was done for everyone, and all of the stations were attended to, there was one more round of publicity photos snapped with Hanzo as well.
Despite what was said, there was actually very little time to be had for themselves until about 10 minutes to go, when they all ended up in the green room. Everyone was in their chef clothes, except Mahoro, still in her maid outfit.
There were some basic food items offered but people merely picked at it. Tanaka was tearing into a pastry and Misoka was gurgling down water. Mahoro was having a piece of fruit. She had growled a few times, so she felt it was best to have a little something inside her than to let all of Hiryu hear her stomach. That would be a great image for everyone to see: the Hungry Chef!
Mahoro seemed the calmest of the lot as she was lost in thought. Misoka was just panting, having the dazed look of an animal that had been pursued all day long. "I thought raising three boys was a workout," she said, as she had another swig of water from her bottle. "I don't know if I have the stuff to last another hour or so." Tanaka was rather blasé about things.
"This is really nothing for me," he growled. "Deal with an editor-in-chief who's trying to beat a deadline and he wants to know where your article is, as he sticks his finger in your face. That's pressure"
"Yeah?" offered Shikijo. "Try a room filled with middle-school children. It's like holding 30 ping-pong balls underwater all at the same time. They don't care about the Seven Pillars of Wisdom, as they are too busy eying that cute little number in the corner, minds filled with dirty thoughts!"
Shuboya spoke up. "Here's one for you. Telling a customer that the rattle he heard is really his transmission going out on him and he is looking at a 300,000 yen repair job. You have never heard such language; it would make a longshoreman blush!" There was a pause as they slowly looked to Mahoro.
Mahoro was at a loss. She could easily trump their stories. But I can't tell them to take on an army of giant killer androids, bent on your personal destruction, while the city about you is reduced to rubble, she thought. I had better come up with some tale. Before she could speak, the coordinator came in. "Come along, folks, it's show time! Hurry, hurry!"
She started to pull them out. Tanaka wiped off whatever pastry residue was on his face as Shikijo headed out first. At the door, Tanaka and Shuboya stared as Shikijo walked away from them. Shuboya sighed. "That is one rear-end assembly."
Tanaka commented as well. "If she cooks half as well as she walks, we are all going to lose big time."
Misoka pushed past both of them and harrumphed "Men!" and headed down the hall. Mahoro followed as well. The coordinator called back to the guys, who were still standing in the doorway.
"Come on. What's keeping you?" she said, waving them towards her.
"Just sizing up the competition," called out a grinning Sheboya. "Oh, yeah!"
TO BE CONTINUED…
End Notes
This story forced a concept onto me that I call "Extended Compaction." My personal feelings are one story one day. This tale originally represented a three day arc, so there are three different chapters, or days, for it.
However, in writing for the preparation part for the show, the story was getting longer and longer and I did not wish to present a 15- to 20-page story in one sitting. As I have said elsewhere, I do not like a story to go over 10 pages (including my narcissistic comments), as you really have to have the chops to make it work. I want the Joy of Reading, not the Job of Reading.
(Personally, I think I have the chops to make it work, but I also think I pick the six winning lottery numbers every week as well, so it is best to err on the side of caution.)
Extended Compaction is taking two or three chapters to tell a one-day story. You see it in the anime, as the battle with Ryuga (originally occurring on September 23rd) gobbles up three episodes. So, I have a precedent. I debated doing it here, but I did not want to get bogged down in minutiae on absolutely EVERY little detail.
However, as I went along, I realized that huge holes were appearing and the narrative flow was getting choppy. I was running out of "time" to do this properly, so the only course of action was to split it.
Also, it's not like this is a new concept in literature. "An Incident at Owl Creek Bridge" is the grandfather of this approach, basically telling an entire story in about a second of real time. I just am following in those footsteps.
I am not a real fan of these cooking shows, but there is a degree of intensity in them. Some of those folks get really frenetic about their dishes and what few segments I did observe for research purposes, things get pretty wild.
I did NOT bother with "Hell's Kitchen" as that strikes me as a cross between "The Apprentice" and "Survivor". It is less about cooking and more about how much abuse a person can absorb before they take a meat cleaver and hack everyone into bite-sized chunks, preparing them into a lovely shish kabob for the dinner crowd to feast upon.
Oh, what is the first rule of cooking? "Make sure you have everything you need BEFORE you start cooking." There is certainly nothing worse than assuming you have something, so when you are at a critical juncture of the preparation, and you discover you don't have that key ingredient, you are forced to scramble to get it and the meal's success hinges on your improvisational skills with coming up with an acceptable substitute or how fast you can get to the store and back and not have everything coagulate.