A/N thanks so much for the reviews,they really make my day. :) In fact I don't know what will happen with this story and I'm little scared... But I will just keep writing and leave the pieces fall to their place :) And I don't own the characters... or lyrics....

Chapter 8

EPOV

Ten years,3 months ,12 days, 6 hours, 28 minutes, and 34 seconds since I left the reason of my existence. All this time I lingered purposelessly without a hint of her. I still remembered every curve of her body, every feature of her face, her smell still overwhelmed me . I remembered the exact shade of her dark hair, the softness of her lips, the shape of her eyes. I remembered every single word she uttered, every joke she found amusing, every song she sang to…

Time dragged heavily by and every second was like eternity. I stood motionlessly, in the same position for days. I hardly noticed the passing of the weeks, followed by months and eventually by years. I had an eternity of constant emptiness without her by my side. My only desire was peace- to find a way to end my agony- but there was no such thing without her. She was my peace, she was my everything. The dark room absorbed me and I felt like I was lingering between reality and insanity. I knew I was not in Forks- but where was I? It didn't matter though, wherever I was I was alone, she was not beside me so there was no point to know the name of the place. In fact I knew what it was-it was hell. The room was empty except for the couch and the black curtains. I didn't need the light- my personal light was gone, and I was responsible for this-I willingly left her. I couldn't smell her here- she has never entered this particular room but in spite of that her smell had sodden deep inside every cell of my pathetic being. The image of her face kept me sane – I knew she was alive and I would subsist as long as she was on this earth but I knew there would be day when she would die and I would be more than willing to follow her. But I was damned- she was an angel and monster like me would have never be allowed to be touched by her light. I was damned to wish to make her mine- she was pure innocence and I was murderer. But how I adored her- with every cursed atom my body consisted of.

Bella. I thought about her life and the urge to jump and run to Forks almost overwhelmed me but I knew I would never do this! I could never do this because there was no force in the universe to make me leave her once I saw her again. I argued with myself that I needed to just go and check if she was save and happy and then leave her to her life, but my inner voice stuck the truth to me- would I have the power to just be when I would see her happy with somebody else? I was suffering now, but then- there were no words to describe what I would feel then. I didn't know if she would be in Forks though. There were ten years since I last saw her, and she must have moved from the town. She must have been in some college and must have married some normal man, who would have made her happy in a way I never could. I could live through that. I must.

I felt some movement in the room. I knew it was somebody of the family and I just kept wondering why did they bother to enter my room and check on me. I was pathetic excuse for a being and I didn't deserve their support. I was responsible for their unhappiness- I knew it- they had lost a sister and a daughter and to live around me was torture for all of them. Jasper could feel all my emotions and I knew this was more than a punishment . I wanted to help him stop blaming himself for what happened but I just couldn't make myself utter the words. Deep inside I blamed him as well- I knew it was wrong, but it helped me find some way through the pain and the blame that it was not all my fault. Alice lost her best friend- and I wanted to drown myself in her accusing eyes. I wanted to torture myself, because I knew she was right to look at me that way. I didn't deserve their love and the efforts they made to bring me back to my normal state- no, my normal state was this, my previous state was more accurate- but the only thing they could do was to bring Bella back. And that was impossible. Bella had forgotten me like I wanted. There was no trace of my existence in her memory- I took everything that could remind her of me, but I have left so much. I left my heart and my soul. But that was something she didn't know.

Someone was sitting on the couch. I didn't care as soon as he didn't bother me. I didn't need solace and serenity. I just needed to wash away everything and be drown of forgetfulness. I didn't make the effort to read his thoughts- I didn't want to know what he was thinking-I already knew that they were sorry for me and I didn't need their pity. He was talking to me- Carlisle, my father, with his smoothing voice and his calming presence- was saying something I didn't listen to. The stream of words just washed through my brain , and none of them registered any meaning in my empty mind. I just let them slid through me. I couldn't think right now- Bella wasn't here. I didn't need to think. Just to exist while she was alive.

There was silence. I could hear the wind through the leaves in the near forest, every move they made and the muted sound when they rubbed one another. I concentrated on this sound and it was the same as when Bella was walking in the forest treading fallen blades. She was so endearing in the forest. It was autumn and her brown eyes were the same color as the warmth around us…

Carlisle stood up and came to me. I didn't see the movement I just sensed his presence next to me but I couldn't care less. He couldn't comfort me. I felt bad for him- it must be painful to see his firstborn in this condition and to be so helpless-he, the vampire with the super control, but I just couldn't make myself change it. It was inevitable. He placed his hand on my shoulder to console me and then he was gone.

I made myself remember what he was saying. Words. What words did he use?… Bella? No, he never used her name, I was thinking about her and that made me confuse his words and my thoughts. He said a concert, Los Angeles. He was just trying to distract me again- but didn't he know I couldn't be distracted with such things. My siblings coming with her… I repeated the words several times, but they couldn't penetrate the deep haze of my petrified consciousness . My siblings coming with her… It couldn't mean what I was thinking. It just couldn't be that. But I was sure there was not a single thing in the universe I coveted more than that. My awareness was playing games with me- I was imagining things and that was the first step to insanity. I was afraid of this- but deep inside I knew that I expected to slip from sanity some day. It seemed like this day had come. I hoped at least to remember her and all the moments we shared when I was no longer me. My siblings coming with her… No, he really said it. I heard his tone and the emotions he gathered in these five words- his hope, his fear, his regret and his compassion. I needed to talk to him , I needed to know what was going on. For first time in ten years I wanted to know what was happening around me. I tried to move my stiffen head and broke my gaze off the spot on the wall. My body didn't respond to the commands of my brain. I haven't moved for what seemed like ages. The stupor I was in had slowly drained all my strength but I needed to go to Carlisle. In a second I was to the door and my head felt dizzy- the speed was strange to me, after all this time of immobility.

Oh, Carlisle, my daughter is coming back to us! I missed her so much all this time. I want her to hug me and forgive me! Edward, my dear son, how will she reacts when she sees you! I love you both so dearly..!

Esme thoughts lingered in my brain. It was true. She was really coming back to me. I couldn't suffocate the rising hope. For first time in years there was a reason for my existence, this reason was coming back to me. I run to Carlisle's office and the image of a petrified Esme just flashed through my brain but I just couldn't stop at it. I would have an eternity to made it up to her for all I made her suffer. Now all I needed was to talk to Carlisle.

I entered his office without bothering to knock. I couldn't be polite now.

"Edward?" he jumped from his chair and I saw the emotions radiating in his eyes- he was so bewildered and relieved and scared. He came to me and hugged me and I felt how much I missed my father all this time of agony. I missed his calming presence and the quiet string of his thoughts.

How to explain him what I am about to say?

I looked at him questioningly and tried to utter the words I wanted him to answer.

"My siblings are coming with her?" was I could manage to pronounce. This voice was not mine. It was husky- I haven't talked for such a long time. I heard Esme entering the room and sighing with relief. Then she came to me and starched her arms to me and motherly pressed me to her body. I could feel her shaking with sobs and tried to calm her by just stroking her hair. I was still staring at Carlisle, still waiting for him to confirm his words, but I knew it, I heard it in his thoughts.

"Yes, Edward. But I'm sure you want to know the whole story." He looked for confirmation in my eyes and gestured to the chair opposite his. I was already sitting in it and was impatiently waiting for the story. He had blocked his thoughts from me and I knew that he was carefully choosing the way to start.

"My involvement in this story is of no significance since what I know is from a few phone calls I received in the past days. The first one from Jasper who told me that they had seen Bella in a clip on MTV and they bought tickets for her concert. Тhey were already in Los Angeles. " Carlisle looked at me worried and was trying to hide his hesitation when he chose his next words. "She was changed, Edward. " He was still looking at me when he said those words and for a moment my mind was blank. Then his words started to make sense- I was slowly gasping their meaning. Bella was changed- that only meant that she was a vampire now. I felt utterly bewildered and angry and there was a small lingering sense of happiness. No, I should not be happy that she was fated to a monsterous existence such as mine. She was the most innocent creature ever set foot on this doomed earth and she was now votived to burn in hell, if there was such a place for these of our kind. I wanted to scream from the pain of these words. I wanted, but still this unwanted joy that I would have an eternity with her by my side was gathering its strength and slowly was overwhelming the pain and desperation. She was one of us … Carlisle saw my inner struggle and kept his silence for some time. He knew this was something I had to do by myself- to come to the conclusion that this couldn't be changed and I had no other option than to be reconciled. Then he took a deep breath and went on with his story.

" After the concert they had met her and from the conversation I had with Alice I came to the conclusion that things are very complicated. She wanted to come back home but …" Carlisle stopped.

"But what?" I was eager to hear all of it, even though I knew it was something I wouldn't like.

" but… she was not sure she can forgive you. For now." Carlisle stopped again but I saw the determination in his eyes." Edward, she was broken and she was through a lot of things I presume. I need to warn you that according to her condition it is better to be careful with her and to regard her wishes if she doesn't want to be around you. Give her time." Carlisle was pleading and as much as I hated to admit it he was right. I had caused her so much pain that it was better to follow her pace and let her decide when to come to me. I would give her all the time in the world. I would wait an eternity for her. I just nodded and left the room. I needed to be alone and to think. I needed to see her. I rushed to the computer and switched it- Carlisle said a concert in Los Angeles so it wouldn't be difficult to find the band. After 5 minutes I knew the name of the band and found their site. There were photos of my love everywhere. She was more gorgeous than I had ever imagined she could be. I just looked at her face and tried to remember every millimeter of her features but they were already carved deep inside my memory. I wanted to hear the music so I turned on the first clip in the site, the song was "Lithium". I sensed that Carlisle and Esme were behind me but I didn't do anything to show them that I acknowledged their presence. We just watched silently the gorgeous woman in front of the piano, singing about the pain and despair she was going through. I wanted to cry, but not a single tear could leave my cursed body. What had I done to the one person I adored?… I just buried my head in my hands and started shaking. My desperate sobs were of no relief to the pain inside my soul. Nothing could help now.

There was a dedication to one of the songs- "to Steve who saved me when I was dying" The song was called "Tourniquet" .

I tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
so much more
I lay dying
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?

my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

do you remember me
lost for so long
will you be on the other side
or will you forget me
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?

my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

I want to die!!!

my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

my wounds cry for the grave
my soul cries for deliverance
will I be denied Christ
tourniquet
my suicide

I looked petrified to Carlisle. Had she really tried to kill herself? But in his eyes I only saw confirmation to my biggest fears- my angel was even more broken than I was and I was the reason for all this suffering. If the fate had mercy on me the hell I belonged to would absorb me in this very moment so I would never harm her again. But there was no mercy for a monster like me. I ran to my room and closed the door behind me. I needed the stupor I was in before. I needed to forget that I exist, but the pain just wouldn't let me be.