WARNING: "Self-injury" in the beginning. Sorry but it's part of the plot and such.

Chapter 8

The last time I felt this feeling on my skin, I was 14. I was going through this 'everyone hates me' phase. Truth was everyone did hate me so I guess it wasn't just a phase, just reality. But I remember the last time I ever stuck that cold metal to my skin.

My mom had just told me that she was disgusted that I was her daughter. She said that no matter what she'd always resent me, I was a huge mistake. She even went on to tell me that she would have gotten an abortion if my father would have let her. Apparently at the time he wanted a family.

That night that she caught me wasn't the first time I had done it. Far from it, but it was the first time she saw. I remember the look on her face as she yanked the razor out of my hand. Or when she saw the blood run down the sink. She yelled something about sending me away if I did it again. I remember laughing in her face telling her it was her fault. I didn't speak to her for a month and a half after that.

It's not so much as a release but as a relief like the cutting of my skin makes everything go away. At least for a few minutes when all I can think about is the pain.

I hadn't even thought about doing it again after that night but now I'm standing in my bathroom with my sweatshirt sleeve rolled up and my hands itching for the razor. My mom wouldn't be home for another couple of hours. I took a deep breath and reached for the cold metal. I needed a relief. I needed something. Anything other than this pain I'm going through. It's much worse than physical pain. I feel emotionally beaten. If that's even possible.

My eyes are fixed on the part of my skin that the cold razor is sitting on. I look up and into my own eyes in the mirror before closing them and with one…DAMNIT! It hurts. I open my eyes and now I'm watching the blood trickle down my hand. I grab the towel and press it to the cut. I take a deep breath and back up against the wall. I slide down it as I start crying. I'm shaking uncontrollably. What have I done? Was it worth it? Did I need to feel that relief so much that I had to hurt myself?

Oh God. I need Ryan. But I can't have Ryan. Nope, I screwed that one up big time. Just like I seem to screw everything good in my life up. I've locked myself in my room for the past two days.

I have ignored calls from Seth and I even ignored the one call from my mother. Ryan never called. He was the only call I wouldn't have ignored. I didn't want to do this today. I told myself before I went to sleep last night that whatever my mother tried to do I wouldn't go to school. She had pulled my covers off and started talking about how I needed a shower. She said it was not sanitary to be in the same clothes that I was in when she left. I wanted to tell her to go screw herself but I couldn't.

Instead I hung my head and told her I'd go to school if she'd let me take one of the cars. She agreed, which really surprised me. Seth spots me as soon as I pull into the parking lot. I groan and don't even try to smile.

"Who died?" He grimaced when he saw me. I glared at him. "Thanks." I roll my eyes and get out of the car. "I'm just saying, Taylor, you look terrible." He should have just stopped before he even started because I am super close to biting his head off right now. "Yeah." Is all I say as I slam my door shut. I get my bag out of the backseat and look at the front of the school. I would rather be anywhere but here.

"I'll see you after class?" Seth asks as we reach Ryan's classroom. I'm nervous. Like that my palms are sweaty and I'm shaking type of nervous.

"Yeah, sure." I nod still not giving him a smile. He grins at me and pulls me in for a kiss. Which surprises me but I don't kiss back. He doesn't seem to notice. I turn around and walk into Ryan's class. I see him sitting at his desk. He looks tired, like he hasn't slept in days. I want to run up and hug him. I want to tell him I'm sorry and that I'd do anything to keep him in my life.

Oh God. I'm pathetic. I walk in and he notices me. He's not smiling, no far from it. He's tensed up. The bell rings and everyone else runs in the class. Ryan mumbles something about reading Chapter 7. I slammed my head on the desk, perhaps a little too hard because it made a loud banging noise. Which made everyone in the class look over at me and laugh. Ryan wasn't laughing. Nope, he was glaring.

After about fifteen minutes of class I raised my hand. "What?" He snapped at me. I widened my eyes not expecting that.

"I..can I go to the restroom?" I asked on the verge of tears. He let out a sigh before nodding. I barely make it out of the classroom before I break down.

The door behind me opens and closes quickly. I glance back. Ryan.

"Closet." He points to the nearest door. I'm still standing there looking at him like an idiot as he glides to the door. He looks around to make sure no one's watching and he goes in. I finally snap back into reality and follow his lead. I'm very very confused.

"What's going on?" I ask as soon as I'm in the space. Shouldn't he in class? This is a HUGE risk for him to be in here with me. Especially during class where he is supposed to be in there teaching his class. He doesn't answer me. Instead his lips crash into mine and he pushes me up against the door. I'm sure there was a huge thump. Is he stupid?! I push him off of me with as much force as possible.

"Are you dumb?!" I say just above a whisper. He just laughs and puts his hand on my cheek.

"I think so. I just…I had to…you were…sitting in there and…" He looked so unsure of himself. I gave him a smile, not a forced one but a real one. I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him in and kissed him with all of the power I had left in me. This was wrong. So wrong, but it felt so right.

"As much as I don't want to, I do have to get back in there." He said pulling away from me. I nodded.

"Uhm, I think we should probably you know…talk…before that happens again?" I say shyly. He nods and grabs the door handle. "Wait a few minutes before following me. Got it?" He raises an eyebrow at me. "Yeah, I got it." I nodded.

Once he was out of the room I was able to let out the breath I didn't even know I had been holding. I sunk to the floor. I had no idea what was going on. One second he was pissed, then the next he wasn't, and then he was again and then he wasn't. It was like a never ending cycle and it's really getting the best of me. Which isn't much now.

Ryan's kisses make me melt, Seth's kisses have never made me feel anything. Nothing, in the whole year and a half I've been with him I have felt nothing. But here I am feeling something for a guy who's barely been in my life a month. A guy 7 years older than me no less. Somehow that just makes it more exciting. Like we have to do everything to not get caught. I mean there's no way either of us could get caught. Seeing as I have this psycho boyfriend who would kill me and he's got getting fired and a possibility of going to jail. I am still a minor. Oh God. I'm getting myself into a lot more than I think I can handle. But I can't stop now. There is no way I'm stopping this now.

Ryan wasn't as tense the rest of class. He actually smiled at me a couple of times. Of course he had to be discreet about it. After class Taylor waited until everyone left the room before she approached Ryan at his desk.

"What made you change your mind? Just Sunday you were saying how you couldn't believe what I did. And then you hung up on me." I hugged my books to my chest as he let out a heavy sigh and then ran his hand through his hair.

"I know. It just…you ran back to him, Taylor. After what he did to you. I couldn't understand your reasoning. I still can't but…just seeing you there looking so…alone. I feel like I need to remind you that you're not." He looked up at me with those eyes. Those amazing blue eyes.

"So, you are only going after me because you feel sorry for me? Great. To think I really had feelings for you." I went to leave but he stopped me. Oh God, did I really just admit I had feelings for him? I'm dumb. I'm so freaking dumb!

"You really have feelings for me?" I watched him take a gulp. I nodded.

"I'm sorry, I need to go to Seth." I said pointing for the door. "Taylor…please." He was begging me not to go to Seth. "He's really trying to change, Ryan. I have to give him this chance." I tell him. "After everything? You really think he deserves that?" He asked. I nod and walk out of his class room. My heart is torn.

"Hey." Seth smiled when I walked out of the class. I watched as Summer Roberts left his side. "What's going on with you two?" I asked nodding my head towards Summer. Seth shifted uneasily. "Nothing, Taylor." He forced a smile. "Oh…Seth if you like her…" I trail off. "No!" He said quickly reaching his hand to caress my cheek. His touch made me jump a little. I wasn't expecting this type of affection from him.

Seth leaned in and kissed me on the lips. He let his lips linger there after the kiss. I still can't feel anything. I feel bad not feeling something. He's trying, really I can tell.

There was a cough coming from behind us. I turned my head to see Ryan standing there. I blushed a little as he held out a book to me. "You forgot this." He said tensing up a little.

"Oh, thanks." I grabbed the book quickly from his grip. He let his eyes linger a little too long on me. "No problem." He nodded his head and turned around. "That dude creeps me out." Seth said as I turned around to face him. I forced a small smile at him.

"Oh…" I said just as the bell rang.

"I'll see you at lunch." He said before turning around and walking in the opposite direction than me.